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Saint_Gasoline

30 / M / Straight / Available

Saint Louis, Missouri

His journal posts

The Man Purse

Nov 22, 2006

For the first time ever in my life, I have witnessed the glory of a man purse. A young black man came up to my register. I, being disgruntled, grunted (or is that "dis-grunted") what was meant to be a greeting and simply kept my head down, scanning each item with furious speed, flinging it towards the wide-eyed bag boy with such dexterity that cripples and parapalegics everywhere suddenly all began to cry in jealousy.

Finally, after I threw the last item across the scanner, I looked up, belching out the total. The young man nodded, and pulled up some sort of bag. I eyed it warily, knowing that bags were horrible nuisances and hating them with intesity after having worked around them for years, and soon my hatred dissolved into inner laughter as I realized that I was looking at a man purse. It was not a tote bag, or some other sort of bag--this could only be described as a man purse.

While I'm stifling giggles, he attempts to pay with his food stamp card. Naturally, he doesn't have a balance. He probably spent all of his money on man purses. And who can blame him? It was a fine man purse.

I point out to him that the annoying sound my computer just made signaled the rejection of his food stamp card. His response was to say, "Oh, let me get my other EBT card."

Now, maybe it's just me, but I always thought the government wouldn't be stupid enough to give ONE person TWO food stamp cards. I mean, if I were running things, that'd probably be a rule or something. Perhaps they made an exception for this man--he had a man purse, after all.

Of course, instead of pulling out a second EBT card, instead he pulls out several huge piles of receipts. He must have had a life's worth of receipts in his man purse. Soon I could no longer see anything as I was buried beneath the receipts from his bottomless man purse. And no EBT card to be found.

I felt saddened, but I was forced to tell the man-purse man to get the fuck out of the store and to leave his groceries with me. So he collected his abundant receipts, stuffed them back into his man purse, and waddled away dejectedly. He was a terrible nuisance, and he wasted so much time that all the customers behind him were now scowling and speaking tersely and angrily as if the man purse fiasco had been of my devising--but I could not bring myself to hate the man purse man as much as the others did. Sure, he was cheating the government, he couldn't afford his groceries, and he had somehow collected every receipt he had ever received--but his man purse made up for it all. In retrospect, I am sort of thankful that he did not have any money. It just would have been another receipt added to the collection. I slyly would have purposely "forgotten" to give him his receipt, just out of pity. I, too, can understand the plight of receipt-collecting. My wallet bulges with the five-year old receipts I still have saved. Will I, too, be forced to buy a man purse? Will my receipt clinginess damn me to man-pursedom? Only time will tell.
For the first time ever in my life, I have witnessed the glory of aman purse. A young black man came up to my register. I, beingdisgruntled, grunted (or is that "dis-grunted") what was meant tobe a greeting and simply kept my head down, scanning each item withfurious speed, flinging it towards the wide-eyed bag boy with suchdexterity that cripples and parapalegics everywhere suddenly allbegan to cry in jealousy.

Finally, after I threw the last item across the scanner, I lookedup, belching out the total. The young man nodded, and pulled upsome sort of bag. I eyed it warily, knowing that bags were horriblenuisances and hating them with intesity after having worked aroundthem for years, and soon my hatred dissolved into inner laughter asI realized that I was looking at a man purse. It was not a totebag, or some other sort of bag--this could only be described as aman purse.

While I'm stifling giggles, he attempts to pay with his food stampcard. Naturally, he doesn't have a balance. He probably spent allof his money on man purses. And who can blame him? It was a fineman purse.

I point out to him that the annoying sound my computer just madesignaled the rejection of his food stamp card. His response was tosay, "Oh, let me get my other EBT card."

Now, maybe it's just me, but I always thought the governmentwouldn't be stupid enough to give ONE person TWO food stamp cards.I mean, if I were running things, that'd probably be a rule orsomething. Perhaps they made an exception for this man--he had aman purse, after all.

Of course, instead of pulling out a second EBT card, instead hepulls out several huge piles of receipts. He must have had a life'sworth of receipts in his man purse. Soon I could no longer seeanything as I was buried beneath the receipts from his bottomlessman purse. And no EBT card to be found.

I felt saddened, but I was forced to tell the man-purse man to getthe fuck out of the store and to leave his groceries with me. So hecollected his abundant receipts, stuffed them back into his manpurse, and waddled away dejectedly. He was a terrible nuisance, andhe wasted so much time that all the customers behind him were nowscowling and speaking tersely and angrily as if the man pursefiasco had been of my devising--but I could not bring myself tohate the man purse man as much as the others did. Sure, he wascheating the government, he couldn't afford his groceries, and hehad somehow collected every receipt he had ever received--but hisman purse made up for it all. In retrospect, I am sort of thankfulthat he did not have any money. It just would have been anotherreceipt added to the collection. I slyly would have purposely"forgotten" to give him his receipt, just out of pity. I, too, canunderstand the plight of receipt-collecting. My wallet bulges withthe five-year old receipts I still have saved. Will I, too, beforced to buy a man purse? Will my receipt clinginess damn me toman-pursedom? Only time will tell.
The Man Purse
An image of SilkFairy I just wrote about this in my journal. I cannot help but laugh, thinking of my own experiances at the register. Like the customer whose...

SilkFairy commented on May 25, 2007

An image of crispy_crab If you go to hell for being a right bastard, would it be being sent to a parallel world with *GASP* NO MAN PURSES??!! No.. No God could be that cruel.

