Well, here we are. If you're reading this than your curiosity got the better of you, or you actually care. It's not like I care anyway. The only reason I posted this was for the relief it gives me. I don't care if anyone reads this or not, that's not why I wrote it. 

I guess this has been a problem for a while, but I've noticed it quite a lot more since I've been at home. At some point in my life I hit a wall. The zest for learning I used to have has almost completely diminished due to the complete and utter lack of future relevance. The ability to sit and idly watch the world go by has vanished.  Nothing is fun anymore. Sure, there are tons of things that make me laugh and take my mind off of all this....... but as soon as I cease the action that feeling immediately dissipates. I remember when that "happy feeling" would last for hours, even days... and sometimes show up for no reason at all. 

 

 I feel alone. Nobody seems to relate to me like they seem to relate to everyone else. People just seem to "get" other people, and it doesn't seem that they "get" me. I know that every teenager says that at some point or another, but I watch this "phase" my peers go through and it doesn't measure up to the type of alienation I feel subjected to on a daily basis. From every teenager I have witnessed this phase lasts about 8-14 months, give or take one or two. To some degree I have felt the way I do now for close to three years. I don't honestly blame people for not noticing the shift. I didn't notice it myself. 

 

 What did we want when we were, say... 5? A new tonka truck? More hot wheels? Another action figure maybe? Such materialistic things. Even though those items were easy to get (at our vantage point) we quickly lost our "need" for that item and found alternative means to fabricate our Utopian realities. Something that was so easy to get, we so quickly gave up on. What is it that we want now? Is it a house, a car, or an electronic appliance, maybe? No. That's not what we REALLY want. I don't anyway. I'm not currently striving towards those goals, and I don't think anyone my age should, either. 

 

So what is it that I want? Happiness, companionship, love, understanding, a feeling of self-worth and significance, passion, tranquility. These are things... a little harder to obtain. So why is it that, as children, we so quickly gave up on what we thought would make us happy... when there were such minor obstacles to overcome? Why is it now, when the goals and expectations are so high, that we frantically cling and pursue such difficult-to-obtain-things with such ZEALOUS DETERMINATION?? Why can we not simply do what we did before? Why can we not do without the things we assume will make us happy... and find ways to remain self-sufficient and content? 

 

We can't simply give up on these goals, though that would make the most logical sense. We can't ignore these things without being labeled as "depressed, hopeless, psychotic, or suicidal." Yet despite these most demeaning and oppressive labels some still try to give in.  Why? Do they no longer care what other people think of them? Do they earnestly believe that they will not find true happiness? Or have they merely fallen outside the plain-jane, square-box, do-what-everyone-else-does program we have all been forcefully subjected to? 

 

When did it all change? When did our conscious minds lose the power to control our subconscious and allows us to choose to be happy, rather than having to fight to sustain it? Where was the shift? Why did it happen? Why did we lose power and control over ourselves? Is it just me? Logic dictates that it can't be... so I obviously have a minuscule test-survey in my local area. Are there others who feel the same? Are they hiding it... or are people so blissfully oblivious that they don't notice it when it's staring them in the face? I'm assuming I am among a minority of people... but just how many are there? 

 

I find myself amongst their ranks... with one small difference: I see where I  am. Most of them can't see themselves, or simply refuse to accept what they perceive. I feel like I'm trapped somewhere in the middle of the two worlds, bouncing expeditiously from one side to the next at random every time I wake up... like a maniacal game of pinball. I never know which side I'll be on when I wake up, and I have no control over it, either. 

 

Most people have 3 states of being, subject to change at any given point for no particular reason. The first one being that of for-usually-no-reason joy. The slightest achievement, accomplishment, or overcome obstacle and they feel invincible and on top of the world. All the "little things" in their life suddenly have more meaning: fresh air, bright blue sky, rose buds, and a gentle breeze.This is not a typical state of being for that of the "normal" person, but an upside of 20-35% of time spent awake is spent in this state. 

