ea


Soft whispers of failure trickle along my ear

I watch perfect through a chain link fence.

Once held in my hands-

Soft. warm, glowing with life,

My heart and soul. Now stone hard, cold, and unmoving.

Lost is silent hill waiting for the siren,

Where I loose control, constantly running from the monsters that haunt me.

Ripping flesh, exposing my own Brampton cocktail,

Of relief, waiting for the sun to shine...

In between the long dark nights.

Holding hands with ghosts

Talking over tea about the days that killed us,

Laughing all the while at the silliness of it all.

Glancing over my shoulder I can only pray,

For him and the life I lost.


Fences


Heaven's gates closed as I reached the threshold

My grey eyes left to peer in at the glory.

Yet it was just out of reach.

A child's fingers reaching through an iorn gate.

Whishing to feel something.

To find self worth in a secret garden,

Peering over a privacey fence,

Of the well to do, a yard full of toys.

Full of laughter from the family.

Jumping over a fence in an alleyway

Forced to pain my adolesence out of site,

Bleeding into cement walls,

Racing along a chain link fence.

Growing into this American rat race

Trying to survive, and get to the cheese first.

As I lean on a railing

Trying to force each step

My numbers are limited.

Heaven's gates closed as I reached the threshold.

My grey eyes loft to peer into glory.

And I ran.



Ragdoll


Gone
Love, life, death, dreams-
Sucked from a young girl
By a devilish twister.
Idle she sits on the window sill
Ice eyes staring, unable to focus.

Unknown hands work busily,
To keep up the appearance.
Ringlet curls and a Lacey dress.
Hard glass skin shining
As apathetic tears fall.
She shines like a star.

Time passes and she finds,
It harder to hold herself up.
Nine prescriptions ought to keep her...
Under control.
Medicated her head tilts to the side.
In comes the seamstress.

Gently sewing the little doll's lips.
She has no choice but to smile now.
Quick! The heart has shattered
To nothing more then dust!
Need a replacement...
A fork? A shoe? A drug?
Well it wasn't needed, leave it empty.

Under the constant pressure of tears,
The glass skin shatters.
We'll replace with socks and sew in softness.
One grey, one black.
Will be hidden by the lace anyway.
No one will know.

Alas! The beautiful blue eyes!
They have cried all of their colour!
Rip them out, and toss them.
No room here for unhappy eyes.
Replaced with two buttons.
Big, bright, blue and happy.

Time flies as the poor doll suffers,
Unable to cry, or heal or see.
But to the people, they see nothing wrong.
She is just a rag doll,
And she is fine,
As long as they keep sewing her back together.



Shattered


It would seem as if it had just been one-
Drop of rain on a cracked windshield.
Before I shattered.
The glass digging it's way into my skin,
Leaves unseen open wounds.
Trembling hands wrapping around my chest,
In fear of bleeding to death.

You thinking of leaving is like-
Hearing you have cancer.
I'm sitting here curled up in myself,
Just waiting to die.
Holding my breath for hours at a time
Trying to find the strength within myself
To not pathetically cry.

To hear that you don't know why you're unhappy,
That you still love me,
Burns my skin.
My mind is panicking, telling me to escape.
And still after this shattering heartbreak
I can't fathom living this life
Without you.

If you don't want me
Why don't you just let me go?
The plans have been drawn, the timing is perfect.
The want and desire is burning.
I am a corpse.
Empty, thoughtless, yet full of pain.
Let me go.


Strength


My spirit shakes my shoulders as it falls into place,
Blue eyes wide with astonishment.
I could never admit to the rushing memories that flood me.
The guilt that grinds itself through my veins,
It makes my blood boil, leaving a delicate blush.
In the same token it burns, like the bluest flame.
I am lost in my lack of self control.
A constant fight against this roller coaster of mood swings.
Because it's not only up and down, but right and wrong.
Shuddering I feel my hands press you back,
Forcefully.
Your eyes glance down as you try to mask your hurt.
You've been here before.
Trying to protect your loved one from your worst enemy.
Difficult, of course seeing as we share the same body.
My apologies echo off the empty walls,
Softly you say 'it's okay' and hold me close to you.
Even the feeling of your skin seems wrong.
I hate what I'm doing to you.
Yet...I'm too selfish to go...
I know without you, this image that I've portrayed
Would be lost in the grinding gears in my mind.
But it's more then self preservation.
It's the love I feel for you, that really keeps me holding on.
A constant battle between heaven and hell.
I don't wish to drag you down with me,
But to not drown you in my instability,
Is to strip away those soft few moments.
Laying in bed, bare chested next to each other.
Talking about everything, which means nothing in comparison.
Waiting for you to come home at night,
To wake me at midnight, just to see how our days went.
I wish I had the strength to ask you,
If you have the strength to bare me.

