I'm not adept at self promotion.
The only thing soft in my life are a few animals that don't belong to me. Some are cats, some are humans.
Pros: Opens package without damaging contents. Pleasantly delusional. Ectomorphic-athletic. I have a career that kids say they want to grow up to do because they haven't known acute anxiety or heavy drinking yet.
Cons: Kitchen is perpetual arson scene. The other day I cooked and couldn't figure out where the food ended and the plate began, so I dumped it in the toilet to cut out the middle man. Also, I turn down entreaties of arachnicide. I handcuff them and set them loose, into the misty wilderness. I don't have a television so I scry the horrified faces of everyone I meet to get my stories of the world. Allergic to synthetic perfumes. I can't remember what happened the day I was born but I suspect I've worn this meat suit for approximately 12,500 days.
Tell me your best ghost story. I don't care if it don't have any ghosts in it, people are weirder than ghosts anyway.