Find better matches with our advanced
matching system

—% Match
—% Enemy


37 M Bradford, UK

My Details

Last Online
Today – 2:29pm
5′ 9″ (1.75m)
Body Type
Mostly anything
Atheism, and very serious about it
Cancer, but it doesn’t matter
Graduated from university
Less than $20,000
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Strictly monogamous
Doesn’t have kids, but wants them
Likes dogs and likes cats
English, Sign Language

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Oh hi....didn't see you there....i was just polishing one of my many trophies for lovemaking

My friends would describe me as fun, clever, interesting, a terrifying sexual baboon in the wait, hang on, that's how they'd describe my mate Dave....they'd describe me as someone who sits in the dark listening to Lionel Richie whilst crying and masturbating (Lionel-ing)

So yeah, welcome to my profile.....let me guess, you enjoy staying in....AND....going out....fascinating....and going to the it me or do even the morbidly obese women on here claim to love going to the gym....personally, I'd rather watch "homes under the hammer" and eat a suspicious looking pie

Anyway, I'm looking for a profoundly meaningful & rewarding relationship with a woman of intellect, wit, passion, mystery and spiritual substance.....ideally with really big tits

I am, however, willing to lower my standards if necessary but i draw the line at women who throw their own shit around the room (unless you have Sky Sports....or a talking vagina)

So if lashings of sarcasm, dry wit and sexual deviancy sound like your kind of thing....send me a message.....I look forward to taking you out, romancing you, filling your life with wonder and excitement....but most of all, i look forward to showing you my penis

If i don't get back to you, don't be just means you're not good enough for me and will probably never find love cos you're so unattractive (but remember not to be offended)

**time wasters will be bludgeoned to death with a copy of the Chuckle brothers biography**


"He was weird and kept making 80's references" - Sarah688

"He arrived late then called me a fat cow - PinkLady1983

"The date was fine until he started tugging at his penis and shouting "by the power of greyskull" - Jess555

"Everything was great lol, but then it changed lol, and he dumped me lol, because i kept saying lol, lol" - AngelKate1

"Other than the smell, it was an ok date - Becky123

"I think he stole my purse - Sassy77
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
- What are you doing with yours, you nosey bastard?.....who are you anyway....why do you keep asking me these questions.....this is so fact, this is like being interrogated by a man who doesn't know who Kafka is and he's holding a light in my face and hitting his fist on the table shouting "WHO IS KAFKA......TELL ME!

- But if you must know......i'm doing fuck all....fannying about.......embracing the absurdity of existence in a Camus like fashion.....eating Cadbury's cream eggs until i get heartburn (also in a Camus like fashion)......masturbating.....self loathing.....and you?

- Reading profiles where women start the "what i'm doing with my life" section with the words....."when i'm not working on my PHD, i enjoy......".....and wondering if i should message them and shout "NOBODY ASKED ABOUT YOUR FUCKING PHD LOVE!!

- I work with people who have mental health problems and disabilities and find it equally challenging, disturbing and sexually arousing.....we don't call our clients mad, we prefer to use the phrase "the mentally hilarious"

- Not giving a shit about important grown up things but pretending that I do whenever I want to appear normal (that's how you trick the real grown ups into thinking you're one of them.....then when they're not looking, you eat all their sweets and run away shouting "fuck da police")

- Watching the Star Trek episode "Cause and effect" over and over and pretending it's because i'm caught in a time loop

- Asking people if they're on Facebook or last!!, a quick and effective way to know that someone is an idiot and i should stop talking to them

- Over investing in the importance of physical beauty....i go on dates with some really beautiful women.....who are so boring and thick and tedious....and yet my enormous reverence for physical beauty elevates them to a position of such power that i am compelled to try too hard, be too nice and predictably they lose i somehow find myself in a position where these dull, forgettable, non personality women are rejecting me!!!!....all because i place such high value on physical attractiveness....then, having been rejected, i leave the date wondering how the hell that happened....i didn't even like her....she was an idiot! the fuck did i end up being the one that got rejected....and then i end up drunk in a bar arguing with an overweight man called Stavros about Quantum Leap (it's awesome ok!!!....he was wrong, i was right.....lets just leave it at that)
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
- First dates.....i'll probably take you to Burger King (though it's more than you deserve, you ungrateful bitch!!)

