Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Fact: I live in Middle America (aka "flyover-country" for many of
you) but am in and out of NYC and London often for work so figured
that rather than continue to hang out with boring ass coworkers,
perhaps it might be (a lot) more fun to make a local acquaintance
who is interested in enjoying the company of a smart, attractive,
well-endowed Midwestern boy who specializes in conversationalizing,
pleasurizing your special parts and feigned immodesty.
ChristianMingle.com just wasn't working out very well and Tinder is
not nearly as useful for weeding out dummies so I figured I'd give
this a whirl. Applications now being accepted.
Unsolicited user reviews:
"I look at your profile... and I think, 'Nerdy guy who has read
pick-up guides to try to score women by adopting the alpha male
stereotype. Probably has an ugly face and a terrible case of social
awkwardness. Probably spent an ungodly amount of time on his
-- 22-year-old female (Chicago, IL)
Response: Probably ;)
You are "a horrible human being" who is undoubtedly
"compensating for a baby penis."
-- 36-year-old female (Naperville, IL)
Response: My grandmum would definitely take issue with your first
"I want to taste you."
-- 31-year-old male (San Francisco, CA)
Response: While a me-sandwich does sound yummy, if I'm going to be
the meat then I'd prefer the buns to be female.
"I DO think you sound like a douche, but for some reason I still
want to rub my tits against your abs."
-- 21-year-old female (New York, N.Y.)
Response: Can I has?
Typical reaction: "WHAT A DOUCHE -- albeit a physically fit,
surprisingly eloquent, perhaps devilishly attractive douche who is
willing/able to profess a disarmingly (if not downright charmingly)
self-aware brand of douchiness."
I'll try keep this semi-short for expediency's sake. [Editor's
note: I failed.] True story: if you are able to stomach the
initially disagreeable outer layer of douchiness that dominates
this profile and we end up hitting it off you shall be rewarded.
Summary: I like where I'm at personally, professionally,
physically, psychologically, and any other of those -ally's, but I
travel a lot (primarily NYC, Boston and SF) for work and would like
to meet a lady who has her own things going on but would like to
grab some drinks, share a few laughs and/or practice a little
babymaking for pretend.
Some fun facts about me: Just like everybody else on here I am
extremely attractive and devilishly intelligent, but unlike them I
have the pics and conversational skills to prove it. I can be
discreet. Sometimes I'm laid-back, sometimes I'm not; sometimes I'm
down to earth, sometimes I'm not -- but I'd rather somebody punch
me in my erogenous zone rather than use either of those lame,
generic phrases to describe me. I rarely lose my cool, know how to
treat a lady, never forget a face, but can be bad with names. I
have an extremely supple mind, maintain a very active lifestyle,
harbor several seemingly insatiable desires, and don't really give
a shit about the Oxford comma. I have a serious (ie, big boy) job
that demands a lot of my time (especially lately... sigh), but in
and around talking about subcutaneously administerable
oligonucleotides and series E convertible debentures I will be
daydreaming about how amazing your tits look when your back arches
as you cum.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Working too much... but who isn't. My particular professional
endeavoring involves slaving away in a non-corporate environment
connected to (and sometimes preying on) the healthcare industry. In
my free time I'm doing what little I can to raise the collective IQ
of guys on here who have posted one or more self-aggrandizing
shirtless pics of themselves, all the while silently judging you
for visiting a profile so thoroughly wreaking of douchiness.
Apparently I'm also very independent, arrogant and sex-driven (in
that order). I'm not so sure I would agree with all that but, then
again, who would I be to argue with some OKC quant geeks?
