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32 M San Antonio, TX

My Details

Last Online
Yesterday – 10:46pm
5′ 9″ (1.75m)
Body Type
Agnosticism, and laughing about it
Leo, but it doesn’t matter
Graduated from university
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Strictly monogamous
Doesn’t have kids
Likes dogs and has cats
English (Fluently)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I tend to cater to the "act out an unresolved crush on your English professor" crowd. Is that a thing? It's also an unwritten rule of OkCupid that I promise you how "laid back & chill" I am. How's this: I've been called "charmingly high strung." My last blood test read: "Italian Roast." I like to think of myself as "bohemian in spirit but not a filthy hippie." That is to say: I groom.

TL;DR Version:
--left-leaning, coffee-inhaling, former English lit student. But ... you know ... not the insufferable, punch-able kind. Really.

--carnivorous, but vegan-friendly, if one of your turn-ons is "guy to eat kale with." Off hours, though, I'm a grown man who takes his nutritional cues from Liz Lemon.

--"confirmed agnostic." If you're religious, though, I probably have enough leftover Catholic guilt for us to squeak by.

--Yes, I have a cat. Sorry/not sorry. I've got the hookup on Zyrtec if we really hit it off.

--originally from Louisiana. It's nothing you've seen on True Blood but everything you've seen on Swamp People. Think Mayberry, but soggier, and every few years the town is almost dragged into the ocean.

--Job. Vehicle. Parental influence buffered by 500+ miles.

--I really will eat an entire plate of kale. No foolin'.

--I have a few borderline geeky habits too, but I keep them under wraps unless I'm among fellow travelers. Would you kindly forget you heard that?

My "type?"
I'll usually respond to anyone and have made some very close platonic friends on this site. Romantically, I tend hit it off with people who are at least one of the following: self-proclaimed geeks, intellectuals, awkward types, "artsy" types, cynics-in-the-playful-sense, people who think outside of "old fashioned" roles, etc.

Of course, feel free to test out that whole "opposites attract" thing on me. It's happened before with not-entirely-unpleasant results. (Except for the grooming. I like that).

Also: if you're all about Crossfit and Bikram, my sincerest congrats, but welcome to my friend zone. Everyone else: your cellulite is safe here. I live a very donut-positive lifestyle. I consider it a successful weekend if I've somehow worked a cheese danish in there at some point.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Day job: I manage the quality control department for a "customer metrics" office in San Antonio. What's "customer metrics"? Why, it's every bit as sexy and dynamic as it sounds (hint: very). I believe the un-aired pilot for Mad Men took place in customer metrics.

Off hours, there's a good chance you'll find me reading, laptopping (now a verb) and nursing my caffeine habit somewhere. I'm doing that right now in fact. Teachable moment: caffeine addicts should not be given punch cards. This enables and encourages us.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Subject-verb agreement.

I've been accused of having too much empathy for my own good. Apparently I'm not the brooding cynic I aspire to be. Myers-Briggs says I'm "a healer."

I don't know what a carburetor does (I know it's a car part because it has "car" in it) but I do know that kittens are bottle-fed facing forward or they drown.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I am not a dudebro.

I'm told I talk with my hands. My eyes apparently get huge on points of emphasis. My smile's been called "friendly," so it's doing its job. I keep my beard obsessively neat. I suspect Austin friends will try to tempt me to go "full bird's nest," but I've got resolve. I'm all about beardscaping.

Myers-Briggs also says I'm an introvert so chances are there's a ton about me you're not noticing.

In the biopic of my life, I'd be played by Paul Giamatti in a wig.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I was an English major so books were once a huge part of my routine. I still hemorrhage cash at any Half Price Books.

Here's some name-drops for those who care: A Confederacy of Dunces --- Catch-22 --- John Barth -- E. L. Doctorow --- Don Delillo, --- Phillip Roth -- William Faulkner (Light in August is my favorite) --- One Hundred Years of Solitude --- The Tin Drum --- some Kafka --- Vladimir Nabokov --- *some* Thomas Pynchon (it's love/hate)--- some Ishmael Reed and Salman Rushdie. Not so much into poetry or classical lit, but I smile and fake it. I read my share of nonfiction too, mostly political stuff, especially Matt Taibbi, Chris Hedges, Thomas Frank and Barbara Ehrenreich. I'm currently attempting to read a book on String Theory and Steven Pinkers' series on how the brain works. For science.

More name-droppng: Jean-Pierre Jeunet, Paul Thomas Anderson, Lars von Trier, Wes Anderson, The Coen Brothers, Charlie Kaufman / Spike Jonez, Terry Gilliam, early-to-mid-career Woody Allen (can't vouch for what he's been doing lately...) and Park Chan-Wook. But I also giggled like a manchild through the entirety of Napoleon Dynamite, Superbad, Life of Brian, Waiting for Guffman, and Shaun of the Dead. Though I've got little patience with rom-coms, torture porn, and superhero 'splosion movies.

I also enjoy really terrible "so bad it's good" stuff as well, so if you know something on par with Troll 2, The Room (I sincerely wish Tommy Wiseau had an entire canon of work), Birdemic, Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky or anything begging for the MST3K treatment, we'll get along.

I might secretly think Mad Men is the best written show currently on TV. Watch me fail miserably as I try my damnedest to redeem Pete Campbell for you.

