I'm sorry, I couldn't write that with a straight face.
None of those things are true. Well, I take that back, my name is Ryan. Try as I might, I've yet to come up with a description of myself that doesn't make me sound like a complete asshole. We're off to a bad start.
I have a very dry/dark sense of humor. "What does that mean?" you ask. I'll give you an example: for Halloween, my friend and I are planning on dressing up our cat as an airplane and ourselves up as buildings and going as 9/11. We are awful people.
If that made you really uncomfortable, we probably won't make good friends.
I'm a nice guy, I swear. I was actually told by the last girl I was with, "You're the nicest guy I've ever been with." So there's that.
I think I'm a pretty solid boyfriend. Like if I really like you, there's no stopping me from just doing nice shit for you all the time. It's like a nervous tick, I swear. I may not be the perfect boyfriend but I truly will put in an effort. Put me to the test and I will try harder than any son of a bitch out there. Test me.
My love language is physical touch. If you're not into cuddling then GTFO. It's hard to write a sentence that simultaneously makes you sound like a pussy and an asshole, but there you go. No but seriously, scratch my back and I'll melt like butter. I'm basically a dog.
I really don't have an ego. I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone. I'm not interested in the whole "who can fuck the most chicks, drive the biggest truck and eat the most hot wings" contest that every guy seems so enthralled with. Frankly, I could give a shit about being the alpha male. Speaking of which, since I'm not the type-A personality, I usually prefer women who can take charge. I think every relationship needs a dominant and submissive party and I usually tend towards the latter. To me, there's nothing sexier than a woman who knows what she wants and will take it. So if you're like a badass chick who gets in fights and could probably kick my ass, please, take me now.
If you message me, all of your wildest dreams will come true.
^^A million bonus points if you can name that movie.