If brevity is the soul of wit, then my wit is has no soul. I have ZOMBIE wit! RAAHR!

Anyhow, who's up for some self summarizin' huh?? I know I am!!

Like so many others, I originally joined this site to discover the answers to those nagging childhood questions such as "which fictional humanoid species WOULD I be?" (Warewolf) and "What, in fact IS my post-apocalyptic survival personality"? (The Great Leader. These tests don't lie, folks). That said, I dig companionship as much as anyone so if something actually comes of this, hey, I'm on board. I do loves the womenfolk and I'm (mostly*) sure that I don't have a girlfriend at the moment.

(*I'm kinda certain that the portion of my brain dedicated to memory decided it was fed up with that whole 'developing' bit sometime around first grade so if you're reading this and get the feeling like you might possibly still be my girlfriend, well... I'm probably very sorry and you should really give me a call one of these days. My guess is we've loads to discuss.)

Hmm... what else, what else?

I guess I enjoy the same sorts of things everyone does. Books, movies, walking in the rain... playing "keep-away-the-dentures" with the old folks.

Sometimes when I'm bored I'll swing by the local epilepsy center and flick the lights on and off really fast. Now that's fun for the whole family.

Unless, you're a family of epileptics, I suppose.

*Shrug*

Other random little fun n' funky me-related stuffs:

I can do that cool thing where you flip a quarter across the tops of your fingers. Only took me a month or so to learn.

I seem to be very productive at work.

I don't like Goldfish crackers. There I said it.

I have the attention span of a three month old goldfi- hey look, colors of stuff! Let's go play Ghostbusters! I like waffles! Let's all do the HAPPY DANCE!!!

Seriously, I just did a little happy dance just then. You can doubt me if you want to, I don't care. I have hundreds of friends and they bring me pie and cookies and invite me to their birthday parties so I don't NEED you! Nyah! Pbbbt!!

Right. Moving along.

I have an amusing anecdote involving my birthday, a pilot's hat, my grandfather's funeral, and airport jail.

I've been to airport jail.

There are no computers in existence powerful enough to calculate the amount of times I've locked myself out of my car, office, apartment, or bathroom. That's right... bathroom.

I'm really good at opening locked doors with a Blockbuster card.

I no longer rent movies from Blockbuster.

I spent three years wandering about the world in a blissful, carefree daze. Once my savings ran and it became abundantly clear that most countries prefer "money" as opposed to "charming banter" or "sexy dancing" I had to come back to the States and get me a real job again. Stupid reality. Always throwin' salt in my game.

(I heard that somewhere, though I'm not exactly sure what it means. I suppose if I were playing a game and someone came by and threw salt at me, I'd probably be a bit annoyed and downright puzzled.

Unless the game was "lets make my scrambled eggs and/or hash browns a bit more tasty". Then I'd be happy.)

After spending a bit of time in India, I've learned that the path to enlightenment is paved with the divine ability to sit cross-legged without your feet going numb.

I can sit cross-legged for nearly six minutes before my feet go numb.

In Vietnam I leaned (apart from the fact that we as Americans are horrible terrible people) that MSG has gotten a seriously bad wrap. I mean, one you get over the whole "it gives you a wicked case of the cancer-deaths" thing you find out that it makes EVERYTHING TASTE DELICIOUS! Seriously. Everything.

That said, I still don't like Goldfish crackers. There ain't enough MSG in the world for that.

I'm kind of addicted to the gym. I'm not one of those muscled up gym-freaks who pops steroids like tic-tacs, but I like to keep in shape. And I like to laugh at the muscled-up gym freaks who pop steroids like tic-tacs... very quitely... from a considerable distance.

*Obligatory amendment* Ok, so after returning to the states, I've been seriously slacking in the frequency of my workouts. I'll get back there one of these days. Probably tomorrow. Unless, y'know, I have stuff to do.

I often can't remember where I parked my car, put my keys, and sometimes even my own age (seriously), but for some inexplicable reason I can still recite at will all the words to "Ice Ice Baby". Good lord how that depresses me.

I'm pretty good at foosball. I'm starting to find out that women aren't typically impressed by this.

My grandparents are swingers. I am super duper serial.

I tried real absinthe... once.

I accidentally lit my balcony on fire... once.

I am no longer allowed to drink real absinthe.

