Looking for your soul mate?
That's right, I am offering to be the primer for the love of your life. Come one, come all - I am currently running a 92% success rate. If you are looking to be married or domestically partnered, date me first, and you are assured to find your soul mate as soon as we break up!

Current data has shown that the more intense we get, the more quickly you will find that special someone...so don't hold back!

HELPFUL HINTS:

From analyzing 15 years of accurate data (verifiable by friends and family), the following may be helpful:

1. Practice makes perfect. Please use phrases like "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" and "I want you to have my children". Studies #3, #7, and #12 demonstrate a 100% success rate with this practice run alone!

2. Introduce me to your family. Studies have shown (#1, #2, #3, #4, #7, #9, #11, and #12) that odds increase when you bring me home to meet your gene pool. Bonus points include having a mother whose Hummel collection I can admire, taking me to a wedding where I can dance the Chicken Dance, and having an incredibly creepy family member who likes to stare at my breasts.

3. Have a tragic past (#1, #3, #5, #6, #10, #12, #13, #14). I am proficient at sitting quietly, gently stroking your back, while you sob about a.) your parent's divorce, b.) your inability to find meaning in your life, c) past relationships (pictures a plus!), and d.) abuse in any way, shape, or form ... most successful in this arena has been the ambiguous lone sexual interaction with a distant relative (see 2).)

So that's right, folks ... all you men looking for a soul-mate, I AM your answer. I will guarantee an earnest, naive belief that you either love me "like you've never loved anyone before" or that you've actually "never really been in love before now". I will patiently buy into your confusion while you slowly fall in love with a.) your child's ballet teacher, b.) your ex-wife, c.) the woman who works at the used bookstore where you obsessively buy Cheever hardbacks, or d.) your Tai Chi instructor. These, of course, are just a few examples of the many potential soul mates towards whom you can rebound after (or before) leaving me!

With a 92% success rate, you are almost GUARANTEED to find your sweetie. And if you act now, I will throw in an offer to actually BE FRIENDS with you after we break up - that's right, just picture it - you, me, and the love of your life can all go to the movies! What more could you want? There's someone out there just waiting for you to date me.

Also, according to Meyers-Briggs, I'm an INFJ. Neat.

Existing on a plane of awesome that's well beyond any spectrum you can possibly comprehend.

Editors

• thetonyp

I look like that one girl, from that one thing. You know, that girl? From that thing?

Books: WWII literature, Vonnegut, Kerouac, Austen, Palahniuk...the list goes on.
Movies: Amelie, Hard Candy, Natural Born Killers, Begotten, Waking Life.
Music: Barry Manilow and nothing else.
Food: Greek, Italian.

Responses to my past speculations.
"I will always love you!" (No you won't)
"If our band makes it big, we have to stay friends." (Not an issue)
"I can't wait til they get divorced." (Still waiting)
"Friends forever!" (What was her name?)
"I will never have a boring job again." (HA HA sigh)

We are terrible for each other, and yes, we are a disaster.
But tell me your heart doesn't race for a hurricane, or a burning building.

I'd rather die terrified than live forever.