Alcohol can actually make you live up to 40% longer. Also, like a good many people, I smoke occasionally for the improved cognition and fat-burning side effects.

Riffraff, street rat
I don't buy that
If only they'd look closer
Would they see a poor boy? No, siree
They'd find out
There's so much more to me

I was born, screaming, in York, PA in 1984 to a couple of individuals who were trying to escape the New York City poverty in the 1980's by masquerading as New Age Earth-Children and living in a shack in the wilderness. This ordeal toughened me up, and, after becoming proficient with a spear, I killed and skinned my first goat a few weeks later, providing a good supply of food for my destitute family.

At the age of five, I entered Mayglass school, where I spent eight fun-packed years sewing garments together for Fruit of the Loom, for thruppence ha'penny a month. We received regular beatings. On the weekends, I supplemented my income by enlisting in a gang of inner-city pickpockets, managed by a nice old Jewish man named Goldstein. The Jew had a tendency to molest some of the children, which I managed to avoid because of my malnourishment and disease, common to all the children of York. This money paid for my integration into Bridgetown Vocational College, where I did three years of line dancing and two years of tap, under the tutelage of a flamboyant young Venezuelan called Nyron.

However, a sense of deep shame and lack of faith in my own creativity urged me to venture to Philadelphia, where I studied the dynamics and discourse of rectal thermometry (otherwise known as Political Science). I returned to York embittered by this ordeal, and resolved to re-enter education in the distant land of the Czech Republic.

I'm now celebrating my 24th year of existence here on Earth, a hunk of rock orbiting a nearby star. I walk upright and I'm warmblooded.

growing a franz josef!

scaring stuffed animals into thinking I'm not real.

are totally perverted and wrong.

Books---House of Leaves, Catcher in the Rye, Brief Interviews With Hideous Men, Stuff White People Life, Seven Hill City, On the Road, Darkside Zodiac, Dharma Bums, Food Court Druids, Cherohonkees, and Other Creatures Unique to the Republic, The Hipster Handbook, The Zombie Survival Guide, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim, Timothey McSweeney's, 5 People who Died During Sex, Invisible Monsters, A Clockwork Orange, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Watchmen, The Tao of Pooh, The Tao of Jeet Kune Do, The Stranger, Beowulf

---Movies---500 Days of Summer, Akira, Alpha Dog, Being John Malkovich, Bladerunner, The Breakfast Club, Cannibal the Musical, Closer, Cloverfield, Dazed and Confused, Death to Smoochy, Dig!, Eagle vs Shark, Edward Scissorhands, Elephant Man, Eraserhead, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Fight Club, The Fountain, Hurlyburly, I ♥ Huckabees, Idiocracy, The Labyrinth, Last Tango in Paris, Life Aquatic, Lost Boys, Lost Highway, Lost in Translation, Matchpoint, Mulholland Drive, Napoleon Dynamite, Office Space, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Party Monster, Pi, Princess Mononoke, Royal Tenenbaums, Rushmore, The Shining, Silence of the Lambs, Sixth Sense, Stop Making Sense, Swingers, Taxi Driver, Trainspotting, True Romance, Unico in the Island of Magic, Wedding Singer, Zoolander

---Music---!!!, Against Me, Animal Collective, Arcade Fire, Asteroid No. 4, Bloc Party, Blue Foundation, Brian Jonestown Massacre, Broken Social Scene, CocoRosie, Cocteau Twins, The Cure, David Bowie, Dead Can Dance, Dean Martin, Death Cab For Cutie, Death From Above 1979, The Decemberists, Doves, Duran Duran, Feist, Flight of the Conchords, Ima Robot, Joy Division, M83, Mars Volta, Mogwai, Momus, MSI, Mum, My Bloody Valentine, New Order, Out Hud, Perfect Circle, Pillows, Pixies, Portishead, Postal Service, Queens of the Stone age, Raconteurs, Radiohead, Refused, The Shins, Sigur Ros, The Smiths, Sneaker Pimps, Sonic Youth, Talking Heads, Team Sleep, These Arms Are Snakes, Tom Waits, TV on the Radio, Yeah Yeah Yeahs

---Food---crepes, cheese steaks, Dunkeroos, frosted flakes, chili spiced mango, fried cheese, oreo cookie icecream, Starbucks Popsicles, pizza, ramen

---Television---Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Arrested Development, Assy McGee, Colbert Report, Cowboy Bebop, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Dexter, Entourage, Family Guy, Flight of the Conchords, Futurama, Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, Heroes, Home Movies, House MD, In Treatment, King of the Hill, Metalocalypse, The Office, Ren & Stimpy, Reno 911, Scrubs, Samurai Champloo, Six Feet Under, South Park, Superjail, That 70s Show, Tim and Eric: Awesome Show Great Job, Tom Goes to the Mayor, Upright Citizen's Brigade, Wonder Showzen, Xavier Renegade Angel

anywhere

8======D
^^^size enlarged to illustrate texture

you have a girl boner right now...even though all we would do for a first date is lay together in the pile of stuffed animals at the Disney store until they decided to throw us out.