Other than that, most of my favorite shows are cancelled:
30 Rock --- It's Always Sunny -- Arrested Development --- Curb Your Enthusiasm -- Breaking Bad -- Frasier (that's right, Frasier) -- and I legitimately thought King of the Hill was an incredibly well-done show. I will say I've started to enjoy The IT Crowd and Black Books but I'm very new. I'm also one of those people who won't shut up about how Community and Parks and Rec used to be better. I enjoy Stewart and Colbert when I actually catch them, as well as the occasional political commentary from Rachel Maddow or Bill Maher, but all things in moderation.

Sorry, ladies: I have a guilty affinity for Family Guy and South Park. I apologize for that. Occasionally, my Y-chromosome asserts itself and can only be lulled by cutaway gags.

"You had me at meat tornado" - Ron Swanson.

I enjoy discovering local mom-n-pops and fancier places alike. I especially like food trucks but wish they drove to me instead. I would hand them a small fortune for door-to-door brisket. I do have these few caveats:

--I dislike cilantro, which my tongue reads as toothpaste and grass. You can barely get a waffle in this city without a heap'n help'n of cilantro.
--Fun fact: I find shrimp to be vile, inedible creatures. Surely they must violate some health code somewhere.
--I find wine a chore to drink, but I enjoy stouts, porters, and anything with gin or bourbon in it.

"All of 'em?" Show me what music moves or affects you, and I can probably find something to like about it. If it's hip hop I....might like the album cover? They're usually shiny.

Having grown up in a soggy, shrimp-infested, pop-cultural no man's land, I haven't been to many concerts, but I'll happily tag along.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
1 - Caffeine. When I tell people I'm "doin' shots," I'm usually referring to espresso.
2 - GPS. I cannot navigate to save my life. So let's hope that B-movie never gets written.
3 - My cat that I literally found in a gutter.
4 - Afrin. Got hooked on this stuff in college and never looked back. Trying to wean myself off would result in a nightmarish, Trainspotting-esque weekend.
5 - Henley shirts. Available at friggin' Target!
6 - I was really tempted to write "U & YOU'R LOVE!!!1" as a joke but wondered how seriously it would be taken. The later at night I write these profiles, the less of a filter I have....
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
What the hell is "go mudding?" I see women on here saying they like guys who "go mudding." Feel free to break the ice by explaining this phenomenon to me. I feel like it's something those goofy men's rights activists from Reddit do on their weekends, but I'll let you clue me in.

Why do people from 4+ hours away message me just to say, "I live in (Dallas/Kansas/Kuala Lumpur) but I liked the profile, good luck!" Just. Just don't.

These profiles that end in 6969 ... they're fake accounts right? Like some kind of OkCupid "control group?" Or a new kind of performance art?

I see lots of women looking for "southern gentlemen" on here, and this is all I can think of:
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
I'm big on pub trivia if anyone knows what that is, and I'm hereby challenging you to get enough whiskey sours into me to participate in karaoke (any place that serves Moscow mules or 512 Pecan Porter is another safe bet).

I also love Master Pancake at the Alamo Drafthouse and will see anything showing at the Violet Crown. Dat four-hour validated parking!

Or, I just might be the one man sitting in San Antonio's Bijou Theater who's not eligible for Medicaid. It's a theater inside an abandoned, neon-orange mall where the elderly go to fall asleep (or potentially fool around) to Wes Anderson movies. If you've been there, you're nodding in agreement right now.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I'm really 5'8'' and 1/2. There's no option for that, but some of you are damned picky about height so I'd better come clean until platform shoes are back in vogue.

I spent the first 25 years of my life here:

--I could probably benefit from some light corrupting.
--Liz Lemon really is my celebrity soul mate. I want to buy her all the mozzarella sticks.
--Larry David's my hero and my moral/ethical compass.
--I am legitimately entertained by Groucho Marx.
--Okay, I could definitely benefit from some light corrupting.
--I'm 99% certain I showed up to an OkCupid encounter with a conspicuous tuft of cat hair somewhere on my person. My car seats have it out for me.
--If you "toss" me anything, be it keys or -- God forbid -- a ball of some sort, I'll probably just look at the ground confused as to why that happened.
--I did smoke a hookah once. It was like OD'ing on a Glade® PlugIn®.
--I once hyperextended my knee exiting a Shipley Donuts and wound up in a brace for three weeks. That really happened. I have a legit donut injury story. But, sadly, no donut injury scar to lend any shred of badassery to it.
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 26–38
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
A) You've got a fetish for neurotic eggshell-tinted white guys in black sweaters you need out of your system.

B) you're roughly within that 1.5-hour traveling radius between Austin and San Antonio. There's a place or event or just a restaurant you'd like to check out in Austin but you need a companion. Or you'll be in San Antonio, doing the same.

C) You're nice, and you're imperfect, but you still like yourself. You're awkward and you run with it, and the thought of us having a nervous, stumbling conversation is more intriguing than annoying. Bonus points if you smell clean.

D) Having your past squarely in the past would be a huge win. That guitarist with the Dublin accent from that magical semester abroad probably isn't touring here again.

Regards, Best Wishes, and (I guess) Go Spurs or something?

Also: I sense an overwhelming "I hate getting messages!" vibe from most of the profiles on here, so you'll probably not hear from me unless I hear from you. Cost-benefit and all that.