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30 Chicago, IL Man


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I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 24–50
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

My details

Last online
Aug 31
5′ 10″ (1.78m)
Body Type
Strictly anything
Graduated from university
Doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t want any
Likes dogs
English (Fluently), French (Poorly)
My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Singing along to Spice Girl songs makes my days better. If, for some reason, you need to know more I guess you can keep reading.

I adore astronomy as it provides these beautiful images of unfathomable things. Such as the birth of a star that shoots out a gas cloud that is longer than our galaxy. There is just something about realizing that my brain cannot comprehend an object or idea that I find incredibly alluring. It is exciting to run into the current limit of human understanding and then hoping to be alive when we figure out the answer.

Do a Google image search of Earthrise. Then search for Pale Blue Dot. Those two things are some of the most awe inspiring and staggering images I have seen in my life.

Basically, astronomy gives me feelings.

In my opinion, being able to laugh at just about everything is an incredibly important talent. Life is pretty damn funny when you think about, and I find that humor whenever possible.

Also, I am good to people and things. So there is that.
Further, I am not good at writing. Simply read on for proof of what happens when you ask someone with ADHD to fill out a profile. Central themes? Coherent narrative? Structure of any sort? Not gunna find it here.

What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I am working as a paralegal to gain the necessary experience to finish up the screenplay for my film Paralegally Blonde. (Yes, I wrote out all of that just to make a pun)

My two year plan is to get a dog. New apt - credit card debt + financial planning = puppy! (Or older dog. I kind of like the idea of adopting an older lady dog.)

I am also trying to earn enough money so I can buy a trip to the Moon, where I will settle down and build a Moon House, with a Moon Lawn and a White Picket Moon Fence. Find me a lovely lady with childbearing hips and make us some Moon Babies.


Just started a new job as an Ombudsman Paralegal. Basically, I protect the rights of people living in long term health care facilities. Yes, this is an awesome job. Yes, I am very aware of this. Yes, women in their 70's tell me I am very charming ALL THE TIME.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Reading. I mean, I really good at being literate.

Learning new things.
Punning like a father.
Escaping a posse on horseback.

Things one cannot mention in polite society.

Telling hilariously true stories about my life. Anything from my first kiss to almost getting falsely arrested to an awkward attempt to ask a girl out.

Being a good friend. I have had multiple friends compliment me on this. They tell me "Thank you for being a friend, you traveled down the road and back again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant"
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
That I am lip syncing to Shania Twain or the Spice Girls.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
The Thomas Covenant Chronicles, Haruki Murakami, Campaigns of Napoleon (I am a history geek), Sex at Dawn, Fear of Physics Atom: A Single Oxygen Atom's Journey from the Big Bang to Life on Earth...and Beyond., The Covenant of Death, anything Christopher Hitchens, Money: a Suicide Note., Autumn in the Heavenly Kingdom: China, the West, and the Epic Story of the Taiping Civil War., The Face of Battle, The Mask of Command (Basically anything by John Keegan
Personal Memoirs of Ulysses S. Grant (really freaking good. That man could write.), The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P, The Son, John Scalzi

Henry's Kitchen

Battlestar Galactica
Mr. Show with Bob and David - This show has had the greatest impact on my humor and it still cracks me up after the 13th time I've seen an episode. Basically, if you hate this show then I hate YOU.
Coupling (British version)
Firefly. If you think this show is terrible, I will fight you.
Mystery Science Theater 3000

Memento, 50/50, anything by Akira Kurosowa, Equilibrium, Primer (which is one of the best films ever made about time travel.)
The Cutting Edge (Toe pick!)
Riff Trax

Mutemath, Ben Folds, Sara Bareiiles, Regina Spektor, Company of Thieves, Beastie Boys, Jonathan Coulton, Tune-Yards, Wild Flag, Beastie Boys, Robyn, Fitz and the Tantrums, Jose Suicidio
The Spice Girls Best of Cd has some great hits on it. Headlines is great stuff. Seriously, no guilt with this pleasure.

The Nerdist, Sex Nerd Sandra, Three Moves Ahead, Savage Love, StarTalk Radio, Radiolab, NPR in general

This is an exhaustive list. These are all the things I love. If it is not on this list THEN I DESPISE IT.
I'm looking at you, Citizen Kane...
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Learning something new or being there when someone else learns something new.

Being GGG, and also Dan Savage.

An epi-pen. Deathly allergic to sunflowers. To date, sunflowers have made two attempts on my life. They will not get a third, this I swear.

Reading damn good books. History books are especially important to me, without the chance to learn something new about our history, ugh, life wouldn't be as interesting.

Nights spent inside with friends.

My nieces. Not going to lie, I adore them. Chances are, my nieces are way better than you. Honesty. It's what I'm all about.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
How hard online dating is for people with learning disabilities. I mean, lots of women hate bad spelling and grammar so people who have learning disabilities must have a really hard time meeting women. My older brother has a learning disability where he has lots of trouble spelling and he ends up spelling phonetically a lot of the time. So, "nite" "to hundrid" etc. So, ladies, sometimes the guy isn't stupid or lazy but just has a learning disability. Don't discount him out of hand, okay? As Lady Gaga would say, he was born that way.

Avoiding death by sunflowers.

Finding good moments to shout out "aaahhh, fudge muffins" angrily.

How I would handle first contact with an alien species (Hint: Don't freak out)


Sex positivity.

How much I really want a guy friend who will sing Spice Girls' songs with me on Karaoke nights.

Morality of driving.

How sexy and awesome single mothers are. I mean, they have to manage a lot of stress and complex things. They have amazing skill sets! So sexy!

Astronomy. Again, you should really look into astronomy. It is freaking awesome.

The vastness of space.

How much I would love to date Dan Savage. That man is freaking awesome.

How awesome it is to live in a world in which the song "Opposites Attract" by Paula Abdul exists.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Singing really badly at a Karaoke bar. On the line up: Soul Decision "Faded" and "Higher Love" by Steve Winwood

or Board games with friends. Especially Cards Against Humanity and Fiasco.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I enjoy the Carly Rae Jepsen song "Call Me Maybe" in an entirely non-ironic fashion. That song makes me legitimately happy. It gets me dancing and generally making a fool of myself. And it is not a "guilty pleasure" okay? There is no guilt, only joy.

Related note: I have purchased the Spice Girls Best of cd. It is awesome.

Oh, and I would really like to have sex with a man at least once in my life. I don't have a strong attraction to men, but I sure do have a lot of fun playing my own cock so it seems like it would be fun to play with someone else's.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
Cute, interesting, and funny women rock my world.

Do you dance burlesque? Count me in. Seriously, every woman I have seen dance, regardless of shape or size or anything, has been so incredibly beautiful. There is just something amazing about a woman who is comfortable enough to show off her dancing and herself on stage. It is just awesome sauce. (note: the half naked part is nice, not going to lie, but what is really sexy awesome about it is the confidence and the talent on display.)

If you believe that everyone should be excellent to one another, you get points (double plus bonus points if you thought of Bill & Ted).

Are you Allison Janney? Then contact me, if you please, as I want to take you out to a fancy dinner then ballroom dancing.

Lindsey Stirling, I will wait for you and your violin always.