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34 Sacramento, CA Man


I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 18–34
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating

My Details

Last Online
Today – 4:34am
6′ 1″ (1.85m)
Body Type
Strictly halal
Not at all
Working on university
Strictly monogamous
Doesn’t have kids
Likes dogs and has cats
English (Fluently), Ancient Greek (Poorly), Spanish (Poorly), Other (Okay)

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My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I finally got a taste at love, a sweet essence of beauty in life that flows, teaches me to simplify better, is why haiku is def. superior poetry sometimes; learned a lot and actually improved me a lot lately, some infusion, made me sad it wasn't when I was younger, but it is true you shouldn't seek pleasure for its own sake, but the beautiful things you make along the way, though sometimes difficult to make without the above.

Im a writer, poet, artist, want to make some music, need to promote some books, one test away from finishing my technology

Overall, just need a partner, some companionship to go through life with, never as long as I've lived had this; someone sweet not sarcastic, someone loving and nice. Someone without kids would be preferred, so I have a chance, is so hard to trust anyone these days, what their true ulterior motives might be; like some girl, a flower in your hand, her eyes still wandering, flying away like she came.

It just seems impossible to meet anybody decent in person out there these days, then multiply that factor when trying to find someone you're really attracted to; depends where you live and such, you're forced to look online...I've had better luck with Craigslist for the one girl I met than here, haven't met anyone on OKC, don't really expect to the way I start typing here, but most women would just as soon pass you off like you don't matter for their "priorities" as usual, seemingly treat you like something inhuman, always acting like there is something more important to do than pay any heed to you, its the female way, but it's repulsive - just no one has time for anyone else anymore, It almost makes you unfriendly with them in the future when you know it leads to nothing, even the ones you want to talk to. That and the overwhelming number of profiles of them here who think that sarcasm is cool, just shows what most of 'em are made of, pretty much cutting jokes at someone else's expense. It's just disappointing and sad, what a letdown. To think I grew up to only be chained like a beast. That, and no one even feeds the birds - these "people" sit there and watch you feed them. I'm just lost like that SoloMirage wherever I go, ah, maybe I don't belong in this era..more likely, this city, heh, this is just a spread out cow town that hasn't realized it's a real city yet. Was from L.A. been here almost a decade, don't think I'd go back though, there's nothing for me here, no family or friends, I gotta get outta this suck town.

Eh, I just feel like I've had to live inside a cage my whole life when it comes to anything female, none of em ever wanted to get past the bars, any decent; and it's almost wretched to even talk to any of em when you know it doesn't get anywhere, they prolly feel the same, none of em really ever had a voice beyond the grates of the cage. Just stuck in that cage with no freedom, watch in reflections of loneliness, no matter how handsome or raging sex drived one is inside there, and now I'm old. I guess it's their loss, only way I can put it out of my head, it's like a beast I slay over and over to satiate my unfed whim. There are a lot of horrid bad times with it I suffer through, all mostly self created, some of the worst are when you have something funny to say, and you just whisper it to yourself. I might as well have been a space or antartica experiment heh. About to graduate the end of this semester, but slave away and I guess be well paid at the same time? For what? Come home to an empty place as usual. I dunno kind wanna get this whole thing over with. Whole world is a trap made for you to spend money, even when you get away, the streets laid out like sentences with too many unfree rules and no rhyme, the next street just a paragraph, between the buildings, an end; when I could be rhyming past it. The whole thing is so divided, compartmentalized, everything everywhere claimed to be owned by someone, divisive and segregated, ineffectual and no incentive even, it's becoming for me. Almost wanna just wear some cloak over my face like I don't exist, while floating around like a ghost like I usually do, cuz I really don't.

