The only thing soft in my life are a few animals that don't belong to me. Some are cats, some are humans, a few are both.
Pros: Opens package without damaging contents. Deathless. Pleasantly delusional. I have a career that kids say they want to grow up to do, which is ironic because I might be as old as they are.
Cons: Kitchen is perpetual arson scene. The other day I cooked and couldn't figure out where the food ended and the plate began, so I dumped it in the toilet to cut out the middle man. Also, I refuse shrill entreaties demanding arachnid murder. I prefer to handcuff them and set them loose, into the wilderness. I don't have a television so I scry the horrified faces of everyone I meet to get my stories of the world. I can't recollect the day I was born but I suspect I've worn this meat for approximately 12,500 days, give or take.
Tell me your best ghost story. I don't care if it don't have any ghosts in it, people are weirder anyway.