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32 San Antonio, TX Man


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I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 20–35
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, short-term dating

My details

Last online
Today – 8:01pm
5′ 8″ (1.73m)
Body type
A little extra
Atheism, and laughing about it
Leo, but it doesn’t matter
Graduated from university
Strictly monogamous
Doesn’t have kids
Likes dogs and has cats
English (Fluently)
My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
TL;DR Version:
Books. Cat. Sweaters. INFP. Coffee. Bourbon. Short. Subtitles. Beard. Liberal. Donuts. Other Cat.

TL;DR Version of the TL;DR Version:
Job. Vehicle. Parental influence buffered by 500+ miles.

Full Version:
I hemorrhage cash at any Half Price Books. I inhale coffee to the point where my next blood test will probably read "French Roast." I watch foreign movies to feel cultured then get distracted by the bright color palette. I had to Google the correct spelling of hemorrhage.

I'm carnivorous but vegan-friendly if one of your turn-ons is "guy to eat kale with," but left to my own devices I'm a grown man who takes his nutritional cues from Liz Lemon, so if you're all about Crossfit or Bikram or those "fun runs" with the rainbow-splattered selfies, my sincerest tip o' the hat, but I live a very dessert-positive, bacon-positive, cellulite-positive lifestyle.

I'm an introvert by nature (INFP), but, pro-tip: you can usually loosen us up with booze like anyone else, though keep in mind I'm thirty-something, so the only "shots" I do are espresso. However, take me someplace where the bartender uses real egg whites or serves Moscow mules in a legit copper mug, and you've got my attention (plus free drinks until I remember the tab's still open).

Politically, I'm a square peg. Nowhere near conservative, but my liberalism's not hashtaggingly rabid enough for the under-30 crowd.

Also, this is the part of the profile wherein guys are contractually obligated to point out how "laid back & chill" we are, but -- full disclosure -- I'm way better at pulling off "charmingly high strung." Like a short Hugh Grant who put on a few and misplaced his razor.

My sense of humor's dry, occasionally cynical, playfully self-deprecating, and almost always hyperbolic. In fact, let's play it safe and assume I will offend or confuse you at some point in oblivious, well-intentioned, Michael Scott fashion and save us both the drive? Thanks for reading this far.

Speaking of potential dealbreakers. So, um, hey girl: I'm known to foster wayward cats from time to time (I've got the hookup on Zyrtec if we really hit it off). Bonding with animals recharges and energizes me without the use of a yoga mat. Love me, love my furry, moody, asshole roommates.

Let's attempt to cook things, be pretentious foodies at new restaurants, nurse each other's hangovers, take random day trips to some place your friend Instragrammed, fall asleep to godawful TV, run pointless errands, and (time permitting) maybe bring out the best in each other? Bonus points if you smell clean.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Stretching my paychecks in very inventive ways. I get by. Not-Coach-bag-on-our-three-month-anniversary-getting-by, but pay-for-drinks-without-sneakily-using-a-Groupon-getting-by.

I successfully poached an egg this year. If you want to craft a kitchen night wherein you teach me how to make hollandaise, don't be bluffing because I'm totally showing up with a double boiler. #devilledeggvocate

I swear I'm not a cat hoarder. But I am friends with a cat hoarder. We promised to get married and merge our collections when we hit 40, so ... tick-tock, ladies.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Puns, which means I'm terrible at comedy overall.

I don't know what a carburetor does (I gather it's a car part because it has "car" in it) but I do know that kittens are bottle-fed facing forward or they drown.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I'm short-ish for a guy, so if that's "a thing" ... wear flats or try to slouch? And where are all the short-spirational Tumblrs for guys under six feet? Get on that, internet. (Good work on making "Dadbod" a thing, though. I owe you.)

I'm 90% certain I've shown up to an OkCupid encounter with a conspicuous tuft of animal hair somewhere on my person. My car seats have it out for me.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
A.K.A. "I'll probably respond if you bring up something from here"

top five: One Hundred Years of Solitude -- Catch-22 -- The Tin Drum -- A Confederacy of Dunces -- Light in August
other favorites: Salman Rushdie -- Philip Roth -- Milan Kundera -- John Barth -- Don Delillo -- E. L. Doctorow -- Vladimir Nabokov -- Thomas Pynchon (love/hate) -- Flannery O'Connor.
Nonfiction/politics: Matt Taibbi, Chris Hedges, Thomas Frank and Barbara Ehrenreich. I'm currently attempting to read a book on String Theory and Steven Pinkers' series on how the brain works. For science.

great icebreaker: recommend a book! I will probably actually read it and get back to you.

