SmileNaked
38 Portland, OR
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SmileNaked
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My self-summary
I'm a simple man. Yet, explaining myself is complicated.

I'm an introvert living an increasingly extroverted life.

I was once referred to as "the world's most harmless pervert."

I am (not) literally a five-headed dragon.

I like to think I've elevated the hashtag to an art form.
What I’m doing with my life
Working myself to death as I cling to the last shred of hope that I will someday be able to quit my day job and pay off my student loans with some of that sweet, sweet "content creator" cash.
I’m really good at
Writing. See?
The first things people usually notice about me
That I remind them of somebody.
That I'm shorter than I look.
That I'm older than I look.
That there's nothing "ironic" about my outfit. I actually think I look good in this.
That if you don't stop me I'll keep explaining and explaining and explaining and explaining....
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: If I had to pick a favorite, it would have to be Transmetropolitan, a graphic novel by Warren Ellis. But that only scratches the surface.

TV: I'm a big believer in serial dramas with a sci-fi/fantasy bend and a strong humor vein. But seriously, if I have to fall in love with one more show only to have it introduce a messiah-baby plotline in the third season, I'm going to set fire to the Writer's Guild. (I am very passionate about lazy writing.)

Movies: This is a can of f**king worms right here.

Music: Nerdcore Hip-Hop. If you don't know what that is, Google it. You're welcome.

Food: People think I'm weird because I can't eat eggs. No, it's not an allergy. They just taste disgusting to me. Even the smell makes me ill.
The six things I could never do without
1. A balanced approach to the comedy and tragedy of life.
2. Absurdism.
3. Symmetrical coincidences (or coincidental symmetries).
4. An escape route.
5. Quiet time.
6. Deadpan humor.
7. A healthy skepticism towards the establishment.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Ice cream flavor naming schemes. The opposite of maybe. Which first string characters have to die. Why my gay friends don't hit on me more. Who put the "bop" in the "bop-she-bop." Whether or not I should enlist a Cognitive Interpreter for this. Why nobody else noticed the spider is missing. The number of times I say "okay" in a day. The best way to start the next paragraph. The price of tea in China. Regenerating.
On a typical Friday night I am
...texting all my friends to tell them I just realized "equal parts" is equal parts "equal" and "parts."
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I enjoy musicals way more than a straight man should.

I will secretly judge you on your usage of "there," "their," and "they're."

I don't make eye contact with anyone. It's nothing personal. You probably wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't told you, though. I didn't even realize it myself until I was 30.

If I owned a chainsaw I would stencil the words "Everything's Fine" on the side, because I think that's funny.
You should message me if
You want to be the Martha Jones to my Jack Harkness.
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