This story of Stuart's I'm leaving because it's amazing…
Instead of doing the normal "my eyes" or "my hair part" I am going
to regale you with this little ditty that I swear to you is 100%
This year I participated in the Naked Bike Race in Portland. It was
my first time and yes, I went completely nude. It was awesome,
there were nearly 10,000 people there and it was the greatest
feeling to be completely naked and riding my bike down the street.
The party at the end of the ride also sounded awesome, but when I
got there I realized that I was, oh how to put this, older... By a
lot. So, we packed our stuff and rode home (it was an awesome
journey that nearly had my friend and I breaking up a street fight,
but that is not this story).
The next day, I evidently did not get enough public nudity and
decided to take my first trip to the nude beach. I went to Rooster
Rock because I knew there was a nude beach there because I took my
kids on a hike and they pointed out the naked people (awkward). It
was a nice day and I was pretty excited (not THAT way) so I grabbed
my towel, my mini pillow and my book and took the little hike onto
Unfortunately, it was my first time really at the nude beach at
Rooster Rock, so I didn't know where to go, and the beach was
actually closed off. I wandered around a bit and finally found a
spot near the path. It was on an incline, so I put my head at the
top of the incline and my feet were close to the path. It was a
nice spot, but I realized soon enough that this was also a high
traffic area, which plays into the story later.
I got undressed and got comfortable and started to read my book. As
I was reading, I would start to get drowsy and close my eyes. It
was always about this time that someone would walk down the path
and, naturally, my brain would wake me up with a "WAKE UP IDIOT!
YOU'RE NAKED!" And because my brain was yelling, I would wake with
a start. People walked by, nothing happend for quite some time.
My eyes were shut but I hear the scuffle of feet and woke up and
saw a very large black man walking down the path. No big deal, I
see him and close my eyes again. But, I notice he stops in front of
me. I pick my head up and look at him as he is staring at my
crotch. It's uncomfortable. Then he says this in a deep
"That's a nice package you have there."
I'm a little stunned and I can feel my ears getting red. What do I
do? Am I upset? No. Am I angry? No. Am I flattered? A little, maybe
more. So, I do what anyone else would do in this situation.
He starts walking down the path. He gets three steps away and he
stops and turns around and pulls down his glasses and says
"Those are some lickable balls too."
Meekly, I return a "Thanks!"
And then he walked off, out of my life forever. It was an odd
situation, but honestly no one has ever said that many nice things
about my genitals.
So, in the end, I would have to say my sugalumps.