I am a very happy-go-lucky, care free guy who is seething with rage at the world around him; looking for any way to escape the Hellish nightmare that is my every day life.

I am a professional stripper clown who is available for both child and adult parties. Whether you want me to make balloon animals and do magic for your bachelorette party, or get down, take it off, and do my sexy dancing for your 8 year old's birthday party; I am the man for the job. I charge by the hour, so you better be prepared for when I reach the endless handkerchief during my stripping act. That shit alone will go on for 2 hours.

I am a very mean, condescending, jaded, nasty, vile, deplorable, sack of shit. And I do it all with a smile on my face, and a song in my heart.

Entertaining the masses with my balloon animals and my bulging, gyrating leather shorts. Currently using some Crayola crayons I stole from the local elementary school to forge a fake PHD in the field of my choice.

Balloon animals: I'll make you the best God damned balloon animal you have ever seen. Doesn't even have to be a balloon; just get me a condom or latex glove or something.

Hoola-hooping: Many years of gyrating around as a stripper clown has given me some amazing pelvic muscles. I could gyrate a crank around that would power all the windmills in Holland for a year.

My awesome afro, squeaky clown shoes, my hot clown body, and, of course, the massive bulge in my leather shorts.

My clown car: Awesome gas mileage, and I can weave in and out of all the other poor bastards stuck in traffic with the greatest of ease.

Stripper pole: It's been with me for a very long time. I've spun around it so much that it has become a part of me. Also works well as a weapon for when you need to beat somebody down.

Alcohol: Just to make the day even somewhat bearable, I have to be reasonably drunk most of the time. I have to drive drunk, dance drunk, socialize drunk, work drunk, and even type this out drunk.

Drugs: I'll do whatever I can get a hold of. Marijuana, cocaine, heroin, LSD, PCP, whatever. I'll even pop some pills, and down them with some hard liquor. When I'm driving down the street to a client's house knowing what bull shit I'm going to be facing when I get in, I like to be able to go on my own happy fun land trip there. I don't care about the other vehicles on the road whatsoever. All that really matters is that I can drift off and have a fun ride down gum drop lane to candy mountain. Anything to make living with you people more bearable.

Sex: Sex has to be the most pleasurable thing in life. When you drink and do as many drugs as I do, the sex becomes that much more amazing. You're laying there, going at it with your partner, and you're all of the sudden in a magical forest with flying toasters, dancing min-vans, and you're getting squeezed by tentacles from the person you're fucking. Tripping balls makes any sexual encounter unique and awesome.

Parties: Without parties I would probably be out of a job. When I show up at a party completely wasted, you know you're in for a good time. I will do things you couldn't even imagine in your wildest dreams or darkest nightmares. Just make sure you hide all your pets first.

Fucking magnets, how do they work?

I have a HUGE thing for people squeezing my big red nose. If you want to get poked in the ass, all you have to do is give it a good rubbing.

You are looking to have the most memorable night of your life, which you are most likely going to completely forget the next morning.