The second is that of content. The person is neither overly-pleased or dissatisfied with anything in their life. Everything is "fine, ok, or adequate." This is the state people can "wonder where the time went" referring to minutes, hours, or even years. An upside of 70-80% time spent awake is spent in this state for a "normal" person. 

 

Finally lies the third state: imbalance. The person is angry, sad, hopeless, or finding faults at every turn with their life, their things, and themselves. This state resembles a short spell of "depression," lasting anywhere from a few hours to a few days... but normally no longer than that. As the name implies, this state of conscious is not normal, and less than 8% of time spent awake should be spent in this frame-of-mind. 

 

Looking back over the past three months, I can recollect not a single day I spent any more than a few minutes in a balanced, "happy" state. State 1 has been reduced from 20-35% down to 0-1%. My time transpired within a content state remained fairly close to normal; around 60-65%. Thus, the remaining imbalance took hold on upwards of 35-40%. 

 

Perhaps this "imbalance" is normal, or has something to do with intelligence. Assuming again that my sample of people to analyze is by no means an accurate one... I will go along with the truth that I am no genius. I am above average intelligence, but I am no genius. Several of my "depressed" friends are all incredibly intelligent, despite what their grades may/may not portray. Honestly the material we learn in school is 90% useless bullshit anyway... so you can't measure intellect based off of useless knowledge. It seems that the children at or above my level of philosophical, sociological, and conceptual thinking seem to be the ones suffering MORE from said "illness" than the children with less analytical mindsets. Coincidence? Maybe. 

 

It seems I have been ahead of my peers intellectually for quite some time now (if even by a small margin)... however, recently my peers seem to have "stopped" in their advancements emotionally. They act (towards themselves as well as others) the same way they did when they first entered high school four years ago. Very little critical thinking advancement has taken place... but that's to be expected with the sub-standard learning environment we have been thrust into. But it seems that little to NO advancement has taken place in terms of how people behave, speak, or emote. 

 

I can't seem to recall when that particular offset happened. Did I skip over the phase they are on now? I'm certain that I'm not behind, because everything they do seems childish and insignificant. Am I simply missing a piece in understanding all this? How can a couple decide to "get together," and after 3-6 weeks decide they are done with each other? I don't understand the offset in time. If they weren't "compatible" with each other... why on earth did it take them 3-6 weeks to determine this when they spent nearly every second together? On the flip side... if they meant it when they said "I love you," why then did it only last 3-6 weeks? If they were together for purely physical reasons... then why make up this false charade and pretend that we "love each other"? Why even say that they were together? How can you be jealous and possessive over someone you care nothing about? I just can't wrap my head around this nonsense. 

 

Then again... perhaps it's just me. Perhaps there's just something WRONG with ME. All 3 of my relationships ended horridly and for stupid and selfish reasons on the part of my ex. If you want to date someone more attractive and who will put out... FINE. Tell me THAT. Don't feed me some on-the-spot bullshit about how your "love for me" just magically fucking disappeared as soon as the attractive guy showed up and wedged his way into your life. I get it... I'm not very pretty, I'm not very funny, and I'm not very nice. If you don't like that... GET OVER IT. Don't tell me you love me and then turn around and act like you told me something empty and meaningless. Don't lie, don't feed me a double standard. Tell it like it is. I'm heard far worse than anything your pixie-venom can dish out. 

 

Speaking of double standards... here's something else I never understood. Those people who wouldn't even SPIT in my direction, or dare be caught dead with me at school..... HUNT ME DOWN, and FIND ME online, to ask me for my HELP. The only time people actually WANT to talk to me is when they're getting something out of it. Cute girl acting like you exist? She wants the answers to the homework. Popular girl talking to you about a relationship? It's hers and she doesn't know what to do... so she asks the most socially-awkward and uptight kid at the school for advice (me). Why do they do it? I act like an ass, sometimes even on purpose, and they still come to me for help... because they know that I can't tell them no. Just fuck my psyche, it doesn't even have to do with the fact that they're pretty or popular... it's the fact that someone came to me... to ME, and asked for my help. So you know what I do? I say sure, I'll help you out. 

