43 Berkeley, CA
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My self-summary
I was recently advised [THIS CONTENT HAS BEEN REDACTED]

Alright. So, with that in mind, let's proceed. *ahem*

Do not read profile while operating heavy equipment. Tell your doctor or pharmacist about all the other profiles you are reading, before beginning this one. Rare but serious side effects have been reported after reading
this profile. Risk can be reduced by administering bong hits immediately prior to reading. Drinking alcohol may enhance the effects of this profile. If administering profile with martinis, the use of Mumbai Sapphire Gin is recommended. If vodka in used in place of gin, what you're making is not a martini, and to call it such is an abomination unto our Lord, and grounds for immediate smiting. Viewers of Family Guy are urged NOT to read this profile, due to the marked levels of disdain I already feel for them.

In case of profile overdose, induce vomiting and contact your local Poison Control Center immediately.

All readers are advised to seek psychiatric evaluations within six to eight weeks of beginning profile use. Lower income readers may qualify for financial assistance with psychiatric bills, by using our negotiated group discount code. Please see Carol at reception for details. [CAROL: Hobos are to fill out Form 212, front and back. Green clipboards for Compostees, yellow for the rest. Corporate has asked that they ALL get flea dip and delousing now, and THEN take the Compostees to Room 4. Maureen and Tom will be leg-banding the rest, and assigning them to appropriate work details.] [CAROL: Again, all the text within brackets is to REDACT! Please try for 100% this time - it's really quite important. Also, remember to refill ice trays. Thx]
DISCLAIMER: The reading of this profile is almost certainly a poor use of your time, and, for this reason, is not recommended. Time spent reading this profile will be withdrawn from your total time, and refunds are not possible. Management is not responsible for injuries - mental, physical, or spiritual - incurred while using this profile. ~Caveat Lector~

*SO* Last we left off, we were settling in for a Family Meeting in the Self-Summary Room. Shiva the Diva's awhirl in a smeltdown, while Herr Entropy just crackles and buzzes...


It has been brought to my attention that there is some Goddamnbiguity in the job descriptions of our Member Citizens. Let's sort it out.

Shiva. Certainly your role here is the more complex one. For that reason, let us first review the role of Entropy, which is nicely laid out in one chapter. Shiva? Can you tell me the title of your brother's chapter?

The Second Suggestion of Thermodynamics.

No, Shiva. That is not it. Try again.

The Second Musing upon Thermodynamics

No, Shiva. Come on. Okay. In the interest of moving us along, permit me. The chapter is titled:


And it states, rather simply, the following:

"The entropy of an isolated system being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to spontaneously evolve toward thermodynamic equilibrium shall not be infringed."

I find myself trapped on abandoned submarines pretty regularly -- I think more often than is typical. I don't know how it happens.... I mean, for each incident, I know, but each time is different. I just don't see any patterns of behavior to change... It can be such a time suck, too. Like, days. First world problem as they say, but still. Quite vexing.
What I’m doing with my life
Oh.... My beautiful beautiful taxonomic class war is a MESS now! It's become a quagmire. And not a beautiful beautiful quagmire, like Afghanistan, just a big squishy mess. Gross! And I was so wrong about the tunicates, too. SO wrong! Squishy bastards.... I must restructure the whole thing. Which means mass redacting of the records. Here we go....


**BA-CHOMP!** ....hackhackhackhack....


(shhhhhh! The Chief Taxonomist's about to speak-)
**BA-CHOMP!** ....hackhackhackhack....

...featuring such popular members as:
Bambi !
Aldous Huxley !
Myrna Minkoff !
The Ocelots !
The Wildebeests !
and kittens, Kittens, KITTENS !!!

... and in the other corner, representing the Axis of EVIL,
(boooooo! the crowd hates it)

Oh, that's right, SEA CUCUMBERS... You are goin DOWN!! Squish!!

It is the Sea CUCUMBER that is our enemy, NOT, repeat, NOT the Sea SQUIRT!! There have been some MOST unfortunate incidents of Friendly Squish....! The Sea Squirts (aka Tunicates) are decent, good-hearted CHORDATES, just like you and me!

Just as we learned to accept that the whales and manatees are not fish...(pffft. right.)

I’m really good at
Clarifying. Or... not clarifying, but.... elaborating. I'm happy to elaborate. I can always provide more information. Some information clarifies, some further enshrouds.

