Find better matches with our advanced matching system

—% Match
—% Enemy


36 M Bradford, United Kingdom

My Details

Last Online
Online now!
5′ 9″ (1.75m)
Body Type
Mostly anything
Atheism, and very serious about it
Cancer, but it doesn’t matter
Graduated from university
Less than $20,000
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Strictly monogamous
Doesn’t have kids, but wants them
Likes dogs and likes cats
English, Sign Language

Similar Users

My self-summary
Hello ladies, time wasters and nutters....welcome to my corner of the cesspit....wipe your feet

So my friends would describe me as fun, sexy, exciting, wait, sorry, that's how they'd describe my mate Dave....they'd describe me as a bit of a smug twat.....and with a face like an anus...but it's a warm, friendly, thoughtful anus that enjoys culture, the arts & walks in the country (are you picturing an anus in a museum....lets hope so)

So yeah, welcome to my may shock you to learn that i enjoy staying in AND....wait for it.....wait for it.............going out

Now this would obviously be the part where i tell you that i love going to the gym, right?.....well you can fuck off....i'd rather dig a hole to the centre of the earth with my balls than go to a gym....i'd rather watch snooker for 2 weeks listening to nothing but experimental jazz....i'd rather write a 50,000 word essay called "why Bono is great"....i'd rather have a Latvian truck driver called Boris rest his balls on my face after a 12 hour get the picture.

I'm looking for a profoundly meaningful and rewarding relationship with a woman i adore intensely in a manner that drains me of all the passion, mystery and love within my that too much to ask.....oh and someone with big tits would be nice

Ideally, an intelligent woman with a sense of humour, a vagina and some biscuits (not necessarily in that order). I am willing to lower my standards if necessary but i draw the line at women who throw their own shit around the room....meh, who am i kidding, i'd probably date you fact, you sound like fun

I'd like to take this opportunity to congratulate the woman that eventually gets me....well played

What is it women say at the end of their profiles.....If i don't get back to you, it's nothing personal, i just don't think we'd be compatible....sounds like bollocks to me but yeah, i'll go with that


A genuinely disturbing dating profile that should cause concern for all women" - The Times

Painbow re-defines our understanding of what a profile can be....surely a new dawn in internet dating has arrived - The Mirror

Great Painbow still manages to be single is a mystery....women should be fucking ashamed of themselves....fucking ashamed - The Guardian

Painbows profile is nothing more than liberal propaganda designed to promote the agendas of gypsies and terrorists - The Daily Mail

He swears quite a lot in the profile.......we thoroughly enjoyed it.....good work fella - Nuts

Never has a dating profile made my nipples so erect....i'd definitely put sex in his mouth - Take a break

The sooner you date him, the sooner you can come on the show - Jeremy Kyle

Much like life....rating me highly is pointless...because i don't know who you are.....and while i'd like to say this is because no one can truly know who you's actually because OK Cupid doesn't tell me (women obviously aren't reading this cos i'm still getting highly rated by some....I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!)
What I’m doing with my life
- Oh, not much....fannying about....getting a little fatter each year.....increasingly becoming more aware of death.....getting slightly more right wing as each year goes by....eating Cadbury's cream eggs until i get heartburn.....and you

- I work with people who have mental health problems and disabilities and find it equally challenging, disturbing and sexually arousing.....we don't call our clients mad, we prefer to use the phrase "the mentally hilarious"

- Trying to avoid becoming one of those people who believes that going to the gym is an interest....cretinous dick biscuits

- Getting annoyed when Starbucks staff ask for my's Professor Fandango mind your own fucking business cock burger...(stop asking for my twatting name!!.....McDonalds don't ask for my name and they serve about 15 more fucking people per second...stop trying to make your fucking giant evil money making corporation into a friendly right-on gathering of bohemian hipsters.....tossers!) and anyone who takes a laptop to Starbucks should be violently bludgeoned with the rancid decaying skull of a recently deceased family member

- Shouting "John" across the street and watching all the people not called John turn around
I’m really good at
- First dates.....i'll probably take you to Burger King (though it's more than you deserve, you ungrateful, repulsive whore)

- Fusing stereophonic funk jazz with psychedelic thrash metal to create a kind of perpendicular big band, electro disco, pop acid sound

- Pointing out silly things in films....ok, in Dark Knight rises, you do realise that Batman had to climb up that building to cover it with petrol in a bat shape before he set fire to it....cos flammable bat shapes don't just make themselves, people!....i mean how did it get there!!....either Batman must have gone there the night before, climbed up the building (possibly constructing some kind of delicate scaffolding) and covered the wall with a very complex bat shape....or he contracted out the work (can't really see Batman having the time for that stuff).....but what kind of company accepts a call saying "hey, can you guys whip up a flammable Bat shape by Thursday...i'm fighting some baddies" doesn't make fucking sense....what kind of company would agree to such terms!........fuck!!!.....i'm so confused!!