Oh wow. Big shocker. Karl helped someone out and was able to look at a relationship, see what was wrong, come up with multiple solutions, give advice without giving orders, and fix everything. Happy ending for everyone, right? WRONG! Sure... I love helping people out. It makes me feel good, useful, and important when I can do things like that. Do I  get a "thank you" the next day at school? Nope. 'Okay' I think to myself, 'Maybe she just doesn't want to be seen speaking to me. That's no big deal. She'll message me later.' 

 

2 weeks later. Any message? Nope. Any sign of gratitude or acknowledgement? Nope. Oh no! The "happy couple" broke up over the same stupid crap they had me fix 2 weeks ago. Guess who magically finds the time to message me now? That's right, she does. Oh goodness... she's a wreck. Now we have to ask for Karl's help again. Does Karl REALLY want to help her? Noooooo... Does he? Of course! So I spend a few hours over the next three days talking to her and helping her "come to terms with the end of the world". She's all better, back in her right mind. A thank you? What do you think? 

 

Wait wait! It gets better...

 

So during those 9-10 hours (total) she really opened up to me and I got to see some of the "real her." She seems really nice... I think to myself. Maybe I should ask her out. Now of course, average "grieving time" for a break up is about 30-40% of the relationship's duration. They dated for three weeks, so I gave her two without bothering her. So I decided to ask her out. 

 

Seeing an obvious excuse to turn me down in advance, I address the issue when I ask her out. If she doesn't want to be seen with me at school... well then she OBVIOUSLY won't want anyone to know we're dating. So I tell her that I don't care if we keep it a secret... I just want to spend some time with her. 

Well she responds with the "I just got out of a relationship, and I don't think I'm ready for another one just yet." I think to myself that it's been almost double the normal wait time... but I said okay and I left it at that. I assumed she would contact me if/when she was ready for a relationship. 

 

How naive I was... 

I. shit. you. not. TWO DAYS later... she has a boyfriend. Is it me? Nope. Is it someone like me? Nope. It's another football-headed jock asshole who hasn't got 3 brain cells to rub together. I think to myself, "She's smarter than this..." I catch myself and think, "Well this guy is a lot friendlier than the last guy, and usually seems pretty nice. Maybe this will go better." 

 

A week goes by without a hitch... then suddenly... HITCH! I have a message in my inbox... who is it from? Why look, it's her again, asking for my help. Relationship trouble. Do I want to help her? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Do I actually help her? Of course. Again with no thanks. Again with the breakup. Again with the tears. Again with the fixing. AGAIN with the no thanks. Again with the rejection. 

 

A crush is one thing. A pretty girl, seems really nice, great smile... turns out to be a bitch. Oh well, no big deal. Pretty girl, is actually really nice, great smile... ignores me completely. Kinda sucks, but again... no big deal. Shluff it off, it doesn't matter. Their personality sucks anyway. They're just pretending to be nice. 

 

This retarded loop I get caught in is something different. When someone opens up to you and you actually see them for who they are, and you still love it... then they turn around and pour sand down your throat... that hurts. I feel used, unwanted until times of peril, only to be tossed aside and dis-credited when the peril is resolved. Is it just one girl? Of course not. There's several of them who all do the exact same things, use me as a pick-me-up, and repeat the same stupid actions. I feel sorry for them, I hate them for their stupidity, but I love what they have shown me about themselves. It's a sickening, heart-twisting fork that turns back over whenever the cycle progresses. 

 

Are they all so stupid and programmed that none of them can realize "Hey! Karl's a really nice guy for helping us out OVER AND OVER for free. He knows a lot about relationships, and he's very kind. He seems different than anyone else. Maybe we should date him instead of these bolt-heads." 

 

Does that ever happen? What do you think? 

 

It's kind of sad, actually. I can seem to look at everyone else's lives and problems and find solutions within a day or sometimes within minutes. Can I solve my own problems? If I could I wouldn't be writing this... because I would have nothing to write about. I do know that writing this out helps me... but it's only a temporary fix. Someone will come along in a day or so asking for help and all this frustration will return 10 fold. 

