SassBandit
29 Seattle, WA
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SassBandit
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My self-summary
DISCLAIMER: I AM FAT. IF THAT IS A DEALBREAKER THEN LOOK ELSEWHERE. I AM NOT TRYING TO PRETEND THAT I AM NOT FAT. I DO NOT LOVE MY FAT. I DO NOT GLAMOURIZE OR GLORIFY MY FATNESS. I hate my fat and am working very hard to get rid of it. I am NOT fat positive and I'm not one of those girls who is like "Yeah, fuck you, I'm hot! I love my curves! You can't handle me!" No. I am not "hot" because of my "curves"/fat. Absolutely nothing hot about that. I am "hot" for many other reasons... I am kind and caring. I am loyal and devoted. I am passionate. I am quick-witted and full of sass. I am dark and sarcastic. I am talented in many things. These are the things that make me "hot". I am not so deluded about my body to think that "Oh my god I am so fucking hot. I am a goddess and my body is just as wonderful as any other body. I have more to love and you should be grateful to even be graced by my presence." No. it is not my wretched body that makes me a goddess. I am so much more than the flesh bag that contains me.

On with the summary!

I'm a bad bitch. I'm a currently soon-to-be ex-fat chick that is a motherfucking goddess at any size because of everything else that I am... even fat-haters want me. I'm your fucking dream and I will likely remain just that, a fantasy.

I'm an artist, cook, writer, gamer, metalhead, girly-girl, hopeless romantic, domestic goddess, and a bit of a dork.

I can be a tad bit abrasive if you rub me the wrong way... like a porcupine.

I like to put googly eyes on things.

I make dick jokes. I make ass jokes. I turn everything into a sexual innuendo. If we have a close bond I WILL release my inner five year-old and giggle and call you out when you fart.

I censor myself very little. I like offensive jokes. They do not reflect my actual opinions. I think people need to lighten up and not take things so seriously.

I consider myself to be neither a democrat or a republican... I'm more of a middle of the road, libertarian sort of gal I suppose. I don't like to take a label because I'm not sure there is one that really fits me.

I'm an atheist and anti-religion but I will in no way stand in your way to practice yours because that is your right, just as it is my right to not practice and reject religion.

I strive to be a caring, loving, giving, completely devoted mate. I am a hopeless romantic. I am ridiculously devoted, loyal, and honest. My eyes do not wander and I do not stray.

I give a mean foot massage.

I sing my heart out even though I am terrible at it.

I like men who are a bit rough around the edges, even a bit possessive.
What I’m doing with my life
I currently am frequently back and forth from Seattle and the middle of nowhere in the mountains in Humboldt/Trinity County, CA, preparing for my permanent move to Seattle in the next few weeks.

I'm a former aspiring chef turned maid and jack-of-all-trades. College failed me and now I simply exist. I cook. I write. I clean.

I work as a maid and errand girl on a ranch way up in the mountains in Humboldt County, about an hour into the wilderness from anything remotely resembling civilization and about 2 hours from the nearest real town. I am completely isolated but it's better than being around all the tweakers.

As for cooking, it's one of my biggest passions, I am very good and I hope to cook every meal for my future boyfriend/husband.

My biggest passion though, is writing. I mostly write fiction, I have a series of novels I am working on currently and I am also a blogger.

I spend my free time writing, blogging, playing video games here and there, cooking, baking, cleaning, singing, planning, driving, late night booze binges, making lists.
I’m really good at
Cooking, baking, taking care of people.

Cleaning.

My mage and priest in World Of Warcraft are awesome... does that count? Yeah... thought not.

I write... I guess that's something. I do comic art. That's something else.

Giving head, but you'll probably never get to experience it.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: I read a shit ton of comics... EVERYTHING DEADPOOL!, Preacher (Garth Ennis), Hellboy (Mike Mignola), The Walking Dead (Robert Kirkman), V For Vendetta (Alan Moore), Watchmen (Alan Moore), Transmetropolitan (Warren Ellis) to name a few... Non-comics include Henry Miller, Anais Nin, Irvine Welsh, Chuck Palahniuk, Neal Stephenson, and many, many more.

Movies: Secretary (<3<3<3), Pan's Labyrinth, Heavenly Creatures, Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, The Little Mermaid, Tangled (I'm a sucker for Disney films, not gonna lie...), The Devil's Rejects, Blazing Saddles, Snowpiercer, bad movies with lots of brutal violence and gore...

