I'm more Barry than Levon.

I wish more people would run into crowded rooms holding books over their heads and scream, "It's a cookbook! IT'S A COOKBOOK!!!"

Fuck "their/they're/there..." I stop reading your profile the first time you misuse the nominative case. HERE'S THE DEAL: It's "this is a picture of ______ and me," not "this is a picture of _____and I." You wouldn't say "this is a picture of I." Grammar lesson over. For now.

It pisses me off to no end when I see women with pics of themselves with baby tigers and other exotic animals...because that could be ME rubbing that baby tiger's belly. What makes you baby tiger belly approved, huh? The day I see a picture of one of you cuddling a red panda is the day I just off myself.

Ron Swanson is my power animal. Malcolm Tucker is my BBC power animal.

The greatest strutting song of all time is Stereolab's "Metronomic Underground." Go 'head...look it up. I'll wait. In fact, let it play while you're reading this profile. Everything needs a soundtrack.

I genuinely feel bad that women can't easily pee outside. You have no idea what you're missing.

"Yes, this is Dog" makes me laugh every time I see it.

I desperately want to be friends with Herman Cain.

If I had to choose between having my own theme music and having my air guitar play the Bill & Ted air guitar sound, I'd choose the air guitar.

I think that the people who say that using foul, insensitive or inflammatory language is a sign of a weak mind are wrong. And fucking retarded.

I'd be more convinced of Mumford & Sons' worth if they were all fat and ugly and were still popular. You don't like Mumford & Sons. You like pretty boys in bands. Fairly sure the Avett Brothers are the real deal, though.

I'm damn sure I saw a Terminator once.

If I'm drinking while cooking, I like to rant at the food in racially insensitive accents.

I quit smoking five months ago, but I'll defend to the death the rights of smokers. You know what's worse than second-hand smoke? People who get self-righteous about second-hand smoke.

I play video games. This does not mean that I spend hours on end playing Call of Duty or Halo or World of Warcraft or one of the other three games for which your ex used to ignore you on a Saturday night. Video games are the new storytelling medium, and as such, they fascinate me. If this is a problem for you, best look elsewhere, or better yet, get over it.

I have excellent social skills and can adapt to any social situation with relative ease. Being an awkward doofus is a personal choice.

"Obfuscate" is the best word in the English language, because when you say it, you're doing it.

Still here?

...Really?

Taking online dating super seriously.

Here's all you really need to know: I'm a VO actor, a theater director, a wannabe chef, an aesthete, an empath, an animal lover and a believer in the inherent goodness of people. I've got a big heart, a reliable shoulder, and a sharp tongue, and I like to use all three as much as possible.

Also, I just discovered the word "sapiosexual," and despite the fact that it's a completely made up word, it describes me perfectly.

Faking accents. And sincerity.

Is how sincere my fake accent sounds.

Books: VALIS, A Scanner Darkly, John Dies at the End, The Master and Margarita, Heart of a Dog, Omon Ra, Snow Crash, House of Leaves, The Hitchhiker's Trilogy, Cat's Cradle, God Bless You Mr. Rosewater, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, Kafka on the Shore, Invisible Cities, If On A Winter's Night A Traveler...

Movies: The Warriors, The American Astronaut, Robocop, Ghost in the Shell, Battle Royale, Yojimbo/Sanjuro, Sunshine, Drive, Bronson, Valhalla Rising, Dead Man, Down By Law, Jackie Brown, Young Frankenstein, Blazing Saddles, The Producers, Airplane!, Kentucky Fried Movie, Wayne's World (1 & 2), Army of Darkness, Critters 1-3, Dawn of the Dead, many, MANY more.

Shows: Certain anime shows, Modern Family, Sons of Anarchy, Justified, The Mighty Boosh, The IT Crowd, Jam, Green Wing, The Thick of It, Snuff Box, Nathan Barley, Noel Fielding's Luxury Comedy...pretty much any BBC alt-comedy. Actually, pretty much any BBC anything...The Hour, Sherlock, Luther, Doctor Who, etc. Also, anything that H. Jon Benjamin does. He's my VO hero, and has been since Home Movies. Bob's Burgers & Archer FTW. Also, Metalocalypse.

Music: Slint, Shellac, Don Caballero, Mogwai, Can, Minutemen, Baroness, Isis, Kylesa, Royal Thunder, Helms Alee, Biggie, De La Soul, Kendrick Lamar, Ab-Soul, Schoolboy Q, The GZA, Heltah Skeltah, Action Bronson, Nas, Deltron 3030, Enslaved, Dethklok, Ufomammut, The Melvins, Big Business, Torche, Om, Sleep, Grails, Pink Floyd, Black Sabbath, Massive Attack, Portishead, Primus, Blind Melon (most underrated band of the 90's!), GY!BE, Soundgarden, Sonic Youth, Dinosaur Jr., Sleater-Kinney The Reverend Horton Heat, The Super Furry Animals, Bowie, Davis, Mingus, Coltrane, Coleman, Roy Ayers, Bobby Womack, The Meters, Sharon Jones, Zappa, Phish (don't judge), Soul Coughing, a bajillion others. I probably listen to a lot of shit you can't stand, but I can almost guarantee we have SOME music in common.

Metal
Hip-hop
Whiskey
Optimism
Creativity
Batman

Nicolas Cage.

Whether or not men can grow beards in space.

If anyone's going to get any of the State references I have in this profile.

Two words: Froggy Jamboree.

My life would be complete if I could do the Harlem Shake*

*This answer was given before the recent Harlem Shake meme surfaced. I'm keeping it as-is because shut up.

You want to yell at me for using the word "retarded."

You want to laugh about how retarded it is to get mad at words.

You want to go get a whiskey and find out about each other the old fashioned way.

You're as sick of OKCupid as I am and see the sardonic nature of this profile as the only defense against the behemoth of suckitude that is dating (online or otherwise). Relationships are awesome. Dating blows goats.

You like metal, classic whiskey cocktails, video games, and intensely intellectual conversations about massively stupid things.

You're a fucking adult. This "LA Party Grrl" bullshit makes me retch.