I'm just afraid of your answer.



Op. 27


The soft piano plays as I shut the sun out
Moonlight Sonata Op. 27...
Such a decadence to the senses.
Silence engulfs the daily chaos.
My down barrier wrapped tight.
Left to rest my aching head,
On a softness I don't have to worry about.
The piano plays with it's magical fingers,
On a 9.99 special.
Chaotic, yet subdued.
Much like myself.
A sigh escapes, my back arches,
A simple C note, in a high octave
Grants me a guilty pleasure.
We ride into the softness, sadly.
The monotony of lives-
We cry over the five o'clock traffic.
We cry over freezing families.
We cry in our own confusion,
And inability to understand.
We pray for something more.
Something beautiful and free.
A life where there is no worry,
No pain, or suffering.
We cry for a dream.
Left to drown
Serenaded by Moonlight Sonata.
Op. 27.







Fake Living


The music thrashed my body forward, betrayal spills over my mind ...
Like a wine glass that's been over filled.
Prayer turns into a plea, then a threat.
The insanity ripping at the forgotten mines in your mind. Temporarily, trying to stabilize
I fake Living.
Wired when you try to sleep, exhausted when you wake up.
Bored with life and death... ideas, memories, theories
On something no one knows a damn thing about.
That song plays over and over- play that fucking song.
Looking for something you felt when you were younger.
That drug that made you sane, calmed the demons of your crawling skin.
Before you became this bag of organs.
9-5 thinking of nothing but the impossible.
To bleed or burn, the pain you yearn for when you're tossing in your sleep.
Barely gone, just enough to provoke the nightmares- then wake to a new nightmare!
Broken fingernails, bleeding fingertips, Is anything worth fighting for?
I say I'm done.
I am not the same.
I am a hollow name, pieces of past lives, everyone else s memories.
Promises lie, whispering along my neck.
I realize this lie, the shadow behind my ego... begging for my attention.
Begging to keep me, one body in a sea of hallow hearts.
I don't apologize for my disturbances. It's what you, I, everyone needs!
Wake up, break the glass and feel yourself choke and sputter on the tar!
Full of bugs and dirt.
I would give anything to do something more, all I can do is scream, cry, slam-
My body into the cement walls!
Hair pulling, nails scratching crimson rivers along the desert, of dry cracked skin.
Shuddering breaths drain the flesh from my face, revealing the dark patches in my mind under my eyes.
Right under the skin, the blood boils, under a swaying body, a blood lined grin.
Black eyes, lips, fingertips, legs, ribs...a bruised soul, too weak to stand on it's own.
Leaves me with no feeling. I don't feel a fucking thing!
I'd do anything just to fucking feel!
The signs show, food looses appeal, water tastes like old vinegar.
The sun burns holes in something you would all- love to touch.
Love to break, to rip apart, to cover up.
Stop looking for the easy way out! Face. This. Pain.
Face the mental highway forever stuck with 5 o clock traffic.
Face the horns blaring, the light breezing by.
Face the casualties from the accidents of those too important to use caution with others.
Face the misery, face the monotony,
Face the ever living fucking boredom growing inside.
Face the fact that you're pretending to be alive.

Fake life.






Madness


It's cold here...
Where I've chosen to recharge.
The monotony has turned all these wanting voices-
Into something of a soft snowfall static.
My breath escapes the confusion in my head,
Along a frosted winter stream.
I watch men gather their women, women their children,
As they escape just to disappear.
It's simply madness, madness my dear,
And we see it everyday.
Escaping warmth, familiarity, comfort...
Into a chance of the unknown just to battle the voices
The voices that make your skin crawl,
That make your hands shake.
That turns the air you breath into a poisonous fume.
Death and destruction are left in your wake,
Families, friends, fade along the darkness.
They call it depression, I call it-
Boredom overdose.
That small tick in your eyes that tell you it's alright.
It's alright to drop your life into invisible hands.
It's alright to drop your soul,
Into a black box.
Damn you apathy, monotony, ignorance !
You are my heroin, burning under my skin.










