A Southerner at heart, I suspect abduction, subterfuge and babynapping led to me being raised a Northerner. I believe probably at the hands of the government (not my parents - they're lovely), in some foolish plot to restore the North-South balance of brains, beauty and, err... boyishness? (damn you, alliteration!).

I, however, and to coin the phrase of a certain Mr. Baldrick, had a cunning plan. About as cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University, in fact. I moved.

Having recently finished a Masters in Brighton, i'm now living in a rather swish NHS-funded pad (note sarcasm) in central London and, amongst other things, spend a lot of time crushing Viagra. I of course also spend all this time evading the forces of evil that try to chase me back to damper, more miserable climes.

For the record, I'm not psychotic - just overly imaginative at times...

Please submit answers and ideas, thoughts, ponderings and comments to:

What I'm doing with my life?,
That's a very good question,
Because i'm not sure,
Are you?,
COULD YOU GIVE ME A HINT?,
NO1 0EA,
UK.

While your 2000 word essay on my future is getting lost by the Royal Mail and you're sending another, I've decided that I should give away at least a little. After years of trying to do too much, i've finally figured that I have the time to do only three things well in life, apart from all the usual things, so at the moment that's...

-Work. This used to be studying, where I could get away with doing sickeningly little. Tragically that's changed.
-Sailing. I race yachts with/for sickeningly rich people, basking in the fruits of their hard labour, often breaking the said fruit in a foolish bid to win, before spending much time fixing the fruit or grovelling to replace it. Secretly, i'm not actually that good, just astonishingly lucky. I'm awaiting this realisation to occur to someone else on the boat - it's been four years so far!
-This one used to be the Royal Navy. I'm still trying to fill it, and succeeding quite well with a social life and alcohol. May make it the Army once I get the first couple of years out of the way.

Organising pocket change by size order, making sure the car radio volume is an even, prime or square number, driving through puddles, avoiding crying women

Inserting both of my size nine feet into my mouth, at the same time, whenever the opportunity arises. Usually with my shoes still on, occasionally just after having trodden in dog poo.

Listening.

Learning from the veritable torrent of mistakes life brings.

The legal dealing of drugs. Prizes for those who can tell me what I do...

I haven't the foggiest. Maybe I should start asking those I pass what they think.

I know what dogs think though. They're overcome by many thoughts at once... Will he throw that ball for me? Is he carrying food? Will he scratch my belly? Does his crotch smell good? Could I wee up his leg without getting a good kick in the balls? Could I nibble him and not get in trouble? Anyway, that's diverging from the question.

My eyes have been mentioned, but saying in what sense would make me seem arrogant, which i'm hopefully not, and only one instance of such commenting hardly constitutes something I can draw a trend from.
I'd guess it would probably be a bottom tooth i'm missing - i've claimed it was lost gallantly, separating a brawling unicorn from a yeti in a bar in Atlantis (and sadly have been believed one or twice, though they probably just said oh really to get me to shut up), but in reality it just decided that the real world was too much and decided not to grow. Having said that, there are those who've known me well for years suddenly ask when it was lost, so it can't be all that obvious.

The adverse effects of cannabis on health - an update of the literature since 1996. Kalant, H. Progress in Neuro-Psychopharmacology & Biological Psychiatry 28 (2004) 849–863.

Stress, Depression, and Neuroplasticity: A Convergence of Mechanisms. Duman, S et al. Neuropsychopharmacology (2008) 33, 88 – 109.

Brain-derived neurotrophic factor and its receptor tropomyosin-related kinase B in the mechanism of action of antidepressant therapies. Kozisek, M. E. Pharmacology & Therapeutics 117 (2008) 30 – 51.

As you can see, my bedtime reading is utterly riveting. Double-blind, placebo controlled randomised papers of multicentre, multinational trials are the next big thing in the treatment of acute insomnia. Reading such papers has even been known to cause narcolepsy in some poor souls.

NB. These things do not take up my whole life. If they ever do, you have my permission to smother me with a pillow.

Books that spring to life would be the Life of Pi, Memoirs of a Geisha and a plethora of non-fiction.

Films are easy. Shawshank Redemption, Fight Club, American Beauty, Sweeney Todd. Watched (500) Days of Summer recently and it's quite brilliant.

Food. Anything, though I do like decent food. Pet hates include mushy vegetables, overdone pasta and beef which isn't still bleeding when it lands on my plate. Oh - and food with no sauce!

Puddles. Driving through them gives me a worryingly great deal of pleasure.

Getting up early on those clear, frosty mornings when the grass crunches, and leaving my footprints on it before anyone else. Preferably with a dog in tow.

Seeing the sea, walking in the sea, watching the sea, diving in the sea, kayaking over the sea, swimming in the sea, sailing on the sea. If you haven't got the drift by now, please click the back arrow...

Daydreaming, people-watching, espresso & sudoku. I do all those at once, so that only counts as one. My new favourite haunt is the South Bank.

Being sociable, because if i'm not I tend to wither & die. Not literally, evidently.

My iPhone, Mac & the internet. Well I had to have one normal thing!

Sailing, life, the future, why things are called by the name they're given, like crease. If I try to understand why someone called a crease a crease too much, my eyes go slightly crossed...

If there's someone out there who, when we compare venn diagrams of ourselves, leaves just one circle.

Sex. I'm male, let's face it, and I may as well tell the truth.

How to fulfil my only two real goals in life - owning a chocolate labrador, and an E-type Jaguar for him to sit in...

Feigning illness, death or amnesia to avoid entering a club of any description (i'm currently failing on all points of late). If i'm duped and this does happen, i'm trying to induce the latter option with copious volumes of ethanol (i'm currently succeeding on all this point rather stunningly of late).

The same goes for anywhere I might be required to dance, because as far as i'm concerned any male without chorophobia is bonkers. We just look like beached trout flapping about the place.

That means Friday nights, like any other, are spent watching TV, films, DVDs; at the theatre, plays or recitals; cooking, dining or just having a few drinks somewhere relaxing, where I can hear what my friends are saying clearly from more than 2cm away at a full scream.

...is that for the life of me I daren't put a picture of my face on here. Alas, not because I have the facial features of a peri-pubescent monkey's bottom (I hope!), but because I don't think I could stand having to deal with it at work.

Plus, the romantic side of me holds out for a 'You Got Mail,' moment.

Oh, and that i'll tell you anything so long as I trust you. But on a dating site? Really? REALLY?

1. You've made it this far.

2. You're not repulsed by the above.

3. You're normal.

4. YOU ARE NORMAL. As in defined by ICD X or DSM IVr, and have never, ever boiled any rabbit of any description.

5. You will only make me dance if i'm too inebriated to remember in the morning.

5i. You will make no photographic record of 5.

6. You think of yourself as beautiful or pretty, and bugger what the rest think.

7. Either you consider any of these images to be practically pornography, or happen to own any of them.
http://www.wally.com/jumpch.asp?idChannel=38&idUser=0&attivo=1-2-1

8. You're capable of a communicating somewhat more eloquent than clicking the Wink button. How lazy!

No thesauri were harmed in the making of this profile.

EDIT Having thought about the way I look at the profiles of others, you probably made the decision as to whether to bother clicking Woo or Message somewhere between the picture of the pretty sunset and the fifth line of my Self-Summary and so making everything thereafter, including this, utterly pointless. Pah.