- Putting right, what once went wrong and hoping that my next leap....will be the leap home

- Stopping midway through sex so that i can stare at you and grin, making you laugh at first but then i carry on doing it until you genuinely get scared....then i whisper in your ear...."i'm going to get you"
The first things people usually notice about me
That i'm trying to put something in my anus
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I've read all the clever books that you haven't and only watch clever films that are foreign and boring because i am super clever and read the guardian and i'm better than you

I also like bands that you've never heard favourite band is "Bulls Hammer Séance".....what?'ve never heard of them....ha ha're so normal and uncool and must read the daily mail....i will now assume that you like Coldplay and you're not as unique and right-on as me....i am superior....ha ha ha.....i'm better than you due to my entertainment preferences....oh and i like Bukowski because all pretentious fuck banjos love Bukowski)


The Stranger - Camus
The trial - Kafka
Metamorphosis - Kafka
The brothers Karamazov - Dostoyevsky
Anna Karenina - Tolstoy
David Copperfield - Dickens

The hairdresser’s husband
Double life of Veronique
The Fall
Die hard
Breakfast club
They live
Shawshank redemption

If it was made in the 80's & has a montage, i probably love it....I also have a major soft spot for Cary Grant (man crush) and own a lot of his films

Speaking of 80's films, i have a deep love of the film "Mannequin"...apparently in the 80's, if you made really good window displays, this meant you were a genius and should obviously be made a partner in the entire company....WTF!!.....but it's ok cos there's a montage so it all worked out well (bring back Andrew McCarthy!!)

All Star Trek (essentially on a loop)
I'm Alan Partridge (essentially on a loop)
Peep show
Breaking bad
Game of thrones
Walking Dead
West Wing

Kings of Convenience
Serge Gainsbourg
Joanna Newsom
The Beatles
80's cheese

-My own company
-Yorkshire tea
-80's crap
-Cheese (both the food and the humour)
-The rain (pluviophile)
-Waking up & wondering if i exist then coming to the conclusion that even if i do, it's an empty existence & i am forever trapped alone in my absurd search for meaning
-Your mums vagina

-People who think intelligence is a form of depression
-People who think cynicism makes them look intelligent
-People who are all pro-active and shit....constantly insisting on living life to the full and....look at me, i'm making the most of my transient existence and having amazing, life altering experiences"....yeah yeah, whatever....piss off, i'm watching Quantum Leap and staying in
The six things I could never do without
1 - The certainty that existence is a futile absurdity
2 - Crippling self doubt (it breaks up my day)
3 - Something in my anus
4 - My fictional cop show "Flan & Quiche," which involves DCI Roger Flan teaming up with Inspector Brian Quiche and solving crime...they don't play by the rules cos they're mavericks and it's their ass on the line...the DA wants results and they've got 24 hours to solve the case or he'll have their badges
5 - Tea. Early Grey. Hot!
6 - My fictional cop show about a forensic psychologist called Lucy Mash who meets and falls in love with a wise-cracking, hard drinking, cynical cop called Kevin Bangers.....just need to come up with a name for it
I spend a lot of time thinking about
What to put in my anus next

The 80's sitcom mind fuck that was "Alf"......did that happen

Gary Wilmot

I was using sponge scourers for years....i only recently discovered metal scourers....i feel like such an idiot
On a typical Friday night I am
1 - Walking up to strange women & saying...."you complete me"
2 - Drinking gin and chain smoking while i pace up and down cos my new novel about (blah blah pale & interesting blah) is really intense and so am i...and there are no other people writing great novels like mine...and that's why i'm allowed to lack self awareness...because i'm writing a novel god damn it!...i'm important!!!...and i also write a blog...i matter!!...don't you people realise that i have a twitter account!!
3 - Walking up to strange men & shouting "Khaaaann!"
4 - Discussing the merits of putting things in my anus with some of the greatest intellectuals of the age
5 - Thinking of suitable names for my penis (Erasmus?....Engelbert?........kenneth?)
6 - walking up to strange women & saying....."would you like to stroke Kenneth"
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I don't have an anus

I searched "guys looking for girls" and was relieved to discover that my competition consists of tedious dick trifles with about as much wit and personality as Rick Astley's inner thighs....what a relief.....but they're good looking so i suspect they're still getting much more hot lady action than me *shakes fist*

I make pigs smoke

I like Coldplay (mainly to annoy hipsters)

I'm so desperate for love that on our date if you ask me to do a poo in front of you....i probably will

I feed beefburgers to swans

I like board games.....yeah, wanna make something of it

I've got big sheds but no one is allowed in them

I created the question....."how would you feel if your partner wanted to give up work to search the globe looking for people that slightly resemble Lionel Richie".....and yes, i'm immensely pleased with myself

I've got 20 foot high chickens that are scared because they don't know why they're so massive
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 27–44
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For long-term dating
You should message me if
You have a vagina

You have biscuits

You want to put things in my anus

You want to discuss my "Flan & Quiche" cop show idea (and who wouldn't)

You're excited by the idea of watching "Superman" with me but significantly less excited by the idea of watching "Superman 4; The Quest for Peace" with me

You're inexplicably attracted to below average men

You have something called a sense of humour (they were popular back in the 80's for a brief time)

If you read my profile, thought it was funny, intelligent, interesting but then you looked at my pictures and thought..."awww, i wish he was better looking....what a shame...anyway, i'll go message that bland guy who's really gorgeous" .....then i only have one thing to say to you.... probably did the right thing


If you read all this crap.....well done to you (no seriously, reward yourself immediately)

This profile will self destruct in 5 seconds