After so many empty years of Tenebrous Yearning, heh, my book that never sold, and won't because people are too surface level because of their repeated sad agenda, in this cultural wasteland, with no time for anyone in their time frame for anyone else, all dressed up copying one another with no individual style, and held by rules sometimes to wear something that feels uncomfortable. All warps the mind unfree, is like they are wound up somewhere mechanically and have a timer until they're caught out in the open and their gears freeze up. It's actually very disgusting. I can look at someone and know if they're a victim of it, easy to see. They come off as if dead, but that is the general experience with the attitudes in Sacramento. Not all, but, very common among the populace. It's like they were all grown in a genelab overnight and set out the next day, new to everything, but looking old enough to convince everyone here. That's what everyone in this world in this area feels like mostly.

Need to study invisibility. Even if there were a karmic fee that needed to be done at regular intervals for this ability to cloak up, vanish away like a Ghost or a Spectre, I'd do it in even less than a fraction of a heartbeat, and that as a rule I would not interfere with any human's dealings again, even if it required a very great sacrifice of myself, even if it was severely extreme acute physical / mental pain, this part already tempered enough to, for a very long time on my part, some mantra to devote to, I would put all the rest of my empty days into it. Then after finished, I could freely roam the world. The mantra sounds very sad hearing it, the most poignant sound that touches me, I have never heard a string of tones that are as they. Why it would probably work. Even if the Yakshini came eventually and had to sever all 8 inches of my uselessness. Ah, I've never got the chance to utilize it the way it was meant to, but damn I got some crazy stamina from all the times I did alone, can go forever, that's why she better detach the other part too. This world is no paradise, just everyone out to get around the corner, trampling you if necessary, to the next empty hall, the next empty dollar for another useless item. The double slit experiment was interesting, if you shoot electrons past them, when not looking at them, it's energy, when you look at it, it becomes matter, which says a lot. I shall do endless research, from a science and spirit perspective. I surely got the discipline, after all these years of college, and a degree that will be left unfinished because I cannot want to bother fathoming Intermediate algebra, I saved it for last, all these years, and very last thing I can't complete. I could if I set forth enough effort, it's worse than slaying a demon. I have all A's in escuela, even in all math, but I will not go through it, not going to memorize formulas like this strenuously to find out something unknown and a point on a graph, it's sick they want to make you think this way, and I'd never use. What a useless, tedious, passionless subject I would never use again, and doesn't even pertain to my specialty. Doesn't really matter, got no one to enjoy the money I'd slave away for with anyway, never have. Should just burn all inheritance, make the suits delete the numbers in the stock, and when they try to undelete it, bring a lawsuit on their ass, and then one by one delete every cent I get from them. Show their stupid self centered economy wtf is up for their next piece of ass I never get to fucking see from these stupid greedy women they get all the time they won't anymore. Then I'll blackmail them to duel me in a joust online with an old monk I had, corpse camp them and find their binds. Someone, and many people, need to dismantle and rebuild parts of the education system, it must change for what people need, not what they don't. You can't ask why there, which should be the most important, just a scam agenda. All those years, all efforts, wasted, gone. But there are many things nature tries to hide from us.
Eh, strange that I'd type some of this, felt so bad today for some reason, my mother died. She'd been suffering for so long, I always shouldered the burden and stress always with compassion, had to defend her from my father many times. Should have stayed in the hospital and acted like a doctor with the doctors, she knew I always wanted to be one. Should have, instead of being rushed by my dad. Im going to meditate deeply in the little woods nearby where we freed butterflies together, out in the dark right now. Was the only person who was always there for me. No other woman was quite like her, had this insight, things she said she'd see before they happen, but I told her always after, why was it on a negative basis always :/ I guess that's cuz you know, like in Diablo when the false sorcerer dies, and Kain says, "Where the actions of hell seem straight forwardly bent on destruction, the motives of heaven are unfathomable." So creative, making her bracelets she'd hand out, and her paintings, got her neat one, a starry night in mount hood, very beautiful how she layered the colors of blue to black like auras eminating outward. I think the only way I can sleep looking at it on the wall. I collaged all of her paintings together in an image, it made her so happy framing it for her, she loved that. What got me is how she always said I wanna sell my paintings, I said just digitally sell, she wasn't computer savvy at all, never used it, didn't want to, could call me a machine at times hah, but she's right I will not play any game ever again, till it goes VR heh, and not even then, they're all illusions within illusions that sap you away from the real treasures found in life. If there's one pact I can keep with her is not play them anymore. But I found that kinda sad she'd just up and sell her creations like that. I think it had to do with a feeling of worth, own self worth, how she was treated by the husband. down