Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Warning: I have honed this profile after having numerous
experiences, some of which were not positive. I've come to the
conclusion that I should have trusted OkC's numbers and not
interacted with people who were not good matches. So before you
message me, see what the OkC gods say about our probability of
getting along, and don't bother sending a message if we're less
than a 75% match.
I'm simple but people think I'm deep. I love to cook
. I loved my dogs
(RIP) and I continue to love my
. I think picky
eaters are boring people.
I am honest and expect the same from others. Lame excuses come from
lame people. I'm an adult who can handle the truth and who can
detect bullshit, to which I do not take kindly.
I'm blunt because I'm not getting any younger and I don't see any
reason to waste time pretending. Let's get to the point already.
Getting to the point already means meeting IN PERSON. It does not
mean chatting online or talking on the phone. I've found that
meeting face-to-face is the only way for me to accurately gauge
interest and attraction.
I am smart, sarcastic, and sexual. I am not, however, a redhead. If
you have fantasies about ginger carpet or drapes I am not the lady
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I'm NOT looking to settle down because there's no such thing as
that. No one "grows out" of anything; we have phases throughout our
lives. I am having fun exploring Chicago.
I live in Chicago. I have no interest in meeting people who do not
live in Chicago because I'm not willing to go to you, and I don't
want you to pollute the air getting to me.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
I can definitively say I am a good cook, a decent writer, a social
butterfly (with some liquid courage), and an enthusiastic comer.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
People usually notice that I'm loud and that I talk about sex all
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Infinite Jest, Magnolia, Three Kings, It's All Gone Pete Tong,
Pixies, PJ Harvey, Hotel Costes, Massive Attack, Pink Martini,
Patti Smith, and other good stuff.
W/in last couple months (7/15): "BoJack Horseman," fucking loving
"Masters of Sex," despite the sports angle liking "Ballers," the
British "Shameless" (still haven't gotten to the US version),
"Maron," "The Brink," "The Americans," "Hell on Wheels."
I listen to a shit ton of podcasts on subjects from comedy, sick
and disgusting news stories, food, to movies, and a few things in
between. Really, my primary form of entertainment is podcasts.
Mostly very un-PC humor, which means I'm evil-ish.
I love food. I cook it, I eat it, I shop for it, I write about it.
If we can't talk about food b/c you don't know anything about it,
you best have a hell of a lot to offer that will distract me from
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Vision correction, lip moisturizer, lotion, vodka, brain
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Volunteering for the ACLU regarding abortion rights. Probably
staying in w/my partner. Or having a threesome. Definitely the
first (it's scheduled), and quite amenable to the other two.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
Only the generous need apply. I know it's not fair, but neither is
the world; this is one of the few areas where I, as a woman, have
the advantage. I won't bring any form of currency when we meet, so
be prepared to pay for everything.
If you don't expect to fuck at the first meeting. A "meeting" is
over a drink or two – for which you will pay – with some
conversation where there is absolutely no pressure find a place to
fuck, a.k.a., chemistry check. A "date," where there will be
fucking, happens after that.
If you can host and/or get your shit together enough to figure out
a civilized place for us to have "relations," should it come to
that. You can understand that I don't have a car, don't want a car,
and am in no way willing to go to the 'burbs; a two hour train trip
is not foreplay.
If you know the difference between its and it's; there, they're,
and their; your and you're; further and farther; and know what this
[ – ] is called. If you know that "alot" is not a word. If, even
texting, you don't use "b," "r," "u," or "2" as words. If you don't
use emoticons and if you don't think "lol" should be used,
If you don't want a girlfriend, potential wife, or someone to talk
to about your girlfriend or wife. However, talking about how
wonderful your partner with whom you're in an open relationship in
is always welcome. Cheaters need not apply.
If you're a chick or a chick and a dude.
If you're not a fucking flake. If, after seeing in person that I'm
"not your type," you have the decency to buy a girl a drink and
have a conversation.
You can send messages of substance. Asking me how my
weekend/night/day is going is not substantive. The single word
message is not substantive. Telling me I look good in my photos is
not substantive. I know they're good photos, that's why I posted
them. Demonstrating that you know how to read by spelling
correctly, commenting on something in my profile, or mentioning
something interesting will probably get a response; any of the
above will not.
JUST IN CASE YOU CAN ONLY READ THE TEXT VERSION OF YELLING: I HAVE
NO FUCKING INTEREST IN ANYONE IN THE BURBS. THERE'S A REASON I LIVE
IN A REAL CITY WITH PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF
EVERYONE ELSE IN THE MIDWEST, INCLUDING YOU, HAS A FUCKING CAR, IF
YOU DON'T LIVE IN CHICAGO DON'T FUCKING BOTHER.
Who are you looking for?
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