and post-infant children can be cool. a few of them.
but all the below is still mostly true.
my written profile was outdated: apparently i rarely drank and used to care.
i believe in harold lloyd, david lynch, james joyce, and anything that will make me sound intelligent or erudite. i am vegan. if you eat meat or oppress cows and chickens by consuming their body products, you are going to hell, but that really doesn't bother me. go ahead and eat it. right there in front of me. doesn't phase me. i mainly care that you talk like one of the gilmore girls (or maybe a lot less but just as intelligently) and are totally cute and waifish and have nice little breasts and don't wear a bra and like to cuddle and touch me a lot and be touched and don't like TV and read good books and are a total exhibitionist all the time and can have a good laugh over a misplaced semicolon. you would be a total goddess in my book then - i might even sacrifice meat TO you.
children are a catastrophe, a calamity, a dead end - ignorance charading as wonderment. there is more value in one well-wielded semicolon than in the dearest child (Luke 12:6-7). my epitaph will read THE FAMILY NAME ENDED HERE.
i am a nurse. people say that i'm a caring nurse. but i'm not a nurse because i care. i'm a nurse because i like working only three nights a week and because i can go wherever i want and not have to worry about having a job and not have to sit in a damn cubicle for the rest of my life. unfortunately, men's scrubs are poorly tailored, so i am unable to show off my beautiful ass, which is a shame for both me and my patients.
sometimes violence is fun, especially when directed against a close friend who is talking during a movie.
i like artists. a lot. i like jewish women. a lot. but i like gentiles too. a few of them. a lot. and i like tarot cards and skepticism and good art and rufus wainwright and sufjan stevens and i think mid-career roger waters is inspired by the lord god up above.
i don't believe in god. i was raised baptist, and that shit is just wrong. i do believe in my own brilliant Minimum Wage Theory: if god exists, the one that is reponsible for earth is - on a galactic or celestial scale - the minimum wage worker of gods. some planets might get Someone diligent or brilliant or caring, but our god is sort of like a janitor that doesn't get paid shit and takes long breaks and doesn't care if there's a dollop of excrement on the stall wall for a couple weeks (seen personally by me) that someone might rub against. he's not necessarily mean, he's just tired. basically i'm an athiest, but i like to be polite, so i'll call myself an agnostic, or maybe even 'spiritual'. that way you can take me home to mom.
i have about three hundred forty college credits - no exaggeration - and not one of them is at the graduate level. this means i am not a great planner. i have a minor in music, and majors in accounting, english, dance, and nursing. don't ever major in accounting, that shit is boring, and you won't want a job in it once you get your degree. trust me.
i also spent nine months in portland, oregon back in the 90s studying massage. i used to never say this because it would sound like i am trying to act like i'm all sexy and good with my hands, and would just make me sound sleazy. but then i realized...i AM sleazy. plus in austin every other male has been to massage school so who the fuck cares where i've been? but i point this out to say that even though i've forgotten the most of it, i am a VERY touchy person once i get comfortable with you, and if i like you a lot you will touched and have your back scratched or whatever all the time. you may not be the type of person that likes that, in which case you are probably normal, but very sick and should go to therapy. i myself will melt should you poke me with a finger or simply fling a shoe at me. any sort of physical contact is heaven for me.
i think life has been misconstrued.
i said earlier that you should be able to laugh about semicolons. also very important is that you laugh about extraneous commas and peculiarly placed apostrophes. that shit is funny. you should also worship william s. vollmann, who created the perioddash and the semicolondash.
what the fuck is a baseball cap? why are you wearing it? who invented it? wtf? why?
i am a leo, but only with the good parts. i have a twenty-page hyperaccurate astrological analysis that someone sent me and i will be happy to send it to you. you will probably read it over and over and be mesmerized by your fantasies of spending time with such a wonderful caring hilarious attentionseeking selfish person. feel free to use someone else's photo with your fantasy, as it will probably make the experience more complete. i never wanted to date you anyway.
i've done some ballroom dancing. i miss it. i like doing creative things, which is partly why i went into nursing, so i wouldn't have to try to do the gotojobbecreativegotojobbecreative nightmare which it turns out is possible only if you are franz kafka and are writing about monster cockroach people.
as far as oral hygiene goes, i should warn you that i use a tongue scraper. this is really gross while i'm using it. fortunately i always use it behind a closed door, so you don't need to worry about it a WHOLE lot.
people i have met from online dating sites have generally said that i am better-looking than my pictures. which is good, because my pictures make me look like ichabod crane a couple nights before the flaming pumpkin head thing. people also think i am many years younger than i am. i would like to say this is because i don't look all wrinkly and overweight and bald and stuff, but i think it's actually because my behavior is very immature.
i may have overstressed the lust for grammar; if you are not a grammar maven, don't think i don't love you. you may have compensating factors, such as rage, which is exactly the same thing anyway.
i would say that i like fishing, but it would not be true. i think it is boring, and the one time in my life when i caught a fish - i believe i was eight - i kept it in a bag of water on the way home, trying to keep it alive, with a sick feeling in my stomach - and then my mother prepared it and put it in front of me and i cried and i cried. the car we drove in was a huge yellow 'rebel' station wagon. i have not personally ever owned a yellow car, but i have had many rides in one.
if you are pretentious and a snob and are unashamed, we have three things in common, and three out of four ain't bad.
i can type faster than you.
I am tired, nihilistic, and -----