to earth, always there for you, no matter who it was, and yet she was so harmless, nudge her as an act of whatever when talking to her, she'd say hey, don't hit me....heh...very strong willed, always led me on the right path, what a great personality, tho kinda controlling, because of forces in her own life she couldn't control herself. Can't sit and blame my dad, they had a special bond, and one that lasted for 36 years. She was a people person, she'd just talk to you, and the way she was, was easy to do. A great vast majority of women are just not like that at all, you don't see it at all anywhere, but very paranoid as if to even want to communicate or even muster some friendliness or decency. It's very sad what is happening to things, and people are going along with it all. I am sure with a belief that women were not always this way; I haven't watched T.V. in maybe a decade, then again no one the whole time to watch it with. Can't stand hearing these idiot's voices, how they enunciate, talking about nothing. The shows these days and usually were, are made for idiots. All of them. Fall for someone elses dumb creations and recite them like a Zombie with no better taste, as long as it inspires you though. Documentaries might be alright though or nature. I Feel sorry for the fools who watch commercials, don't watch them, its brainwashing for selfish gain, for who knows what.. and putting you at risk not able to touch your truly creative side. One guy that claimed he was the descendant of Sir Francis Drake I lived with, his stories, he always used to mute the commercials, haha, was right on. Easy to see why women act the way they do these days, when you watch a lot of them, they insult men on TV and get away with it time and time again, these gimped looking men with a frown or a shrug, like they're giving in to them, you can't get pushed around or compromise like that with these bitches / fruit thieves. Men have to pick the apples nowadays, while women hide the serpent. It was even apparent with this one girl I knew now, telling me, "I don't see much coming from your side", re-fucking-diculous, like I had to do it all, no love flowing from her side I guess, it goes both ways, not one. It has to, it's a rule, because of the nature of the heart, it's anatomy and that we need to be wanted sometimes and can't always be the one giving. And I laugh at these stupid women, when they say they're after "bad boys", what a bunch of fools, who end up in very, very sad shape in the end with them, like my mother for example, men change more than women, but when they eventually do it can be very amazing for her, the case of her, but every bond happens for a reason, so you can't really judge on this basis, it's acts of god, should leave it at that, but if a woman is actively seeking bad, what's to say of her, heh. Even if a girl knows the love won't be real, she may still feel, whereas a man cannot; it reeks of insincerity. She has a deeper sense than the man does for this. I only want to own what I can carry on me, and digital creativity - otherwise the rest is a waste of space and time, where you reach into the abyss you cannot find, it's one big put off many times coming from the woman, that's what they've turned into. Once love fails you entirely, when you no longer love anything, you are undead. This is true undeath, the wrong direction to immortality, it's a human trick by dark mortals fooling your mind - and it is a very sad thing when someone is raptured like that inside with no more sighs. Just try to always love, even if you have to move on. It always elevates, because you'll gain a lot depending on how strong the love was, enabling you to know what you want, and why. Don't ever let some older person tell you respect your elders, always stand up for youself, call em out, It's a farce though, the respect thing, means of oppression, anyone says the word respect, its wrong from the beginning when uttered. Even if you say it, it's only felt, you can never be told, and you can't make it's sound. Its constant tears with me over this, I'm very tempered with gloom, it is one of the gateways to inspiration, but not the best way to do it, love is, but I've always had to settle for gloom. But not this kind really. It's something I realize I have to work through, and it will always be a dear sad loss. My precious maw..painting all of her art in her room, me just watching, she had a little group she'd go to to learn about painting. I always had a special way I'd talk to her in a voice I could make, it was just the neatest cutest thing....Izz maah muh sai lub er mawwww...that kinda thing...can never talk to anyone else that way again. Maybe now she's playing at her big long rustic mansion house I saw when young, looked like something pilgrims lived in, and they found writings that proved the indians and they were there, in Massachusettes. Her just playing alone as a young little girl, when she was with her whole family and happy... as I went back there once in those woods, when I was very young. There were no more fruits growing, like the apples and others she'd mention, she there in the forest alone....,the teddy bear we brought her, how she kept it on the table, remember when the nurse said something about me and dad to her, how she said, that's my husband, but she didnt say that's my son, then I'd say "I'm your son right?" a few times.... because she was feeling it out, looking through her olden, beautiful blue eyes and soul at me, that it was a given I suppose, but maybe she was in that moment with me, like it was too natural to even bother saying I was, because I was her baby........I hope she has lots of time in heaven, lord knows she deserves it. Saw a picture of her holding a gift she made me, the last one, she was the only person who ever gave me presents. Well my dad on Christmas, but that was when I was real young, whole tree filled. Now I got absolutely no family, never did but my parents, or anyone at all left.

