When I feel that I am close to dying, I plan on donating my body to
science. Then, I will have a plastic surgeon to insert a pop bottle
sized canister into my abdomen, right next to the spleen. This
canister will be filled with fake spring loaded snakes that will
leap out when it is opened.
If all goes well, I can then die with the satisfaction of knowing
that I am going to make some poor med student shit himself during
his or her anatomy class. :)
What I’m doing with my life
After completing three years of law school I've come to the
conclusion that lawyer'n ain't for me (80+ hours a week, nope).
Instead, I'm helping rebuild the our once-mighty family business
(we make industrial brooms and cleaning supplies). Basically, I'm
living out Arrested Development. I'd like to think I'm Michael, but
in reality I'm probably Gob. In the meantime, I'm looking to meet
friends, romantic interests, arch nemeses, and (if I'm really
lucky) a romantic interest/arch nemesis.
I’m really good at
For what it's worth, I've been told I'm a talented musician, but
I've been told a lot of things... Actually I'm more of a producer,
which is to say that instead of rocking out on stage I sit in a
dark room staring at a computer screen while wearing headphones and
plucking away at a MIDI keyboard until my masterpiece is finished.
That and recording other musicians.
Plotting nefarious machinations.
Making people chortle.
The first things people usually notice about me
The stench of evil, which deceptively smells like peanut butter
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
The Calvin and Hobbes comic strip started running the year I was
born, and I have been reading it almost my whole life. There will
always be a place for a for a Calvin and Hobbes "Treasury"
collection on my nightstand (bonus brownie points if you know what
a transmogrifier is, and extra super points if you can pronounce
I'd love to go on about myself all day, but my nap time approaches.
Plus, I think there are positives in remaining mysterious. When you
go on a date with someone and you already know nearly everything
there is to know about them, what is there to really talk about?
Hopefully, it will cut down on the chances of a date becoming an
"interview," where one just sort of interrogates the other with a
question such a: "so, it says here on page 2 that you like the
'night life,' and specifically that you like to 'boogie.' Would you
mind elaborating on that?"
The six things I could never do without
My magnificent Lazyboy recliner. This chair will accompany me to
Valhalla via my Viking funeral.
My cellphone/watch/alarm clock/daily planner/mp3 player/boombox.
The thing beeps and tells me what to do. I'd be lost without
My laptop, "Debbie."
My brain stem.
My circulatory system.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
What to put in this section. Woe, how this section CONFOUNDS me!
On a typical Friday night I am
Asleep. I go to bed at sundown.
However, since "society" seems to frown on my sleeping patterns,
I'm often forced to stir up good times with my "friends." Until
they're distracted, that is; then I make my escape.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I was once abducted and probed by aliens. After the initial probing
I asked if they were up for another round. They declined citing
that it was late and they had space-work early in the morning. They
courteously dropped me off at my house.
They told me they would call me - they didn't. Assholes...
P.S. I've killed before.
P.P.S. I plan on killing again.
You should message me if
You're a fairly independent and confident person who's doesn't need
to be tracked on GPS in order to feel loved.
Also, girls that burp... loudly.