I'm realizing that my oldest daughter's love language is becoming "Words of Affirmation". That's always been one that's been hard for me to do, it requires effort and thinking instead of effortlessly flowing. Not being able to do it well has led to the end of several relationships, and I understand the consequences of not being able to give in that regard.

And now I have even more important reason to keep working on that, so that she will understand what it feels like to be truly loved in the way that means the most to her.

I can't help it, even though I should know better. Last night at bedtime my youngest is sharing that she feels frustrated and sad when her two best friends are so deep in a conversation she gets ignored. First instinct is to immediately see that as a problem to solve, and not an opportunity to get to know my daughter better, and ask more questions.

*sigh* I suppose I should be happy that I noticed at all that something was bothering her:)

Last week someone browsed my profile and took the time to comment to me that it was obvious that my kids were #1 in my life, therefore what was the point in looking for a mate.

I was somewhat surprised by that, and responded with the following:

"Perhaps I meant to show that my commitment to my girls is very important to me. It's a red flag for me when someone puts in their profile "My kids are my first priority". People who put others first all the time either don't realize that isn't sustainable, or likely have co-dependency issues.

Than again, maybe I put that in there to weed out the needy ones that wouldn't be able to share affection. (Not being sarcastic either, some people grow up believing that being loved 'more' is important.)

Most likely, I'm demonstrating I'm a deeply caring person, who is self aware and aware of others, and is looking to share that with someone special..."

Her response was less than cordial. Stuff like that used to bother me a lot, now it just bothers me a little. Mainly because I can count myself lucky I've avoided trying to please someone who would be unpleasable...

When I ask my kids to explain the golden rule, I usually get the negative version: "Don't hurt others, because I don't like to be hurt". Doing a little research, that definition maps pretty closely to the oldest known expressions of the concept. Lately I've been thinking about the more modern "Do unto others..." version, which relies a bit more on faith. It also has a side-benefit as well. Living your life basing moral decisions on how you would want to be treated makes a lot of life's dilemmas instant no-brainers. Additionally, it telegraphs to others the things you enjoy.

If you enjoy hugs, but are afraid to offer them, it encourages you to set aside that fear. And once you do, you will find your circle of friends shift slightly, as those that enjoy and appreciate hugs as much as you are drawn closer, and those who do not enjoy touch as much step back.

There is a school of thought out there which subscribes to the notion that there are only two emotions, love, and hate. Everything else: anger, happiness, jealousy, sadness, joy, fear, are all just shades of that base pair. Black and white.

Is the world really so simple that it can be classified so easily?

I think of it as an exercise, to help me decide between all of those grey feelings in the middle. The ones that at the start are so indistinguishable from each other they simply muddle together. It takes a fair bit of concentration, but if I concentrate (increase the contrast for you photochoppers out there) eventually I figure out black vs. white. And from there I can get to the important stuff: Why do I feel that way. And why?