Have you recently ingested poison? Then, hurry, read the rest of this OKCupid dot com dating profile to induce vomiting!

If I could describe myself in three words, that would fucking suck because then I'd be simple enough to describe in three fucking words. Jesus Christ I'd like to think it'd take at least 70 words to describe me. I mean, sure, if you wanted to boil me down to my bare essence like some sort of fucked-up mammalian lobster in a pot I guess you could say the three words that best describe me are: INCREDIBLY STRONG ANUS because I do a lot of kegel exercises and I don't play around on my squats but really that just seems like bragging and there really is more to me than my freakish anus strength that can grab your finger like a Chinese finger trap and snap it in half like a twig because why the fuck are you putting a finger in my ass in the first place? You can't just go around putting your finger in people's asses and not expect consequences, dude.

Anyway, I have all sorts of other traits and characteristics and opinions that probably only tangentially involve my anus strength, if at all, so just take my word for it when I say I'm a very well-rounded individual.

I'm wasting it writing an online dating profile at the moment but that's okay because there is no god and the universe doesn't care about us and there is no purpose and eventually the sun will explode or something, so honestly I guess it doesn't matter what career I choose or how strong my anal muscles are in the long run or whether I am "wasting" my time owing to the impermanence of life and the illusory nature of identity, and THAT is why I'm peeing on the side of your cruiser, officer.

I currently work in publishing but don't mistake me for one of these "grammar nazi" types. I fucking hate grammar Hitler and I'm perfectly fine with people who use "which" in a non-restrictive relative clause. Language is continually evolving and its evolution is guided by how people actually speak and write, not by the outmoded conventions of copyeditors desperately seeking lame rules to impose in order to justify marking up a text with a lot of bullshit corrections that don't affect comprehensibility one iota. There's probably some secret cabal of copyeditor lords burning an effigy of me and slicing open their palms and squeezing their blood into a sacred chalice while chanting my name right now to curse me but whatever. I'm all for clarifying a confusing or misleading sentence but let's not stick to worthless conventions just for the convention's sake. I'm a descriptivist for life and all y'all prescriptivist fools thinkin the most trivial & obsessively obscure grammatical "rules" (which were just invented whole-cloth by some dude) need to be enforced with iron-fisted mockery make me want to throw puke at a baby. Plus if y'all can't see that your mockery of what you regard as "poor grammar" ISN'T thinly veiled classism/ageism/racism, well then you're a dang idiot. Think about it, you'll criticize ebonics or chatspeak on the basis that it is "difficult to understand" because it is spoken by young people/people of color/poor people, but even though you also find scientific or academic jargon "difficult to understand" y'all fools won't criticize that - and it's precisely because you see as "elite" the ingroup ways of writing and speaking of academics and scientists, whereas the ingroup ways of articulation of teens and people of color are seen as "non-elite" and hence open to criticism, and therefore your grammar nit-pickery is a bunch of classist, racist bullshit... but I guess u can't hear me tho.

Other than that all I do is read, write, say fucked up shit on Twitter, pet my dogs, and stand on the ledges of buildings and contemplate suicide before being lured away by the alluring aroma of Funyuns, the one thing stopping me from hurling myself into the plane of nonexistence from whence I came.

My dream job is probably to write comedy of some sort and have people pay me for it in something other than rotten fruit being hurled at me.

Well I already told you about my incredible anal strength, and that's all I'd say I'm *really* good at, but I'm "pretty" good at writing (in particular about my anal strength), reading (about pretty much anything, doesn't have to be about anal strength), wolf-fighting strategy (if you haven't been wrestling dogs to find their weaknesses in preparation for the Wolfpacalypse then I pity you and will be laughing at you from atop my saddled ice wolf when the time comes), and absurdist "humor".

If you're unlucky, the first thing you've probably noticed about me is your severed finger still twitching and spraying blood as it is lodged in my powerful anus.

If you're lucky, the first thing you notice about me is also my powerful anus except your finger isn't severed and inside it. Lucky you.