- Fusing stereophonic funk jazz with psychedelic thrash metal to create a new sound known as "perpendicular big band electro"

- Pointing out silly things in films....ok, in Dark Knight rises, you do realise that someone had to climb up that building to cover it with petrol in a bat shape before he set fire to it....cos flammable bat shapes don't just make themselves, people!....i mean how did it get there!!....either Batman must have climbed up there and covered the building with petrol (requiring that he construct a complex network of scaffolding) which presumably happened the day before as he wouldn't have time to do it just before events unfold)....or he must have contracted out the work (can't really see Batman having the time for that stuff).....but what kind of company accepts a call saying "hey, can you guys whip up a flammable Bat shape by Thursday...i'm fighting some baddies" doesn't make fucking sense....what kind of company would agree to such terms!........and how did Batman know that it would be that building that they ended up at......fuck!!!.....i'm so confused!!

- Stopping midway through sex so that i can stare at you and grin, making you laugh at first but then i carry on doing it until you genuinely get scared....then i whisper in your ear...."i'm going to get you"
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
That i'm your new step dad.....and your mum has gone out for the day and you notice that i'm looking at you funny....and i'm unzipping my trousers
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I've read all the clever books that you haven't read and i only watch the clever films that are foreign and boring and are usually about a midget who falls in love with a pie (it's wouldn't get it...cos you're thick) the pie obviously represents your mum, you obvious

It's a toss up between "Last year in Marienbad" and "Carry on follow that camel"

My favourite band is "Bulls Hammer Séance".....what?'ve never heard of them....ha ha're so mainstream and read the daily mail and don't have awesome progressive politics like me....i will now assume that you like Coldplay and mock you......i am superior due to my entertainment preferences....oh and i like Bukowski because all pretentious fuck banjos love Bukowski

Most of the crap people write here is purely designed to make them look clever.....but wait, if you actually were clever, your profile would be funny, wouldn't it...instead of the tedious, forgettable anal bilge that it is......and while i'm aware that OK Cupid attracts a large number of women who use phrases like..."hetero normative, cis gender, sex positive, intersectional feminist etc"...there comes a point where you just have to say....oh fuck off you pretentious textbook liberal, excremental twat basket....we get it, you went to university....good for try being funny and interesting

I would however, like to confess to loving all 80's movies that contain any form of montage (obviously).....oh and i also have a major soft spot for Cary Grant films (man crush)

Speaking of 80's films, i have a deep love of the film "Mannequin"...apparently in the 80's, if you made quite good window displays, this meant you were a genius and should instantly be made a partner in the entire company by the mum from Golden girls....they don't make shit like this anymore
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
1 - The certainty that existence is a futile absurdity
2 - Crippling self doubt (it breaks up my day)
3 - That nagging sense that i'm better than you
4 - My fictional cop show "Flan & Quiche," which involves DCI Roger Flan teaming up with Inspector Brian Quiche and solving crime...they don't play by the rules cos they're mavericks and it's their ass on the line...the DA wants results and they've got 24 hours to solve the case or he'll have their badges
5 - Tea. Early Grey. Hot!
6 - My fictional cop show about a forensic psychologist called Lucy Dandelion who meets and falls in love with a wise-cracking, hard drinking, cynical cop called Kevin Burdock.....just need to come up with a name for it
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Why so many women i talk to on here end up asking me to read their fucking blog.....has a blog ever been written that wasn't tedious, self involved, talentless, narcissistic shite....go and have a look at yourself in the nearest mirror and repeat the phrase..."why do i need others to see me existing in order to feel that i do"....oh and if you say you're a better not be talking about your fucking blog, you total monkey pumper....

