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32 M San Antonio, TX

I’m looking for

  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 20–40
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For long-term dating, short-term dating

My Details

Last Online
Today – 4:17pm
5′ 9″ (1.75m)
Body Type
Agnosticism, and laughing about it
Leo, but it doesn’t matter
Graduated from university
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Strictly monogamous
Doesn’t have kids
Likes dogs and has cats
English (Fluently)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I tend to cater to the "act out an unresolved crush on your English professor" crowd. It's also an unwritten rule of OkCupid that I promise everyone how "laid back & chill" I am, but -- full disclosure -- I've actually been called "charmingly high strung."

update - I don't currently have this "A-List" thing so if you "high-rate" me, I'll never find out. Looks like you'll just have to message me. Ask me about my cat or something. Oh! Or if I read any good books lately. That one actually works on me.

TL;DR Version:
--coffee-inhaling former English lit student (of the decidedly non-hipster variety. That is to say: I lean left* but try not to look homeless on purpose).

*Though I'm increasingly middle of the road in my old age. I can't keep up with every specific boogeyman or boogeywoman or gender-fluid boogeyperson the blogosphere wants me to hate at any given time. I'm more interested in those gifs of cats missing their jumps.

--carnivorous, but vegan-friendly, if one of your turn-ons is "guy to eat kale with." Off hours, though, I'm a grown man who takes his nutritional cues from Liz Lemon.

--"confirmed agnostic," but if you're religious, I probably have enough leftover Catholic guilt for us to squeak by.

--I'm known to foster wayward cats from time to time. Sorry/not sorry. I've got the hookup on Zyrtec if we really hit it off.

--originally from Louisiana. It's nothing you've seen on True Blood but everything you've seen on Swamp People. Think Mayberry, but soggier, and every few years the town is almost dragged into the ocean.

--I really will eat an entire plate of kale. No foolin'.

Also: if you're all about Crossfit and Bikram, my sincerest congrats, but I live a very donut-positive lifestyle. I also observe nap time.

TL;DR Version of the TL;DR Version:
--Job. Vehicle. Parental influence buffered by 500+ miles.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Day job: I manage the quality control department for a "customer metrics" office in San Antonio. What's "customer metrics"? Why, it's every bit as sexy and dynamic as it sounds (hint: very). I believe the un-aired pilot for Mad Men took place in customer metrics. On a daily basis I encounter sentences like this: "Numerous varsities of gum spot were empty." That. That's customer metrics.

Off hours, there's a good chance you'll find me reading, laptopping (now a verb) and nursing my caffeine habit somewhere. I'm doing that right now in fact. Teachable moment: caffeine addicts should not be given punch cards. My last blood test read: "French Roast."
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Subject-verb agreement. Your/you're usage. I also "bring it" with the correct comma placement.

I've been accused of having too much empathy for my own good. Myers-Briggs* says I'm a "healer idealist" (I prefer "emotional baggage handler") so all my brooding cynicism must be ironic. Which means I just out-hipster'd every hipster on here.

*If you're turned on by acronyms (and if you're still reading, you very well may be the type) supposedly I'm an INFP and my "natural match" is the ENFJ. Opposites attracting and what not.

I don't know what a carburetor does (I know it's a car part because it has "car" in it) but I do know that kittens are bottle-fed facing forward or they drown.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I am not a dudebro.

I'm told I talk with my hands. My eyes apparently get huge on points of emphasis. My smile's been called "friendly," so it's doing its job, I guess. I keep my beard obsessively neat. No "full Austin bird's nest" here. I'm all about beardscaping.

Myers-Briggs also says I'm an introvert so chances are there's a ton about me you're not noticing. All those swaggering extroverts you're looking for, out there extrovert-ing themselves (also now a verb).

In the biopic of my life, I'd be played by Paul Giamatti in a wig.

