[A word of WARNING: The following profile is ... lengthy. I'm a bit of a novelist when it comes to writing, and I'm talking more about the 'longwinded' then the 'novel' part, you know?
Also, this has grown over the years.

*edit: Obviously, this warning in itself was NOT enough. The managements's received a complaint that somebody felt unprepared for the ... lengthiness of this profile. Despite the above warning! WTF?
Anyway, to make it even clearer: THIS PROFILE IS LONG! If you don't have an entire week to waste, better leave now. Or skip most of it. Or - at least get a coffee. Seriously.

So, if you, while reading, at any time feel your jaw go slack, or your eyes glaze over, you might want to gloss over the rest and skip right to the part where I ask for your bank details for selling you the title 'Doctor of Immortality'.*]

*BANG*
*BOOM*
*BANG-BANG*

Damn ...
That Ranjid-guy said, this special-effect-thing for my profile would hit like a ton of dynamite.
Would make me the Elvis of okcupid.

It didn't, did it?
Did it rock your world?
Didn't think so ... :-/

Man!
Okay, gotta try something else. 'Sumfink' more conventional ...

How's this - that song sums me up pretty perfectly:

'My beauty is beyond compare
With flaming locks of auburn hair
With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green
My smile is like a breath of spring
My voice is soft like summer rain'

Roughly, very roughly, this is what I look like and what summarizes me best.
Maybe apart from the flaming locks (hair is a precious commodity at a certain age, I'll have you know), and ivory skin, oh, and of course the green eyes.
And maybe apart from the spring-like smile, and maybe, just maybe, from the soft voice.

But the rest is true.

Honestly.

I swear.

On my father's grave.

Yeah, well - so he ain't dead yet - sue me.

This is MY profile. I can do what I want here.
Even lie.

Yes!

I am special, in a boring, and non-special way.

*Actually, here at work, I'm sitting across from a real 'Doctor of Immortality' - honoris causa , though.
My colleague got the title from the Miami Church of Life, and ever since, there has been this glow about him that's really distracting.
Trying to work while sitting across from an immortal is, let's say, slightly unnerving.

WARNING: GET COFFEE!

Actually, for a while I've been trying to change course in my life. It's not easy, but I haven't given up yet, and when DOES happen, it's gonna be absolutely awesome.
Just took the next step. Passed a hurdle.
And that's how it works - step by step. Keep your fingers crossed for me ...
Like I said: Awesome! Possibly even: Awesomesauce!

Cramming useless information into the black hole that is this profile.
Actually, no, that's a lie - most of the stuff I just found somewhere in the interwebz, copied and pasted it here.
Someday, this will be the longest and most awesome profile in the world, and then I'll turn into He-Man.
The CEO of OKCupid promised me this, when he was last over for pasta.
I'd rather be Man-At-Arms, though. He seemed kind ... *

[We'll be here a while. Did you get that coffee I told you about? No? Well, don't sue me afterwards because you felt this was too loooooooooooooong (whiny voice off), right?]

At the moment, I work as a video game designer. By trade, I'm a boardgame designer, but I've exchanged paper, carton and wood for bits and bytes for the time being. And I have far too little time for reading, these days ...

Also, accompanying my two daughters from an earlier relationship through life is taking up a lot of my time and focus. Many, many moons ago, when I was still a young lad, I'd often look at cool little girls, and I'd think: When I grow up, I want a daughter like that!
And now I got two of those!

I write. A lot.
[As, I think, is proven by this profile, which must by now, approach dimensions of epic proportions. Probably nobody in the known universe will ever actually read it till the end, because then they'd die. Or the universe would end.
I feel bad now ...]

*If you don't know either Man-At-Arms or He-Man, you should really, like: seriously, close that gap in your education. **

**This is actually a sad chapter of my childhood, because I loved those figures, but my parents where 68s hardcore-hippies, so I never actually got any of those.
Sometimes, I still cry myself to sleep at night.

