Issuing supreme power to you...one moment.

My self-summary Propose an edit

ABOUT ME: I am going to sum myself up with a very special and unique haiku. I think this will show all the ladies out there just how cultured and awesome I am.

I am really weird / Just ask my mother and see / Shit; it's one syllable too long!

As you can see, my inability to count often foils my plan(s)--and I'm not sure whether that should be pluralized as a result of the aforementioned disorder. I can, however, count to ten (twenty if I’m wearing sandals). At any rate, I'm a loveable dork. Or a dorky lover. Or something to that effect.

I love to talk about intellectual shit like philosophy, literature, political issues, and feces, or some combination of these elements. (E.g., the philosophy of feces. What does it mean to be feces? Is feces composed of mind, matter, or defined functionally? How many feces can dance on the head of a pin?)

I have mild social anxiety in the sense that I tend to clam up in group situations, as group conversational dynamics are too complex for my puny mind to process and subsequently I find myself unable to time my interjections right in between the conversational fray. Around the right group of people things can change, or in other various contexts, but generally I feel more comfortable with one-on-one conversations and closer friendships rather than intense social outings that involve using fluid to deliberately lower my cognitive state to such a degree that I find myself making out with a broom handle while hordes of other barely known acquaintances similarly degrade their cognition and may or may not molest said handles of brooms.

I am also one of those new-fangled “angry atheists” you always hear about in the papers, but so rarely see in reality. I can frequently be found biting the heads off of toddlers and molesting baby seals. Feel free to ask me about my atheism or my views on religion if interested, because I can rant at length about it. (That’s a hint for a conversation starter if you’re looking to message me, ladies. I don’t know why I pluralized ladies, as surely there is only one of you interested. Maybe not even that. Maybe just .7456 of you.)

I'm liberal, and I don't mean that in any pussy-foot sort of way. I value personal liberties to such a degree that I think prostitution and drugs should be legalized. The odd thing is that I strongly believe these victimless crimes should be legal even though I do not wish to participate in such activities. Basically, I'm concerned about all the lives that are lost or ruined solely through the fact that these harmless acts are criminalized. To understand my reasoning on this, read my blog entry on the subject. I could care less about using drugs and instead prefer to indulge in strange food and drink, and as far as prostitution goes I'm much too cheap to pay for sex when I can usually get it for free or after a bit of whining and pleading.

I tend to feel an extreme urge to punch people who take Intelligent Design (and other pseudo-sciences) seriously in the face. But this is only after I have totally destroyed their arguments from ignorance and/or their critiques of a certain creationist-distorted brand of evolution made completely of straw and held together with generous heaps of bullshit. But when I'm not out punching people who misunderstand the meaning of the word "theory" in scientific contexts, I assure you I am actually quite nice and rarely punch in the face. Usually I just aim for the neck.

I am also a silly goose. No, seriously--I'm a goose. I found that out the hard way. And if you don't know what would be the hardest way to find out whether you are a goose or not, then be grateful for your ignorance.

In short, I am quite the unconventional, scientifically-minded, semi-retarded, semi-drooling individual you have probably been searching for. (I am assuming, of course, that you are one of the guards from the mental institution, not a potential suitor.)

JOIN THE IBFRC! I am the president and one of the few lonely members of the Interest Brackets Fucking Rule Coalition, otherwise known as the IBFRC. We are a militant organization that brackets almost everything, including interests that may seem irrelevant or which aren't even real words. We simply do not care. That's just how cool we are.

Membership Information! all you have to do is list "IBFRC" as an interest on your profile (like so: IBFRC), and you will instantly become a member.

-----Please do not confuse us with the IBAFBC (the Interest Brackets Are For Bitches Coalition), which is a sad, pathetic organization run by misguided trained monkeys who feel the need to constantly fling poo on everything, including the glory of interest brackets, because their petty monkey minds are incapable of the abstract reasoning required to truly appreciate something as sophisticated as a [ ] .------

What I'm doing with my life Propose an edit

One cannot do things with life; it is life that does things to you.

..my attempts at producing Nietzsche-esque aphorisms often fail because the grammatical ambiguity frequently implies that life is trying to molest you in some way. And Nietzsche, of course, did not believe that life molested anyone, only that one must will to molest as many supermen as possible in an eternal recurrence. In fact, the only thing worse than my attempts at producing Nietzschean aphorisms are my horrid attempts at elucidating Nietzsche's philosophy, which I have mistaken for a pre-schooler's angry whine about life not being fair.