Until a short time ago, I was wholly convinced that the lyrics to the chorus of the AC/DC song 'Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap' read: 'Thirty Thieves and the Thunder Chief'. I always pictured this badass pirate captain, the 'Thunder Chief', commanding a rugged but lovable bunch of thugs known as the Thirty Thieves. I was honestly heartbroken when I found out the truth. Nice one, truth. Way to ruin my innocence. Jerk.

Okie dokie artichokie, it's high time I bring this summary o' self to an end. I guess it's not so much a "summary" as it is a "long-winded string of nonsense mixed with the odd obscure fact" but I'm far to lazy too go back and change things now. I don't know what I'm expecting to get from this site, but then I'm not really much of an expectation-y kind of dude. Trite though it sounds, the wizened happyfolk in India learned me to try to live in the now and accept things as they are. Que sera sera and all that.

I am wearing black, fighting evil, and only mostly dead.

I spend most of it locked in my basement, working out the best way to sneak into the Pentagon with a super soaker filled with skunk juice.

Hitting political targets with skunk juice fired from a super soaker...

Playing mostly dead.

Also, keep away. So long as it is against old people and it involves their dentures.

The eye in the middle of my forehead. Tried to cover it with a band-aid but... no.

Books, you continue to be my very favorite way to kill time. Hah, take THAT, time! BLAM! DEAD! WHAT!!

Fuckin' Time.

Good god I'm a dork.

Rather than burning through both dwindling brain cells and copious amounts of Tylenol in a crazy attempt to create some sort of hierarchy of all the books I've ever read in my life, I'm just gonna rattle off whatever comes to mind right now and you'll have to live with it because I said so. That is how I roll.

Or is it why I'm hot?

*sigh* Rap music is so confusing.

Anyway, here we go :

1984, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Brave New World, Into the Wild, I am Legend, The Alchemist, Beyond Good and Evil, Through the Looking Glass, The complete Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series, Last Chance to See, On Writing, The Harry Potter books, Don Quixote, The Tao of Pooh, Fight Club, Diary, Monster, The Basketball Diaries, The Rum Diary, A Brief History of Time, Science Matters, Ender's Game, Cabal, The Mist, The Long Walk, The Running Man, Flowers for Algernon, The Gunslinger, The Tender Bar, Into Thin Air, Me Talk Pretty One Day, Running With Scissors, Dry, Stiff, Bringing Down the House, The Salmon of Doubt, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, My Experiments with Truth, Blink, Slumdog Millionaire, A Clockwork Orange, City of Ember, The Sookie Stackhouse series (fuckoff, I like 'em) The Road, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, World War Z, The Hunger Games Trilogy, A Brief History of Everything, Gravity's Rainbow, The Girl Who Does Things series... uhm... others.

I know I'm leaving a bunch out but they're just gonna have to stay left out until I feel like updating this sucka so they'd better learn to cope.

Movies, I love you as much as a carbon-based life form can love a series of 25 images per second. We've had our ups and downs, you and me, but you'll always have a special place in my heart. Thank you for putting up with my love of books. No need to be jealous, there's room for the both of you. Let's all just have a glass of wine and see where the evening takes us, huh?

Bow chicka bow-wow. Ohhhhhh yeaaaaaah.

Anyway, here's a random long list of movies I don't despise...

City of God, Run Lola Run, City of Lost Children, Fight Club, I am Legend, 300, Grindhouse (both parts) Kill Bill (both parts), The Godfather series (except the third one, obviously), Garden State, Amelie, Evil Dead, Shaun of the Dead, Dawn of the Dead (the newer one), Land of the Dead, Teatime of the Dead (ok I made that one up. I'd totally see it though, if someone were to make it) The Beach, The Fifth Element, Blood Diamond, The Pirates of the Caribbean Trilogy, every Star Wars movie except Episode I, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, The Departed, Edward Scissorhands, Nightmare Before Christmas, Corpse Bride, Big Lebowski, Wet Hot American Summer, O Brother Where art Thou, Memento, V for Vendetta, Cool Hand Luke, Citizen Kane, Fargo, Resivoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, The Princess Bride (I'm a dork, what can I say), Crash, 2001 a Space Odyssey, Gattica, Four Rooms, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, 40 year old Virgin, Meet the Parents, Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, Tommy Boy, Dazed and Confused, Gladiator, Clerks, Mallrats, Superbad, Snatch, Cruel Intentions, Blade Runner, 9, Braveheart, 28 Days Later (except for the stupid ending), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Lost In Transition, Sin City, Sideways, Four Rooms, Millions, Juno, No Country for Old Men, Across the Universe, Slumdog Millionaire, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Into the Wild, Wall-E, Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Shrek, RocknRolla, Shawshank Redemption, District 9, Two Turtle Doves, and A Partridge In A Pear Tree...