NOTE: When ordering information, don't hassle the phone rep about which type of information you want! The rep has no control over that. The rep takes the orders, and sends them to the warehouse, where the warehouse guys fill the orders from whichever 40 gallon drum is open in front of them. Some drums are Clarifying, some are Enshrouding. You get what you get. Jeez! Does it matter?
Measuring my own height
The first things people usually notice about me
... is that I'm slowly submerging them in a vat of mercury. But look: if you're going to get all weird and paranoid about it, it's not going to be a good experience for anyone. You have to totally relax. Believe me, it's challenging enough to get the head submerged properly, without the other segments being all aggro and combative. Just relaxxxxx...

Okay. Better. Now - you're going to feel a little pressure here at first, right on the top of your head. This sensation will gradually increase, and the best outcome will be achieved if you sit up very straight. Atta boy. Next, that pressure is really going to rise -- if you find it uncomfortable, that suggests you fear emotional intimacy. Or else, that you hit a chipmunk once, in your car. But why was he even in the car -- hadn't you invited him in? If that's the case, then you should NOT have hit him, and he was right to be upset. So what did you expect? Of course the pressure of the mercury spa treatment is going to intensify that discomfort that's already in you. The truth hurts, doesn't it?

We're just about done, anyway. During this next phase, you may experience just a brief twinge of excruciating pressure, but after that, a full 80% of our clients do not mention a sensation of pain or pressure at all. For the other 20%, buckle in, because that last push goes fast, but IS basically incompatible with life. And then we're done!

Q. I heard some heads pop like grapes.
A. Well that certainly is some colorful imagery, friend! Thank you for sharing your comment, which is not a question.

Q. Do some heads pop like grapes?
A. You mean, ever? Under any circumstances? Well, surely, they must.

Q. Do some heads pop like grapes when undergoing your mercury submersion treatment?
A. Oh. Yes.

Q. How would you personally be able to apply enough pressure to submerge a person in mercury? Density blah blah blah.
A. Great question! Here's my great answer:
1. Keep in mind that pressure applied here is different that pressure applied on Mercury. Once free of the Earth's tiresome gravitational pull, things become weightless, right? And density without weight is like a moose with a caterpillar army: weird and hard to figure. Of course, Mercury has its own gravitational pull, but the natives call it "Maize." That's right, children: maize. And yes, I can guarantee you that will be on the test. Maize, everyone. Maize...

Q: But aren't the mercury baths that you administer done here. on Earth, rendering everything you just said irrelevant?
A. Well, yes and no. Yes to the first part. But, no! Maize was not at all irrelevant in the lives of America's native peoples! You have to remember, we're talking about the period in time before the Pilgrims had arrived, with their turkeys, their bafflingly marshmellowed yams, and whatever appalling strumpet Uncle Ed was calling his girlfriend that year. So, in a word: maize.

Q. Given that the baths take place here on Earth, how can you possibly submerge someone in mercury, with its very high density?A. Oh, for goodness sakes! Look. Mercury is very dense, but it's not as if it's the densest thing on Earth -- I'm beginning to think YOU are. [CAROL: *sigh* Yes, please redact that personal attack. But know that there is going to be a serious review of the protocol by which you screen these questioners. I am NOT pleased at all with this current crop of maize-minimizing zealots. But we'll discuss it later.] *ahem*. Which is to say, that among the many, many materials which are known to be denser than mercury, one is -- What? No, not maize, you boron! Iridium! And as it happens, I'm one-quarter native Iridium, on my mom's side. I didn't mention it before, because I don't want to be treated any differently.

Are there any NON-mercury-related questions, at all...? Ah! Yes, you there: go ahead.

Q. I'm just trying to understand what the point of this profile is... Are you actually trying to date?
A. Ahh! I'm so glad you asked that! So, [THIS CONTENT HAS BEEN REDACTED]
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
BOOKS: it's not really a book. see? it's just a box, with a cutout for your bottle. see? hidden!

**BA-CHOMP!** ....hackhackhackhack....

MUSIC: anything involving an autotuned cat

FOOD: high-ash catfood; smelts; OPOSSUM L'ORANGE
The six things I could never do without
Cobra accessories (scratching post, sippy cup, etc)
Cobra playpen
Maybe a few more Cobras
Manual: Living With Cobras: Why You Should Not
NCA membership - 1 year
I spend a lot of time thinking about

"The entropy of an isolated system being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to spontaneously evolve toward thermodynamic equilibrium shall not be infringed."

I'm done thinking about it -- I just thought it deserved its own section.
On a typical Friday night I am
For some time now, I have been hosting a DesPotluck Dinner at my home on Fridays. It's like a Potluck Dinner, in that guests must bring their own food and drink, and must bring enough to serve the other guests. The fun twist here is that I rule with an Iron Fist! I mandate who attends and what they bring, and then I judge them harshly and capriciously. Oh, it's great fun! It is for me, I mean. Each guest must fend for themselves and for or against one another, as far as the fun goes. It's my party, after all, that's in power, isn't it?