... baking cakes. Like: Really, REALLY good.
My repertoire is pretty limited, so I'm not the type to try out new recipes all the time, or going down Wysteria Lane to share them, but the few that I know, and use, I'm an expert at!
Seriously - I got marriage proposals (well, almost-proposals) and even offered sexual favours based purely on the delights of my world-famous cinnamon&apple-cake.
If you ever happen to be in the area - tell me, and I'll give you cake.

And it seems I'm pretty good at giving head massages. Like relieving headaches and tension. Most people tend to be surprised what you can do up there.
Doesn't quite work so well on myself, though, which is a bit of pity. I'm a big fan of self-suffiency (which should really go in the invisible 'I'm really bad at'-section: I'm really bad at receiving help from others.).

I've also been told that I'm pretty good at giving headaches. Guess the above massaging and this go together really well. That's yin and yang right there for you!

And now to something completely different ...
[Sorry, I just had to sneak that in. And yes, I know it's corny. But I'm not sorry. Well, actually, I guess I am, 'cause I did say I was. Anyway, it's there to stay ...]

I'm also really good at losing track of my parentheses. When I write, I put lots of stuff in parentheses, or rather, I frequently open new ones - and sometimes, I lose track, wander away aimlessly, deep in thought, and ... tend to leave some open.
So, if, in this profile, you'll stumble upon any open parentheses, be so kind and close them for me, would you? They get cold and lonely after a while, being without one another to hug themselves, and then I feel all bad.

Oh, man, and I'm pretty awesome at swinging the chain in Jugger - a post-apocalyptic sport involving the prop of a dog's skull ... O.o
Based upon that infamous B-Movie 'Salute of the Jugger' (or sometimes known as 'Blood of Heroes').

My height.

Then, my army of henchmen that follows me around, trying to (unsucessfully, one might add) look inconspicous, assisting my being fiendish.
(Me being fiendish? Which one is it?)

And my big sign, which reads:
GET OFF MY LAWN!!11!1

Oh, sorry, that's the wrong sign. It should read:
GET SOME COFFEE!

*If you wanna know what it's about with this annoying coffee-stuff, skip right to the end.
You might find an answer there.

Or not.

WARNING: GET COFFEE!

Seriously, does anybody even read this part on any profile? I tend to fall asleep when I hit this type of listing, and only wake up once we reach 'The six things I could never do without' ...
*sigh*
But I'm a sucker for completeness, so here it goes.*

Recently I started to read Don Winslow - was recommended to me by someone from here, and I think I'm in love.
Have only read the first one (got a few used ones from Abebooks), which is 'The Winter of Frankie Machine', but it's a really cool book, and I'm looking forward to reading the other ones I have.
Also started on two German thriller guys (this is more for educational value than for pleasure), and it's kinda hard to see why they are bestellers.
Not sure how much of their stuff I can stomach.

Gonna try out Charlie Huston soon - what I've read about him, he sounds fantastic. Books are still underway, though ... ***

The Dragonbone Chair, Death Proof, the band Dover and yoghurt of all kinds.

So, that was every angle covered, no?

Edit: Dam, I missed that the system was looking for plurals of the above stuff. Gnarf!

Okay, here is more: System of a Down, John Irving (only the early books, not the crap he wrote later on), Le fabuleux destin de Amélie Poulain (the film, don't know the book), Tenacious D [the band, not the letter], Ennio Morricone, Pulp Fiction [the film, not the literary genre], Reservoir Dogs [the film, not actual animals], Pizza, Avocado (mashed and on bread!), Guts Pie Earshot, Kosheen, Inspector Morse (the books, not the films), The Lord of the Rings (the books AND the films), The Crow (the comic - but I guess the film isn't half-bad, either - pity he had to die while doing it, but it's impressive that they managed to finish it nevertheless), Llanfeust of Troy, The Kills (NOT the Killers - even though they can be, on a good day, okayish, too), Prinzessinnenbad, The Boondock Saints (Uncut, please ... - and PLEASE make that pile of trash of a follow-up go away - that was a seriously bad sequel), bruschetta, liquorice (which is supposedly good for the heart), Little Lilly Allen, Butchers & Builders, Poe (the singer, not the writer), Poe (the writer, not the singer), I adore Neill Stephenson, even though I didn't manage to finish some of his books, Mumford & Sons, Richard Stark's Parker, Payback ...