 

The 3 relationships I DID have were all initiated by me. No one has ever asked me out. And I come to find out that 2 out of those 3 relationships didn't mean JACK SHIT because I was merely the "fallback guy" that they dated while looking/waiting for someone else. I thought we connected, I thought we had a good time, I thought we had fun together... did we? Apparently not, because she later told me so. They lied to me, cheated on me, and used me... just like everyone else. Do I hate them? Yes. Do I love them? I don't know anymore. I love the people I THOUGHT they were, at the very least. My problem? I can't distinguish who I thought they were, and who they actually are, in my subconscious. Maybe I'm just unlucky, maybe it's just a coincidence: but apparently I fall in love with the back-stabbing liars. I probably learned that from my mother. 

 

So what can I do? People don't change... at least not for the better. I've seen many people change. Adults and kids. Never for the better. Maybe people just don't know what they want... but you'd think that after 3-4 tries and fails doing the same thing....... they would realize that SOMETHING isn't working and maybe they should take some advice. Does anyone take my advice for more than a week? No. Do things perform their job when you're not using them? No. They say they want help, I give them advice. Do they take my advice? No. 

 

Sure, I could sit here and whine like everyone else, and endlessly complain about how my life sucks. Looking at the big picture, yeah... I know my life really isn't that bad compared to a lot of people. But we're back at the beginning. If my conscious mind and common sense could overpower these doubts and anger I wouldn't be here right now and neither would you. It's all relative... it's ALL fucking relative. My life sucks TO ME. You're not me, so don't tell me that it DOESN'T. I'm tired of everyone saying it's going to get better. No shit. If it doesn't, then I'll pick up the knife (again). Everyone always tells you that you deserve better... then no one is willing to give it to you. 

 

I'm not suicidal, at the moment. I have been, several times before. What has kept me here?  Truthfully... I don't know. Maybe it's cowardice, maybe it's spite. Maybe by living my life I can sit back and rub it in the face of everyone who ever told me that I won't amount to shit, can't change the world, and have no faith in my abilities (thanks, dad, you're one of them). At least I get that mentality from him. By NOT killing myself I can sit here a wave a big middle-finger at the rest of them who don't think I  can stick it out. Sometimes I put down the knife just to yell "fuck you" at all those despicable people. 

 

Maybe I've stuck around because I'm not entirely sure on my beliefs. I know I'm an Atheist, that much is plain and simple. My opinions on afterlife, past lives, reincarnation, or just dead-done... I don't know what to believe. I have memories of people I've never met, never spoken to, and who lived in a different time period. I'm not imagining these. I have names, dates, and specific events and personalities that can't be fabricated. I know these people... but I don't know these people. I'm not sure if these visions and dreams are memories of past lives, portrayals of the future, or something else. I miss those people... and that leads me to believe that I have lived before now. But who knows? We could have 2 lives, 100 lives, infinite lives... but who's to say I'm not on my last one? 

 

I just... don't know what the fuck to do. I can't give up, and I can't keep going. I can't stand change... but I hate how things are right now. I'm naturally habitual, but hate repetitiveness. Some days it seems like I just contradict my own personality and that I'll never be happy no matter what I do, where I go, or who I'm with. Hell... I can't even DREAM and be happy. 90-95% of the time I have horrifically-realistic nightmares of being chased, tortured, and murdered by faceless people who "feel" like friends or family. I look down at my hands and feet, but they aren't mine. I hear my heavy breathing, scream as I feel the pain of a knife, bullet, bat, or chainsaw... and it's not my voice... nor that of anyone I know. These nightmares never repeat themselves... but come 4-6 per night, waking me up almost every hour. It's frightening to think that my mind could fabricate so many unique, brutal, and horrific scenarios, and never repeat the same one twice. 