Here are some of the vittles we've had at our events before. Not all at once, of course, since overfeeding is not in keeping with the theme, now, is it?

Ho Chi Mint Juleps
Dick Champagney
Red Wine (A. Pinochet Noir)
Mobutu Sesi Sekocoa
Hot Buttered Rumsfield
Francisco Francocoa

Chiang Kai-Chex Mix
Pol Potstickers
Crab Rangoonsquad
Napoleonion Bonapartee Dip
Slobodan Miloceviché
Pu Putin Platter
Kim Jong Unagi
Dictator Tots

Chili Kublai Khan Carné
Ho Chi Minhestrone
Idi Aminestrone
Bashark Fin Al-Assoup

Pumpernicolae Ceauscescoops
Papadam Docs
Kaiser Rollhelm II, mit ein mitout der sesameschteigens!

Condaleeza Rice
Baby Doc Choy (Seared)
Robert Mugabacon
RumsField Greens w Mubaricotta Cheese & Saudi Oil

Francisco Franco Beans
Josef Stalinguini con Ho Chi Minced Clams e Mussellinis
Fidelicious Castrogonoff
Papa Doc L'Orange (de Sanguine)
Attilla the Huneybaked Ham
Haile Selasseascallops

Henry Kissinginger Snaps
Bakvladimir Lenin
Ivan the Terriblintzes
Mao Ze Ding Dongs
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Quandoque meae felis scriptor spiraculum olet cattus cibum!!
-... -.-- / - .... . / - .. -- . / .-- . / --. --- - / .. -. - --- / - ..- .-.. ... .- / - --- .-- -. / .-- . / .... .- -.. / ---.. ..... / - .-. ..- -.-. -.- ... / .. -. / .- .-.. .-.. / -... ..- - / - .... . -.-- .----. ... / .- / .-. --- .- -.. -... .-.. --- -.-. -.- / ..- .--. / --- -. / - .... . / -.-. .-.. --- ...- . .-. .-.. . .- ..-. / .- -. -.. / - .... . -- / -... . .- .-. ... / .----. ... / .-- .- .-.. .-.. / - --- / .-- .- .-.. .-.. / -.-- . .- .... / - .... . -- / ... -- --- -.- . -.-- ... / .----. ... / - .... .. -.-. -.- / .- ... / -... ..- --. ... / --- -. / .- / -... ..- -- .--. . .-. / - .... . -.-- / . ...- . -. / .... .- -.. / .- / -... . .- .-. / .. -. / - .... . / .- .. .-. / .. / ... .- -.-- ... / -.-. .- .-.. .-.. .. -. .----. / .- .-.. .-.. / - .-. ..- -.-. -.- ... --..-- / - .... .. ... / .... . .-. . .----. ... / - .... . / -.. ..- -.-. -.- / .-- . / .- -... --- ..- - / - --- / --. --- / .- -....- .... ..- -. - .. -. .----. / -... . .- .-.

Possible sock racist?

I'm not a sock racist. I'm a sock anti-miscegenationist. I'm fine with different color socks, and I don't have a problem with them casually mingling in the sock drawer. But when it comes to pairing up, I'm quite strict:
You should message me if
I was recently diagnosed with COBRAPHOBOPHOBIA, and I'd be very interested in meeting others who share my fear of people who fear Cobras. I'm also open to meeting Cobras (obviously), Cobraphiles, and Cobra-mehs (those who feel neutral about Cobras). I am NOT ready, at this stage, to open my life to Cobraphobes, or Cobraphilophobes. Members of the following groups will be considered on a case by case basis: Cobraphilophilophobes, Cobraphobophilophobophiles, Cobraphilophilophilophobophiles. Thank you for your understanding.

Oh. And anyone who attempts to make any sort of "Copro"-based jokes to me will be summarily shanked in the liver with the sharpened end of a filthy prison toilet brush handle. And NOT in the good way...

- At this time, we are no longer accepting applications for "Partners in Crime." However, if you're interested in being a potential Victim of [THIS CONTENT HAS BEEN REDACTED]

- If you can provide me with a vat or drum of mercury.

**BA-CHOMP!** ....hackhackhackhack....

Dudes! What the hell with all the cadmium? For the second night in a row, I've had cadmium bullion stacked up on my porch. I mean... really? Cadmium? How gauche.