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32 M San Antonio, TX

I’m looking for

  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 20–40
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For long-term dating, short-term dating

My Details

Last Online
Online now!
5′ 9″ (1.75m)
Body Type
A little extra
Agnosticism, and laughing about it
Leo, but it doesn’t matter
Graduated from university
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Strictly monogamous
Doesn’t have kids
Likes dogs and has cats
English (Fluently)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I cater to the "act out an unresolved crush on your English professor" crowd. It's an unwritten OkCupid rule that I promise how "laid back & chill" I am, but -- full disclosure -- I've been called "charmingly high strung."

Part of me's looking to date more in the Austin area (I'm a bit more suited to that city and its demographic than SA).

TL;DR Version:
--coffee-inhaling former English lit student (of the non-hipster variety. That is to say: I lean left but try not to look homeless on purpose).

--carnivorous, but vegan-friendly, if one of your turn-ons is "guy to eat kale with." Off hours, though, I'm a grown man who takes his nutritional cues from Liz Lemon.

--I'm known to foster wayward cats from time to time. Sorry/not sorry. I've got the hookup on Zyrtec if we really hit it off.

--originally from Thibodaux, Louisiana, which a guidebook accurately described as "a charmless oil town." Think Mayberry, but soggier, and every few years the town is almost dragged into the ocean.

--I really will eat an entire plate of kale. No foolin'.

Also: if you're all about Crossfit and Bikram, my sincerest congrats, but I live a very donut-positive lifestyle. I also observe nap time.

TL;DR Version of the TL;DR Version:
--Job. Vehicle. Parental influence buffered by 500+ miles.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Day job: I manage the quality control department for a "customer metrics" company. What's "customer metrics"? Why, it's every bit as sexy and dynamic as it sounds (hint: very). I believe the un-aired pilot for Mad Men took place in customer metrics.

Off hours, there's a good chance you'll find me reading, laptopping (now a verb) and nursing my caffeine habit somewhere. I'm doing that right now in fact. My last blood test read: "French Roast."
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
I don't know what a carburetor does (I know it's a car part because it has "car" in it) but I do know that kittens are bottle-fed facing forward or they drown.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I have a habit of leaving home really early for first dates, then parking in a terrible location and nearly missing the actual appointment as I scramble on foot to locate it. So, chances are the first thing you'll notice about me is: "Hey, that guy's out of breath."

I talk with my hands. My eyes apparently get huge on points of emphasis. I keep my beard obsessively, um, beardscaped.

Myers-Briggs also says I'm an introvert (INFP allegedly seeking ENFJ) so chances are there's a ton about me you're not noticing.

In the biopic of my life, I'd be played by Paul Giamatti in a wig.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I hemorrhage cash at any Half Price Books.

Current favorites: Salman Rushdie, Philip Roth, Milan Kundera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Catch-22.
Holdovers from college: John Barth, Don Delillo, Doctorow, Faulkner, Nabokov, Thomas Pynchon (love/hate), Flannery O'Connor.
Not so much into poetry or classical lit, but I smile and fake it. I read my share of nonfiction too, mostly political stuff, especially Matt Taibbi, Chris Hedges, Thomas Frank and Barbara Ehrenreich. I'm currently attempting to read a book on String Theory and Steven Pinkers' series on how the brain works. For science.

Too many to list, I tend to go for more indie, arthouse, foreign, washed down with something incredibly stupid.
Jean-Pierre Jeunet, Paul Thomas Anderson, Lars von Trier, Wes Anderson, The Coen Brothers, Charlie Kaufman / Spike Jonez, Terry Gilliam (earlier), early-to-mid-career Woody Allen (can't vouch for what he's been doing lately...) and Park Chan-Wook. But I also giggled like a manchild through the entirety of Napoleon Dynamite, Superbad, Life of Brian, Waiting for Guffman, and Shaun of the Dead. I've got little patience with rom-coms, torture porn, and superhero 'splosion movies.

I also enjoy really terrible "so bad it's good" stuff as well, so if you know something on par with Troll 2, The Room (I sincerely wish Tommy Wiseau had an entire canon of work), Birdemic, Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky or anything begging for the MST3K treatment, we'll get along.

I might secretly think Mad Men is the best written show currently on TV. Watch me fail miserably as I try my damnedest to redeem Pete Campbell for you.

Other than that, most of my favorite shows are cancelled:
30 Rock, It's Always Sunny, Arrested Development, Curb Your Enthusiasm (Larry David may be my moral/ethical compass), Breaking Bad, Frasier (that's right, Frasier), and I legitimately thought King of the Hill was an incredibly well-done show. Others include: The IT Crowd, Black Books, Stewart and Colbert, Bill Maher, Rachel Maddow (in moderation).
Sorry, ladies: I have a guilty affinity for Family Guy and South Park. I apologize for that. Occasionally, my Y-chromosome asserts itself and can only be lulled by cutaway gags.

"You had me at meat tornado" - Ron Swanson.