 

 I woke up one night after dreaming that I was dismembered and I couldn't feel or move any of my arms or legs. I know the "fell asleep on my arm" feeling... this wasn't it. I woke up and seriously thought they weren't there. I had to look to be sure that they were. I couldn't move them for close to thirty minutes. 

 

Of course 5-10% of the time I dream happy, wonderful dreams of lying next to someone and just holding them. Having an awkward but cute conversation with a friendly girl, a nice hug and a little kiss. It feels great. It feels like nothing else matters. There's no stress, no anxiousness, no nervousness, no nausea, no paranoia, nothing but a bright, warm feeling...

 

And then I wake up, realize how horribly-alone I am, cry for an hour, and fall back asleep. I dream the same dream again, this time waking up at a normal hour. I wake up, realize how horribly-alone I am, do my best not to cry, and feel depressed about how painfully-different the world is from my dreams. To sum it all up: bad dreams are bad, and good dreams are bad. They both have lingering, detrimental effects on my day. 

 

Well as it is now it's currently 5:18 am. I need to desperately try and force myself to sleep... although I don't look forward to any possible outcomes. I will probably write more later. This is the end of THIS post. 

 

Before you can grow up... you must fall in love 3 times. Once you fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship forever. This teaches you who true friends are... and the fine line between friends, and more. 

Once you must fall in love with someone you believe to be perfect. You will learn that no one is perfect... and and you should never be treated as any less than you deserve. 

And once you must fall in love with someone exactly like you. This will teach you who you are, and who you want to be. 

When you're through with all that... you will learn that the people who care about you are the ones that YOU hurt....... and the people you hurt are the ones that needed YOU most. 

"True love does not come by finding the perfect person... but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." ~ Author Unknown

Have you EVER been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it means someone can get inside you and mess things up. You build all these defenses... a whole suit of armor... so that nothing can hurt you. Then one stupid person comes along, no different than any other stupid person... and they wander into your life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day... like kiss you or smile at you. Then your life isn't your own anymore. 

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It tears you apart and leaves you crying in the darkness. So simple a phrase like "Maybe we should just be friends," turns into a glass splinter in your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination... not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt. A real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart kind of pain. I hate love. 

And yet..................

The broken, misused, lost, lonely, pretty, perfect, perfectly broken... you. I'm here for you. I know, I know... you don't need me to care. You don't need my love... not while anyone's looking, at least. I know you cry, I know you hurt... I know you've begged for the pain to stop, if for nothing more than an instant. 

"No, no. That's not me." You insist. I know... you've got far too much pride to admit it, but I don't. I'm not perfect, and neither are you. I need you... just like you need me. I need to know that in the end... when the cards are down... you'll pick up the pieces. Because I'll do it for you... without hesitation. 

I know you. I know the tears you cry when no one is looking. The words only your pillow has heard... I know them. 

I want you to know: you're not alone. I'm hurt, too. I'm broken, too. I'll take the first step, if you want. I'll tell you I love you, because I do. I may never hold you, hear you, or see your smile again... but I love you. I love you because you're hurt. Because I know that I'm hurt, and I want more than anything to be loved. I'd never let you go through this kind of pain alone. 

I'll never turn my back on you... I promise. No matter how hard you act, how tough your threats, how crass your talk... I won't leave you. I can't. I WON'T. 

Because at the end of it all... who the hell wants to be around an emotional cripple like you, anyway? A "brick wall" that doesn't need love or emotion??

I do. I WANT to be around you. I want to show you that it's alright... that we can make it, together. I want to show you that I'll love you... even when the whole world turns on you. I will still be here... and still love you. 
______________________________________________________


Lollipops turn into cigarettes.
The innocent ones become sluts. 
Homework goes in the trash. 
Soda becomes vodka. 
Kisses turn into sex. 
Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? 
When protection meant wearing a helmet? 
When dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth? 
And mom was your hero? 
Race issues were about who ran the fastest. 
War was a card game. 
The only thing that hurt you were skinned knees. 
When goodbye only meant until tomorrow? 

And we couldn't wait to grow up.