I wish more people would run into crowded rooms holding books over their heads and scream, "It's a cookbook! IT'S A COOKBOOK!!!"
Fuck "their/they're/there..." I stop reading your profile the first time you misuse the nominative case. HERE'S THE DEAL: It's "this is a picture of ______ and me," not "this is a picture of _____and I." You wouldn't say "this is a picture of I." Grammar lesson over. For now.
It pisses me off to no end when I see women with pics of themselves with baby tigers and other exotic animals...because that could be ME rubbing that baby tiger's belly. What makes you baby tiger belly approved, huh? The day I see a picture of one of you cuddling a red panda is the day I just off myself.
Ron Swanson is my power animal. Malcolm Tucker is my BBC power animal.
The greatest strutting song of all time is Stereolab's "Metronomic Underground." Go 'head...look it up. I'll wait. In fact, let it play while you're reading this profile. Everything needs a soundtrack.
I genuinely feel bad that women can't easily pee outside. You have no idea what you're missing.
"Yes, this is Dog" makes me laugh every time I see it.
I desperately want to be friends with Herman Cain.
If I had to choose between having my own theme music and having my air guitar play the Bill & Ted air guitar sound, I'd choose the air guitar.
I think that the people who say that using foul, insensitive or inflammatory language is a sign of a weak mind are wrong. And fucking retarded.
I'd be more convinced of Mumford & Sons' worth if they were all fat and ugly and were still popular. You don't like Mumford & Sons. You like pretty boys in bands. Fairly sure the Avett Brothers are the real deal, though.
I'm damn sure I saw a Terminator once.
If I'm drinking while cooking, I like to rant at the food in racially insensitive accents.
I quit smoking five months ago, but I'll defend to the death the rights of smokers. You know what's worse than second-hand smoke? People who get self-righteous about second-hand smoke.
I play video games. This does not mean that I spend hours on end playing Call of Duty or Halo or World of Warcraft or one of the other three games for which your ex used to ignore you on a Saturday night. Video games are the new storytelling medium, and as such, they fascinate me. If this is a problem for you, best look elsewhere, or better yet, get over it.
I have excellent social skills and can adapt to any social situation with relative ease. Being an awkward doofus is a personal choice.
"Obfuscate" is the best word in the English language, because when you say it, you're doing it.