Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I was born in Antarctica, the firstborn spawn of a leprechaun and a
shoggoth. They mutually willed one another out of existence, and
left me to wander the blinding expanse alone.
It was there that a wandering monk found me some years later, fully
grown and stunted. I spoke no language and wore only a thin layer
of ice for clothing. The monk attempted nurse me to health by
making me drink from leathery, mouldering teats that it was
carrying around. The milk was foul: it smelled like ammonia and had
the texture of half-melted licorice.
Being sixteen and never having eaten previously, I assumed that
this was what all food tasted like. Disgust for your species took
root in the tangled web of gas-bladders that form my heart, even
though I now know that not all of your food is so sour and
Consider your next actions carefully, humankind. I am watching.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Refusing to recognize and accept order in the universe.
This is a far more important occupation than actually doing my job
as a computer programmer or working on relaxation. As a result, I
tend to write short stories
when I should be
If you tell my boss about that, I'm calling your mother
to tell her about that
thing you did with her, umm--you know.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
...whatever you're doing. Actually, I'm probably better at
Why don't you let me take over? I'm getting impatient.
Just--just stop looking over my shoulder. I'm not going to let you
Look, just stand over there. Out of the way. I can insult your
competence from anywhere, baby. Just make sure your eyes are on me.
When I turn to give you a cheesy wink, I expect you to be paying
attention. I also expect you to just melt.
Yeah. I'm really good at managing expectations.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My eyepatch, usually.
Sometimes, they notice my sheer, silken harem pants.
Either way, they be askin about me booty, the dirty scallywags
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
(a) books: From unearthly horrors to absurd satires, I think the
one thing that most of the books I've enjoyed have in common is
that they tend to take aspects of humanity and place them in a
(b) movies: I don't see enough of these, though I should note that
I am well equipped to enjoy the most terrible movies ever
(b.5) tv shows: Not having regular access to TV for six years and
being wholly disinterested in sports has made me an ace at turning
99% of all small talk into brainstorming sessions and insult
(c) music: All time favorites: Tom Waits
. If the lyrics are --
thoughtful without being overwrought; playful without being
obsessed with its own cleverness; and/or melancholy without
sounding hopeless -- I'll tend to be drawn to it.
(d) foods: tripe, sweetbreads, cheeseburgers, msg, lard, carp,
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
First, I'd like to note that one thing that I would prefer to do
without is lists. Especially lists of things. There's only one way
that binding an arbitrary group of items together is going to
motivate me, and that is if it brings forth --
2. Anger -- not your misdirected,
angsty-for-the-sake-of-being-angsty sort of anger. More the,
"hyperbole AND ad hominem? GRRRRAAAAGH! I SMASH YOUR TV AS WELL!"
or "Garrison Keillor is still a pretentious bag of d---? GIVE ME
MORE TERRY GROSS, RADIO!" So, basically, I'm talking that kind of
anger that is so superficial that you can't help but be aware that
If you don't get how that could work out to be a motivator, err,
hey, we've all got --
3. Problems -- I like 'em. Especially the kind that take just
enough critical thought that solving them is a joy. Sometimes I
like the sort of problems that require the kind of rapid
perspective shifting that makes inflexible tightasses dizzy. Right
now, I'm trying to work on my problem with shouting purely for
effect. As you can tell from the above, it's not going too
I'm also looking into the problem of reversing the decay of animal
matter, because of ...
4. My cuddly stuffed rat Bartholemew. Cross him, and he will erase
His powers are limited, however, and he can't give me back the time
I'm spending on this. Why, Barthole--
Oh, hell with it:
5. The ability to refuse to completely participate in this farcical
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
You! Oh, I'm always thinking about you! See how I left my sixth
thing blank? You are that thing!
Why don't you respond to my pathetic pleas for attention? By golly,
why can we not just skip this whole OKC thing and get married, like
granny wants us to?
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Knitting hats for starving orphans. Your funtastic Fridays with
their happy hours, dancing, dinners, and entertaining friends
disgust me, you hedonist pig.
How could you? The orphans--will--not--survive--not unless they eat
a fistful of yarn. You're damning them by living with neither guilt
I should think the above is perfectly reasonable and segues
very well into the
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Remember that time, a long time ago, when I was telling you about
that thing I spend a lot of time thinking about?
I--I'm having second thoughts. I've been thinking a lot about the
future since I wrote that, and I think maybe we need a little bit
of a break from eachother. I'm not even saying that I want to see
other people, I just need some time alone.
I know how this might sound, and I know that it might hurt a
little, but I just need to breathe a little before we take this any
further. I know it sounds a little corny and maybe somewhat
insincere, but just believe me when I say it: it's not you, it's
If you hate me now, I'll understand. I do hope that I can sort all
this out and talk to you soon.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You wish to compete in the telling of silly tales, the making of
absurd accusations, and/or the contrivance of ridiculous
That, or if you think you can get an honest answer out of me on any
subject at all.
Who are you looking for?
This helps us know who to show you on OkCupid.