1.yes, my name on this thing is idiotic and ridiculous, but for whatever reason i briefly considered myself a genius for adding "zorz" to the end of things. what is up with that? i don't know. but whatever. and really, it tells you all you need to know—i'm a ridiculous idiot, and i like tattoos.
2.I apologize for the length. i just kind of got going.
but seriously, look, here are the bullet points for your reading enjoyment/ease:
-30 years of age
-writer (music and video games)
-i like video games, i really don't think this makes me a loser as i also like reading and movies and travel and cooking and blah blah blah. besides, if you watch bazillions of hours of reality television, who the hell are you to judge anyone (and really, isn't moving something on a screen better than just staring at it?)? And let's not forget that the stories in some of these things are reaching phenomenal already. i mean, look at that recent walking dead game! i'll stop talking about games now, but i really like them so...uh...know that. oh, actually-one more thing: dudes have been faking interest in a bajillion things for ladies for a bajillion years, so you can at least pretend it doesn't bother you. it's not like i play all fucking day every fucking day.
-i swear so goddamn much.
-i do the ellipses far too often. i can no longer help it.
-i type in all lower-case and handwrite in all capitals. this was not conscious, and i actually didn't notice until very recently when somebody i know told me i do this. i do not care.
-i can't even count how many tattoos i have anymore (i promise i'm not a douchey, metalcore kind of guy nor am i a douchey knit hat in the fucking summertime kind of guy). having worked as a desk girl in a shop for a couple years, i kind of picked up a bunch. no bodysuit, but i do i have hand tattoos, and this apparently turns some people off so be aware. i've also heard it turns some people on, so that'd be cool and i will totally show them to you.
-longtime musician. guitar (doesn't everybody?). does being able to serenade you with jeff mangum's cover of phil spector's "i love how you love me" earn me points? if so, i can totally do that. otherwise, i don't think my band is about to make it (mostly because i don't have a band anymore) and i won't ever force you to listen to me play. i do, however, love harmonizing. so if we could do that it'd be great.
-big fan of being up front. not to the point of needless cruelty, but isn't it always much nicer to be open with people instead of wasting everybody's time? i'm not like, OLD or anything, but i have gleaned enough information to know that humans usually decide about whether or not they like someone within moments of meeting. as such, who wants to sit through coffee with someone while your mind is shrieking, "good lord! does this troll need to get to the hospital, or is that face condition a normal/painless thing!?" which, i suppose, is to say that even though i'm no, uh, *insert super-handsome celebrity male here*, i still would like to be attracted to somebody. yeah, we've all seen a million movies and love to tell ourselves that we could totally learn to love that monstrous uggo because of their sweet disposition and super-intelligence, but that's not usually how it plays out. hell, the few times in my life i've met a beautiful woman who turned out to be a literate, kind and generally happy person were just aces. that said, i don't, like, have prerequisites for beauty. i'm only 29, and there are probably a lot of things left in heaven and earth that i don't even know i like yet.
-i have this bad habit of assuming i'm smarter than everyone. that sucks, right? sorry. just telling you now. and even though i never say it out loud, you'll probably hate that about me. maybe i am so charming and sincere that it's ok? it's not? alright then, homegirl, i'll cut it out just for you.
-i can find just about any kind of music to like—including country because fuck you if you think classic country doesn't rule, and no i don't just mean johnny cash, who is great but not the only fucking country musician to every exist prior to the fall of the genre in 1978—but i cannot...nay, WILL NOT stand for dubstep or reggae. i fully admit that there are plenty of talented DJs in the world, but there is simply no comparison to the two-plus decades i (and many others) spent with bleeding fingers and aching hands in an effort to play the guitar or bass or drums or whatever. Also, reggae sucks. Sorry. I don't smoke weed, so it is pointless to me. Skrillex can fuck the fuck off. same for john mayer and jason mraz. anyway, i will never be famous for playing music, but i can usually figure out whatever song you like and i'll totally be that dude who comes to your work and sings to you while all your co-workers burn with envy (but only if you want, girl, because i don't ever want to embarrass you). in fact, i will totally be that dude who relentlessly makes every girl who has ever wronged you get fat. y'know, cause i love you, girl.
-everything is funny to me.
-i can't stand what the internet is doing to the world and grammar and even writing. i mean, for every one of me who writes professionally there are a hundred jerks doing it for free. furthermore, if i have to read one more fucking meme (ugh, don't even like saying that word!) i'll flip. snark can be funny when it's a finely tuned mechanism that whomsoever snarks has worked on for ages. a couple bitchy words layered over a raptor drawing is a waste of time and a ridiculously un-funny way to tell me what you're about. why don't you just tell me what you're about like a human, you know?
-yes, i have a facebook account, but i hardly use it anymore beyond a simple way to organize faraway friends for easy emailing. in addition to that, i'm sick and fucking tired of what i like to call "facebook activism," which is to say that posting about how wal-mart sucks does nothing at all. do these people seriously put something in facebook about "don't buy pants at wal-mart!" and then dust off their hands like they're some sort of Cesar-fucking-Chavez level hero? and really, if you drive a car you've already had your punk-club card revoked. let's just all try to do the best we can for fuck's sake. if you really want to make such an impact, fucking volunteer someplace or shut it up. sometimes fools gotta pick up a pair of 6 dollar pants...shit!
-also, if cats could speak, they'd be well-spoken and polite...none of this "can haz" bullshit that makes my fucking skin crawl. if you have ever used "ermagherd," i probably hate your guts. unless you're a mega-babe, in which case i'm into anything you do and you'll probably never know i curse the day you were born.
-i. love. cats. furreal. and cats love me. they know that i can pet them properly, and i will totally buy your cat tuna and presents and stuff. it's not my fault--they're adorable.
-everything is funny. can't stress that enough.
-i'd go on, but you've probably given up reading all of this. i know it's a lot.
-oh, before i forget i smoke. i don't care if you smoke, i don't care if you don't. i'm just letting you know so you can respond accordingly. if you don't like smokers, that's cool. we don't like you, either. i totally have mints and try pretty hard not to stink. my friend recently said that sometimes i've been smoking and nobody even notices. i'm quitting soon, anyway, but in the meantime it's a thing.