I'm aware that asking a man who is trying to date you to read your blog makes sense (a man that wants to get into your pants liking your blog....what were the odds) but please don't make that mistake with me.....i will tell you it's shit (cos without even reading it, i know it is)

....Oh and if your blog is about the internet dating experience and the weird messages you get from now have a blog that all talentless women have.....but hey, that doesn't mean a major publishing house won't call any minute....*tassels hair patronisingly and adopts baby voice*....yes, you are a good writer.....yes you are


This is not about crisps.....ok, it is a bit about crisps

The 80's sitcom "Alf".....i spend hours thinking about this

Life has taught me that confidence is more comforting to people (especially women) than intelligence, experience or even actual competence....walk in a room on Tuesday and say with absolute charm, confidence and certainty that it's Friday, and people will listen....yes, they will eventually realise you're wrong but you had them....they were yours...they took comfort in your certainty (it's the secret to everything)

I was using sponge scourers for years....i only recently discovered metal scourers....i feel like such an idiot

Why do women block you when you don't reply to them? they think this bothers the person they're blocking?........the person that wasn't interested in them

Resentment = swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die

When women say they're not interested in NSA fun, i read it as national security to me, they're actually saying....."i'm not interested in national security agency fun"...which makes me most amused
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
1 - Walking up to strange women & saying...."you complete me"
2 - Drinking gin and chain smoking while i pace up and down cos my new novel about (blah blah pale & interesting blah) is really intense and so am i...and there are no other people writing great novels like mine...and that's why i'm allowed to lack self awareness...because i'm writing a novel god damn it!...i'm important!!!...and i also write a blog...i matter!!...don't you people realise that i have a twitter account!!
3 - Walking up to strange men & shouting "Khaaaann!"
4 - Listening to "don't be shy" by Cat Stevens over and over and over then wondering if i should watch Harold & Maude again
5 - Thinking of suitable names for my penis (Erasmus?....Engelbert?........kenneth?)
6 - walking up to strange women & saying....."would you like to stroke Kenneth"
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I was sent to prison by a military court for a crime i didn't commit. I promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, i survive as a soldier of fortune.

I created the question....."how would you feel if your partner wanted to give up work to search the globe looking for people that slightly resemble Lionel Richie".....and yes, i'm immensely proud of myself

According to some women i've dated, this profile made them think i would be talkative, fun loving and, no!!..... to clarify, i am smug, grumpy and sexually aggressive....see that suspicious looking man standing outside your house right now....that's probably me
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 27–44
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For long-term dating
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You have a genuinely lovely vagina.....or biscuits.....even some crisps will do (as long as they're beef....but this isn't really about crisps....ok, it is a bit about crisps)

You want to discuss my "Flan & Quiche" cop show idea (and who wouldn't)

You angrily refuse to watch "Superman, Superman 2, Superman 3" but bizarrely, you constantly demand that we watch "Superman 4; The Quest for Peace" and if we don't, you get all weird about it and start throwing books at me (including Don Quixote even though i told you not to throw that one)

When asked..."do you want to live life to the full"...your response, piss off, i'm staying in and watching Farscape

You're curvy and constantly want to feed me

You respect my authority!

You're clever, funny, not really shit

DO NOT message me if

You're one of those open relationship, poly type people. There's something slightly broken and sexless about them.....i wouldn't mind if they just said..."i love fucking"...that would actually make sense but no, it's always linked to some infantile university/internet based liberal philosophy built on privilege......and is it my imagination or are they generally quite unattractive that relevant somehow?

Speaking of privileged guilty white people.....if you make a big song & dance about not responding to messages from homophobes or racists.....are you being inundated with messages from homophobes & racists?....are you constantly receiving messages along the lines of....

...."hey, how are you, i'm a racist and wondered if you'd like to go to the zoo with me"....or

...."hi there, i love to discriminate against transgender people and would love to take you to see Anchor man 2....i really love Ron Bergundy's moustache"..., of course not you utter cream just wanted everyone to know that you're not homophobic or racist because you believe it's an feel your non-bigotry deserves a round of doesn' should simply be the norm, you tediously transparent liberal i said earlier.....we get went to university......congratulations


This is a dating site!! I have no interest in getting to know you through messages. People can be funny, confident and articulate in messages but then you meet them in real life and they're a completely tedious arse apple or a monstrous fuck wang. In an ideal world, your first message to me would be the words...."hey wanna meet up this Saturday", seriously, i find messaging beyond boring. If this profile makes you laugh and you think we might get on then lets just crack on....chances are we'll have absolutely no chemistry whatsoever anyway so please, for the love of God...get. on. with. it.