--I dislike cilantro, which my tongue reads as toothpaste and grass. You can barely get a waffle in this city without a heap'n help'n of cilantro.
--Fun fact: I find shrimp to be vile, inedible creatures. Surely they must violate some health code somewhere.
--I find wine a chore to drink, but I enjoy stouts, porters, and anything with gin or bourbon in it.

I'm sure we'll find something to enjoy together (or...mutually criticize? I forget how this works. Most people take music way more seriously than I do). If it's hip hop I....might like the album cover? They're usually shiny.

I don't have a "type." In the last 30 minutes, my Spotify shuffle played The Mountain Goats, Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeroes, David Byrne, Alabama Shakes, M. Ward, Dan Mangan, Nina Simone, and two or three white guy indie bands I can't tell apart that all seem to have the word "bear" somewhere in the title. Cause indie. Plus several I wouldn't dare admit on here. You'll just have to date me and catch me in the act.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
1 - Caffeine. When I tell people I'm "doin' shots," I'm usually referring to espresso.
2 - GPS. I cannot navigate to save my life. So let's hope that B-movie never gets written.
3 - My cat that I literally found in a gutter.
4 - Afrin. Got hooked on this stuff in college and never looked back. Trying to wean myself off would result in a nightmarish, Trainspotting-esque weekend.
5 - Henley shirts. Available at friggin' Target!
6 - I was really tempted to write "U & YOU'R LOVE!!!1" as a joke but wondered how seriously it would be taken. The later at night I write these profiles, the less of a filter I have....
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Are half the Austin profiles written by the same person, and how much does she/he charge for all these "painfully eccentric" bios? I want in on that racket. Otherwise, I'm suspicious that you actually have a pet chinchilla you named Winston Chur-nchilla.

When someone says they "don't like drama" I think maybe they tend to create drama.

What the hell is "go mudding?" I see women on here saying they like guys who "go mudding." Feel free to break the ice by explaining this phenomenon to me.

Why do people from 4+ hours away message me just to say, "I live in (Dallas/Kansas/Kuala Lumpur) but I liked the profile, good luck!" Just. Just don't.

I see lots of women looking for "southern gentlemen" on here, and this is all I can think of:
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
I swear I have friends, but they're in bed long before I am. One has forty cats. I'm not even joking about that. My best friend's a cat lady.

I've been trying to be more of a "foodie" (while trying to use less of the word "foodie") in and around San Antonio and Austin.

Or, I just might be the one man sitting in San Antonio's Bijou Theater who's not eligible for Medicaid. It's a theater inside an abandoned, neon-orange mall where the elderly go to fall asleep (or potentially fool around) to Wes Anderson movies. If you've been there, you're nodding in agreement right now.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I would buy a bookstore-scented candle. That exact combination of coffee, glue, paper, and baked goods is like some kind of mood-enhancing pheromone.

I spent the first 25 years of my life here:
That's not movie magic, people. It's a real place.

I'm really 5'8'' and 1/2. There's no option for that, but some of you are damned picky about height, so I'd better come clean until platform shoes are back in vogue.

--I'm really over Grumpy Cat.
--I could probably benefit from some light corrupting.
--Liz Lemon really is my celebrity soul mate. I want to buy her all the mozzarella sticks.
--Okay, I could definitely benefit from some light corrupting.
--I'm 99% certain I showed up to an OkCupid encounter with a conspicuous tuft of cat hair somewhere on my person. My car seats have it out for me.
--If you "toss" me anything, be it keys or -- God forbid -- a ball of some sort, I'll probably just look at the ground confused as to why that happened.
--I did smoke a hookah once. It was like OD'ing on a Glade® PlugIn®.
--I once hyperextended my knee exiting a Shipley Donuts and wound up in a brace for three weeks. That really happened. I have a legit donut injury story. But, sadly, no donut injury scar to lend any badassery to it.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
A) You've got a thing for neurotic eggshell-tinted white guys in black sweaters you need out of your system.

B) You're roughly within that 1.5-hour traveling radius between Austin and San Antonio. There's a place or event or just a restaurant you'd like to check out in Austin but you need a companion. Or you'll be in San Antonio, doing the same.

C) You're nice, and you're imperfect, but you still like yourself. You're awkward and you run with it, and the thought of us having a nervous, stumbling conversation is more intriguing than irritating. Bonus points if you smell clean.

D) Having your past squarely in the past would be a huge win. That guitarist with the Dublin accent from that magical semester abroad prrrrobably isn't touring here again.

E) You've found a (non-ironic) grammatical error and have the burning need to school me. I can take it. Plus, it's for my own good.

F) I once ended a first date with, "Headin' back, eh? Im'-a text'ya!" Then I sorta just ambled to my car, which was blocks away. Why would I make that up? In other words, I'm awkward as hell, but I wear it nicely. Like a short, chubby Hugh Grant. Be okay with that before wasting both our time.

G) I'm not here to break your dry spell or to be your weekend pick-me-up because your sister's getting married or your bestie just had a baby or your ex who was afraid to commit just changed his Facebook status to "engaged to Hooters waitress with beautiful soul." This now requires a disclaimer: if this describes you, best of luck, but take that shit to Tinder.