I do not understand how basketball works. I can name two Spurs players, but only because Ginobli won't stop trying to sell me Hondas. Plus that coyote-thing really straddles the uncanny valley. Wasn't he in that cut scene from The Shining? You know the one.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I was an English major so books were once a huge part of my routine, albeit not the soundest life decision. I still hemorrhage cash at any Half Price Books.

Here's some name-drops for those who care: A Confederacy of Dunces --- Catch-22 --- John Barth -- E. L. Doctorow --- Don Delillo, --- Phillip Roth -- William Faulkner (Light in August is my favorite) --- One Hundred Years of Solitude --- The Tin Drum --- some Kafka --- Vladimir Nabokov --- *some* Thomas Pynchon (it's love/hate)--- some Ishmael Reed and Salman Rushdie. Not so much into poetry or classical lit, but I smile and fake it. I read my share of nonfiction too, mostly political stuff, especially Matt Taibbi, Chris Hedges, Thomas Frank and Barbara Ehrenreich. I'm currently attempting to read a book on String Theory and Steven Pinkers' series on how the brain works. For science.

More name-droppng: Jean-Pierre Jeunet, Paul Thomas Anderson, Lars von Trier, Wes Anderson, The Coen Brothers, Charlie Kaufman / Spike Jonez, Terry Gilliam, early-to-mid-career Woody Allen (can't vouch for what he's been doing lately...) and Park Chan-Wook. But I also giggled like a manchild through the entirety of Napoleon Dynamite, Superbad, Life of Brian, Waiting for Guffman, and Shaun of the Dead. Though I've got little patience with rom-coms, torture porn, and superhero 'splosion movies.

I also enjoy really terrible "so bad it's good" stuff as well, so if you know something on par with Troll 2, The Room (I sincerely wish Tommy Wiseau had an entire canon of work), Birdemic, Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky or anything begging for the MST3K treatment, we'll get along.

I might secretly think Mad Men is the best written show currently on TV*. Watch me fail miserably as I try my damnedest to redeem Pete Campbell for you.

*edit - I wrote that sentence prior to Bert Cooper's musical number. The hell was that?

Other than that, most of my favorite shows are cancelled:
30 Rock --- It's Always Sunny -- Arrested Development --- Curb Your Enthusiasm (Larry David may be my moral/ethical compass)-- Breaking Bad -- Frasier (that's right, Frasier) -- and I legitimately thought King of the Hill was an incredibly well-done show. I will say I've started to enjoy The IT Crowd and Black Books but I'm very new. I'm also one of those people who won't shut up about how Community and Parks and Rec used to be better. I enjoy Stewart and Colbert when I actually catch them, as well as the occasional political commentary from Rachel Maddow or Bill Maher, but all things in moderation.

Sorry, ladies: I have a guilty affinity for Family Guy and South Park. I apologize for that. Occasionally, my Y-chromosome asserts itself and can only be lulled by cutaway gags.

"You had me at meat tornado" - Ron Swanson.

I enjoy discovering local mom-n-pops and fancier places alike. I especially like food trucks but wish they drove to me instead. I would hand them a small fortune for door-to-door brisket. I do have these few caveats:

--I dislike cilantro, which my tongue reads as toothpaste and grass. You can barely get a waffle in this city without a heap'n help'n of cilantro.
--Fun fact: I find shrimp to be vile, inedible creatures. Surely they must violate some health code somewhere.
--I find wine a chore to drink, but I enjoy stouts, porters, and anything with gin or bourbon in it.

Uh oh! Better like (or...hate?) the right bands here! Look, I'm sure we'll find something to enjoy together*. If it's hip hop I....might like the album cover? They're usually shiny.

*or...mutually criticize? I forget how this works. Most people take music way more seriously than I do.