Let's see... music...

I enjoy listening to music at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven...

Had to be said.

Honestly, insofar as food and music are concerned, I'm gonna go with the boring generic response: 'whatever mood I happen to be in at that moment'. I have somewhere between eight thousand and eleventy-two billion songs on my ipod and I'm not about to start naming them here. While there are certain musical folks I don't much care for (mostly those that begin with the word 'Li'l' and whose careers exist solely on how many different ways they can describe how they're better than you), and foods that like to use my stomach as a bouncy-castle (see Goldfish crackers) I'm can generally find aspects to enjoy of most everything.

Side note: Sushi, you are action-packed with awesome and deserve a special mention. Thanks for being delicious and compact and allowing me to demonstrate my mad chopstickin' skills. Rock on, my scrumptious friends. Rock on.

During my gypsy days overseas I discovered an unquenchable love for fresh mangos. I found a super special one and brought him home and loved him and named him Mongo. Then I got hungry and ate him. Sorry Mongo, but you were asking for it, you little slut. You know you were.

Anyway, mangos are awesome.

Aw, shit, when did they add shows in here??

Well then, guess we're talkin' about shows now, eh? I refuse to pay for television but I've picked up a few favorites here and there (though I can't really reveal how, lest I invoke the unforgiving wrath of SOPA.)

Arrested Development was one of the greatest shows in the history of fucking ever, as was Six Feet Under (which had bar none, the best series finale I've ever seen).

I'm a sucker for Dexter, though I haven't made it past season 4 yet (if you spoil this for me, I will drown your pets. Bet on it).

Boardwalk Empire is the proverbial shiznit, thanks to Steve Busciemi who I'd totally do if I were a girl... and into odd-looking but theatrically talented dudes.

Hmmm, I know there's more...

Ohh! Always Sunny in Philly rocks. my. shit. Seriously. Shit just rocked. Crazy. Also big ups to Parks & Rec, Community, and a lot of the old Adult Swim 'toons.

And I just started in on Breaking Bad. So far I'm impressed. They better not build me up, just to let me down.

Fuckin' buttercup.

The space key on my keyboard. - Done absolute wonders for my writing.

Those little plastic tips on my shoelaces - Obviously.

Light - 'Cause it moves super fast.

Midgets* - I'm building an army and will soon take over the world. Quickly locate boots and/or underwear in which to shake.

(*I guess the preferred arbitrary nomenclature these days is "Little People". My apologizes to you little anklebiters everywhere.)

The number 4 - Perfectly fills that annoying gab between 3 and 5

The little toe next to my pinky. Vastly underrated, in my opinion. Time to give the little fella some well-deserved recognition. Carry on, brave soldier. Carry on.

Ok, could someone PLEASE explain to me why there are settings on my dryer for 'more dry' and 'less dry'? What does 'more dry' even mean? More dry than what? I honestly can't remember a time when I've pulled my clothes out and thought. "Y'know, these clothes are just far too dry. I honestly don't think I'm quite prepared to handle this particular level of dryness. Dammit, I KNEW I should've gone for the 'less dry' setting!"

The dryer in my last apartment had an additional option for 'Optimal Dry'...

I have not the words.

Barricaded in my room behind a pile of heavy furniture attempting to ward off yet another one of Jessica Alba's forceful sexual advances. Listen woman, I know you're this big actress and all and you're probably a very nice person but dammit, I am NOT your personal sex toy! I'm a person, ok? With feelings!

That goes for you too, Kiera Knightley! Don't think I can't see you hiding in my bushes! No, no, stop that! Making out with Mila Kunis is not going to get you any special treatment. Now get outta here, the lot of you before I call the authorities.

Ok fine, Mila Kunis can stay, but she's sleeping on the floor. Who knows where she's been...

One of my knees is really an elbow in disguise. I've learned to cope.

