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44 F London, United Kingdom

My Details

Last Online
Yesterday – 10:00pm
5′ 11″ (1.80m)
Body Type
Dropped out of space camp
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t want any
Has dogs and likes cats

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Alright I've tried the thought out, carefully written profile and that has gotten me nowhere since very few people read it. They look at the pictures and decide whether or not the person in them is someone they'd have sex with or I am scrapping it.

For the record, I am not from the UK, but I was in England for two weeks recently and encountered people who, while polite, were not friendly. At all. The Scottish are friendly. The Irish are friendly. The Welsh are friendly (well sometimes). But Jesus H. Christ, the English acted as if they could barely tolerate anyone who isn't English from breathing the same air. We have a name for that. Douchebaggery. And if you are in the UK reading this and you drive an Audi, you should just die right now of festering boils- especially if you drive on the M4 in the right lane.

I'm a middle aged woman who spends a lot of time with her dogs, hates working out and refuses to do all that running bullshit you people seem to get off on. If you are speaking in code by saying "I live an active life style and I watch what I eat" so that you won't attract fat chicks to your profile- just have the stones to come out and say that you only want someone as self obsessed with her body as you are.

You can "lower your standards" later when shin splints and back pain keep you from running and the anti-inflammatory drugs make you puffy and bloated.

Or maybe you'll get ass cancer and just be happy someone is around when you die.

I don't eat sushi because it makes me want to vomit, I have not been to Japan, and I don't have a frigging picture of me in front of machu picchu because that place is practically in the third world and swarming with smug white douchebags who go so they can brag about it to people at the local wine bar near their converted warehouse/loft in some gentrified/former shithole neighborhood in Baltimore city.

Seriously, if you live in Federal Hill, Canton, or Fells Point, you're an asshole.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I'm not living my life to the fullest, I'm not working hard and playing hard (what does that even frigging mean?) and I'm not down to earth or laid back. That's just a bullshit way of saying you have no personality or interests beyond football and beer.

Don't get me started on "craft beer." It's beer. It doesn't have "notes of nutmeg" or "a smoky character" to it. It tastes like beer which means is tastes like goblin cum
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
...making fun of lame profile clichés about how "I'm looking for my partner in crime" and "I'm not a player and I'm not into head games."
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I have a lot of emotional baggage. I know, you are looking for someone who is drama and baggage free right? Well good luck with that. Try buying one of those creepy looking sex dolls because they are the closest thing to a baggage free woman that you'll find. And, her boobs won't ever sag, you can screw her without all the emotional crap and you won't have to text her the next day to tell her you're "too busy with work to really start something right now." Win - win.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Oh fuck this section. No one gives a shit what my interests are. You've probably put some lame crap on here about liking Tom Clancy...or if you are trying to sound literary, you put Bukowski. Guys always put Bukowski when they are trying to sound well read and edgy.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
I am supposed to put some lame bullshit about how I can't do without love or air or my iphone. If you have an iphone, you're automatically a bad person and you don't deserve to ever find anyone to love. Apple sucks.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Nothing. I'm an empty vessel. Please fill me with all your hopes and dreams.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
I usually hit the local Golden Corral and befoul the chocolate waterfall by holding peel and eat shrimp under it until someone complains and the manager comes over. Then I make a scene because that one kid is always there sticking his fucking hands in it and no one seems to mind because he's little but he sticks his hands down his pants so I'd rather have chocolate sauce that is a bit shrimpy tasting instead of like some little kid's crotch, but no one listens to me so I get thrown out.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
The usual lame ass response is "LOL If I said what it was it wouldn't be private would it??? LOL!!!" If you wrote something like that, just stab yourself in the face right now.
I’m looking for
  • Everybody
  • Ages 20–99
  • Located anywhere
  • For long-term dating
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You are loaded, lonely, and close to death.

You are some young 20 something asshole who can't use complete sentences and assumes that all women in their 40s are so desperate for your sad penis that we will jump at the chance to boink you. Most likely all the porn you've been watching for the last 12 years has caused you to have ED. Instead of messaging us, do this instead. I enjoy making fun of your messages and your awful bathroom iphone selfies.

On second thought, don't message me. You most likely suck.