Madonna - La Isla Bonita
We always loved that song, since when I was young, glad I blared it top when I rode with her once around here. I asked my vampir friend a long time ago what she says in spanish in the beginning, and it was, "How could I forget". And he's the only one I haven't told any of this to yet.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
The Empty Heart in the Cold Snow 12/27/10
Sometimes within the cold shadow of myself, in the unknown dream called the girl, I wander the frozen shores of this drifting world, its pale and empty barren space. A void of treacherous snowdrift, anticlimactic frost unto a realm far too often I find myself lost in - this chilling and below zero place. In this life I remain an abominable spectre in the caves of my past; a shivering spectacle shaded over by no dreams of love ever had. Endothermic in their cold nature, their oblivious spirits pass my long desolate years and fruitless trials by. Now frost stricken branches, these bones age older, with skin getting colder, melting slowly as I am forced to walk and tumble into empty wastes. It is a curse to keep, to wander this earth without. Eternally encased in a frozen shell, this body, an icy prison entombed like a forsaken revenant, I cast that cold shadow now no matter where I roam. For the only one who would ever bear any warmth is by a far-fetched encounter amongst the tundra of a chilling wind-swept Antarctica. She would only hold me there alone, and then this unknown dream called the girl would only do so, to avoid the cold.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Searching the great vastness of life in writing, is good stuff.

Is a DRREEEMmmm mm wnting this so badlee wnting this so badlee

Plz dont take that away from here, from me, Im srs OkCupids - I encrypted it for you as best I could to protect it, with an E, C & A, I swear it. so giv me a chance and keep that there, plz I beg you.

Iz sofkinghoticntstanditanylongrogodlookatheriwntthatsomuchilongtofukhersofulyevnbettrohgodhavemercyonmybeingandhardnessidontwanttowasteanothrdropofcumonthatwithout7loadsforhersinoneniteplzoplzmercyandlov

That girl is just a dream, probably too beautiful to keep.
They say men are after a woman who are sexy and beautiful (but they should be sweet too, rare to find in a woman cuz sometimes they're too materialistic and interested in themselves) but this is illusion, and a woman is after a man who is handsome and rich, but prejudice, ref. from If described further, it seems to get painful. Although I would have to say, you can't expect much from a creature that makes itself look beautiful by artificial and ephermeral means. Sometimes deceptive with ulterior motives and they learn it all from their mothers. In a way, I can't stand most women, the way they carry themselves self-righteously with a smirk, like they're better than everyone and everything else.

