So internet dating eh? Now I know what you’re thinking; oh great another weirdo is going to try and coerce me back to his sodomy lair. Well you have the wrong idea entirely, first of all it’s more of a fortress and secondly I’ve already got a lot of furniture around here and I’m just not sure where I would put you.

Besides I use semi-colons, how bad can I be?

I enjoy sarcasm and witty banter, so if you’re the kind of girl who enjoys a little playful abuse a gold star for you. If you’re the kind of girl who likes to be whipped with an extension cord while someone shouts demeaning slurs at you then you are a dirty hussy and receive two gold stars.

I’ve read enough profiles to know what you ladies expect in return. MAXIMUM TALLNESS. That’s why I have spent hours studying footage of the majestic south African giraffe. I assure you I will be able to provide that canopy level foliage you so badly desire.

Also bonus points if you enjoy 4chan, internet memes, cinema snobbery or board games.

So take my hand and together we shall we ride off into a facetious sunset and if you’re good we’ll stop for icecream on the way :D