At any rate, I am not doing much with my life, aside from wallowing in existential despair and occasionally consoling myself with analytic philosophy and women--which sadly are not often found together. I have a degree in English which has garnered me nothing except an arcane understanding of various grammatical minutia and a low-paying job. I make up for the lack of money by meticulously saving, rarely using electricity, dating incredibly rich women, and hunting pigeons for sustenance.

In all seriousness, though, I am attempting to rise in the ranks to the lofty and cherished position of PROOFREADER or COPYEDITOR or WRITER, but for the time being I am left being poor and frugal. This is acceptable because I am devoted to maintaining a lifestyle that is not wasteful. Honestly, the cycle of consumption and waste in our society sickens me, and I wish something could be done about it. But people will always consume needless things and produce needless waste, so I don’t see what can be done.

I am not career-oriented at all, because I hate working. I would rather spend my days leisurely reading, writing, arguing with creationists online, and just enjoying the good life on my own terms. I have a plan to retire when I’m 35 on a meager savings of $100,000 wisely invested to live off the interest. This will not work out if I get a girlfriend, as that entails I will spend money on said girlfriend, which will ruin everything. And yet I still seek a female companion of some sort. What a fool I am!

I'm really good at Propose an edit

I am very good at bullshitting. I also like to debate and argue about things. I can bullshit all sorts of things. Except bullshit. I take the shit of bulls VERY seriously.

For example, Madonna's song "Like A Prayer" is actually about blowjobs. The act performed is not actually prayer, but LIKE a prayer...because it consists of getting on your knees, whispering softly to you, calling out your name, and doing this all in the midnight hour. Come on now. If that doesn't scream BLOWJOB to you, then nothing will. Except me. I frequently stand on street corners and yell "BLOWJOB" at people, you see.

I also excel at arguing with creationists, wasting time writing lengthy profiles online, and grunting and wheezing profusely in the gym. (Yes, I’m one of those douche bags who grunts and wheezes in the gym. Stop looking at me with those glaring eyes! I actually push myself to the limit, folks, because I listen to really badass songs while working out, and hence I am forced to run at excessive speeds. Luckily I don’t ever try to run to Jungle, or my heart would explode from trying to keep up with the drums.)

The first thing(s) people usually notice about me Propose an edit

The first thing people usually notice about me are my highly-inappropriate and inopportune erections, which can spring forth doing things as bland as playing with puppies to burying corpses. I do not, of course, find puppies or corpses arousing. Unless they are wearing clown make-up.

Other than my physical appearance, the first thing people usually notice about me is ... Okay, actually they are too abhorred by my physical appearance to notice anything else, aside from my incredible, vanishingly tiny erections. But seriously. Just look at my pictures and answer this question yourself.

People often tend to notice that I seem aloof in social situations. The silence is not an indication of disinterestedness, though. It only means I am undressing you with my eyes. (They are very adept at undoing bras, to boot.)

Also, when people sneeze, they notice that I don't say "Bless you". Should I choose to notice one's sneeze, I will sometimes reply with "Obligatory acknowledgement of your sneeze." This causes them to look at me. Why must people look at me? Am I just a piece of meat? No! I am a whole meat!

My favorite books, movies, music, and food Propose an edit

Fiction: A Burnt-Out Case by Graham Greene,
Catch-22 by Joseph Heller,
The Stranger and The Plague by Albert Camus,
The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand (And no, I'm not a part of her crazed Objectivist cult),
Nausea by Jean Paul Sartre,
The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevysky (Or anything else by him, for that matter),
Don Quixote by Cervantes,
I, Claudius by Robert Graves,
The Good Soldier by Ford Madox Ford,
1984 by George Orwell,
The Complete Short Stories and The Trial by Franz Kafka,
Paradise Lost by John Milton,
"The Yellow Wallpaper" by Charlotte Perkins Gilman,
"A Very Old Man with Enormous Wings" by Gabriel Garcia-Marquez,
"Sunday Morning" and "The Emperor of Ice Cream" by Wallace Stevens,
and The Black Riders and Other Lines by Stephen Crane.

Nonfiction: The Origin of Species by Charles Darwin
The Ancestor's Tale by Richard Dawkins,
Truth: A Guide by Simon Blackburn,
One, Two, Three...Infinity by George Gamow,
Godel, Escher, Bach by Douglas Hofstadter,
Cosmos by Carl Sagan,
Atheism: The Case Against God by George Smith,
Thus Spoke Zarathrusta by Friedrich Nietzsche,
and Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion by David Hume.

In the desert / I saw a creature, naked, bestial, / Who, squatting upon the ground, / Held his heart in his hands, / And ate of it. / I said, "Is it good, friend?" / "It is bitter--bitter," he answered; / "But I like it / Because it is bitter, / And because it is my heart.

