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19 M Springfield, VA

My Details

Last Online
Apr 15
5′ 7″ (1.70m)
Body Type
Mostly anything
Atheism, and laughing about it
Virgo, but it doesn’t matter
Graduated from high school
Less than $20,000
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Mostly monogamous
Doesn’t have kids
Has dogs and likes cats
English (Fluently), Japanese (Poorly), Hebrew (Poorly)

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My self-summary
Yet another update: If you're on here looking for a relationship, yet still manage to dish out "Sorry I'm busy" to people every other day, then figure your shit out before you go on a dating site. Seriously. IF YOU DON'T HAVE TIME FOR A RELATIONSHIP, DON'T LOOK FOR ONE.
Why? Because all you do is become a lost cause to chase after, and that is infuriating to EVERYONE. Sorry, but this is reality. If you can't make time for other people, they can't magically make you more time so you can see them either.

Another update: If you really think Tumblr brand feminism is helping men or working for equality, move along please. I will gladly educate you if you ask, but it has done enough damage. As such I associate myself with egalitarianism instead, a non-specific equal rights movement.

I actually cringed a little re-reading this profile.
So what I previously had here was a bunch of boring crap about how I'm a gamer and...yeah, welcome to EVERY TEENAGER EVER.
You're not here to find out boring things about me, you're here to get a glimpse of my personality. OH, BY THE WAY. If you're not going to put in the effort to keep up a conversation with me, you're going to judge me based on your own personal values, or you're going to be wishy-washy and not have time to meet in person, you can take your leave.

Addendum/extrapolation/UPDATE: For one, never, EVER expect me to chase after you. I'm done chasing after people and playing stupid head games. Two, I talk about sex, a lot, mainly because I VERY strongly advocate for gender equality on all levels. TALKING ABOUT SEX DOES NOT EQUATE TO WANTING IT, GET OVER YOURSELF. If you aren't comfortable enough to openly discuss the topic, or automatically assume any guy who DOES discuss it wants to get his dick wet, grow up, or leave.

"Insert generic try-too-hard-to-be-funny question here"
ಠ_ಠ Yeah I know you people are out there. It's not funny. The door is marked with a large "x" in the right upper corner of most browsers.

"All I see here is a bunch of sarcasm and cursing."
Welcome to the internet, where everyone is an asshole and OP is always a faggot.

Look. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm a nice guy. But I'm also very straightforward, vulgar, and also don't hold back in my sense of humor. I try to make fun of everyone equally.

Yet, defying all stupefying odds, people seem to really enjoy my company. I don't always enjoy theirs, but that's life. You build a bridge, get the hell over it, and move on.

I don't care if you're white, black, gay, straight, Muslim, Jewish, Atheist, dog, cat, lamp or tuba. Well, maybe the lamp and the tuba. But I won't get into that.

Yes, I will make cliche style jokes like that often. Yes, you will probably get tired of it. If you don't...I'm too lazy to think of a good way to finish this sentence.

Also, damn. You *Test Subject three-hundred and forty-eight* have done well to read this far. Congratulations. You aren't a drooling mongoloid.

However, I'm not done yet, if you somehow actually are intrigued enough to keep reading.
Yes, obviously I'm a gamer. Want to know what I've played? Great, I'll PRECARIOUSLY LIST EVERY GAME I'VE PLAYED HERE BECAUSE THAT'S CONVENIENT.
Nothing against people who do, but why would we want to know that when we can just be talking and I make a Fallout reference, and then you suddenly get it and are all like, "Whoa you play Fallout as well? I love Fallout!". Then we have this totally freaking awesome conversation about all the things we liked or didn't like and discover each other in a way that's not totally bland and boring. "Oh you're profile says you like Fallout. I do too. I really like how they implemented the V.A.T.S. system to try and retain the turn-based feeling of the originals."
"Yeah, that was pretty cool."


Seriously though. I've also been told that I can be incredibly mature, and I do in fact tend to blow people away when I need to be serious about something. I love to be, or try to be, funny, but when I care about something, or someone, I'm a totally different person. I'm a great listener, and fantastic at giving advice. Not taking my own advice though, of course, because who does THAT shit?

And if you made it this far, hey! I'm Zach, and the fact that you read all this without wanting to punch my face in means that you are not only weird by all considerable means, but also...Well, actually, no, you're just weird. However, definitely message me. I mean seriously, you read all this shit. Might as well put it to use.
What I’m doing with my life
Existing. Or not. I would pull out the whole "I think, therefore I am", but let's be honest, we don't truly understand consciousness. Hell, we're not even close. We talk about all these-
Shit I forgot, this is about what I'm doing. Uh, considering going back to college again. Being bad at life. Putting job applications to places I'm not sure I would actually want to work at. You know. Things you do between the ages of 18-30.
I’m really good at
I write, guys.
I'm good at video games. Good. Not amazing.
I'm good at being me. In fact, I'm the damn best at it. So when you hang out with people, you can be all like "Did you know this guy right here, this guys is the- no stop I'm talking- this guys is the BEST at being himself".
They'll totally think you're trying to boost my confidence in the most cheesy way imaginable, but you'd definitely make the highlight of both me and that random stranger.
The first things people usually notice about me
I HAVE A LOT OF HAIR. Yes, it is soft. Yes, at this point I'm used to people touching it. Not that people ever ask, but it's fine.
Also, yes. I have incredibly beautiful eyes. Not trying to oversell here, people have basically forced me into this realization. Insert line graph graph of non-existent units of money that I would theoretically have if compliments on my eyes cashed in as US Dollars. (I'm still working on this. Apparently optical organs are not yet registered as an internationally accepted currency, yet dogecoin is?)
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Okay. So this used to be very populated with lists. But I'm going to change that up a little. I'm going to do exactly what it asks. One of each thing. Then genres. That way, still plenty to discover, but a good path to start with.

