Well, where do we start? I grew up in a funeral parlor in Madison, Pennsylvania with my dad Harry and my best friend Thomas J. My mother died during child birth, something which I had always blamed myself for. One summer Thomas J was stung to death by bees while searching for my mood ring in the woods. I was having a hard time talking to my dad about my menstrual cycle and...

That's actually the plot of My Girl.

This internet dating thing gives me the heebie jeebies, but well, here I am.

I'm a 29 year old with a passion for dance that doesn't dance much. I'm self educated or uneducated if you're an asshole (as far as college, I've actually gotten a medical transcription certificate that I NEVER USE *sob*) I may be a plebeian but I can tell you useless trivia til' the bile rises in your throat.

I like making jokes about Fatty Arbuckle.

I have an essential tremor. My hands vibrate just ever so slightly all the time. If you meet me, I swear to god I'm not nervous or going through heroin withdrawals. I hate that name. Essential tremor. Gotta have this tremor! It's not like Parkinson shaky so stop feeling sorry for me.

I like to play the keyboards and draw little creepy pictures.

I have two cats that are so totally into me. If I keeled over dead, it would take them two days tops before they fed on my corpse.

I work as a medication aide/nurse's aide in a nursing home.
Depending on most's perception, that makes me a saint or a scumbag. I think I fall somewhere in the middle.

I also like to do charity work because I'm just that sort of person.
My charitable works include:

- Taking fashion photography of coma patients.
- Eating sandwiches in front of the homeless.
- Protesting feline abortions.
- Preaching Dianetics and handing out L. Ron's awful novels to strangers on the bus.
- Jumping on trampolines and squealing with delight in front people in wheel chairs.
- Violently shaking homosexual puppies til' they recant their sinful life choice.
- Donating my time and energy to needy couches.

I play keyboards and record music on my computer for no good reason that I can think of right now. I write jokes. We'll see how that works out.

Pogs. Love to play piano/synthesizers. I doodle. I likey video games too. I can do a really bad Jimmy Stewart impression. Taking care of old people (letting them off of their leashes, selling their arts and crafts in bulk, it puts the lotion on it's skin, etc.) Making jokes about taking care of old people.

My sense of humor. I'm kind of afraid of strangers (THEY MIGHT HAVE KNIVES!) so I'm quiet at first. The folks I instantly have a rapport with I would die for. I am super ghostly pale. Like Powder but I can't bend spoons with mind powers.

There'll be a few missing because in the time it took to write this I probably got into like seven more of each. Here we go.

Books - The Long Walk. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay. The Great Gatsby. Stranger in a Strange Land. Wicked. Anything by Mark Twain, Ambrose Bierce, Kurt Vonnegut, Flannery O' Connor or Sarah Vowel. Edward Albee plays. The Road. The Stand. Geek Love. The Onion. The Sataristas. Leaves of Grass. Anything about history.

Comic Books - Marvel comics. Books of Magic. Preacher. Lucifer. Top 10. Swamp Thing. The Sandman. 100 Bullets. Earth X. Eightball. American Splendor. Most Batman (anything with the joker. Best villain ever. Should get his own regular series.) Maus. David Boring. The Goon.

TV - Deadwood. Nurse Jackie. The Wire. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Six Feet Under. Delocated. Wonder Showzen. Home Movies. The Shield. True Blood. Curb Your Enthusiasm. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Louie. Seinfeld. Twin Peaks. The Larry Sanders Show. Dexter. Modern Family. Pushing Daisies. Fringe. Eagleheart. Battlestar Galactica. The League. Community. 30 Rock. The Office. Parks and Recreation. Breaking Bad. The Walking Dead. Jersey Shore. Trailer Park Boys.

Movies - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Barton Fink. Dawn of the Dead (70's Romero. Fast zombies blow.) 28 Days Later (With this movie as an exception.) Marjoe. Happiness. Royal Tenenbaums. No Country for Old Men. Winnebago Man. The Social Network. Ken Burns docs. Maysles Brothers docs. Christopher Guest (Spinal Tap, Best in Show, A Mighty Wind, etc.) Wet Hot American Summer. Black Dynamite. Best Worst Movie/Troll 2. Superbad. Funny People. Some Kind of Wonderful. The Devil and Daniel Johnston. The Warriors. The Last Picture Show. The Aristocrats. I Heart the Huckabees.

Podcasts - Comedy Death Ray. Jordan, Jesse, Go! WTF. The Pod F Tompcast. Hardcore History with Dan Carlin. This American Life. RISK! Stuff You Missed in History Class. A.V. Talk. PRI: The Sound of Young America. Talk Radar. The Memory Palace.

Music - Brian Eno. Kathleen Edwards. Frightened Rabbit. The Clash. Joanna Newsom. Iron and Wine. Rilo Kiley. Harry Nilsson. Bon Iver. Judee Sill. Robyn. Freddie Gibbs. M83. The Beatles. Beach House. Azure Ray. Sufjan Stevens. Simon and Garfunkel. Neko Case. Goldfrapp. The Smiths. Fleet Foxes. Cut Copy. Deerhunter. Grizzly Bear. Osker. Aimee Mann. Santogold. Band of Horses. Passion Pit. The Cure. Air. Belle and Sebastian. Arcade Fire. Wilson Pickett. Jeff Hanson. Sinead O' Connor. The Postal Service. Sun Kil Moon. Built to Spill. Sarah Blasko. Death Vessel. School of Seven Bells. Bjork.

Food - Love it all. Except for those fucking pancakes.

Pets
Books
Serialized television
Jokes
Pianos/Keyboards
Lungs

Zombies.
Futility of Meaning.
Ideas for jokes/sketches.
Apocalyptic scenarios.
Boobies.
History.
Clowns having sex.

Ideally? Out playing drunken pinball at some bar, catching a good stand up comedy show, or dancing like an idiot.

Typically? Hiding at home, reading weird shit about history (Fuck his theorum, Pythagoras hated beans with a passion!) or watching something awesome, like Becker. Just kidding.

Nobody watches Becker.

I have very little body hair. The hair on my arms is as invisible as the Hollow Man. Without Kevin Bacon's invisiwiener.

I like funny girls and comedy nerds alot. Nerdy girls in general are awesome, especially if they read comic books. Also, cursing. I loves me some profanity. I'm curious if there's somebody on here who is 90 to 100% my enemy. If we met, would we have to destroy each other? Love realists. Not so much idealists.