AYN RAND IS THE ANSWER TO ALL OF THESE. FAVORITE BOOKS, MOVIES, SHOWS, MUSIC, FOOD: AYN RAND. THIS IS WHY IT SAYS IN THE SIDEBAR THAT MY RELIGION IS ATHEISM AND I AM "VERY SERIOUS" ABOUT IT. YOU GUYS CAN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW SERIOUS I AM ABOUT IT. I SPEND SO MUCH TIME NOT WORSHIPING GOD AND NOT GOING TO CHURCH THAT YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT. IN FACT SOME THINK I SPEND SO MUCH TIME NOT WORSHIPING AND GOING TO CHURCH THAT I AM "OBSESSED" BY IT, CONSIDERING I AM ALWAYS NOT WORSHIPING OR ATTENDING CHURCH. DOESN'T MATTER IF IT IS 3 PM, 3 AM, 2:33 PM, WHATEVER: I AM NOT WORSHIPING OR DOING GOD THINGS AT ALL THOSE TIMES; IT IS A SERIOUS ADDICTION.

1. Kegels
2. This list of things I can't do without (otherwise I forget)
3. do you guys really want to just read a list of shit?
4. i mean seriously it's a friggin list
5. it's like the least interesting thing you could possibly read
6. aside from incessant talk of anuses i guess

Okay but seriously I'm not that crazy and my real answer would involve something banal and trite like my family, my fiancee, my dogs. My freakin dogs, you guys. I fucking love my dogs like they are people and I make out with them on the mouth and if you don't like it then go fuck yourself because I'm happy and I'm making out with dogs and your life is but vast emptiness in comparison.

I don't think about shit. I clear my mind of all thought and fucking wreck myself on some hardcore meditation, just totally destroying my psyche with some sick meditative bliss. I get home and my mind is sore as all get-out and then I stick a bunch of fucking needles in myself because I'm totally into all this Eastern Thought bullshit and my body is just like oozing zen through its pores like some sort of fucked-up jelly. Then when I attain nirvana and I'm swimming with unicorns shit gets real and I just plow through all the metaphysical manifestations of self like some sorta incorporeal karmic ray I hope you realize this is all a buncha bullshit that I'm saying.

-WRESTLING SEVERAL DOGS TO FIND THEIR WEAKNESSES
-EATING PEANUT BUTTER DIRECTLY OUT OF THE JAR USING A JAGGED STICK BECAUSE IT LOOKS FUCKING BOSS
-READING INFINITE JEST IN ONE HAND AND THE CRITIQUE OF PURE REASON IN THE OTHER AND JUST FUCKING YOUR SHIT UP MENTALLY, DAWG
-PLAYING WHAT LOOKS TO BE JUST AN EVERYDAY WORKER'S TOOL AS A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT BECAUSE I'M JUST SO QUIRKY. I'M JUST FULL OF QUIRKS YOU GUYS.

MY ANUS ISN'T AS STRONG AS I SAY IT IS, IT'S JUST A RUSE TO IMPRESS THE LADIES

...you are EVERYBODY, AGES 20-49, located ANYWHERE, and WANT TO BE MY FUCKING PENPAL/ACTIVITY PARTNER/FRIEND OR WHATEVER, IT'S ALL GOOD

...YOU AREN'T A NARC

...YOU KNOW WHAT "WEIRD TWITTER" IS BECAUSE I AM ON IT AND IF U SAY THE SECRET PASS CODE I WILL TELL U WHO I AM

...YOU FIGURED OUT THAT I ONLY TALK EXCESSIVELY ABOUT MY ANUS IN THIS PROFILE BECAUSE I AM DELIBERATELY TRYING TO MAKE MYSELF LOOK LESS APPEALING TO AVAILABLE WOMEN WHILST STILL MAINTAINING AN ACTIVE PROFILE ON HERE BECAUSE I AM GETTING MARRIED SOON AND AM REALLY ONLY LOOKING FOR FRIENDS. ONE INTERESTING FACT IS THAT AS SOON AS I EDITED MY PROFILE TO TALK FOR LONG LENGTHS ABOUT MY ANAL STRENGTH SUDDENLY LOTS AND LOTS OF STRAIGHT MEN BEGAN VIEWING MY PROFILE AND "CHOOSING ME" (ACCORDING TO THESE EMAILS I KEEP GETTING) WHICH IS NOT AT ALL WHAT I WAS EXPECTING BUT PERHAPS A COMMENTARY ON MALE HETEROSEXUALITY THAT A FREUDIAN WOULD BE PLEASED TO NOTICE.