-Stephen Crane

My favorite movies are:

Instead of telling you my favorite movies, I'm going to tell you my idea for a movie. It will be a horror dramedy musical science fiction biopic of my life. Only it will be about my life...IN THE FUTURE, where people must rhyme if they are to speak, and where Dustin, the main character, finds himself in a dire need to stop rhyming, and to speak normally, and to finally overcome the powers that be. But standing in his way is a field of mummies and vampires, reawakened by the state to be part of their undead army. And they have lasers. There will also be a romantic subplot, in which I fall in love with a robot and try desperately to find a place in said robot into which I can insert my penis, only to realize that real love is found in the heart, not the penis, so I have sex witht he robot's heart instead.

In all seriousness, though, I tend to like really fucked up movies that make no sense, so that I may pretend to understand them and impress all my friends. Here's looking at you with a randomly detached eyeball inexplicably floating in pudding, David Lynch.

My favorite music is:

I'd like to assure everyone that I am not a music elitist. In fact, I don't understand why people are usually so obsessed with music. I think people should be obsessed with my crotch, instead. If you really must know, though, I like everything, from trip hop to classical. Some of my favorites include: Portishead, Rasputina, Nine Inch Nails, Saul Williams, Mr. Lif, Dead Prez, The Postal Service, Tears for Fears, The Hives, Stravinski and other classical pieces that make me feel like smashing things (The Rites of Spring caused a fucking riot on opening night. And you thought classical was for pussies!), Johnny Cash cover songs, Led Zeppelin, a few select country songs, various mindless pop songs that are harmless fun, and crazy instrumentals a la Amon Tobin. If you can't tell, I'm a bit of an art snob. I'm the guy hanging around in the abstract art section of the art museum, looking at a piece of string someone dropped on the ground and commenting about how profound it is. I like it, you see, because abstract art is frequently "meta-art", art commenting on itself.

My Favorite Foods:

For some reason, I always vomit profusely whenever I eat a cinnamon roll while I'm sick. I always tell myself, don't eat a cinnamon roll or you'll vomit profusely, but the sweet-smelling deliciousness gets me every time!

I feel I must also disclose here that I am obsessed with mixed martial arts. I know almost all of the fighters and watch almost all of the UFC events. Something about sweaty, muscular, half-naked men mounting each other repeatedly just captivates me. This doesn't mean I'm gay, even though I would have sex with my favorite UFC fighter if he asked me to. It would be out of manly respect, though, and not lust. Purely platonic sex, out there in the realm of ideal forms and other chimeras.

The six things I could never do without Propose an edit

First and foremost, I value learning. Reading classic philosophy, science, and various other non-fiction books satiates my desire to learn about the universe and our place in it. I value people with interests and goals in life that are similar to my own. I value art and expression. Put simply, I value all that pretensious shit that makes me seem like a pseudo-intellectual douche bag. And I am both pseudo-intellectual and a douche bag, so I suppose it works out.

I spend a lot of time thinking about Propose an edit

I think about thinking. That's called metacognition. I also think about having hot anal sex with hot womenz all night long whilse sucking on their nubile toes. That's called metaperversion. Or just regular perversion.

I think about the people who have had the most influence on my life as well. Among the most inspirational is my dog, who has inspired me to live a life of corpulence and laziness, filled with a general sense of lacking responsibility.

I constantly ponder all of the "deep" questions, and in a suitably inane and simplistic fashion so as to fit right in with all the other pseudo-intellectuals of the world who are just smart enough to mock creationists and fundies, but not quite smart enough to actually contribute anything of any intellectual worth to history. I am, however, content with my explorings of the shallow-end of the pool, even though I secretly resent the philosophical water-wings that prevent me from breaking through the surface tension. Examples of issues that interest me are those involving social freedoms, the philosophy of religion, epistemological issues, cognitive science, theories of the mind, evolution, gender and race issues, language issues, and all sorts of other things. (For those who want to message me but don’t know what to start a conversation about: See the previous sentence, HINT HINT.)

So mostly I just think about a bunch of intellectual crap that you probably wouldn't find interesting. And if you would, well...then we need to meet, preferably in a place where we can both be naked.

On a typical Friday night I am Propose an edit

Laying around in a stupor or watching internet porn. Playing with my dog. Watching one of my many Netflix movies (I watch movies constantly). Reading. Attempting to go on dates and failing miserably in doing so. Hanging with my close friends. Sometimes I will also sob uncontrollably in my corner, for no apparent reason at all. Ideally, I'd like to be having wonderful, stimulating conversation, but I'd settle for feigning interest in the new Harry Potter as you tell me all about how great it is.