Distance


Silent stars, on this windy night I pray,
Swallow distance whole.
Every distance between love and hate,
Life and death.
Write my fate in stone
And surround it by gentle tides.
For if a flower should grow,
Then you have written hope,
In such a stone.

My fingertips yearn to bridge this gap,
Left within me by my other half.
Nothing is certain anymore.
The cold stings,
The heat burns.
I find no comfort other then sleep.
A bleak darkness,
Where I can at least convince myself:
"This is a nightmare."
















Linger


Constant sadness, why do you linger?
Such a soft contemplation....
The sun tugs on my shoulder in youthful impatience,
Yet I am drawn to you like a long lost lover.
Your beauty is simple,
Delicately decorated in struggle...
Which I have translated into strength.
Each doubts stands in front of the sun,
With a mob protection like presence.
Arms crossed, disapproving, with a sigh.
I continue to stare down my vampiric lover
With a grin that only we understand.
In a place we only go, providing fuel for our fire.
Perhaps it is I who linger.





















Souls of the Mosaic


Your words danced along my ears,
And played in front of the jealous children on the school ground.
Fingertips long to touch the winter frost against their summer skin...
This heart in yearning breaks free,
Shattering bone and glass into my core-
They paint painful memories on this pale canvas.
The scars trace lines of paths,
Taken but forgotten while time glides up in smoke swirls.
I find peace that there is no reason to it's path-
And yet I find fear in the same dream of not knowing.
Silent I can only stare ahead blankly,
Waiting for a sign tattooed to my mind by the media.
I find false hope that life would be courteous enough-
For life is to big, too bold, too bare,
To care for the confusion of one soul in a mosaic.
After all each soul, while playing it's part, is only one small piece,
Of a very large production.
I've found during my short time in this world,
That we only see the bigger picture, only then can we make sense of it.
To take a closer look, would be to recognize that every tile,
Even the colors we don't approve of,
Are part of the same masterpiece that we find ourselves working for.
Perhaps that is why contentment seems impossible.
Why understanding is just out of reach of your stretching grasp.
Time after time we are reminded of our colors.
Our colors are more important, our colors have more meaning.
So this I pray, while I am stained red-
Please do not let your blue words dance along my ears.
Do not let me be envious of your rich green vibrancy.
And for the love of truth, release my soul from wandering- Into the black abyss.
On the same token, let me not be afraid to taste other colors.
Let me wonder in a forest and stand in awe of it's beauty.
Provide the strength to get me through darkness,
Rather then around it.
Give me the curiosity to live life to it's fullest,
To keep my colors strong.
And to dance along other ears, and make them wonder as well.























Until Darkness


The night whipped around me in it's cold silver curls.
Fingertips grasped the bar behind me as my toes looked over the ledge.
The world lay in front of me like a light bright, they sparkled with their own colors.
Such a magnificent painting lay below me, if only I had the strength...
If only I had the strength to accept it. If only I had the strength to see.
Closing my eyes I memorize this very moment,
In some hope that it will follow me to my destiny.
That this path I've chosen will lead me to a better place,
Where I can bask in the glory of sacrifice rewarding it's host.
I feel the cotton woven into my sweatshirt,
Finger tips run over the stitches in my jeans.
I remember putting my hair up in curls, hair spray burning my nose.
The delicate line of black coal under my eyes that makes the blue really pop.
Shimmer spread on my lips to give me that extra shine.
I mentally run over my past stops and responsibly ...
Did I feed the dog?
Did I turn the stove off when I made green tea.
Did I pay the rent for this month?
As if any of it matters anyway, though it's hard to let go.
Life's monotony have been deeply sketched in my brain.
In the back of my mind a little voice cries out from the cells.
I see your face and for the first in a while, I feel a tear on my cheek.
I cannot allow myself to feel for you, for I am already spent.
I dream of you swooping in on a white horse to save me.
Leaning back on the bar behind me, holding me to this mortal world.
How can another save me from the constant that is my reality.
It's my soul that's burnt, my mind that's torn,
And I doubt any doctor could sew that.
It's cold, and I relish in the fact that I will never feel his sting again.
Then your face appears below me, searching up.
Screaming, crying running... I heard a crash and you dive through the window.
This is the moment...the moment of truth.
Do I lay in selfish posture and let you see me weak, make you want me.
Or do I let go, leave your soul in one piece, before I smash the glass.
The wind pushes me ...he edges me on, like a parent letting go of a bike.
And I fall into the lights, arms out stretched.
My eyes match the race my mind has seen for so long.
Until darkness.
















