OK I am rewriting this again because it is still ridiculously long.

It's probably an unnecessarily morbid place to start, but eventually I and everyone else will die and, assuming that I am not senile or taken completely by surprise, there will be a moment when evolution * will throw me a gift, which is to randomly access every available memory in the hope that one will give me the edge to get out of the situation. ** I am hoping that when that happens I will be able to reflect (probably not for very long) that:

1. I have had an overall positive influence on the world
2. I have got somewhere close to achieving my potential
3. I have had fun

Seem fair?

* If you don't "believe" feel free not to contact me (and better still feel free not to avail yourself of any medical care at all as no doubt you think it's based on evil conspiracies from atheist scientists)

** That really does happen. When I was eighteen I was mountaineering and the ice beneath my feet cracked. Only being eighteen the show was pretty crap.

I am a soldier. Actually, more specifically I am an officer but not everyone knows the difference - which is fair enough. It's not all I am but it is a very large part of me. I have had some email exchanges with women who after a few weeks decided they could never date a squaddy. Seriously, why bother wasting your time or mine if that's the case? There's good stuff and bad stuff about it. I stay fit, have lots of stories, tend to be punctual and am confident and all that good manly stuff. On the flip side, I don't have a lot of control over my own schedule, I sometime talk in jargon without realising it and I was once two hours late for a date because NATO tested its readiness on a Friday afternoon.

I now work in a very large headquarters. I have mostly found myself in the more esoteric areas of the armed forces. I now work amongst a multi-national mixture of people some civilian, some military who use phrases like "the media environment as the fifth dimension in a multi-dimensional battle-space". It is mostly bollocks and quite a lot of people 'in this space' are complete charlatans, but not everyone and it can be really interesting.

And I am studying a philosophy masters part-time. I am writing my dissertation on whether multi-culturalism can be incorporated into a liberal justice system. How much of a suspect pinko commie am I?

I am an Amazon reviewer (which means they give me free stuff which is nice), a moderator on this site (which means I get to see a lot of photos of other bloke's willies) and I like model making (honestly I am that rock and roll).

I have started writing a novel with the intent of actually getting it published this time (see below) and I am the military consultant for a sci-fi internet TV series. I should get a cameo on the series too. (Though I think it may be as one of the two guys who get shot in episode one.)

Cooking! I love to cook and I can do some of the high end restaurant recipes.

Boxing! I enjoy contact sports. I was doing MMA when I was attached to the Dutch army and I was playing touch rugby in Afghanistan. I am now part of club in Cheltenham.

Writing! My job involves writing a lot of reports in clear concise language despite what I wrote above. I have started about three novels (none of which I have finished) and collaborated on one bestseller - honest, no lies, my name's on the inside cover and everything.

Apparently, I have a laugh like Sid James which can be heard from two rooms away. Very pale - goths would kill to look this way (or at least cut themselves).

Okay this kept turning into a very long list and those are always boring so here's some random quotes from things that I love right now. Hardly, an exhaustive list but there's meaningless points in it for anyone who can work them all out.

"I was on my way to a gay, gypsy Bar Mitzvah for the disabled when I thought gosh the Third Reich's a bit rubbish - let's kill Hitler; whose with me?"

"The only thing that's going to bring me inner peace is a beard-seeking missile!"

"And Taliesin smiled for he knew that men of limited intellect often thought the length of a speech and the words used were directly related to its import" (To be fair I don't really like this book and i have been failing to finish it for twenty years but I love that quote even though I have probably got it wrong.)

"From now and henceforth the name Iran would not be used in favour of Persia so as not to feed the illusion of their independence and to avoid confusion a city on the border's name was changed to Abbotabad. All necessary preparations being made we invaded."

"If the Gulf is the arse-hole of the world then Basra is half way up it."

"Mr Dalliard!"

"The cat's behaviour [correct spelling added by me - US spelling used in the translation I have] so amazed ivan that he froze in his tracks next to a grocery store on the corner, only then to become even more amazed by the behaviour of the conductress."

"Our friend Thales of Miletus can at last achieve complete enchantment. He rises from his bath dripping asses' milk onto the floor, and welcomes his concubines into his magnificent presence." (Hint - This is actually from a physics textbook.)

"In fancy restaurants, pale scallop is often found perched, trembling like an ingenue, on filthy old black pudding's knee"

"There weren't many murders in Ankh-Morpork, but there were a lot of ways to commit suicide."

Food doesn't lend itself well to quotes but if you got the scallop and black pudding quote you'll appreciate I love my food. I used to be a pescatarian (only because I didn't really like meat) but I have turned some corners and now I'm on paleo and eat a lot of meat. Vegetarians and I could probably get on but vegans - it's really not going to happen.

A passport to let me travel. Some cash or a card in my pocket for the same reason. And a sense of purpose. (Obviously oxygen etc..) but you can endure just about anything if you know why and believe in what you are doing. I had written lots of stuff like good wine and food then I realised I hadn't actually touched alcohol in four months so clearly I can do without it.

I have got really quite engrossed in some of the philosophical fields I've studied recently. I lost sleep over Free Will and I can become quite passionate (and probably quite dull) about multi-culturalism, nationalism and liberalism.

My first degree was broadly speaking international politics so that's always been fascinating to me and science. I am glad people like Brian Cox are around now as I kind of get it when he explains physics. I am all over biology though - I used to teach it when I lived in Kenya.

But also

"I'm not angry. In fact I am more puzzled. Please just explain to me, at what point did that seem like a good idea?"

At the risk of sounding horribly, tediously cliched I'm not sure there is a typical Friday right now. It depends a lot on work I am afraid. What I should list are places I might be:

In Kent/Sussex (where I grew up)
In France (where I have my house)
In Gloucester (where I am stationed)
In London (which is just brilliant - and where I went to Uni and worked before joining the Army)

I actually care about things and am disturbed by people who don't react when they see something which is clearly wrong or which is amazing.

, it seems like a good idea at the time. I don't have a type that I am looking for. I used to when I was fourteen but once I got an actual girlfriend I realised that real people are much deeper, complex and alluring than the rather bland ideals we make up. So..

If your profile is basically honest and not deliberately misleading (because it won't take long to realise and that'll be annoying for both of us).

If you're somewhere in the age category ranged old enough to legally drink in a bar to will not be mistaken for my Mum. I don't really care that much about age but the bigger the age gap the greater the other similarities need to be.

You live or are regularly based near at least one of the places I live.

I did come on here for dates but I have found myself administering career advice to women who want to join the armed forces. Feel free to email if that's you.