Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
This is my area where I choose to ignore the "you should message me
if" and instead impose my list of disclaimers. Don't worry, I'm not
that much of an asshole.
There's a lot of pictures on online profiles of girls shooting
guns. Guns freak me out. And if you think that makes me sound like
a perjorative term for someone who is weak, I'll respond that my
Dad was hurt from being shot with a gun. That should be all I need
There are also a lot of pictures of girls in groups. Nothing wrong
with that. Hey, I get it, you have friends. However, when every
picture is a group shot or you a hugging a friend or sibling, you
might want to clue me in from the start which one's you, because I
don't know. Nothing says awkward like getting the wrong idea of
what you look like from the very start.
I also don't really drink. Never really got the taste of it but I
still try. As much as I say I don't judge, I kinda do. No, I don't
mind you checking out wineries or having a glass with your meal,
that's actually kinda fun. What I mean is all these pictures of you
hanging out in bars; for me bars are hang outs for people who live
and breathe sports scores, getting more obnoxious by the night,
talking about my friend's attributes or things they'd like to do if
I weren't around. That's probably not you and your friends but
trust me, I've watched this scenario play out more times than I can
count and as a result, to me the bar isn't the harmless, let your
hair down place you probably think it is. So when I see you hanging
out at a bar, I get a little uncomfortable. Sorry.
I'm a talker. I talk about my feelings, I feel about my talkers.
Wait, that doesn't make any sense. What I'm trying to say is I
think about who I am. A LOT. I'm trying to figure this whole life
place thing out and it would be nice to have someone who can offer
some insight into the topic. That insight thing is really important
to me because it demonstrates you're thinking too and can give me a
different angle on the subject. If I don't get that communication,
then I start to think the whole introspective, understanding
yourself and your place in it is kind of dumb. And it's not. It's
really not. So I need someone who can feed my nourishment. For lack
of a better explanation, someone who "gets it" because they do it
too. Trust me I'd rather be alone than with someone who says I
think too much. Not only can I not turn that off, but more
importantly, what went wrong in your life that you decided the need
to understand yourself better was pointless.'
Let's also get the fact I'm an only child out of the way. Some
people audibly groan when they find that out about me and sometimes
they'll follow it up with an uh-oh. First, I can't help my parents
decided to leave "Quantity 1" on their financial burden cart. I
grew up in a rural town as the smart kid and I'll fully admit that
probably didn't make me the most well adjusted kid / grown-up out
there. But I can identify with love, the need for people, the
gratitude one has when you have really great people in your life,
and I get really sad when sometimes I'm awkward with people in
general. I don't know where awkwardness comes from or if it needs a
superhero origin story, but when you associate it with me being an
only child, that makes me sadder. Not only can I not do anything
about it, it makes me yearn to understand what about me is broken,
and try to fix it. Trust me, that's a tall order. What I also
notice is that people with hordes of friends and family around them
often don't understand what true isolation means. You get the
feeling some of these people have never been alone before. Alone
isn't necessarily a bad thing, and sometimes you need that alone
time to figure shit out. So if my being an only child causes you to
judge me, trust me, I'll be doing the same right back at you.
Please DON'T message me if you don't know the difference between
woman and women. I'm serious, I see so many ads on here that say
"I'm a single women". OMG, you're an idiot.
Speaking of idiots, which is bigger: the earth or the sun? It's THE
SUN. IT'S THE SUN! IT'S THE SUN! OMG, I cannot believe how many
people get this wrong. They're not trying to be funny or like, oh
aren't these questions dumb, I'll answer wrong, NO, people don't
know that the sun is bigger than the earth. This boggles the mind.
Aren't they supposed to hold you back in school if you get
something this fundamentally wrong? Come on! 108 earths lined up
side by side by side can fit across the sun, DOOFUS! Look, if you
answer this wrong, we're done.
Also, I type fast. I abbreviate. I absolutely know the difference
between you and u. If i were writing a legal brief, or a college
dissertation, I'd write 'you'. But this is the Internet and I'm not
going to bust your girl balls if you transpose a letter here or
there, or if you abbreviate you with u. I know, the Internet
generation wants a level of smartness and this is their way of
demanding it. That's great, but, if this really really upsets you,
if this is a deal-breaker, then we're not going to get along.
Spelling errors do annoy me, don't get me wrong, but I'm trying to
meet new people, not grade anyone's homework.
If you're not interested, please just say so. I'd rather face a
couple seconds of honesty than wonder.
I know you girls get tons of responses. As someone who doesn't
nearly have that problem, it's really disheartening when you write
a heartfelt hello, or long email trying to coax someone to banter
you with you, only to see the next hour progress with the status
message CuteGirl53 has just answered 1115 questions! Really? You
couldn't stop for 5 seconds to tell me to go to hell, thanks.
Some of you girls ask what kind of experiences us guys have with
okcupid. Here's one: I wrote this very cute and very smart girl a
message, I wasn't trying to flatter, but apparently I did. She
writes back, I come online to respond, and I see she's available to
chat. We chat. We start to have fun talking to one another. I learn
she's an exchange student, which I think is interesting, I think
there's all kinds of stories to be told there. She refuses to tell
me any details beyond sending me an email that says her name,
address, and exchange student. Happy? She tells me she's hungry, I
tell her I've already eaten, not taking the hint. We talk some
more, I look at her profile to look at her picture, read some more
about her, you know to see what else I may have missed to talk
about with her. She sees me looking at her profile and accuses me
of not believing she is who she says she is. Weird right? I explain
myself but I don't think she believes me. She says quote: "if you
don't believe me in anything, so skip and go to th next page/lady
and "when you started cheking me, your sunshine gone... ". Suffice
it to say, she's annoyed, she doesn't like me asking about where
she's from, we go back to talking about dinner and it's never clear
if she wants me to take her out, so I just ask if that's what she
wants. We agree, she's still annoyed that I'm not there yet, she
gives me an address, I go. I don't have her phone number so I trust
it'll work itself out. It's almost 9pm at this point and I have to
get ready, get gas, drive 20 minutes --- she has no car and is, I
think, at her workplace (because when I asked her to clarify if the
address was her work or her home, she goes, oh you're that kind of
guy). I get there, it's at a facility where it's not clear where to
park (or you have to enter a code to enter their private parking
area), I had to park 2 blocks to find a place that ultimately, I
wasn't comfortable leaving my car. I walk in the cold to her
building, go on the elevator, get off on her floor, and find only
an entrance, blocked by a glass wall and a glass security door with
no clear intercomm. Again, she's not given me her number, not
agreed to meet somewhere specific, I don't have a smartphone so I
can't message her --- I just go back home. I get home, and I
explain this. She says "what the hell?" but later apologizes, she
didn't know. What she didn't know is never clear. Then she tells me
while she was waiting, she got a letter, that one of her peers is
disappointed in her. She's going to go, she's very sad. Good-bye.
Fast forward two days to today. It's 2:28pm and while I'm in a
business meeting, my ipad goes off. I check and it's her. She says:
"Hello, how are you doing this Friday? I was thinking of you ;) "
--- So I figure I'll talk with her later. Near the end of the day,
around 5 --- I'm getting ready to leave work; I quickly check my
email, and I check OKC again, it's still logged in from when I
checked it at 2. Before long she sends me 2 more messages:
"Welcome, we all are waiting for you. Okupid stuckers." --- 4:56pm
and "oops! you decided to avoid me. as you wish. have a nice
weekend!" -- 5:17pm. To this girl, I just want to say thank you for
an awesome story to add to my profile.