Oh, and I love Iain Banks - in fact all his books I have read so far.

Newest addition: Die Antwoord. O.o
Man, this is one of the coolest things that has happened to this planet in a couple of years. Absolutely, amazingly awesome.

Just started reading Minette Walters. Gods, she's good. Inspiring. Just so incredibly complex and dense - fast-paced. Gotta get more books by her - just as well she's written a couple already ...

Recently**, my local library was giving away books. So I took a whole lot of Sue Grafton books with me - six or so of the Kinsey Millhone series. Wow, they're cool. Love the tone, even though there are some minor flaws in it, which, once you notice them, are kinda hard to ignore. Examples, I hear you say? Well, for once, she's really fond of starting her sentences with the same word. I once counted six or seven sentences one after the other starting with 'I' or 'She'. O.o
Try to ignore THAT once it has crept in your brain.
But still - good reads. What is annoying, though: I got A, B, C and then H, N and some other letter I don't remember (I CAN do the alphabet, thank you very much, that's not it - she does all her books in chronological order going all the way through the alphabet ...) - so now, after having finished C, I have to start on H.
Anybody have any unwanted Sue Grafton books flying about?
Bring them to my local library, will ya?
But not: A, B, C, H, N and some other letter I don't remember. I've already got those. But you knew that already, didn't you?

*That disclaimer about the nonsensical nature of this part was introduced much later (thank God for that 'Edit'-button) because it only hit me recently, how boring that section frequently is. So, if I bored you with mine, don't blame me.
It wasn't me.
It was the web design that forced me.
Now go and sue somebody else.

** 'Recently', is of course, not so recent anymore. It was, however, 'recent' when I wrote it in here. Which isn't SO recent ago anymore.
God, 'recent' feels really strange in my head. Recent. Looses all contours, all shape. What kind of a word is that?
Anyway, all I'm saying is: Don't get hung up on time phrases in this.
I'm old, like benevolent-old-man-old [or, in some cases, grumpy-old-man-old], so everything in this profile is like an annulus in a tree (btw. that is a growth-ring - I had to look it up, so I don't know how common a word it is; but since I like it, and it sounds kinda dirty (sexually dirty), I used that word and put in a long-winded explanation, rather than the short word with which I STARTED the explanantion without the explanation. I tend to be like that ...)

*** I should have really put that part at the bottom, seen as it was the most 'recent', but I didn't. Probably got confused.
Or couldn't be arsed.
The relationship I have with my profile: 'It's complicated'.
To say the least.

Oh, and some coffeee. You should have some for yourself!

My two little girls, pen & paper (the real stuff, not the roleplay), music, games (of almost any kind - maybe apart from mind games) and (that's already six, no?) - anyway - physical contact (the warm, soft or sexy kind, not the cold, hard and bruising kind, even though that can be exhilarating as well, on occasion - I did and do play contact sports, after all).

Oh, and possibly internet radio: La Grosse Radio - awesome stuff!
Even though lately, they annoy the heck out of me - they keep playing great songs from unknown bands with names that GUARANTEE they will never ever be found via the Interwebs. The band Cause, for example. Their song is 'Methadone' - which is absolutely brilliant. But try and google 'cause' and 'Methadone*' together - a band or song is NOT what you will get.

*If I put the song Methadone in two of those brackets, what icebreaker matches will that get me?
Good times ahead, I say ... **

**They got rid of those 'ice-breaker matches' on here again, did they?
Gods, sometimes I feel really ancient.
Well, they never did much good, anyway. I think, over a period of a couple of years (or was it months? I tend to lose track of time ...) I only got two, and nothing ever came of them.
So I guess it's just as well.

At least they call them 'visitors' now, and not 'stalkers' anymore. Whose bright idea was it to create something like 'stalkers'?
*shudders*
If you don't know what I'm rambling about, you're probably much too young. Or not long enough on this site.
Don't much anyway, you didn't miss anything ...
*goesoffmumblingtohimself*

Coffee?