Sleeping...WITH HOT WOMENZ I MET ON OKCUPID! Okay, maybe not. But a girl can dream, can't she?

AND NOW, I PRESENT TO YOU: Philosopher Break-Up Lines!

Leibniz: It'd be for the best if we broke up. /// Hegel: The thesis is we're breaking down. The antithesis is to fix it up. The synthesis is...we're breaking up. /// Solipsist: You think the world revolves around you! /// Dualist: My body says yes, but my heart says no! /// Plato: Uh, of course we aren't a couple. I'm Plato! Our relationship is stricly platonic! /// Utilitarian: It'd be better for both of us if I just left. /// Popper: Inductively, I thought I loved you and only you. Deductively, screwing your sister proved that false. /// Descartes: I need to find myself. /// Descartes (part 2): A relationship does not think, therefore our relationship is not. We're over bitch! /// Zeno: We are too distant. /// Theist: I can't explain why I want to break up with you. Therefore, God did it. /// Medieval Scholastic: (1. Our love is defined as that which nothing greater can be thought.) [2. It is greater to love than to be in love, because feeling love is better than being bound to love by a mere preposition.] (3. Therefore, I love you, but I am not IN love with you.) /// Sartre: I am sick of you. /// Occam: I wasn't enough for you, huh? You needed a man with a beard, too! The guy doesn't even own a razor! We're over! I won't be multiplying entities with YOU anytime soon! /// Derrida: We're too "differant". /// Libertarian/Economic Conservative: This relationship is much too taxing. /// Intelligent Design Theorist: Some things about evolution confuse me. Therefore we're breaking up. /// Materialist: Love doesn't ?matter? to you. /// Determinist: It just wasn't meant to be! /// Marxist: This relationship is just an ideological construct designed to repress my class conciousness! Monogamy is an invention of capitalist swine! /// Nietzsche: We are "over, man". /// Kant: My proposed maxim was to love you. But I could not will to universalize this maxim and have everyone love you, otherwise you'd be cheating on me. Therefore, it is my duty not to love you! /// Logical Positivist: Our love never meant anything--the word "love" has no meaningful content, after all!

The most private thing I'm willing to admit here Propose an edit

I am tempted to put up a shirtless picture of myself because six months of hard work has yielded two abs that are now visible from under my fat, but I worry that women may find shirtless pictures narcissistic, or be unimpressed with my only having two abs rather than six, or else judge me to be a mindless jock before even attempting to read my profile and seeing that I am actually not a mindless jock but instead a mindless [i]dork[/i] who just happens to have tiny, barely visible muscles. What can I say, though? I am proud to finally be relatively fit and now go out of my way to live a healthy lifestyle. I’m not a perfect specimen of manliness, granted, and that’s not the point. I’m just proud that I managed to dedicate myself to achieve my personal goals and can now likely expect an extended life span with a higher quality of life. Unless I get hit by a truck.

The worst thing I’ve ever done is steal money from a lost purse I found in a parking lot when I was very young. (I am interested in whether you find this utterly appalling or else see it as positive because it shows I have not done worse things like rape puppies. I tend to see it as appalling and I feel bad about it. I am incredibly judgmental when it comes to my own actions, but incredibly lenient when it comes to judging the actions of others, for some strange reason.)

This is my favorite test on all of OKCupid that isn't one of my own: The Self-Referential Test. That's a BIG surprise, isn't it?

You should message me if Propose an edit

...you are a hot womenz who likes self-depracating men.

No, but seriously, I like getting mail in my OKCupid account and pretending that people out there really like me, and that I actually have friends who mail me, and that...JUST DO IT BEFORE I KILL MYSELF.

God. My last girlfriend complained about this. I'll stop threatening my own life in order to coerce strange online people to message me. But if coercing others to message me online through suicide is wrong, then I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT!

If you message me with a stimulating topic of conversation, that would be greatly appreciated. (See above for ideas.) If you message me proselytizing about creationism or Jesus, I will probably completely pwn you in a forcible manner using one of your evacuatory orifices and a pointy stick.

AIM: stgasoline *** Yahoo: saint_gasoline *** Email: Saint_gasoline@yahoo.com

And check out my webcomic! Shameless plugs are neat!

Tests He's Taken View all

Title	His Result	Your Result
Title	His Result	Your Result
The Sublime Philosophical Crap Test	R-S-R	Take it!
The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test	Pure Nerd	Take it!
The How White Are You Test	I am 47% White	Take it!
The Which Chick has a Dick Test	25 out of 41 - Just an Off Day	Take it!
The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test	the Observer	Take it!