I'm Blind


These eyes once content that brought the world for me to see, are on strike.
They've filed a grievance with the labor of body mechanics.
Seems it's become a trend, the hands seem to follow
Marching down their lines with shaking picket fences.
My mind hides in it circular office, under a desk. Disaster has fallen.
We've given the power and direction to one single organ,
And fear has driven through his blood like a cancer, what is a woman to do?
The mundane tasks and paper work pile up on the secretary desk.
The population of the paper weights making all other office supplies uncomfortable.
On the outside I suffer from all this inner bickering.
The white blood cells have had enough, and are moving out of town.
The force of fingernails have been untended and are cracked, brittle and broken.
They want better care for their wounded, and better polish to boot.
Skin cells have been using the moisture irresponsibly,
Left with a dandruff storm, hot winter in the driest desert.
The heart wants to demand a vacation, for he is tired too.
He's looked at the door many times, but hasn't walked out yet. Thank God!
And lastly...the legs have just let themselves go.
They don't work out or absorb nutrients like they used to.
Most of the time they just complain about the hamstring like the black sheep of the family.
So on the outside, I apologize for seeming irrational.
I know I still need to lend assistance to my company, make my money...
While my insides are thrown into chaos, and my spirit flutters in an out.
I mean would it really kill him to give me a call if he's going to be out that long?
Pardon me, no fuck you.
I need some inside me time.































That Night


Fear.
It rose from the pavement.
Black tar like fingertips grasped the neck of the living.
All joined in a collective gasp.
The darkness became reality,
Mental monsters roamed free,
Through the parks, schools, and churches.

'The end is coming.'
Played on the wind,
While bells sang their heavy tone.
The muscles of the human body,
Ripping, shredding, screaming, bleeding,
Against the pressure of fear.
Stripping the tar off their burnt skin.

Lover's watched each other in vain,
Planted to their pavement,
Hands out stretched.
As parents watched their children,
Seemingly unaffected.
The mental monsters met the young,
With a candy they were turned.

Upon the hill this monster became formed.
Every human wrapped in fear,
Found themselves as if looking in a mirror.
The tar held it's struggle,
And people began to die.
Looking in the mirror,
These are the ones who took their own life.




Dear Devil


Dear Devil
Please do not toy with my heart.
It has ripped and shredded in many places,
I truly fear it will break.

Dear Devil
Please lift this curse that has been bestowed on me.
My shoulders ache from the weight they carry,
I truly fear they will break.

Dear Devil
Please desist your constant taunts
My mind is overloaded and screaming,
I truly fear it will rip.

Dear Devil
It's been so long since I opened my eyes,
Without fear of the overbearing sun.

So long since I've seen the world's beauty,
This cloud will not raise from my site.
My hands are trembling with the fear that life-

Might not be worth it.
Not even love has been able to lift this.
There is no poetic escape or underground tunnel.

I know for I have crawled on the frozen ground,
I have watched my fellow crawlers die,
Under a winter frost.

My hands have bled from being forced on nails
Along the way.
My clothes are torn, ice sticking out of my wounds.

Have I not suffered enough?
Are there no other's that provide this entertainment for you?
I have faced cold, starvation, humiliation!

The holidays hold no cheer!
The lights blur together and are outshone by light pollution.
I feel my soul ripping with this burning sadness,

And hurry to run a thread of hope.
Though it bleeds and causes me pain,
I am terrified of running out.

But I am.

Dear Devil
Your game is almost won.
I am slipping.

I have...
Fallen.














Don't Jump


The wind wisps around our bodies...
Guided by the city lights,
We sigh and close our eyes.

Toes pressed over the ledge,
An infinite fall before us...
We hold each other close.

Memories fluttered-
Through the holes in our hair,
Created by a goddess on the wind.

Do we love strong enough,
To carry over this ledge?
The fear envelopes us...

But it is he who we run from.
Darkness that sticks in our mind,
Like a thick tar.

"Don't jump!"
It was fear who pushed us...
As we looked over our shoulder.












Blessed


The lights flash by on an artificial highway...
Alone inside a small house on the corner of the street,
We glance at their shadows, piercing through our windows.
Inside reside two bodies, entangled and entwined together
A small dog, and old bed, and a shared pillow.

