If you can handle being complimented and being called a butthole in the same sentence, then message me.
I'm super fucking needy. Give me all sorts of attention and affection.
Above all else, I crave substantial conversation. Whether it be about movies, books, pop culture, or dumb immature jokes and bullshit... I NEED someone with an attractive mind. Sarcastic, clever, passionate, doesn't take themselves too seriously, that sort of thing.
And let me just put this out there... being a responsible adult does not mean that you have to be a boring, uptight asshole about life.
I'm basically just looking for something that's starting to seem unattainable. I want a girlfriend I can be best friends with and watch movies and say dumb shit and laugh with but also be able to have long makeout sessions and squeeze each others butts and cuddle. Is that too much to ask?
Also, I have an 8 year old son (who recently moved out of my house to his moms, but still visits me all the time) and a year old daughter (who lives with her mom). They are my life. You don't really need to worry about them though, because you won't have any interaction with them. (Unless you count liking pictures of them on Instagram interaction.)
Cooking! I am so good at cooking.
Making fun of everything.
Did I mention talking?
TV Shows - The Walking Dead, The Kroll Show, Tosh.0, Regular Show, Adventure Time, Twin Peaks, Bobs Burgers, Rick & Morty, The Twilight Zone.
Books I generally like anything by Stephen King or Frank Miller.
I have the most widespread, eclectic music taste ever of all time. Punk, 80's, rap, new wave, acoustic, I listen to everything. The only kinds of music i really despise are scrramo and country. I also have an affinity for really terrible pop music.
1. Nice pair of shoes (if it's winter, exclusively Doc Martens)
2. YouTube (I need to be able to look up obscure TV show themes at a moments notice)
3. Some sort of energy drink
4. My cellular telephone
5. A well kept stock of black t-shirts
6. Good lighting for selfies
Elvis Aaron Presley.
Or the fact that I have a "guys I would do if I had to" list. Ryan Gosling and Joseph Gordon Levitt are at the top currently. Chris Pratt totally definitely also. But only if I like... had to.
(I'd much rather you be crazy and interesting than safe and boring.)
If you have tattoos and/or piercings (Septum mmm) which sounds shallow as shit, but of course isn't a requirement.
If you'll make intentionally ugly faces with me on Snapchat. (ShaunButt)
If you don't mind my addiction to Instagram. (@gooniesneeeversaydie)
If you think people watching is one of the greatest forms of entertainment ever created and want to help me make fun of everyone.
If you're weird. The weirder the better.
I can't stress this enough...ONLY IF YOU CAN HOLD A CONVERSATION. I talk a lot but can only do so much with "okay" and "lol"
If your eyebrow game is on point.
If you need someone to appreciate how hilarious you are since the rest of the world seems to not understand how funny bad puns and sarcasm are.
I can't believe that I really have to even say this but DON'T message me if you're racist or homophobic or any other kind of ignorant crap.