... stuff.

Now THAT surprised the hell outta ya, dinn'it? Well, I'm that kinda guy. One in a million.
Truth be told, I myself don't think much at all. Most of my thinking is done by my fiendish sub-conscious (that's why that is up there, with the three adjectives), it's the part I had to give over to my .... errm, fiendish nature?

When the heck you're gonna go get that coffee.

And I keep wondering whether I should have accepted when Brad Pitt proposed to me on that drunken night in Vegas.
But at the time, I was really chummy with Jennifer Aniston, and didn't wanna lose her as a bridge partner.
So I brushed him off.
He cried, and sometimes, I still feel bad about that.
Would I have been Mr. or Mrs. Pitt?
And yes, when I saw him later in 'Snatch', it was ME on my knees, crying.
Seriously, he has never been as adorable as in that role. I believe he's really a gypsy (sorry, traveller) at heart. My pulse quickens even now when I start to think about him with his little hat.
"You can leave your hat on ..."

Have you ever thought about what an annoying little brat the subconscious can be?
I mean, who hasn't fallen asleep, only to jerk awake uncontrollably, because your subconscious thought that it would be funny to scream: "You're falling! Wake up, you're about to slam and crash and die and crush and burn!"
Or dreams. The kind of stuff your subconscious makes up while you're sleeping, pursuading you that everything is real.
The subconscious seems like the most powerful AND obnoxious little brother on earth!

If I should increase the rant. Like, there is just so many people to seem to rant in their profiles - about the stupidity of people on here.
Will ranting make me more attractive? In a sort of bitingly, sarcastic, witty kinda way?
Maybe I should give it a try - by God there is enough stuff on profiles here to get foamy-at-the-mouth about ...
I shall give it a bit more thought.

WARNING: GET COFFEE!

planning to take over the world.

Seriously.

No, actually I'm wondering if there is no limit to the amount of crap you can cram into one of those profiles here on OKC. I mean, surely, eventually they must run out of server-space? And whenever I wonder about that, I usually sit down and add some more useless stuff to this profile, until it becomes so heavy that it crashes down and takes all of the known universe with it.

Urging you to drink ... you guessed it: coffeee.

Or I'm clinging to the ceiling somewhere, looking at the world beneath with as much paranoia and enthusiasm as I can muster. And I can muster a lot - being the Muster-Master.
Or was that Mustard?

Okay, that was just random sillyness. You sometimes get that with me. I'll try something slightly more serious: Sitting at my laptop, working on manuscripts, listening to French alternative internet radio.

Here's an interesting little nugget of a fact for you: 84%* of the bands that I disvovered for myself in the last, let's say, fourteen and a half months, I have listened to first on that station. Seriously!
But that is not without heart-ache, either - as I'm sure you're well aware. If not - see "The six things I could never do without" and it'll tell you all about my troubles. (Gosh, I almost said 'all about my methadone problem' - d'oh! Shouldn't mention that on my profile, should I?)**

Lately, I have been able to figure out how to write subliminal HTML code. So I've been shoving invisible messages, that mess with your brain, between the actual lines of text in this profile.
Been weaving in stuff that'll make you go 'God, that guy is amazing!', 'Unbelievable!' or 'What an awesome man!'
So don't be surprised - you've been warned (although, by the time you read THIS, it's probably already way too late).

And for those of you who are geographically impaired (meaning those who are much too far away to shower me with either emotional or physical love), I've included my bank details in the subliminal messages - so you can just wire me all your money.

Not bad for some Friday night's work, innit?

*Obviously, that arbitrary number is completely made-up and only bears a minimal resemblance to the ACTUAL percentage of bands.
Since I don't keep records much, we'll both have to live with that fact.

**Why did I put that in here?
God knows - not that it matters much - this is all such a terrible mess, anyway. You must be lost in here, too, surely?

Well, I sure as hell am. Lost in profiliation ...

WARNING: GET YOUR COFFEE NOW!

I'm no good at doing the Haka.
There, I said it.
But I'm still trying and training.
Usually in the supermarket. But people just don't appreciate the effort I'm putting into this.

