I am not doing so well today. I am very disappointed in people. In you. Negligence, hypocrisy, preconceptions, dogmatism, contempt... Sometimes I really don't know how much longer I can take it and, if it does come to the point where I can't take it, what do I do?
I think my biggest problem here, on okcupid, is with negligence. The simple lack of care for a fellow human being, either because seeing the words of a message does not make your brains click to the fact that a real flesh and blood person wrote them, or because you think that introducing yourself to someone and getting to know them can be undone by avoiding all further contact with that person.
My optimism about people survived events that made me doubt my sanity. I trust every person I know and stop trusting them only if they proved to be untrustworthy. People didn't use to earn my trust - they had it to begin with and all they could do was to lose it.
I chose to be naive. I used to say that for that single amazing person which deserves your trust, it's worth it to get screwed over again and again by all the others. As the years went by, I realized that even the amazing ones eventually became part of "the others".
If you think you can deal with this kind of pessimism, then consider writing to me. I don't think I will write first to anyone again. I am sick of placing hope in profiles. Most of you never wrote back and the few exceptions stopped writing 2 or 3 messages later.
I don't answer all my mail either, but the only unanswered ones are the messages which seem insincere, who ask a chat question, or which don't appear to be addressed to me specifically.
I don't know if my standards are too high, but I'm certainly not going to write first to anyone again. And, of course, I won't browse profiles with the intention of making a connection.
I'm not sure what about myself I want to convey here, but I'm hoping I'll recognize it when/if I see it. I kept deleting what I wrote, so I'm taking a break now. I'll write more at some point. Here's what's left after the most recent paragraph deletion:
I am not scared of the unknown. Nothing is more scary than not having novelty in one's life. Even if it kills me, it's still more interesting than living the safer same-old days again and again.
My biggest fear is to become chronically ill, suffering increasingly more each day without dying. Even so, I'd choose to be Stephen Hawking rather than Paris Hilton any day. When I think of these two people, it makes me sad that Hawking is considered the disabled one.