Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Books. Cat. Sweaters. INFP. Coffee. Bourbon. Short. Subtitles.
Beard. Liberal. Donuts. Other Cat.
TL;DR Version of the TL;DR Version:
Job. Vehicle. Parental influence buffered by 500+ miles.
I hemorrhage cash at any Half Price Books. I inhale coffee to the
point where my next blood test will probably read "French Roast." I
watch foreign movies to feel cultured then get distracted by the
bright color palette. I had to Google the correct spelling of
I'm carnivorous but vegan-friendly if one of your turn-ons is "guy
to eat kale with," but left to my own devices I'm a grown man who
takes his nutritional cues from Liz Lemon, so if you're all about
Crossfit or Bikram or those "fun runs" with the rainbow-splattered
selfies, my sincerest tip o' the hat, but I live a very
dessert-positive, bacon-positive, cellulite-positive
I'm an introvert by nature (INFP), but, pro-tip: you can usually
loosen us up with booze like anyone else, though keep in mind I'm
thirty-something, so the only "shots" I do are espresso. However,
take me someplace where the bartender uses real egg whites or
serves Moscow mules in a legit copper mug, and you've got my
attention (plus free drinks until I remember the tab's still
Also, this is the part of the profile wherein guys are
contractually obligated to point out how "laid back & chill" we
are, but -- full disclosure -- I'm way better at pulling off
"charmingly high strung." Like a short Hugh Grant who put on a few
and misplaced his razor.
My sense of humor's dry, occasionally cynical, playfully
self-deprecating, and almost always hyperbolic. In fact, let's play
it safe and assume I will offend or confuse you at some
point in oblivious, well-intentioned, Michael Scott fashion and
save us both the drive? Thanks for reading this far.
Speaking of potential dealbreakers. So, um, hey girl: I'm known to
foster wayward cats from time to time (I've got the hookup on
Zyrtec if we really hit it off). Bonding with animals recharges and
energizes me without the use of a yoga mat. Love me, love my furry,
moody, asshole roommates.
Let's attempt to cook things, be pretentious foodies at new
restaurants, nurse each other's hangovers, take random day trips to
some place your friend Instragrammed, fall asleep to godawful TV,
run pointless errands, and (time permitting) maybe bring out the
best in each other? Bonus points if you smell clean.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Stretching my paychecks in very inventive ways. I get by.
I successfully poached an egg this year. If you want to craft a
kitchen night wherein you teach me how to make hollandaise, don't
be bluffing because I'm totally showing up with a double boiler.
I swear I'm not a cat hoarder. But I am friends with a cat
hoarder. We promised to get married and merge our collections when
we hit 40, so ... tick-tock, ladies.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Puns, which means I'm terrible at comedy overall.
I don't know what a carburetor does (I gather it's a car part
because it has "car" in it) but I do know that kittens are
bottle-fed facing forward or they drown.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I'm short-ish for a guy, so if that's "a thing" ... wear flats or
try to slouch? And where are all the short-spirational
Tumblrs for guys under six feet? Get on that, internet.
I'm 90% certain I've shown up to an OkCupid encounter with a
conspicuous tuft of animal hair somewhere on my person. My car
seats have it out for me.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
A.K.A. "I'll probably respond if you bring up something from
top five: One Hundred Years of Solitude -- Catch-22 -- The
Tin Drum -- A Confederacy of Dunces -- Light in August
other favorites: Salman Rushdie -- Philip Roth -- Milan
Kundera -- John Barth -- Don Delillo -- E. L. Doctorow -- Vladimir
Nabokov -- Thomas Pynchon (love/hate) -- Flannery O'Connor.
Nonfiction/politics: Matt Taibbi, Chris Hedges, Thomas Frank
and Barbara Ehrenreich. I'm currently attempting to read a book on
String Theory and Steven Pinkers' series on how the brain works.
great icebreaker: recommend a book! I will probably actually
read it and get back to you.