I'm happy to say I avoided even touching any of em for all my life, none of em really deserved it, or they just treated me badly. I've suffered for it, they were always with some other guy anyways; we all compete to thrive, but it's ridiculous. It's almost like I'd have to go with something other than a woman to get my needs met, I just wish I could supress those needs enough, well I do via masturbation, but it gets to be tearful or something worthless when you've had 12k + orgasms all by yourself. It's too difficult with them, it just gets stupid having to re-impress the next one that could come around, which is pretty rare anyways, like once every decade, not even that, nowadays they're all glued to their phones, they'll prolly grow a really big ear in evolution someday, where they can just attach it there. Just makes me antisocial, antipeople, out of all of it, which is sad cuz I was such a happy kid, listening to these old recordings of me my dad found when I was like 4 heh. Most of it has been subjective to me with regards to love. Can just smell what they're about by looking at their face, I implore you all to figure out someone's true nature before you give them too much, because it can break you, like Perseus vs Medusa. And like my dad, a marine, said in the most wisest words I've heard with as few as possible that exist, and yet no one else ever said they've heard it, "Women never ask an innocent question", my father also said, "Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn....but a man deceived". Finally someone finishes that line. I remember he said about em too, "If it wasn't for that thing between their legs, there would be a bounty on their heads".

I can't stand the word "date" or "dating" wtf...sounds so cold, impersonal, temporary and careless, like fit you into a time like everything else like someone doesn't matter, like give em a "try", sounds stupid and halfass, call it a tryst at least. Eh, that's why I liked what that girl said, "let's try each other out". I don't expect much from this site, esp. for what I've done to the profile, and who visits, but it's w/e.

Most girls are just too light-blasted, and don't understand the dark things. Not that it's something to dwell on, but I dunno it's nice to be upbeat, but too many overdo it, it's almost to the point of insincerity, makes them more empty, blondes prime example of that. I mean it's nice to have a soul vessel you just want to keep filling, Is why I'd prefer darker haired one.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Not sure really what they notice, if they did I'm visually appealing, have a good stature and maybe my Dark Blue eyes.
With regards to character, maybe my stamina, capacity and being trustworthy. Woman today thought I was coming too close to her for some reason, was far away, and spoke of being "polite", as if I was the one who had to be, I could only tell her, it's really being "gentle" as she walked away.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Any books on Yoga I always find great material, and the Tibetan Book of the Dead was interesting. So long as its not some big romance movie - it has to be something interesting or with good theme like The Crow, The Wake of the Red Witch, Point Break, The Neverending Story, Apocalypto, The Alamo, Treasure of the Sierra Madre, Count of Monte Cristo, The Matrix, The Lost Boys, Point Break, Predator and Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins is one of my favorites - the first I saw as a child and is one of my earliest memories. much to type this favorites list...

I love writing, and I try to stay away from gaming now; I implore you all to, have to find something worth remembering besides PKing! :p Though I've always loved that since I was a kid - the NES came out when I was 8, so probably part of that. There are always more productive things to do though.

Sushi; Mex, Indian, (that neem and that special bread! oh and vindaloo chicken! omg..) Chinese, Italia, Mediterranean... I don't like eating empty calories, no soda, and no need for coffee, it's almost like a neurotoxin, so ya I stay away from all those coffee shops..overpriced junk anyways. I think even if I had a billion dollars in my pocket it'd be hard to pay their ridiculous prices. Had a green tea smoothie, was good as a place I knew a long time ago, having tea from teavana is always nice.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
The Internet I wouldn't like to be without but it could go provided it had to, like if I was on an island or remote place..

Inspiration, although it wasn't like it used to be. I've been up to majestic heights within just writing all the poems I've written; they are truly like my only children.

My Mentor Osiris. What a great man you were and all the strength and wisdom you bestowed on me as a teenager, something everyone needs. An honorable maestro/spirit guide. R.I.P.

Knights that gallantly slay all in the king's name, and wreck havoc upon their foes, before going home, hanging up their armor and removing the fair damsel's chastity belt...