Books? My favorite book of all time would have to be Pet Cemetary. It was brilliant. The way Stephen King writes, even when he isn't doing horror, can even make everyday life compelling. Obviously I am a fan of works of horror, but also enjoy science fiction and some fantasy novels.

Movies. This..this was a tough one from the start. I would certainly have to say Pacific Rim though. Why? Because they blatantly took cliche ideas, and said "Fuck you, we're gonna make this a good movie, because there aren't enough original ideas left in the world, and those that do become b-movie horrors."
It looked awesome, the actors were good, and it had Ellen McLain as the Gypsy Danger AI. Obviously I'm into the same type of movies as I am books.

Doctor Who.
What? You require more? Please. Don't even. Yes. The fanbase is full of 11 year old turds running around screaming "Geronimo" and circlejerking to fez's. Yes, I'm a Tennant elitist but I still like Matt Smith as well as the others.

Music. This was easily the most difficult. My favorite band has to be Panic! At the Disco though.
"But only girls like Pan-"
Yeah well you should have been aborted. P!ATD puts so much heart into their songs, and honestly, the lyrics are goddamn brilliant if you really listen. Every song is a totally different but amazing statement on society, people, politics, or another important subject that can really touch people. Either that or they're just the catchiest goddamn songs ever. Still number one. Genre-wise, I'm incredibly varying. While I enjoy plenty of punk, alternative, and rock, I also can't resist good techno(NOT DUBSTEP), classic rock, ska, toe-tappin' swing music (Yes, I can swing dance, but I'm rusty), and Doo-Wop. That's just the tip of the iceberg. I really listen to whatever I hear and enjoy.
NO. Because dubstep shouldn't even BE a genre. There are good "Dubstep" songs, yes. But for one, most are bad, and secondly, the genre should be called "Remixes". Or just file them all back into the already existing genre of "Dub". Because dubstep is mainly sad, sad people trying to use other people's work to make money and not even giving it an effort. They have a genre for that too. It's called "Useless".
I understand people get up in arms about this, and if you want to consider Dubstep a genre, be my guest, that's your personal belief. But it'll be something we have to agree to disagree on.

Oh yeah, I'm supposed to talk about food. Well, in theoretical universe B, the best scenario would be if subject B1 (Likely your counterpart in this universe), were to invite/be invited to a place containing Italian food, as the Italians are complete geniuses of preparing the edible to be even more edible. However, to be completely honest, I can't stand getting all dressed up and fancy usually. So presenting the previous situation as an actual date would not....."B"....a good idea.
I'm very sorry. I'll understand if you leave now, but it was too bad of a joke to not put in there.
The six things I could never do without
WELL. This question is obviously worded to sort people out. Because it places the people who think that "Oxygen, food, etc" and basic survival needs being used to subvert the actual purpose of the question is hilarious and original in one pile. Yes, I think that may have been a run-on sentence. Hush. You'll live.

Then it places the rest of us in the other pile.
Here goes:
Computer. Self explanatory. A computer and an internet connection go hand in hand here, so I'll make them one item.
A phone. Because when the computer doesn't work, what do? Use the mini-computer.
A bed. "But you need beds to surv-" Fuck you, no you don't. You could sleep on the floor. But a bed is much more than that. A bed is safety. A bed is familiarity. A bed is a constant in a world of consistently changing variables. It's also a comfy place to rest, no matter what time of day, and it's easy to spell.
Cargo pants. On the remarkable days during which I decide to exit the relative are of my house, I carry a lot of things. Cargo pants have a lot of pockets. This allows me to distribute my items through the many pockets based on whichever system I so choose. Or just....put them in whichever.
Sweatpants. Because when you aren't wearing cargo pants, these are pretty much the best thing ever.
Headphones. Almost forgot about that. Classic.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Well, that's too vague a question to answer WELL, but the future, and how I'm going to manage handling whatever it throws at me. However I do have a firm belief that my face has become very good at catching most of those obstacles. My hands are doing a half-ass job though.
On a typical Friday night I am
On Reddit. Maybe 4chan.
Pretty simple.
What? Just because the former have paragraphs doesn't mean they all have to.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Is that there is a lot more to me than this, and if you really think you can deal with me or actually enjoy me, you should absolutely ask. I'll give you an honest answer.
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 18–25
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex
You should message me if
Wow. You. You and I have come a long way. It's been rough my friend. We had our ups and downs. Do you still have that letter I had you write at- FUCK I FORGOT THAT PART DIDN'T I? Oh damnit. I was going to do the whole "Write down what you would like to tell your future self" thing and it was going to be all emotional. Hm. Well let's face it, if you've read all the way here, you have no choice but to message me, so give it your all, don't have second thought, and be honest. If you don't agree with me on something, that's fine, I'd love to hear your opinion! We learn through argument, and that is how we become better and more understanding people.
You could also call me a faggot if you really wanted to make me smile, but it's not required. I mean, I am technically OP here though. So it's unavoidable.
So, now that you're finally here, what are you going to write? Hm? Don't look at me, christ, the text box is down there! Except I can't make a proper arrow here. So just imagine one for me. I'll use my magic powers of verbosity and inactivity to help you.
Good luck~

Sub-clause/amendment/UPDATE: Don't take forever coming up with something witty to say, you don't have to. If you do that's nice, and I'm flattered you took the effort, but you really don't need to impress me or anything. Anyone willing to step up and say something is worth my time, and will receive a polite and timely response. Don't sweat the details.

Oh look I have a tumblr. What? Shameless self promotion? Well fuck you too.