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StapVitals

26 M Edinburgh, United Kingdom

My Details

Last Online
Aug 18
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
White
Height
5′ 10″ (1.78m)
Body Type
Average
Diet
Mostly other
Smokes
No
Drinks
Often
Drugs
Never
Religion
Other, and laughing about it
Sign
Cancer, but it doesn’t matter
Education
Dropped out of university
Job
Rather not say
Income
Less than $20,000
Relationship Status
Seeing Someone
Relationship Type
Offspring
Doesn’t have kids
Pets
Likes dogs and dislikes cats
Speaks
English (Poorly)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I'm a risible apology of a man; frighteningly ugly, offensively ignorant, and sporting a nose like a sweet potato. I once heard of colour co-ordination and fashion, but you wouldn't think that to look at my wardrobe, and my passing acquaintance with personal hygiene peaks at sticking my head under a cold tap.

Conversation with me is base, boorish, gynophobic, and mercifully brief. I am a fundamentally offensive human being, and honestly I'm probably the sort of man who'd send you a lewd message filled with lurid and wildly optimistic obscenities regarding my hopes for a future relationship. I would advise that women retreat from my profile without further thought.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I am experimenting with a bewildering cocktail of medication, both casual and formal. When that can't expunge me temporarily to merciful oblivion, I write things down. It scarcely matters to me what, and the resulting lunatic ramblings are the stuff of nightmare.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
noticing when people misuse apostrophes, make fairly mundane typographical errors, split infinitives, end sentences with prepositions, and so on and so forth. I am also excellent at listening to people without judging them, then publicising their darkest secrets. My poetry has been described as "poetry in motion", which is ironic since it's universally stationary.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I assume the colour of my skin. That's what I first notice (and comment on) with everyone else. Next, they will notice the uncommon piercing glare I affix them with. This is not intended, and is usually a side-effect of my bizarre eyes.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
My favourite one of any of these categories is the one I have finished or seen most recently, about which I will bang on ceaselessly.

I have never read, seen, heard or eaten most of what you like.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
I could scarcely do without my heart, lungs, brain, liver, pancreas or oesophagus. I can take or leave my kidneys.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
I try to bypass the natural human instinct to think that I'm above average, and attempt to truly understand on a fundamental level how crap I am.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Honestly I'm usually eating on a Friday night. I didn't mention my corpulence before now, but it is absolutely breathtaking. Vibrations roll majestically up and down my body with every step I take, my grotesque sausage fingers pawing ineffectually at the remnants of the bag of chips I always seem to have with me, despite never visibly purchasing them or transporting any unopened packages.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Reading the rest of what I've written, I rather doubt you'd believe whatever I put here. Nevertheless, I am actually quite a lonely person and would be happy if someone contacted me.
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 20–40
  • Near me
  • For new friends
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
your aversion to conventional notions of fun crosses into the pathological. If you are out of your mind with apathy towards honest, rational, hardworking men, you want to scare a solitary idiot who literally fears breasts, or you want a deep and complete understanding of the definition of "troglodyte", you have my permission to message me.