Have always loved RPG's especially the Final Fantasy series...part 2, 3 and 7 had such great stories. So did Chrono Trigger. hav no time for games anymore, want very very fulfilling sex for extended periods of deep

Life itself? I love who I am, and the whole reincarnation claim Id rather view as false - a rebirth would be ok though, even though you can't return to the beginning of your own dimension, I just wouldn't want to be anyone else but myself.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
nothing private about me at all, for anyone to answer otherwise the whole relationship will have em.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
My life, how it twists and fades away all my years without love. A shadow to roam the world. Definitely looking for a girl that is from India, Middle Eastern, Spanish, White, In that order I guess.. I know I don't like asian (too passive, plain, they're felt differently, but not digging it, it's bad enough women just lack hormones or horniness anyways, like it's nothing to them, dat estro..) or black (too loud, outspoken, not always) girls though. Don't like Filipinas cuz they got this annoying accent, you go listen to customer service reps, you start to wanna just knock some sense into them, considering how empty with their speel they sound, like only to get their point across, and talking when you talk, or when you try to be nice, and it's a neutral response with no empathy. I am starting to understand that people who have no empathy like that are just sick, demented, stunted, and sadder, than even me for living that way. Big reason I better not reincarnate as any of these cretins. That would be hell having to live like that. I mean that's not always true, they express empathy in a different way, on another level, sometimes they're unable to for anything, it varies from person to person, can't really generalize it; we all have our own kind of special intelligence, but EQ hands down is way vastly more important than IQ esp. in a woman. I had some roommates at one time who were all filipino, was a nice place and good times, but they're very clanish people. And Russian dealing with them, if I ever wanted to even fathom bothering to, you can easily tell how cold their land is that they come from. I bet a lot that they'll be the first cyborgs. Any other woman would maybe show you the mechanisms in their hands, they wouldn't. Sacramento is flooded with their singular mission too. I guess I'm just not too familiar with how they "operate" is why I speak like this heh, but still, I'd rather not know for their attitude. Starting to not like white girls much anymore, especially in this town and the attitudes therein..worst ones are the fat smokers with tattoos, that yell at their kids. Just scum.