It may not look like much, but inside we thrive.
Our tainted demeanor shakes away the ashes and rust.
Silent lips and quiet eyes, brighten for their second birth.
We laugh as we play, with no toys, but each other.
Perhaps there is a reason we have no white picket fence.

We do not have banks of money and gallons of change,
As a matter of fact, rent is the most frightening enemy.
Heat is defined as two people sharing a robe-
As a small dog digs his way in between us.
Smiles fill the room with a warmth that man cannot recreate.

And while the mundane remains to be a struggle,
We still find ourselves richer then most humans could be.
We lay together, falling into each other with each breath,
Every heart beat sounding off the other's chest as we sleep...
We are a family, who finds completion in each other.

And we are blessed.







The Hunter


You shook me, with the force of shaken infant syndrome.
Your pleading voice broke through this icy gate.
Black clouds swirled with an angry stirrer as I stared...

How dare you think you could walk this path.
With thorns and risen roots plotting to demoralize me,
Endless, hopeless, left to trudge covered only by lack of will.

Are you my zombie prince? Ready to rescue?
One, two, three slaps in the face, not nearly enough-
To halt your annoying persistence?

Why care, why cry, why wonder?
Not even this scripted name has cursed your thoughts,
Perhaps all you need is a pretty face to edge you on.

This is no game my dear, no youthful film,
Life will not halt to my pain and bring back warm rays of the sun.
Forever in darkness is where this corpse lies, trudging.

Hunter! Leave me be, you speak of love as if you know her!
She is strange to you, myself, anyone.
She is just a Spanish fly, expected to never die in a swirling intoxicated existence.

You promise the world and yet can't even open his eyes!
You only show interest and tolerance when it suits you just right,
Your motive hidden under soft fabrics, skin, and blood.

You wish to save me from myself, and I can't help but laugh.
If I cannot will my hands from my throat, then how can you?!
Can you tame this blade? This blood? This pain?

The very fear of why you pursue is enough to keep me walking razor's edge.
For I can trust no other then this dying heart,
Who gives me strength with every bleeding, beating cry of pain.

Give me strength my darkness.
Give me strength.

Gone
Love, life, death, dreams-
Sucked from a young girl
By a devilish twister.
Idle she sits on the window sill
Ice eyes staring, unable to focus.

Unknown hands work busily,
To keep up the appearance.
Ringlet curls and a Lacey dress.
Hard glass skin shining
As apathetic tears fall.
She shines like a star.

Time passes and she finds,
It harder to hold herself up.
Nine prescriptions ought to keep her...
Under control.
Medicated her head tilts to the side.
In comes the seamstress.

Gently sewing the little doll's lips.
She has no choice but to smile now.
Quick! The heart has shattered
To nothing more then dust!
Need a replacement...
A fork? A shoe? A drug?
Well it wasn't needed, leave it empty.

Under the constant pressure of tears,
The glass skin shatters.
We'll replace with socks and sew in softness.
One grey, one black.
Will be hidden by the lace anyway.
No one will know.

Alas! The beautiful blue eyes!
They have cried all of their colour!
Rip them out, and toss them.
No room here for unhappy eyes.
Replaced with two buttons.
Big, bright, blue and happy.

Time flies as the poor doll suffers,
Unable to cry, or heal or see.
But to the people, they see nothing wrong.
She is just a rag doll,
And she is fine,
As long as they keep sewing her back together.

So this is my first entry. Perhaps in the future I will fill it up with all kinds of monotonous daily dribble but for now, in my search for fellow poets, I will be posting my writing. Enjoy.

Fear.
It rose from the pavement.
Black tar like fingertips grasped the neck of the living.
All joined in a collective gasp.
The darkness became reality,
Mental monsters roamed free,
Through the parks, schools, and churches.

'The end is coming.'
Played on the wind,
While bells sang their heavy tone.
The muscles of the human body,
Ripping, shredding, screaming, bleeding,
Against the pressure of fear.
Stripping the tar off their burnt skin.

Lover's watched each other in vain,
Planted to their pavement,
Hands out stretched.
As parents watched their children,
Seemingly unaffected.
The mental monsters met the young,
With a candy they were turned.

Upon the hill this monster became formed.
Every human wrapped in fear,
Found themselves as if looking in a mirror.
The tar held it's struggle,
And people began to die.
Looking in the mirror,
As they stole life that night.