I'm 18 as of April. So to those of you who are in your thirties or trying to contact me for sex, please realize how creepy that is, I was jailbait last spring. I'm not looking for a relationship involving sex. I plan to stay chaste until marriage, or at the very least until I finish college (that'd be 5+ years). If you came to solicit me for anything sexual, or were hoping to start a relationship that will turn sexual before marriage, please leave now.
I'm currently in China, so I'm not actually looking for a relationship at the moment, talking as friends or whatever online is fine but I have too much to do and too much on my mind to try to date anyone. I have trouble enough fending off guys on the street sometimes (foreigner + blonde hair = major target for guys) -_-" I got stalked home once. So I don't want a boyfriend right now, I don't want to deal with that crap while I'm here. I'm only looking for online people to chat with.
I'm a very honest person. This is because I really don't feel like keeping secrets, if you ask me something I'll tell you an honest answer, if you ask me about my life I'll give you a synopsis of it that will be both long and more personal than most people would share with a stranger. I tend to be an open book. Yeah I've had experiences that I don't want to share with other people but I've mentally blocked most of them out so thoroughly that I couldn't even tell you about them if I tried.
My observation skills suck. I am off in my own little world for a good majority of the day and will be the last to notice a change in my surroundings. "Where did that poster come from?" 'Um, it's been hanging up there for two weeks' "Oh..."
I'm one of the most confident people I know. I think I became this way after being bullied from kindergarten onward. Once I got to fifth grade I just took a step back and realized that it's not what you are but what people think you are. Thus, seem confident and capable and people will never bully you again. And as this continued to work the confidence wasn't an act anymore. I understood how the system worked and how to handle myself and gain respect.
I want to be a polyglot (one who can speak many languages) and I am trying to teach myself many languages via books, movies, songs, the internet etc.
I know a bit of (in order of most to least and all extremely poorly, thus they aren't on my profile details):
Spanish, Italian, German, Japanese, Portuguese, French, Russian, Swedish/other assorted Scandinavian languages
I'm semi-fluent in Chinese after taking it for 4 years in high school and I'm currently in China studying it right now
I enjoy traveling. I've been to countries on four continents. China, Asia: Brazil, South America: UK & France, Europe: and many countries in North America mostly in the Caribbean.
I live with my parents, my younger sister, one dog and two snakes. Yes, snakes; they're adorable. My cornsnake's name is Pinkeye (Pinky for short), my sister owns the other one (Checkers, aka Check for short) but they both live in her room. My dog's name is Buddy, but he answers to many names. Generally we call him Buddog.
Now that the boring stats are done.
I'm on here partially out of an impulsive decision to join sparked by my friend joining. "Hey we can do it together!" *clicks button* I don't completely know what I want to get out of this because I plan on being in China until June and then I'll go to college so it's not like I have a timeline that is conducive to finding my soul mate or whatever. And I'm not looking for non-serious "fun and intimate" relationship fling thing cause that's NOT me. I just don't know.
One of the patterns I've seen in what happens when I date people is that I slip into "the girlfriend" role. I act more submissive and observant trying to make sure that I'm reading my date correctly. I don't say what I want completely if it sounds rude or demanding because I don't want to be impolite. IT SUCKS! It's not me at all. And whoever I'm dating, they won't see any act, and won't catch on that I don't want to do this or that. Plus, I don't know how to take off the act, I automatically do it, and come off as the perfect girlfriend. Only to have whatever guy I'm dating fall for me immediately, and start saying things like "I love you" and I get freaked, cut and run cause I don't feel the same, feel smothered and freaked out and on top of that, they don't even know me or who I actually am. I had a guy once casually mention marriage in a hypothetical case. I KNEW HIM FOR LESS THAN TWO WEEKS! I wanted to burst into tears. If you really got to know me you'd find out that I'm extremely outgoing, usually have something to say and am a naturally dominant personality around people that I know well and feel comfortable with, but if I don't know you well, I'm unlikely to push anything or make requests as I don't want to upset the other person, this usually leads to me being uncomfortable or annoyed with myself.
But of course, nobody ever sees my real emotions. Literally, even my own family can't guess when I'm sad or not. It's so frustrating. So I just sit there on dates, contemplating why I can't seem to communicate anything non-verbally to people. And wonder how people can let themselves fall in love with someone they don't even know.
Long story short, don't tell me you love me and don't freak me out with romantic shit. I will run away and you will never hear from me again.
Now I guess I should put the warning stuff that might scare you away.
I have clinical depression. You wouldn't know it by looking at me, I look perfectly happy and confident whenever I'm in public. I'm not goth or emo or whatever. I don't really have a label. If you had to choose one, I suppose you could say I look sort of preppy, but then I'd attack you. However, I've struggled with clinical depression since fifth grade on and off as my medication has changed with my chemical make-up. My lowest point was March 2012 when I dropped out of school for a month and couldn't bring myself to even get out of bed for anything but the most basic necessities, and even then I barely ate, one meal a day maybe. It was during that time that I was waiting for admittance to a residential treatment center where I spent four months away from home attempting to get better. I recovered enough to function, although I was by no means better. Since then I've spent the past year working on adjusting the medication with my doctor and (finally) I think we might have found the right dosage. [To those of you who don't believe in medication, please note, I've been going through depression for years and have been through more therapy than some therapists have practiced, it takes more than just will power to deal with depression. It's an illness just like cancer, it has no cure and in bad situations it can kill you]
I've also been diagnosed with even more mental disorders, although they don't really affect my daily life. ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder); OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder); GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
GAD can be a problem sometimes when combined with my depression, but generally it's not a big deal. My OCD is now confined to small quirks and project perfectionism rather than debilitating rituals. ADD sucks since I space a lot, but I can still focus and think clearly when I'm given a task so I still function. And my Depression is being controlled for now so I'm doing pretty well overall.