Find better matches with our advanced
matching system

—% Match
—% Enemy


33 San Antonio, TX Man


Similar users

I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 20–35
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, short-term dating

My details

Last online
Yesterday – 6:08pm
Relationship Type
Strictly monogamous
5' 8" (1.73m)
Body Type
A little extra
Atheism and laughing about it
Doesn’t have kids
Has cats
English (Fluently)
My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
At this point, I think I just want someone to eat the other half of the pizza. For my own good. Is it you I'm looking for?

TL;DR Version:
Books. Cat*. Sweaters. INFP. Coffee. Awkward. Bourbon. Short. Subtitles. Beard. Liberal. Donuts. Other Cat.

*Dog compatible.

TL;DR Version of the TL;DR Version:
Job. Vehicle. Parental influence buffered by 500+ miles.

Full Version:
I hemorrhage cash at any Half Price Books. I inhale coffee to the point where my next blood test will probably read "French Roast." I watch foreign movies to feel cultured then get distracted by the bright color palette. I had to Google the correct spelling of hemorrhage.

I'm carnivorous but vegan-friendly if one of your turn-ons is "guy to eat kale with," but left to my own devices I'm a grown man who takes his nutritional cues from Liz Lemon. I live a very dessert-positive, bacon-positive, cellulite-positive lifestyle.

I'm an introvert by nature (INFP), but, pro-tip: you can usually loosen us up with booze like anyone else, though keep in mind I'm thirty-something, so the only "shots" I do are espresso.

Also, this is the part of the profile wherein guys are contractually obligated to point out how "laid back & chill" we are, but -- full disclosure -- I'm way better at pulling off "charmingly high strung." Like a short Hugh Grant who put on a few and misplaced his razor.

My sense of humor's dry, occasionally cynical, playfully self-deprecating, and almost always hyperbolic. In fact, let's play it safe and assume I will offend or confuse you at some point in oblivious, well-intentioned, Michael Scott fashion and save us both the drive? Thanks for reading this far.

Speaking of potential dealbreakers. So, um, hey girl: I'm known to foster wayward cats from time to time (I've got the hookup on Zyrtec if we really hit it off).

Let's attempt to cook things, be pretentious foodies at new restaurants, nurse each other's hangovers, take random day trips to some place your friend Instragrammed, fall asleep to godawful TV, run pointless errands, and (time permitting) maybe bring out the best in each other? Bonus points if you smell clean.

Must at least tolerate animals, lean somewhat left, and be perfectly okay with the fact that Caitlyn Jenner got a courage award. Non-religious preferred. People should describe you as "empathetic." No health nuts please.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
I don't know what a carburetor does (I gather it's a car part because it has "car" in it) but I do know that kittens are bottle-fed facing forward or they drown.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I'm 90% certain I've shown up to an OkCupid encounter with a conspicuous tuft of animal hair somewhere on my person. My car seats have it out for me.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
top five: One Hundred Years of Solitude -- Catch-22 -- The Tin Drum -- A Confederacy of Dunces -- Light in August
other favorites: Salman Rushdie -- Philip Roth -- Milan Kundera -- John Barth -- Don Delillo -- E. L. Doctorow -- Vladimir Nabokov -- Thomas Pynchon (love/hate) -- Flannery O'Connor.
Nonfiction/politics: Matt Taibbi, Chris Hedges, Thomas Frank and Barbara Ehrenreich. I'm currently attempting to read a book on String Theory and Steven Pinkers' series on how the brain works. For science.

I'm a movie geek and my tastes are all over the map. I tend to go for indie, arthouse, foreign, washed down afterwards with something incredibly stupid. Favorites are Wes Anderson, Jean-Pierre Jeunet, Coen Brothers, Lars von Trier, P. T. Anderson, Guillermo del Toro, early-to-mid-career Woody Allen, "Sundance-y" stuff, but also Christopher Guest comedies (Waiting for Guffman, anyone?), the Simon Pegg/Nick Frost movies (Hot Fuzz, et al), and "dumb" comedies in the Napoleon Dynamite/Superbad vein when the mood strikes. I like the occasional horror but more psychological/suspense, less torture porn.

I also enjoy really terrible "so bad it's good" stuff
(think Troll 2, The Room, Birdemic)

guilty admission: I chuckled audibly throughout The Lego Movie

radio: Welcome to Night Vale is a new obsession.
"drama": Mad Men (watch me fail miserably trying to redeem Pete Campbell for you), Breaking Bad, Hannibal (RIP), The Leftovers, Orphan Black, Hum∀ns, Bloodline, True Detective (S1)
comedy: 30 Rock -- It's Always Sunny -- Arrested Development -- Curb Your Enthusiasm (Larry David may be my moral/ethical compass) -- Bob's Burgers -- Archer -- Frasier (that's right, Frasier) -- King of the Hill (Bobby's my inner child) -- The IT Crowd -- South Park on weeks when it's actually clever -- 90's-era Simpsons
politics: Stewart and Colbert, Bill Maher, Rachel Maddow (in moderation)

guilty admission #2: I'm occasionally entertained by Seth Macfarlane. I'm truly sorry. That Y-chromosome rears up sometimes and can only be quelled with random cutaway gags (on the plus side, this means I won't judge you for your DVR full of Housewives or RuPaul's Drag Race).

I find wine a chore to drink but enjoy stouts, porters, or anything with gin or bourbon in it. I'm partial to old fashioneds (olds fashioned?)

(I really will eat an entire plate of kale if that's your deal. No foolin'. That said, I'll also pick around cilantro like a five-year-old.)
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
I think if Tina Belcher wrote one of her erotic fanfictions where Liz Lemon hooked up with Nick from The New Girl, our relationship would be kinda like that. Apologies in advance.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I once hyperextended my knee exiting a Shipley Donuts. I was in a brace for three weeks. I have an actual donut injury story (but, sadly, no badass donut injury scar)

I could maybe benefit from some light corrupting. Do with that what you will.

If you "toss" me anything, be it keys or -- God forbid -- a sportsball of some sort, I'll probably be confused as to what just happened.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You've got an unresolved thing for an old English teacher you need out of your system. You're awkward, and you run with it. You need a partner for pub trivia. You're sick of eating that night cheese platter alone.

Or let's talk about how much we both hate running.