And I was actually responsible for the destruction of the first death star in 'Star Wars'.
I was apprenticed to an Imperial space engineer back then, who was in charge of covering all the exhaust shafts with shields against stuff like, let's say, photon torpedoes.
But that day, I had like a splitting headache, and when my boss told me to finish up work and install that last shield, I just went 'Yeah, right', which everybody knows, is Galactic for 'You can kiss my ass, alright!'
So all I did was to put up a cheap wooden board, so that no debris would hit the shaft, and headed home.
And then, that Skywalker kid comes along and blows it all up. I still feel bad about that. That's actually the reason I didn't pursue space engineering any further, and dropped out of that career.
At least, there was no evidence left to incriminate me. Nobody knew - until now.
Now you share my terrible secret!

I'm actually off the coffee for the past six months or so. Well, almost. Only do coffeine on the weekends, now.
It's the age.

I'm a sucker for derby girls. And I 'christianed' one (found her her derby name) - that's something I'm very proud of.

And that bit about making more then a million a year? I lied ...

Also, I'm a bit of a muppet.
But then, you already knew that.

I cried like a baby-girl when Leonardo DiCaprio drowned in the end of 'Titanic' (the film, not the ship).
Did I mention that I hate that movie now?

I once listened to an album of Loreena McKennitt over and over again. God, it was cheesy ...
But fun.

I also have to admit that I'm a stickler for words. I find it really difficult to let it slide if someone uses words incorrectly. Makes me seem like a bit of a smartass sometimes, but I'm really not (Actually I guess I am, but I don't do it on purpose just to annoy people - know what I mean?).
This has been a Public Service Announcement by the Council for ‘Actually Using Words to Mean Specific Things Rather Than Just Any Word For Whatever’.

Another thing I recently realized: I fall in love with profiles way too easily. While in the real world, I'm much too level-headed and rational to be very susceptible to 'butterflies', on here the contrary seems to be true.
There are just so many awesome and gorgeous profiles here - and I'm not talking about pictures. I usually look at them last. I'm talking about witty, clever, poetic and/or simply stunning profiles. Like, written words.
I frequently get this ache when reading a particular cool profile, this urge to get to know that person like, IMMEDIATELY.
*sigh*
So, please do me a favour and make your profiles mediocre, crappy or downright sad. It won't make me such an unhappy puppy.
Thank you.

But sometimes, when my system's starting to shut down and I just kinda float through here in a daze, I start to browse through profiles by picture.
Unfortunately, the ones with the pretty pictures are seldom the entertaining ones.

And yes, sometimes, though rarely, I will even click on a profile just because of a picture with nice (or hefty) cleavage.
So far, it has been a disappointment every time, though.
Mind over matter, I guess.

Edit: HEY! In that box down there "I'm looking for" it said 'bi-girls only' ... O.o
How the hell did THAT happen? When OkCupid switched around their website, they sure messed some stuff up.
I mean, I don't mind bi-girls - most of the ones I've met are really smart, easy-going and funny - but 'only'?
I don't know ...
And the worst thing: I haven't MET any bi-girls from here yet.*

New edit: Actually, I just realized that when I stumble upon a song I really like, I tend to listen to it over and over.
And again.
And ... again.
And then some more.
And usually, when I think I must be getting sick of the song, ... you guessed it, I listen to it again.
Sometimes, that feels really silly. And sad.
But just in that minute, there's nothing, absolutely nothing, that I'd rather listen to.
So I guess that's just the way it is ...

Well, anyway, I should start deleting stuff here - 'cause quite obviously, a whole avalanche of stuff can't surely be THE most private thing I'm willing to tell. Maybe I should hold a contest between all the stuff in this box.
Winner gets to stay, the rest is kicked out. Sent off to some Australian penal colony.
Will have to think about that conundrum for a bit.

Conundrum.

I LIKE that word, I really do.
Say it a couple of times out loud, really fast. Magical things will happen, I promise!
ConundrumConundrumConundrumConundrumConundrumConundrumConundrumConundrum ConundrumConundrumConundrumConundrumConundrumConundrumConundrumConundrum
ConundrumConundrum ...
See?
Told ya.
[And I didn't use copy&paste, I swear.]