I'm a movie geek and my tastes are all over the map. I tend to go for indie, arthouse, foreign, washed down afterwards with something incredibly stupid. Here are some movies I could watch again and again:
Amelie -- Annie Hall -- Antichrist -- Barton Fink -- Being John Malkovich -- Birdman -- Black Swan -- Brazil -- City of Lost Children -- The Darjeeling Limited -- Delicatessen -- The Devil's Backbone -- Django Unchained -- Dogville -- Dr. Strangelove -- Ed Wood -- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind -- Fargo -- Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas -- The Fisher King -- The Fountain -- The Grand Budapest Hotel -- Her -- Hot Fuzz -- The Hudsucker Proxy -- Inglorious Basterds -- Inside Llewyn Davis -- Lady Vengeance -- The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou -- The Life of Brian -- Manhattan -- The Man Who Wasn't There -- The Master -- Melancholia -- Midnight in Paris -- Miller's Crossing -- Moonrise Kingdom -- Napoleon Dynamite -- O Brother Whereart Thou -- Oldboy -- Pan's Labyrinth -- Paper Moon -- Punch Drunk Love -- The Royal Tenenbaums -- Rushmore -- The Science of Sleep -- A Serious Man -- Shaun of the Dead -- Synecdoche, New York -- There Will Be Blood -- Tideland -- The Triplets of Bellevile -- A Very Long Engagement -- Waiting for Guffman -- Withnail and I

I also enjoy really terrible "so bad it's good" stuff
(think Troll 2, The Room, Birdemic)

guilty admission: I chuckled audibly throughout The Lego Movie and was right on board the rage train with that Oscar snub.

radio: Welcome to Night Vale is a new obsession.
"drama": Mad Men (watch me fail miserably trying to redeem Pete Campbell for you), Breaking Bad
comedy: 30 Rock -- It's Always Sunny -- Arrested Development -- Curb Your Enthusiasm (Larry David may be my moral/ethical compass) -- Bob's Burgers -- Archer -- Frasier (that's right, Frasier) -- King of the Hill (Bobby's my inner child) -- The IT Crowd -- South Park on weeks when it's actually clever -- 90's-era Simpsons
politics: Stewart and Colbert, Bill Maher, Rachel Maddow (in moderation)

guilty admission #2: I'm occasionally entertained by Seth Macfarlane. I'm truly sorry. That Y-chromosome rears up sometimes and can only be quelled with random cutaway gags (on the plus side, this means I won't judge you for your DVR full of Housewives or RuPaul's Drag Race).

"I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American." - Ron Swanson.

I find wine a chore to drink but enjoy stouts, porters, or anything with gin or bourbon in it. I'm partial to old fashioneds (olds fashioned?)

(I really will eat an entire plate of kale if that's your deal. No foolin'. That said, I'll also pick around cilantro like a five-year-old. It's potpourri masquerading as food.)

I'm sure we'll find something to enjoy together (or...mutually criticize?). If it's hip hop I....might like the album cover. They're usually shiny.

Personal "likes" include Alabama Shakes, Edward Sharpe, M. Ward, Mountain Goats, Dan Mangan, crooners, the soundtrack to Submarine, David Byrne, Black Keys (doesn't everyone put this?) Chopin (makes me feel smart), and a few female artists I won't share here, but keep an eye out for a split-second look of recognition should it play in a bar.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
I think if Tina Belcher wrote one of her erotic fanfictions where Liz Lemon hooked up with Nick from The New Girl, our relationship would be kinda like that. Apologies in advance.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Well...this until things heat up.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I've got tons of closet geek hobbies I'm terrific at hiding. But, ah, you go first...<"cough">Mario<"/cough"> what?

I once hyperextended my knee exiting a Shipley Donuts. I was in a brace for three weeks. I have an actual donut injury story (but, sadly, no badass donut injury scar)

I could maybe benefit from some light corrupting.

If you "toss" me anything, be it keys or -- God forbid -- a sportsball of some sort, I'll probably be confused as to what just happened.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You've got an unresolved thing for your English teacher you need out of your system. You're awkward, and you run with it. You need a partner for pub trivia. You're sick of eating that night cheese platter alone. I seem like someone you would actually date (We introverts don't tend to "collect" platonic pals just to meet quota).

I rarely send out messages on here so ... I don't know. Ask me about what cat litter I use or something.

Or let's talk about how much we both hate running.