I once got into a fistfight with the color purple. We've since made amends but I fear our relationship will never quite be the same again.

I love Kung FUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu....

You've seen my shirt, hat, and/or Milan and find me too darn sexy for the entire lot.

I guess this is the place in which I describe qualities I'd typically look for in a member of the opposite sex. Let's see...

Does 'low standards' count as a quality?

Kidding, kidding.

I can honestly be friendly with nearly anybody. I know this is a horrendous cliche'.. and saying it is a horrendous cliche' is in itself, a horrendous cliche'... but I really do enjoy people of all types and variety is what makes the world neat-o. So if you have nothing important to do and want to join me in the good fight against all things boredom, go ahead and send me a 'sage (that's my cool new colloquial slang for message. Pass it on).

I do feel I should mention that there's a chance I might take a while to respond (I like to travel a lot and sometimes I really suck at interneting) but I do try to get back to most everybody, despite what the judgmental little colored dot atop my profile might tell you. I learned a hard lesson a long time ago about trusting little colored dots. Never again.

Never.

Again.

Then again, now that I've returned to a more stable reality, I've been doing much better at this communication thing. So who knows?

So all that said, should one be seeking something in a more romantical-type relationship, well, I guess this next part's for you.

A basic grasp of the written language* is big happy bonus. You don't need to be a literary genius and a few typos here and there are to be expected (I, myself, seem to have developed a freaky fetish for comma splices. Ellipses are equally attractive, but for very different reasons), but if kindergarteners can write without substituting single letters for whole words, well, I'll bet my grandpa's dentures you can too. I know I'm starting to sound like a big jerky-jerk fucknugget here but everyone has their buttons and sentences like "u r awesome. lets go out 2nite 4 realz!" drive me Coco-Puffs.

So please just... don't.

*If your native language isn't English you get a free pass but you have to write me something interesting in your own language. Also I should warn you that I have a major weakness for accents. You could tell me to do just about anything and as long as you did it in an accent, even a poorly-faked one, I'd likely consider it.

Maybe I shouldn't be admitting to this.

Also I'm also not particularly fond of the ever-popular 'lol', 'rofl' 'wtfmftwlmnop' trend the kids these days seem to go all googly over.

And while we're on the subject, I'm not a big fan of Coco-Puffs either.

I like to keep in shape and tend to gravitate towards those who do the same. You don't have to be Maxim cover skinny (or gladiator ripped) but a good physique reflects a certain degree of discipline and respect for oneself and I digs me some disciplined, self-y respect.

LOOK!! OTHER THINGS!!!!

In case this is of interest to anyone, here is a giant block of Stuff I Find Nifty. If you find some of this stuff nifty as well, or even just mildly neat-o, well then I think we'll get along just fine.

GO!

4-wheeling, camping, biking, frisbee golf, slip n' slides, skiing, snowboarding, water balloon fights, sports, photography, writing, music, random movie/cartoon quotes thrown into seemingly normal conversations, wearing funny hats just because, laughing at people in funny hats because they look silly, jumping/stomping in puddles, naked jumping/stomping in puddles, swimming, naked swimming (to save time, let's just assume adding nakedness to anything on this list makes it exponentially more awesome), sugar-packet/straw wrapper ball-flicking fights at upscale restaurants, martial arts, bad movies, good books, corny jokes, awesome wine for little money, eastern philosophies/religions, meditation, yoga, spontaneous world travel (Wanna go to Tibet? Like, tomorrow? We must talk), all things apocalypse-related, natural disasters, space/science, watching/causing things to go BANG and/or BOOM, midg-er, I mean, "Little People" (argh), complete and total world domination, the name 'Steven' (not my name, I just like it), cool-sounding words like 'aluminum', 'ointment' and 'abdomen', long pointless and self-gratifying lists, proper grammar/punctuation, arriving at your destination just as the song you're listening to is finishing, chopping fresh coconuts with a machete, running on deserted beaches in the rain, driving with no particular destination in mind, and finally (and this is unarguably most important), Incredibly-strange-yet-oddly-attractive-in-a-way-you-don't-quite-understand-and-could-never-adequately-explain-to-your-concerned-family-and-friends type of guys.

And if you actually made it through this whole profile, well, I both respect and pity you at the same time. Things will get better one day. I promise.

Till then... courage.