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
* Profoundly revering highly set nipples
* Conversationalizing your panties off
* Feigning sociopathic tendencies
* Showering you with...attention
* Valuing the principles of GGG
* Reverse-cowboy watching
* Ladyboner affectationing
* Maintaining eye contact
* Personal photography
* Orgasms facilitation
* Clitoral stimulation
* Painting your face
* Mustache rides
* Spoiling you
* Hair pulling
* Sexy sex
* Meta irony
* False modesty
* False immodesty
* False false modesty
* Full-body massaging
* Pearl necklace alchemy
* That thing with my tongue
* Giving you a little heads up
* Talking filthily in Cebuanese
* Reminding you to cup the balls
* Those other things with my tongue
* Pretending my face is a bicycle seat
* Respecting my premarital celibacy vow
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
is my abdominal region... eventually, however, you would notice my
facial symmetricality, high cheekbones, angular jawline, engaging
eyes, fortunate nose, toned muscles, firm ass and (if you play your
cards right) a strong, flexible tongue -- in whatever order they
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Books: historical non-fiction
Movies: documentaries, indie flicks
Shows: anything from "The Iceman Cometh" to Workaholics, and most
everything in between
Music/Food/Round, Shapely Breasts: My
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
* 8008135 (yours)
* PEN15 (mine)
* Lubricated latex (ours)
* Boxer briefs (mine)
* Multiple orgasms (yours)
* Liquid explosions (OURS!)
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
what's a guy gotta do to meet a woman who legitimately enjoys a
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
After sever years of hands-on research I'm still not sure whether
to call myself more of a "tits guy" or an "ass man". Also, after
happening upon the profile of a young lady who claimed that she
thinks a lot about "How to avoid mascara running after an
enthusiastic facial"... I jizzed just a little. The first female
who instructs me to paint her face will undoubtedly have just
earned herself an irretrievable key to my heart. And pantaloons.
Finally, I hate to admit it but behind all the snark, the mirth,
the haughty bullshit and hypersexual ridiculousness, if you manage
to pierce the myriad walls I've constructed and enter the gated
community that is me you just may find a far more genuine person
than one would think possible for somebody who created a profile of
this sort. Or maybe I'm just a sociopathological douchbag with a
sizable cock. I'm not quite sure yet.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
Executive summary: if you meet my (admittedly strict) criteria I am
at the liberty of offering a money-back guarantee that we will have
a fantastic time together. Don't be shy. Press send. Unless you're
ugly. Then maybe don't.
* ...if you are an attractive, interested, interesting, well fit
bird looking for an attractive, interested, interesting well fit
bloke with whom to share a conversation, hopes, dreams and maybe
more, but not herpes. (Conversation is optional; hopes and dreams
are very optional; "maybe more" is preferable; but herpes-freeness
* ...if you want to debate/prove/disprove whether feminists really
give the best blowjobs.
* ...if you are bendy as all getout and/or have a fondness for Dr.
Pepper chapstick. (Sidenote: is chapstick -- or bed, for that
matter -- in your list of "favorite things" a euphemism for a sex
act? I'm legitimately curious.)
* ...if you are a good girl with bad girl tendencies.
* ...if you prefer hairy manbearpigs -- wait, no, check that: if
you do NOT prefer hairy manbearpigs.
* ...if you would like to further my research that is seeking to
find the perfect pair of breasts via SnapChat (things I do for
* ...and especially if you are on the fence between blocking me for
my über-douchiness and messaging me because you're intrigued. If
this is the case then I recommend the following: (a) have a good
long look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Is this the type of guy
I want to bring home to meet mama?"... if the answer is "Yes!" then
maybe see a psychiatrist but assuming the answer is something more
along the lines of, "Sounds great minus all that 'to meet mama'
stuff!" then (b) do yourself a favor and have quick conversation or
exchange a few messages with me and let that serve as the
tiebreaker. Should you decide to cut off contact with me, don't
worry, I'm not the kind of weirdo who thinks messaging you
repeatedly (or showing up in your driveway blasting hotbeats from a
boombox over my head) is the way to your heart/warm
Executive conclusion: I've long thought anybody posting shirtless
pics on their profile is a HUGE douche. Perhaps this profile is my
way of testing certain sociological theories. Or maybe I am just a
HUGE douche in long-term denial. Feel free to share with me your
opinion on the matter as I'm perfectly capable of constructing a
cogent argument for and against both sides of the debate. Either
way though I figure what exactly do I have to lose by posting this
profile? (Other than a healthy serving of self-respect, of
PS- if you actually read this far I feel like I owe you a cookie or
something. (Preferably the latter.)
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