Update-iest update: I am now engaged! (But I still needs me some local friends)

Newest News: I've been relocated to NY on business for at least a year. I am not single. I am in no way, shape, or form looking to date or become romantically or physically involved with anyone. I was forced to leave my fiance behind temporarily, though we're very happy. I'm brand new to this area and, pathetically, have no friends (insert violin). Seriously... I've only been here less than a month.

Stay tuned for this important message:

---There are no magic words I can type into this little box that will make you decide to like me. You're just going to have to find out for yourself.---

We now return you to your regularly scheduled profile already in progress.

Sometimes I like to pretend that I have my own dating promo.

For example (use that movie announcer voice for the proper effect):

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This summer...

All bets are off, the heat is on, the fix is in, the dogs are out, the game is up, the chips are down, the stakes are high, the odds are low, the danger is huge, the payoff is slim...

Friendships will be made, rules will be broken, wrongs will be righted, and no unturned stone will be left... uh...

Get ready to be turned inside out and upside down.

Jake! The best damned guy you'll see this year.

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Yeah, alright. I suppose I could actually write something useful about myself…

-I'm almost 35 and have yet to shatter a hip.

-I’ve been a starving artist, complete with automobile-shaped apartment.

-I’m a horrible teacher.

-I'm a bit of a goth kid at heart. Years ago, I even looked like one!

-I use ellipses constantly to add dramatic… pauses.

-My cat is cuter than your cat.

-I was born and raised in Las Vegas, but spent 10 years in Baltimore. Somehow, I managed to keep from becoming a murder statistic.

-I know the origin of the term “Hooker.”

-I like my women like I like my coffee... Cold and bitter.

-I am constantly disturbed by the fact that I tend to identify with Stewie Griffon.

-Apparently I have enough OCD to HAVE to answer those silly match questions in blocks of 25.

-I lose a tiny bit of my soul every time I'm forced to hear Kid Rock rhyme "things" with "things".

-Malts are better than shakes.

-I watch Cheers while I cook.

-I bake my own bread.

-My soul has been removed to make more stomach room.

-Seeing an elderly couple holding hands makes me smile.

-I pride myself on standing still enough to cause motion sensing lights to turn off.

-I find the Walkman Effect compelling.

-I often wonder why people are so afraid to admit that they smoke.

-I find pictures of rock climbing women to be intimidating.

-I wear undershirts... But I wear them UNDER shirts.

-I like Roxette. I am not ashamed.

-It boggles the mind how people will judge those who have dating profiles... IN THEIR OWN DATING PROFILE!

-What is all this "Live, Laugh, Love" nonsense?

-I refuse to lie about anything... ever... ... unless it's funny.

-I don't believe that we know what we want. I do believe that we know what we DON'T want.

I am sardonic, sullen, and sapiosexual.

Putting together my very first doomsday device. I know, I'm well behind the curve at 34 years old... Better late than never, right?

Also... I'm attempting to learn Russian (Thanks, Rosetta Stone!). You know, in case I'm ever abducted by aliens.

Combining the forces of truth and justice to form the still stronger force of... Trustice.

Changing a baby's diaper... in a video game. What is this world coming to?

Finding the inane and uninteresting in just about anything.

...Guerrilla Reading. It's my own invention!

...ranting passionately about practically everything.

...and crossword puzzles. Oh, I can do me a mean crossword!

I have no idea, but whatever it is seems to make them want to tell me their deepest, darkest secrets...

Fine, fine... I'll jump on the bandwagon and do the list thing.

Shows: Broadway. I'm a sucker for the musical theater (and the non-musical theater... and the non-theater musical).

Books: I just bought a Nook so I dove into this Game of Thrones (Boxed Set? There's no BOX!) thing that everyone's been going on about. I'm convinced that people put Dostoyevsky in here simply because it's fun to say. Recently read Lolita (just like that guy in the book by Nabakov). Other favorites include: Pride and Prejudice, Brave New World, 1984, The Hitchhiker's Guide, and many, many more!

If you act now, we'll also throw in these favorite movies! V for Vendetta, American Beauty, The Maltese Falcon, Pride and Prejudice (A&E miniseries version), and Fight Club, just to name a few off the top of my head.

Is that all? Of course not! If you email within the next 10 minutes, you'll also receive mutliple musical genres including greats such as: VNV Nation, Dave Matthews, Bif Naked, Pennywise, Disturbed, Apoptygma Berzerk, Christina Aguilara, Rilo Kiley, and Toad the Wet Sprocket! Throw in some bad 80's hip-hop and 90's dance music (think roller skating!) and we've got a party.

Food? Sure, I'll have some food.

If I had an idol, it would be Lewis Black.

Do what, exactly?

-Electricity
-Plumbing
-Pasteurization
-Lighter fluid
-A Thesaurus
-The downfall of Walmart

...if a synonym means the same thing, then what's the purpose, the point, the advantage of using it?

...how women can rant for pages about all of the reasons they WON'T respond to messages, yet still manage to write only two lines about themselves (I like to laugh)...

...why people feel it necessary to "fear" God...

...Nike+ Kinect Training, I love you.

...Nike+ Kinect Training, I hate you.

meeting the person OkCupid tells me is my worst enemy. I've heard that I should keep them close.

When Night Ranger weeds its way onto my iPod while driving, I can't help but pretend that I have an '81 Camaro and creepy blond mustache.

...and that I really want to try this Crazy Blind Date thing. Only without the date part.

I am aware that this still looks like a "dating" profile. That's because it was... successfully, at that (this is where I met my lovely girlfriend). The general gist is still me, of course, so fidget and swap with meanings as you see fit.

If you're looking for a buddy to check out some live music... I'm game. Don't be afraid to say "Howdy". Unless you're not a cowboy, then you can say something else.

Seriously... Who knew that internet NOT-dating was just as difficult (if not moreso) than internet dating?

I am a book... Go ahead. Judge me by my cover. You know you want to.

Zero pressure or expectations... I refuse to meet someone for the first time with the pretense of dating (I am OPEN to it, but I'm not breaking my neck to find it). Whatever happens, happens.

If you haven't specifically stated that you're looking for "New Friends", I most likely won't contact you first. So if you want to talk to me... you're just gonna have to step up and do it.

Also, if your chosen pseudonym is a play on "Looking For Love" and your summary states that you're "tired of kissing frogs," please realize that you are more than likely incredibly uninteresting.

It's not necessary that you understand when to use "who" and when use "whom", but it sure couldn't hurt. And for the love of all that is battered and holy... SPELL-CHECK!

Although, if you believe People of WalMart to be a true indicator as to the direction of our society... please, please talk to me.

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