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28 New York, NY Woman


I’m looking for

  • Men
  • Ages 28–45
  • Near me
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

My details

Last online
Today – 9:26am
5′ 0″ (1.52m)
Body type
Strictly anything
Agnosticism, and laughing about it
Graduated from masters program
Strictly monogamous
Doesn’t have kids
Likes dogs and has cats

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My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
My dad comes into my room wearing a gimp mask and latex Jessica rabbit gown crawling on all fours. My is mom behind him carrying a cake with 13 birthday candles lit. She is singing "God Bless America" as my dad hums along, muffled by his leather head piece. My mom sets the cake down on the floor in front of my dad at the end of their song and shouts "make a wish!" I close my eyes just as my mom shoots him in the back of the skull with a .38 special, blowing his brains all over the cake, putting out candles. I crouch over the cake and blood and begin to eat, not just eat, but lather the red icing all over my naked body. My brother then enters with our family dog Otis. They both lick my fathers scalp and cake off of me. The dog gets an erection. My brother gets an erection. They start to 69 as my mother and I insert the birthday candles into the pairs' assholes: 3 in my brother's asshole and 10 for Otis (my brother is only 6 years old and Otis has been around the block a few times). We light the candles and sing "This Land is Your Land." Otis farts, causing a blast of flame to shoot up, scorching my eyebrows. I grab cherry-red lipstick and draw on new brows and begin to give my mother a lap dance, a difficult feat since my mother weighs 370lbs. Finally my brother and Otis bring each other to climax. They wipe their semen all over the dead body of my dad and the four of us (Otis included) masturbate furiously (well, Otis humps my mom's leg). Then my brother begins to stick my father's limbs inside of me using a delicious swirl of semen and icing as lube. When we manage to fit his entire foot and calf into my vagina I jump up and shout "Tada!"
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I'm an aristocrat.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Playing the victim.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Profile pictures.
Callipygian silhouette.
The tongue in my cheek.

"I think that 12 year old girl just called me a faggot."
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
No way, you like Bukowski too? Let's like get some coffee and talk around it sometime.

Books: Philip Dick; Dostoevsky; Palahniuk; Graham Greene; Neihardt; Samuel Beckett; Italo Calvino; Iceberg Slim; Michael Taussig; Kurt Vonnegut; Donald Goines; Bukowski; Jean Paul Sartre; Paul Auster; Thomas Pynchon; George Bataille; Neruda; Bachelard; Alan Watts; Leonard Cohen; Camus; Ovid; F. Scott Fitzgerald; J. G. Ballard, Hakim Bey.

Music: Toots and the Maytals; Die Antwoord; Atmosphere; Sage Francis; Saul Williams; Sizzla; Daddy Kev; Wax and Herbal T; Joe Nice; The Pixies; The Pharcyde; Cab Calloway; Bessie Smith; Aesop Rock; The Books; Tim Fite; People Under the Stairs; Aphex Twin; Deathgrips; Mykki Blanco; Nina Simone; Illogic; Clipping; Diatomaceous Earth; Reverend Beatman.

Movies: By the time I finally make a decision on Netflix I've lost interest in actually watching anything.

TV: 21 Jump Street; Louie; Archer; SVU; The IT Crowd; Curb Your Enthusiasm; An Idiot Abroad; X-Files.

Food: Popcorn and dessert.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
More wishes.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Tuned in, turned on, and toned down.
Playing "Where Isn't Waldo" on the L train.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Secrecy is a method of control we equate with truth; truth communicated is honesty reformed.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You can help me with crossword puzzles; you've always had a eye for the tattooed lady; you want to write or spar (poets who can pack a punch move to the front of the line).

Don't bother if you are flaky, poly-amorous, perpetually drunk or bland. Seriously gentlemen, these are deal breakers, not ice breakers...

If you've got a light heart, heavy hand, and sharp tongue we might be able to work something out.

Oh, and I just dyed my hair blonde, so I guess if you like blondes, that too.