Seriously though, you should mate with Pinko.

crispy_crab commented on Jul 13, 2007

An image of scorpiogrrl78 wow, it's obvious some people have never worked a "customer service" job. sometimes you have to belittle people, even though it's wrong, just to make it through the day without punching babies in the face. your story sounds a lot better than my envisioning people's flesh melting off their bones. you are hilarious and i enjoy your writing!

scorpiogrrl78 commented on Jul 30, 2007

An image of Saint_Gasoline Dudes, read the post more carefully. When I said he was cheating the government, I was basing that on the fact that he claimed to have TWO food stamp cards. Now, I've never been on food stamps, and I don't know exactly how it works, but I'm relatively sure you don't get two of them unless you're somehow abusing the system. If I'm wrong, though, I stand corrected. And why the hell would I accuse someone of cheating the system merely because they're on a system-endorsed program? For those in the know, I'm one of those bleeding-heart liberals who fully endorses government assistance. Unlike many, I don't consider taxes to be a burden on the rich, who cannot comprehend what it's like to work a difficult job and receive next to no pay for it. Unfortunately, having worked in retail, I can easily understand. Now get a sense of humor, peoples!

Saint_Gasoline commented on Dec 9, 2007

An image of Saint_Gasoline Oh, and here's a response just for you, pinko! "It's amazing how you've inferred that he must have spent his money on the man purse instead of saving it for groceries." Dear, dear pinko. Perhaps you can't see the joke because you are too busy wallowing in your class-consciousness--your pseudo-marxist ideological elitism--but I assure you I'm not being serious. The joke, in case you are still so humorless that you cannot comprehend it, is that I tried to claim this man used up his balance on his EBT card buying man-purses. And you can't buy non-food items with EBT cards. "Obviously, he's cheating the government!" I claimed he was cheating the government when he said he had TWO food stamp cards, not because he had a man purse. Man purse ownership is not an indication of abuse of government assistance programs, just an indication that you have no shame. "Even more egregious is the fact that you couldn't even look him in the eye: was that because he was poor? black? or poor AND black?" Yes, you're so right. I couldn't look him in the eye because he was poor and a person of color. This also explains why it is so difficult to comb my hair in the mornings, seeing as how I can't even bear to look at myself, being poor and having the last name "Martinez." The part where I mentioned keeping my head down, before I even realized the gentleman was on food stamps, I might add, wasn't meant to be a descriptive device detailing my focus on speedy checking, but was a subtle message of self-hate, racism, and moral superiority over the poor! Even though that paragraph specifically mentions speedy checking! Yes, pinko, you always see right to the heart of things. "Maybe it's because of the ignorance & falsely-based moral superiority of people like you that's caused his poverty. Maybe it's those very reasons why you're in the demeaning position of checking out people's groceries. Oh the irony, the checkout guy thinking himself better off. Price check anyone?" "Wow, this probably has to be one of the most condescending posts I've come across." You know, pinko, for someone endowed with such a huge, compassionate heart and a class consciousness that rivals Stalin himself, you sure can fling moral superiority around and wallow in condescending reproaches of a person's profession with the best of them! For you to pretend to be DEFENDING poor people, and then go on to belittle me precisely for having a low-paying job and being poor strikes me as rather idiotic. And then you call me condescending? Perhaps if you've misread everything I wrote and take racism, classism, and elitism as a given for me, without proof, then yeah, it's quite easy to read the post that way. But for those who actually read critically, such an interpretation is more difficult to accept. But as always, thanks for your humble and understanding comments! You are a bastion of sensibility! You have the communistic understanding and empathy of a Lenin or Castro! Of course, he couldn't have received it as a gift or part of a donation. He's poor, so he must have had to resort to stealing or cheating to get nice things! What's funnier is that even if he's poor, the guy's still more stylish than you.

Saint_Gasoline commented on Dec 9, 2007

An image of savtah Purses are handy, for man or woman. Kind of annoying carrying your wallet and keys in your pocket, looks like you got a second set of testicles. Though I don't use one, cause I got used to the added manhood feeling. In France it is rather common for a man to use a purse. I like France...

savtah commented on Jan 20, 2008

An image of Gilia_tricolor One cannot get two EBT cards without either 1. cheating the government, or 2. borrowing or stealing a card from another food stamp recipient. While the amount they give a person for food is fairly laughable, perhaps more people could receive food stamps if fewer people cheated. Not sure about that....

Gilia_tricolor commented on Jan 20, 2008

An image of Gilia_tricolor Oh, and I have been a food stamp recipient myself and I am definitely "poor," and I thought your post was very funny.

Gilia_tricolor commented on Jan 20, 2008

Hmm, if the bag is not a normal tote... can you add a picture to support the new man purse design? I am curious. This is a great story. Loved the first paragraph about the jealous cripples. Make sure to write when you get a man purse for those receipts. Also, prance. Prance with that bag.

A former user commented on Feb 10, 2008

You are too much! lol :)

A former user commented on Apr 12, 2008

An image of carolraine Do you have a blog? If you do have one, I will read it every day, and click on all the ads, so that you will be able to buy one of the murses pictured here: http://thesatchelpages.com/ But really, you write so well, you deserve recompense. And I was especially concerned by those sad, poo-encrusted toenails of yours. Just think, you could pay some earnest ex-Soviet pedicurist (with a lovely ginger bun over each ear and a boxy white cotton uniform) to soak and scrape it all out, AND paint your toenails sparkly electric blue, so as to turn on your lovely hamstress.

carolraine commented on Jul 11, 2008