So you clicked on my photo and here we are...evaluating what I “claim to be”. Boy, that escalated quickly. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm already divulging so much about me and my grammar and I haven’t even seen your face! Unless I messaged you and you’re brave enough to read into this linguistic adventure of a profile. Let’s be “real” (cause according to many profiles, that’s what people are looking for?), you looked at my pics first and you were like “okay...not bad...That one pic kind of makes him look serial killer... why am I using ellipsis in my head?“. Inceptioned? Most definitely. I bet you've said “ellipsis” in your head today more than any other time in your life. At least you got something out of this brief, one way interaction.
So how is your search going so far? How many shirtless pictures and messages with terrible spelling, horrible grammar, and over-all lack of respect have you sorted through? I know I've gone through my fair share, which is weird, because I put straight? Jk...kinda...but not really...one time... I don’t like talking about it. It triggers my 'ellipsis turrets syndrome'. In any case, don’t give up! It’s taking Ted Mosby an ungodly 9 season’s to meet his significant other, I guess we can’t complain.
It’s strange when you think about it. Our ancestors met their SO’s through much more traditional, albeit, limited means. Yet here we are browsing thousands of profiles and having a hard time finding someone who doesn't look like they want to chop us up into pieces. You probably remember that “one guy” or profile that made you reconsider on-line dating. “We went on a date and then he asked me if I wanted to see his hand collection! WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!”, weird, right? Or maybe you’re too hasty in judging a passion that, while creepy on the surface, is actually a harmless hobby that provides amputees with a way to enjoy life again! Who are we kidding? That dude was totally a serial killer. Dodged a bullet there, am I right? No pun intended.
Is it weird that I'm drinking coffee as I'm typing this? It’s kind of like we’re on a one way coffee date. Not weird? Okay, good... *sip*
I know this section is used for describing one’s self – but can you really decide if you’ll like someone based off of what they claim? I mean, even if we have everything in common, subtle mannerisms and uncontrollable flatulence can ruin things pretty quickly. This is not based off of true events, although, I've never taken a date to McDonalds either.
What’s with the questions on this site and why are they even remotely important?
“In a certain light, wouldn't nuclear war be exciting?” – What in the actual fuck? Why would an answer to this question determine whether or not I want to see someone? Will my potential SO suddenly posses the power to start a nuclear war and will I need to be ready to step up to the plate and stop them if they said yes? What if we both answer “yes” to this question? Are we put on a “don’t allow these 2 access to nuclear weapons at the same time” list. I’d rather have a question like “do you have a hand collection?”
"So what is a funny and devilishly handsome man such as yourself, doing on OkCupid" - My Mom
Well - I suppose I don't want to end up dating my operating system in 15 years due to not meeting anyone because of my busy schedule. If you haven't seen the movie "Her", I wouldn't suggest it. Not because it's bad, but because it's pretty depressing. If you are going to watch it, bring a bowl of ice-cream, some tissues, snorkel, icepick, folding chair, exotic animal, McGuyver, tin foil, and a chandelier. I know, I lost you at "tin foil". But to be fair, I had you at "flatulence".
Anyways – if you smiled or laughed at all during this spiel, I think we should chat.
“But Chris, I barely know you! You didn't tell me anything!” and I would say “how did you know my name?!”
I guess I should mention a little of what I'm looking for. I mean, naturally you'd think everyone is looking for a long term relationship (or looking to meet friends). However, some of the messages I've received would prove otherwise - and we're talking some weird ends of the spectrum. No, I don't want to join in on your Lord of The Rings Midget Porn shoot - Part 2, The Return Of The Cock Ring. To be perfectly honest, Part 1, Two Hobbits, One King was enough for me.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is - a long term relationship. I can't help 2+ million years of genetic programming that urges me to establish a normal relationship. I've let all you polyamorous (or sneaky fake monogamous) people down.
You know what really grinds my gears? Why do people answer "passion" over "dedication" for what is more important in a relationship?! Of course there should be a physical attraction and a burning in your loins for the other person (hopefully not due to herpes) but DEDICATION makes it lasts through the years! An everlasting (gob-stopper?) commitment to one another that is not predicated on physical assets. I've found that successful relationships come to fruition when your SO's happiness is more important than your own. In fact, I'd be so bold to say that your happiness is dependent on theirs and vice versa. You don't get there from, as my black brethren would say, "tapping dat ass". You get there from a more deep and meaningful connection (which you can't get from Rogers or Bell) that exceeds materialistic and artificial desires. Dedication is what gets you up early to make your SO chocolate chip banana pancakes in bed - not passion. Unless you're really passionate about chocolate chip banana pancakes..weird...and oddly specific...