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29 M Chicago, IL

I’m looking for

  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 24–60
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

My Details

Last Online
Yesterday – 6:05pm
5′ 9″ (1.75m)
Body Type
Strictly anything
Graduated from university
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Likes dogs
English (Fluently), French (Poorly)

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My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Currently, I am saving up money so that I can explore space and time. Much like Star Trek, but with significantly less amounts of making out with alien women. (It is highly likely that most aliens are not bipedal humanoids and I have no desire to French Kiss someone with a proboscis for a mouth or more than four appendages.)

I adore astronomy as it provides these beautiful images of unfathomable things. Such as the birth of a star that shoots out a gas cloud that is longer that our galaxy. There is just something about realizing that my brain cannot comprehend an object or idea that I find incredibly alluring. It is exciting to run into the current limit of human understanding and then hoping to be alive when we figure out the answer.

Do a Google image search of Earthrise. Then search for Pale Blue Dot. Those two things are some of the most awe inspiring and staggering images I have seen in my life.

Basically, you should be into astronomy.

In my opinion, being able to laugh at just about everything is an incredibly important talent. Life is pretty damn funny when you think about, and I find that humor whenever possible.

Also, I am good to people and things. So there is that.
Further, I am not good at writing. Simply read on for proof of what happens when you ask someone with ADHD to fill out a profile.

What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I am working as a paralegal to gain the necessary experience to finish up the screenplay for my film Paralegally Blonde. (First half true, second half is not)

I am also trying to earn enough money so I can buy a trip to the Moon, where I will settle down and build a Moon House, with a Moon Lawn and a White Picket Moon Fence. Find me a lovely lady with childbearing hips and make us some Moon Babies.

If space is too far and too costly, I would settle for a couple of rides on the Vomit Comet.

Just started a new job as an Ombudsman Paralegal. Basically, I protect the rights of people living in long term health care facilities. Yes, this is an awesome job. Yes, I am very aware of this. Yes, old women tell me I am very charming ALL THE TIME.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
My ability to recall what I have read is, to be modest, quite astounding. With any book I have read, I can recall most of the major plot points. I routinely read a book half way, set it down then pick up a month later, all without forgetting what is going on. Strangely, this ability rarely translates into getting dates. *ironic sigh*

Learning new things.
Singing poorly.
Escaping a posse on horseback.

Herding bears and eagle husbandry.

Finding hilariously bad music videos on youtube. (check out b4-4 Get Down, it makes my life immeasurably better)

Telling hilariously true stories about my life. Anything from my first kiss to almost getting falsely arrested to an awkward attempt to ask a girl out. (It involves an out of body experience)
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
That I am dancing God.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
The Thomas Covenant Chronicles
Haruki Murakami
Campaigns of Napoleon (I am a history geek)
Sex at Dawn
Fear of Physics
Atom: A Single Oxygen Atom's Journey from the Big Bang to Life on Earth...and Beyond.
The Covenant of Death
Christopher Hitchens
Money: a Suicide Note.
Autumn in the Heavenly Kingdom: China, the West, and the Epic Story of the Taiping Civil War.
The Face of Battle
The Mask of Command (Basically anything by John Keegan
Personal Memoirs of Ulysses S. Grant (really freaking good. That man could write.)
The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P

Henry's Kitchen

Battlestar Galactica
Mr. Show with Bob and David - This show has had the greatest impact on my humor and it still cracks me up after the 13th time I've seen an episode. Basically, if you hate this show then I hate YOU.
Coupling (British version)
Firefly. If you think this show is terrible, I will fight you.
Mystery Science Theater 3000

Memento, 50/50, anything by Akira Kurosowa, Equilibrium, Primer (which is one of the best films ever made about time travel.)
The Cutting Edge (Toe pick!)
Riff Trax

Mutemath, Ben Folds, Sara Bareiiles, Regina Spektor, Company of Thieves, Beastie Boys, Jonathan Coulton, Tune-Yards, Wild Flag, Beastie Boys, Robyn, Fitz and the Tantrums, Jose Suicidio
The Spice Girls Best of Cd has some great hits on it. Headlines is great stuff. Seriously, no guilt with this pleasure.

The Nerdist
Sex Nerd Sandra
Three Moves Ahead
Savage Love
StarTalk Radio

This is an exhaustive list. These are all the things I love. If it is not on this list THEN I DESPISE IT.
I'm looking at you, Citizen Kane...
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Gravity (unless in space, in which case an entirely different six things would apply: Velcro, those plastic baggies that they put liquids in, shielding from cosmic rays, sweet telescopes, books, some sort of contraption that allows me to have sweet, sweet zero gee space sex)

Being GGG, and also Dan Savage.

An epi-pen. Deathly allergic to sunflowers. To date, sunflowers have made two attempts on my life. They will not get a third, this I swear.

Reading damn good books. History books are especially important to me, without the chance to learn something new about our history, ugh, life wouldn't be as interesting.

Nights spent inside with friends.

My nieces. Not going to lie, I adore them. Chances are, my nieces are way better than you. Honesty. It's what I'm about.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
How hard online dating is for people with learning disabilities. I mean, lots of women hate bad spelling and grammar so people who have learning disabilities must have a really hard time meeting women. My older brother has a learning disability where he has lots of trouble spelling and he ends up spelling phonetically a lot of the time. So, "nite" "to hundrid" etc. So, ladies, sometimes the guy isn't stupid or lazy but just has a learning disability. Don't discount him out of hand, okay? As Lady Gaga would say, he was born that way.

Avoiding death by sunflowers.

Finding good moments to shout out "aaahhh, fudge muffins" angrily.

How I would handle first contact with an alien species (Hint: Don't freak out)


Sex positivity.

How much I really want a guy friend who will sing Spice Girls' songs with me on Karaoke nights.

Morality of driving.

Astronomy. Again, you should really look into astronomy. It is freaking awesome.

The vastness of space.

How much I would love to date Dan Savage if I were gay. Ok, I would date Dan Savage regardless of my sexual orientation. That man is freaking awesome.

How awesome it is to live in a world in which the song "Opposites Attract" by Paula Abdul exists.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Singing really badly at a Karaoke bar. On the line up: Soul Decision "Faded" and "Higher Love" by Steve Winwood

or Board games with friends. Especially Cards Against Humanity and Fiasco.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I enjoy the Carly Rae Jepsen song "Call Me Maybe" in an entirely non-ironic fashion. That song makes me legitimately happy. It gets me dancing and generally making a fool of myself. And it is not a "guilty pleasure" okay? There is no guilt, only joy.

Related note: I have purchased the Spice Girls Best of cd. It is awesome.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
If you have the eyes of a confident, intelligent, and daring woman then I am very interested in meeting you.

If you believe that everyone should be excellent to one another, you get points (double plus bonus points if you thought of Bill & Ted).

Are you Allison Janney? Then contact me, if you please, as I want to take you out to a fancy dinner then ballroom dancing.

Also, I have come to realize how amazing single moms are. I mean, you manage your life AND a whole other persons life? Successfully??!!? That is some sexy, awesome skill sets you got right there.