Warning: I have honed this profile after having numerous experiences, some of which were not positive. I've come to the conclusion that I should have trusted OkC's numbers and not interacted with people who were not good matches. So before you message me, see what the OkC gods say about our probability of getting along, and don't bother sending a message if we're less than a 75% match.

I'm simple but people think I'm deep. I love to cook. I love my dog and my cat. I think picky eaters are boring people.

I am honest and expect the same from others. Lame excuses come from lame people. I'm an adult who can handle the truth and who can detect bullshit, to which I do not take kindly.

I'm blunt because I'm not getting any younger and I don't see any reason to waste time pretending. Let's get to the point already. Getting to the point already means meeting IN PERSON. It does not mean chatting online or talking on the phone. I've found that meeting face-to-face is the only way for me to accurately gauge interest and attraction.

I am smart, sarcastic, and sexual. I am not, however, a redhead. If you have fantasies about ginger carpet or drapes I am not the lady for you.

I'm NOT looking to settle down because there's no such thing as that. No one "grows out" of anything; we have phases throughout our lives. I am having fun exploring Chicago.

I live in Chicago. I have no interest in meeting people who do not live in Chicago because I'm not willing to go to you, and I don't want you to pollute the air getting to me.

I can definitively say I am a good cook, a decent writer, a social butterfly (with some liquid courage), and an enthusiastic comer.

People usually notice that I'm loud and that I talk about sex all the time.

Infinite Jest, Magnolia, Three Kings, It's All Gone Pete Tong, Pixies, PJ Harvey, Hotel Costes, Massive Attack, Pink Martini, Patti Smith, and other good stuff.

Vision correction, lip moisturizer, lotion, vodka, brain stimulation, lube.

Sex. No, not with you.

Probably staying in w/my partner.

I wear a night guard.

If you don't expect to fuck at the first meeting. A "meeting" is over a drink or two with some conversation where there is absolutely no pressure find a place to fuck, a.k.a., chemistry check. A "date," where there will be fucking, happens after that.

If you can host and/or get your shit together enough to figure out a civilized place for us to have "relations," should it come to that. You can understand that I don't have a car, don't want a car, and am in no way willing to go to the 'burbs; a two hour train trip is not foreplay.

If you know the difference between its and it's; there, they're, and their; your and you're; further and farther; and know what this [ – ] is called. If you know that "alot" is not a word. If, even texting, you don't use "b," "r," "u," or "2" as words. If you don't use emoticons and if you don't think "lol" should be used, ever.

If you don't want a girlfriend, potential wife, or someone to talk to about your girlfriend or wife. However, talking about how wonderful your partner with whom you're in an open relationship is is always welcome. Cheaters need not apply.

If you're a chick or a chick and a dude.

If you're not a fucking flake. If, after seeing in person that I'm "not your type," you have the decency to buy a girl a drink and have a conversation.

You can send messages of substance. Asking me how my weekend/night/day is going is not substantive. The single word message is not substantive. Telling me I look good in my photos is not substantive. I know they're good photos, that's why I posted them. Demonstrating that you know how to read by not misspelling, commenting on something in my profile, or mentioning something interesting will probably get a response; any of the above will not.

JUST IN CASE YOU CAN ONLY READ THE TEXT VERSION OF YELLING: I HAVE NO FUCKING INTEREST IN ANYONE IN THE BURBS. THERE'S A REASON I LIVE IN A REAL CITY WITH PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF EVERYONE ELSE IN THE MIDWEST, INCLUDING YOU, HAS A FUCKING CAR, IF YOU DON'T LIVE IN CHICAGO DON'T FUCKING BOTHER.