I'm simple but people think I'm deep. I love to cook. I love my dog and my cat. I think picky eaters are boring people.

I am honest and expect the same from others. Lame excuses come from lame people. I'm an adult who can handle the truth and who can detect bullshit, to which I do not take kindly.

I'm blunt because I'm not getting any younger and I don't see any reason to waste time pretending. Let's get to the point already. Getting to the point already means meeting IN PERSON. It does not mean chatting online or talking on the phone. I've found that meeting face-to-face is the only way for me to accurately gauge interest and attraction.

I am smart, sarcastic, and sexual.

I'm NOT looking to settle down because there's no such thing as that. No one "grows out" of anything; we have phases throughout our lives. I am having fun exploring my new city, Chicago.

I live in Chicago. I have no interest in meeting people who do not live in Chicago because I'm not willing to go to you, and I don't want you to pollute the air getting to me.

I can definitively say I am a good cook, a decent writer, a social butterfly (with some liquid courage), and an enthusiastic comer.

People usually notice that I'm loud and that I talk about sex all the time.

Infinite Jest, Magnolia, Three Kings, It's All Gone Pete Tong, Pixies, PJ Harvey, Hotel Costes, Massive Attack, Patti Smith, and other good stuff.

Vision correction, lip moisturizer, lotion, vodka, brain stimulation, lube.

Sex. No, not with you.

Most Friday nights I stay home, but am willing to go out.

I wear a night guard.

If you can host and/or get your shit together enough to figure out a civilized place for us to have "relations," should it come to that. You can understand that I don't have a car, don't want a car, and am in no way willing to go to the 'burbs; a two hour train trip is not foreplay.

If you know the difference between its and it's; there, they're, and their; your and you're; further and farther; and know what this [ – ] is called. If you know that "alot" is not a word. If, even texting, you don't use "b," "r," "u," or "2" as words. If you don't use emoticons and if you don't think "lol" should be used, ever.

If you don't want a girlfriend, potential wife, or someone to talk to about your girlfriend or wife.

If you're a chick or a chick and a dude.

If you're not a fucking flake. If, after seeing in person that I'm "not your type," you have the decency to buy a girl a drink and have a conversation.

JUST IN CASE YOU CAN ONLY READ THE TEXT VERSION OF YELLING: I HAVE NO FUCKING INTEREST IN ANYONE IN THE BURBS. THERE'S A REASON I LIVE IN A REAL CITY WITH PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF EVERYONE ELSE IN THE MIDWEST, INCLUDING YOU, HAS A FUCKING CAR, IF YOU DON'T LIVE IN CHICAGO DON'T FUCKING BOTHER.