Having grown up in a soggy, shrimp-infested, pop-cultural no man's land, I haven't been to many concerts, but I'll happily tag along.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
1 - Caffeine. When I tell people I'm "doin' shots," I'm usually referring to espresso.
2 - GPS. I cannot navigate to save my life. So let's hope that B-movie never gets written.
3 - My cat that I literally found in a gutter.
4 - Afrin. Got hooked on this stuff in college and never looked back. Trying to wean myself off would result in a nightmarish, Trainspotting-esque weekend.
5 - Henley shirts. Available at friggin' Target!
6 - I was really tempted to write "U & YOU'R LOVE!!!1" as a joke but wondered how seriously it would be taken. The later at night I write these profiles, the less of a filter I have....
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Are half the Austin profiles written by the same person, and how much does she/he charge for all these "painfully eccentric" bios? I want in on that racket. Otherwise, I'm suspicious that you actually have a pet chinchilla you named Winston Chur-nchilla.

What the hell is "go mudding?" I see women on here saying they like guys who "go mudding." Feel free to break the ice by explaining this phenomenon to me.

Why do people from 4+ hours away message me just to say, "I live in (Dallas/Kansas/Kuala Lumpur) but I liked the profile, good luck!" Just. Just don't.

I see lots of women looking for "southern gentlemen" on here, and this is all I can think of:
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
I'm big on pub trivia if anyone knows what that is, and I'm hereby challenging you to get enough whiskey sours into me to participate in karaoke (any place that serves Moscow mules or 512 Pecan Porter is another safe bet).

I also love Master Pancake at the Alamo Drafthouse and will see anything showing at the Violet Crown. Dat four-hour validated parking!

Or, I just might be the one man sitting in San Antonio's Bijou Theater who's not eligible for Medicaid. It's a theater inside an abandoned, neon-orange mall where the elderly go to fall asleep (or potentially fool around) to Wes Anderson movies. If you've been there, you're nodding in agreement right now.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I would buy a bookstore-scented candle. That exact combination of coffee, glue, paper, and baked goods is like some kind of mood-enhancing pheromone.

I spent the first 25 years of my life here:

I'm really 5'8'' and 1/2. There's no option for that, but some of you are damned picky about height* so I'd better come clean until platform shoes are back in vogue.

*I've NOW started encountering profiles where women list the cutoff BMI% for men allowed to talk to them. Don't they know all the six-packs and half-raised Ed Hardy shirts migrated to Tinder by now? Silly ladies.

--I'm really over Grumpy Cat.
--I could probably benefit from some light corrupting.
--Liz Lemon really is my celebrity soul mate. I want to buy her all the mozzarella sticks.
--Okay, I could definitely benefit from some light corrupting.
--I'm 99% certain I showed up to an OkCupid encounter with a conspicuous tuft of cat hair somewhere on my person. My car seats have it out for me.
--If you "toss" me anything, be it keys or -- God forbid -- a ball of some sort, I'll probably just look at the ground confused as to why that happened.
--I did smoke a hookah once. It was like OD'ing on a Glade® PlugIn®.
--I once hyperextended my knee exiting a Shipley Donuts and wound up in a brace for three weeks. That really happened. I have a legit donut injury story. But, sadly, no donut injury scar to lend any badassery to it.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
A) You've got a fetish for neurotic eggshell-tinted white guys in black sweaters you need out of your system.

B) You're roughly within that 1.5-hour traveling radius between Austin and San Antonio. There's a place or event or just a restaurant you'd like to check out in Austin but you need a companion. Or you'll be in San Antonio, doing the same.

C) You're nice, and you're imperfect, but you still like yourself. You're awkward and you run with it, and the thought of us having a nervous, stumbling conversation is more intriguing than irritating. Bonus points if you smell clean.

D) Having your past squarely in the past would be a huge win. That guitarist with the Dublin accent from that magical semester abroad probably isn't touring here again.

E) You've found a (non-ironic) grammatical error and have the burning need to school me. I can take it. Plus it's for my own good.

Regards, Best Wishes, and (I guess) Go Spurs or something?