I'm a movie geek and my tastes are all over the map. I tend to go
for indie, arthouse, foreign, washed down afterwards with something
incredibly stupid. Here are some movies I could watch again and
Amelie -- Annie Hall -- Antichrist -- Barton Fink -- Being John
Malkovich -- Birdman -- Black Swan -- Brazil -- City of Lost
Children -- The Darjeeling Limited -- Delicatessen -- The Devil's
Backbone -- Django Unchained -- Dogville -- Dr. Strangelove -- Ed
Wood -- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind -- Fargo -- Fear and
Loathing in Las Vegas -- The Fisher King -- The Fountain -- The
Grand Budapest Hotel -- Her -- Hot Fuzz -- The Hudsucker Proxy --
Inglorious Basterds -- Inside Llewyn Davis -- Lady Vengeance -- The
Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou -- The Life of Brian -- Manhattan --
The Man Who Wasn't There -- The Master -- Melancholia -- Midnight
in Paris -- Miller's Crossing -- Moonrise Kingdom -- Napoleon
Dynamite -- O Brother Whereart Thou -- Oldboy -- Pan's Labyrinth --
Paper Moon -- Punch Drunk Love -- The Royal Tenenbaums -- Rushmore
-- The Science of Sleep -- A Serious Man -- Shaun of the Dead --
Synecdoche, New York -- There Will Be Blood -- Tideland -- The
Triplets of Bellevile -- A Very Long Engagement -- Waiting for
Guffman -- Withnail and I
I also enjoy really terrible "so bad it's good" stuff
(think Troll 2, The Room, Birdemic)
guilty admission: I chuckled audibly throughout The Lego Movie and
was right on board the rage train with that Oscar snub.
TELEVISION / PODCASTS:
radio: Welcome to Night Vale is a new obsession.
"drama": Mad Men (watch me fail miserably trying to redeem
Pete Campbell for you), Breaking Bad
comedy: 30 Rock -- It's Always Sunny -- Arrested Development
-- Curb Your Enthusiasm (Larry David may be my moral/ethical
compass) -- Bob's Burgers -- Archer -- Frasier (that's right,
Frasier) -- King of the Hill (Bobby's my inner child) -- The IT
Crowd -- South Park on weeks when it's actually clever -- 90's-era
politics: Stewart and Colbert, Bill Maher, Rachel Maddow (in
guilty admission #2: I'm occasionally entertained by Seth
Macfarlane. I'm truly sorry. That Y-chromosome rears up sometimes
and can only be quelled with random cutaway gags (on the plus side,
this means I won't judge you for your DVR full of Housewives or
RuPaul's Drag Race).
"I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz
porterhouse. I am going to consume all of this at the same time
because I am a free American." - Ron Swanson.
I find wine a chore to drink but enjoy stouts, porters, or anything
with gin or bourbon in it. I'm partial to old fashioneds (olds
(I really will eat an entire plate of kale if that's your deal. No
foolin'. That said, I'll also pick around cilantro like a
five-year-old. It's potpourri masquerading as food.)
I'm sure we'll find something to enjoy together (or...mutually
criticize?). If it's hip hop I....might like the album cover.
They're usually shiny.
Personal "likes" include Alabama Shakes, Edward Sharpe, M. Ward,
Mountain Goats, Dan Mangan, crooners, the soundtrack to Submarine,
David Byrne, Black Keys (doesn't everyone put this?) Chopin (makes
me feel smart), and a few female artists I won't share here, but
keep an eye out for a split-second look of recognition should it
play in a bar.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
I think if Tina Belcher wrote one of her erotic fanfictions where
Liz Lemon hooked up with Nick from The New Girl, our relationship
would be kinda like that. Apologies in advance.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Well...this until things heat up.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I've got tons of closet geek hobbies I'm terrific at hiding. But,
ah, you go first...<"cough">Mario<"/cough"> what?
I once hyperextended my knee exiting a Shipley Donuts. I was in a
brace for three weeks. I have an actual donut injury story (but,
sadly, no badass donut injury scar)
I could maybe benefit from some light corrupting.
If you "toss" me anything, be it keys or -- God forbid -- a
sportsball of some sort, I'll probably be confused as to what just
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You've got an unresolved thing for your English teacher you need
out of your system. You're awkward, and you run with it. You need a
partner for pub trivia. You're sick of eating that night cheese
platter alone. I seem like someone you would actually date
(We introverts don't tend to "collect" platonic pals just to meet
I rarely send out messages on here so ... I don't know. Ask
me about what cat litter I use or something.
Or let's talk about how much we both hate running.
Who are you looking for?
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