Most others just don't do it for me anymore, most of em, kinda plain, feels like bitchmode, some way of their approach that is disgustingly empty, and ungiving, linear and methodical to bad fault in their thought process, like heartless patterns of thought, and they expect you to follow the narrowness they're trapped inside of, or it's like breaking their law of contact with others, like all of these self righteous bitches, think they're making all the rules, how free can you expect to feel around these unthinking twisted, deceptive, scheming idiots; pretty sad, sick, horrid, pathetic, how most women in general are, just very unsweet and insincere - if you don't see what I'm saying yet -- take a good hard look at what I mean, just realized this now, good addition to this whole thing haha. It's actually a stunning reality check. They learned all this shit from their mothers too, controlling, using their 'wiles' like unalluring sirens against you, even the ugly ones think they can. Sometimes you never see it coming, or is a surprise, but no longer for me when they're widespread traits. The snooty-snobbish-better-than-everyone-fake-no-time-for-you-self-righteous-deeply-vain-excluding-materialistic-give-me-everything-pitytrip-crybabygirl attitude that females put on everywhere, is the worst plague that exists on this planet currently. Someone I knew said that hot girls too, live in a bubble, if you're not meeting up to that bubble, you're not in their world - it's sickening and sad what the majority of the female species is. I don't know how the root could be torn out, so that they'd be ladies, instead of the greedy self serving dogs that run around. Some are still out there who are very cool, easy going, just sweet women, but too many sours here. I can see through this shit so easy now, glad I can, but big reason why I shoulda just plowed a few chicks back in the day from all the chances I had, without having this phased view. It's probably good though I didn't, probably didn't deserve it anyway. Pretty sure I've made even you think about your ways. Maybe I should write a book, about a lot of things, set it all straight. I'd truly like to think they were different in another time..they must have been more decent at another point in time. Some are still, but a very rare thing here. So many sour, unsweet, but a buncha questions or their agenda with no care. It's like they needed better taking care of when they were younger or something, not enough proper tendering or good attention offered to them. Every place has a bearing, you know the entirety of it all is fixed together with dark matter, and I think now that it even applies to our very own earth, there is a certain quiet, strange attitude in the air about women here, I never saw it with as much clarity as I do now, but I wish I saw it sooner, woulda saved me so much heartache over it earlier when it's always the same type of women that prowl in Sacramento, just a very similar weird attitude, and it's repulsive heh, even creepy. Very rare that one of them ever deviates from the universal trait every "woman" shares here. This guy I talk to when I see em at escuela told me how he thought alot of women here are ugly. Good god he's right, if not ugly, it's just a weird, quiet, boring, no personality, attitude. It's like some gene pool here, and when they say "beauty is only skin deep" that's total BS, it strikes a woman in more places than you realize if her visual is unappealing or just no turn on. It strikes em in their attitudes, approaches, how naturally sweet they are, a lot of things. There's more reason that them being ugly is why guys aren't going for it, but that the ugliness ties in with a lot of other things. Hence why that quote is very untrue. I mean it varies of course, but yea. After being with a Middle Eastern girl, a lot of others just don't have the same sexiness, class, style, or mystique, she's very, very rare though, I think I've gone through enough in time alone to have found her as randomly as it was, no one else will do; no girls are as sensuous and naturally sweet as her, just dark treasures of the deep...but obviously I've been fooled. So many of em are very clanish from over there, exclude you, treat ya like you're a heathen outsider I guess, it's inhuman; I forgot who I was dealing with but remembering that saved me from the impersonal coldness. But it's like she poisoned me, but it's a good thing I guess, but not when she leaves me far away for 7 months without calling and still "keeping" me, gotta be love for me to hold on that long, it's soulrendingly hard and torturous, very cruel. It even got in the way of being there for my mom, of which she said she would meet, and I am sure she had time to, but never would meet her. My mom felt bad about that, when she was in the bed in the hospital, especially when she talked to her about meeting on phone. Never had much to say though. I waited all this time to be with anyone and be treated like that? heh..lower levels of hell to treat someone like that, way I have been treated, then she comes over for a very short time before she had to go far away again, I feel stupid for giving her some nice gifts whens she came, didn't even say anything to me my last bday, what gets me most though is her stab, "I dont see much coming from your side..." goes both ways I have to do it all, and no love flowing from you whatsoever, it goes both ways, not one. It has to, it's a rule, because of the nature of the heart, it's anatomy and that we need to be wanted sometimes and can't always be the one giving. Pure evil. Never heard a sweeter voice ever though. But eh, I don't have anyone else, never have, first girl I ever knew, and really wanted to love, I just better not be led on. It's really disturbing. But if it is over, something has to change in life or it's gonna destroy me even more, even if there's nowhere to go, and even if it means packing everything away in storage and escaping this place and just roaming. Maybe the deep woods, somewhere out of the city where everyone wants to run you over, or just stare at you, gonna get cold being invisible when naked, but I'll get used to it, maybe fast and figure out tumo. Remember, like my mentor told me, your word means everything - what are you worth if you can't hold true to your own word..

The Daylight Hour 1/27/99
By the daylight hour, while resting alone in a bleak unadorned chamber, I see the sky full of the darkest weather. The sun hides behind the clouds, behind these dreamy lines, and how cold it is alone in these fleeting confines. A solitary flower creeps across the window where it glows, perhaps to be happier than the day’s weather assigned. Trapped within a sad spirit, petals fall like a cape drenched in the rain before some morbid duel. By the little rays of light shining in the dark window, it feels like a place to find an otherworldly portal. But I miss the world, to adapt to everything new. I sought its love but came out undead before a cross knelt, pale and doomed. I see the petals spread forth on the glass; its infinite compassions still compare to the night’s black rain. I reach out, so to crush the flower, and rid its pain. I dash out of this high tower with a breaking dark window, and I am free.

My channel,


In the end though, I absolutely love women with huge tits and big nipples, intense turn on, so I guess Craigslist is the only way to go again..