Okay, maybe I did a little ...

Another thing to add: I have a real fetish for words. For great, cute, weird or rare words.
If you remember that scene with Clint Eastwood in 'In the Line of Fire', you know what I mean.
Cockamamie. What a great little word. And used so seldomly!
Gimme a favor and go out today, and use 'cockamamie' at least twice, will ya? Or a similar, absolutely great and under-appreciated word.
It will make the world a better place, I promise. Not by much, just by a fraction on a nano-inch (and that's really, really small), but that's not the point.

*That was actually written some time ago. Okay, who am I kidding, MOST of the stuff in here was written ages ago. Remember, I'm old.
Big-ancient-tree-old, like.
Anyway, it was after having been absent from the site a while that I discovered this little gem.
And as of today: Still no bi-girls**. Even though there seems to be such a crap ton of them in here.
Why is that, I wonder?**

** Not why I haven't met any, but rather why there are so many here.
Is it because online dating attracts them in a special way? Or ARE there that many bi-women around, and they just don't usually announce themselves as such, and I'm simply ignorant, OR is this some sort of fad on here?
Guess it doesn't really matter - just wonderin'.
Maybe I should put that up over in 'On a typical Friday night I am ...'
Then, maybe not. I only put REALLY important stuff in my profile. Like, 'Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'-important like.
Mostly.

... you have a brilliant scheme to make gazillions of petro-dollar or take over the known world AND you need an accomplished accomplice. That'll be me, then ...
I'm usually free on Tuesdays and Thursdays - talk to my evil secretary.

... you wanna complain about the lame coffee jokes, you SHOULDN'T message me. Those were put in by the management after a complaint from a non-paying customer. Seriously, no joke. Go sue someone else!
Like ... a boy named sue!

... if you can tell me how to learn Jiddish. I'd love to give that a shot. Hmmm, I wonder if there are online courses for Jiddish available?
Must go look ...

... you have a real thick Scottish accent and want me grovelling at your feet.
Because I will.
I'm like Jamie Lee Curtis in 'A Fish Called Wanda', just instead of a Russian accent, it is a Scottish one for me.*

... maybe if you like the lyrics of Eliza. Tell me why.

... you know a thing or two about books by Iain Banks, because there is one I remember reading which touched me deeply, but I can't for the life of me remember what it was called - so help a poor guy out, will ya?**

... you're Brad Pitt, you regret what happened in Vegas and want to give us a second chance.

... you plan to shoot 'Snatch II' and want me to co-starr in it. I'll play Brad's gypsy lover.
Or his (resurrected) mom.
Whatever.
Just put me on the set.

... you have a Chocobo that I could borrow for a ride.
You should NOT message me if you don't know what a Chocobo is. Instead, you should go look it up, and THEN message me, so we can make plans about how to get our grimy paws on a pair of Chocobos!

... you've ploughed through all the crap I've accumulated in my profile over time and feel like in this particular box you should find something rewarding and encouraging for you personally.
Seriously, I'd do it - I'd think you deserved it.
(I wrote this last paragraph because somebody complained. I'm not messing with you .... O.o)

... you have a gorgeous little word like 'conundrum' or 'cockamamie' which I should put in my collection and start using.
Like, message me immediately.

... you have links to videos with people with awesome accents. You can never collect enough of those.

*I lived in Ireland for a couple of years, and love the Irish accent (especially the Dublin one - looking at you, Colin Farell in 'Fuckin' Bruges', here), but mostly on men. On women, the Scottish one is just so much more adorable.
If I was gay, I'd go for Irish, I think.
Maybe I should become bi and then I could have a Scottish girlfriend and an Irish boyfriend.

** I found the book! Yeah me. It was Walking on Glass - just ordered it again now.
Must be patient.
No idea why I write this here - nobody ever bothered to contact me to tell me about Mister Iain M. Banks.
Anyway, mystery solved.
[Irish accent]Nothing more to see here - you'se can all go home now, gals! [/Irish accent]