TV: Archer, Breaking Bad, Doctor Who, Hell on Wheels, Sons of Anarchy, Battlestar Galactica, LOST, Fringe, Metalocalypse (Nathan Explosion would be my animated lover...), Venture Brothers, Tim and Eric, Rick and Morty. I recently started checking out Steven Universe because I was curious about all the hype and it's just bizarre... like what kind of drugs were they on and more importantly... where can I get some? I gotta say, I like it, but that whole fandom/fanbase can go die in a fire. Also, Once Upon A Time is a guilty pleasure...Once Upon A Time is METH.

Anime: Pretty much can't stand anime except for a few of the older classics Evangelion, Gundam (Wing and earlier...), Cowboy Bebop, Akira, Mononoke Hime, anything Matsumoto Leiji, Sailor Moon...

Music: I like metal...so much metal. D&B, Grindcore, lots of electronic... a little of everything, really. But my absolute top faves bands are not metal at all.... ABBA, Savage Garden/Darren Hayes, Lana Del Rey, and Florence and the Machine... BECAUSE I AM A FAG.

Apart from them...

Cannibal Corpse, Necrophagist, Morbid Angel, Obituary, Deicide, Slayer, Napalm Death, Black Dahlia Murder, Sepultura, Carnifex, Austrian Death Machine, Cradle of Filth, Cattle Decapitation, Within Temptation, After Forever, Epica, Dillinger Escape Plan, Danzig, Primus, Rings of Saturn, Napalm Death, Gojira, Ladytron, Miss Kittin, Covenant, Andrew WK, The Knife/Fever Ray, Electric Light Orchestra, VNV Nation, Mindless Self Indulgence, Akira Yamaoka, Mary Elizabeth McGlynn, Bear McCreary, Ween, Rammstein, KMFDM, Enigma, and a bunch more...

Games: FF7! FF8 (Yup. Haters gonna hate.), FF6/3, Parasite Eve, Parsite Eve 2, Silent Hill, Silent Hill 2, World of Warcraft, etc

Food: Abalone, uni nigiri (sea urchin gonads-om nom nom)—especially uni with raw quail egg, hokkigai nigiri (surf clam), ikura nigiri (salmon caviar), geoduck, tacos de buche (pork stomach tacos), tacos de sesos (beef brain tacos), caviar, mushrooms, ... However I eat pseuso-primal low-carb/high-fat, grain-free (except for the occasional treat) so I usually enjoy my favourite foods sashimi style (no rice) or in taco bowl form (no tortilla)... I rarely eat sweets/junk food but I have a soft spot for soft serve ice cream, real saltwater taffy (as in... It's salty), sour patch kids, and blended milk tea boba smoothies.
The six things I could never do without
- A working vehicle. I love driving... too much, probably.
- La Croix sparking water... I'm addicted.
- Sex... or at least a lot of self lovin'
- A working computer and an internet connection.
- Something to write with... either a pencil/pen and journal, laptop, desktop, etc.
- Music
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Writing, art, sex, nerdy things, cooking, work, my many projects, love, money, moving, my ideal life, quantum theory...

"Doesn't the cat count as an observer?"
"Nah, it's pretty dark in that box."
On a typical Friday night I am
Working, on call for work, or partying with my boss in shitty Cali.

Or being a loner at Mercury, probably getting chatted up by Ollie (get well soon, homie!)
You should message me if
I don't do male feminists or beta males (which pretty much go hand in hand. All male feminists are beta as fuck... but not all beta-males are feminists)... If that is you, move along.

Also, if the first message you send me is going to be about my weight, I probably won't respond. Because the best way to charm a girl is by saying "I love fat redheads." OR "I love me some porkers/fatties/whales/etc.", right? *swoon* NOT.

DO MESSAGE ME if you have similar interests and you aren't scared and/or completely disgusted by me... if you think we might click. Bonus if you are a metalhead.

Note that I am only looking for short term dating or friends. I will be moving to Seattle permanently in a few weeks and I am merely dipping my toes into the dating pool to test the waters since I will finally be in an area where nobody knows my name and there are more people than livestock and even the tweakers are friendly and the bums know what "no" means.

I don't do one night stands or random hookups so if the absolutely hilarious novelty of fucking a fat chick (one you could never keep up with, btw) is what you seek, move along.

Don't like my attitude? Don't care. Fuck off. Don't like my views? Don't care. Eat a dick. Think I'm a desperate ugly fat cunt who deserves to be harpooned like the worthless whale you think I am? Yeah, don't care, I'm sorry you are so insecure with yourself that you feel the need to put people down... especially ones that are far more fab than you.

Until next time.

-J
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