You want to know me. I'm funnier than a clown car that's on fire. Not only am I funny, but I'm smart. Like REALLY smart. Like being able to download porn and talk to my mom on the phone at the same time smart. I'm so smart that I shit Nobel prizes. If you want to have a conversation about quarks, super string theory, the 10 dimensions, or the metaphysical ramifications of farting in public, then you are a FREAK... but that's cool, I'm more than happy to accommodate... besides, I rather like full frontal nerdity. I can walk on water, eat live bullets and I know where my towel is. I can flip over a car with my tongue and breathe through my ears. There are only 3 truly bad-ass people on the planet, and the other two send ME Christmas cards. While traveling the world trying to find something cooler than myself, I happened across a Bedouin family that was dying of thirst in the desert. I saved their lives by squeezing grape Kool-Aid from a nearby rock. If I do send you an email, it is because I think that you would make a fine devotee that will rejoice my victories and lament my losses. While in my fold, you will learn much. You will learn to appreciate ALL good music; from Vivaldi to The Brides of Funkenstein. You will memorize every last word to the movie Caddyshack...
So, on to why I'm here...
I want to meet someone with a sense of humor who can appreciate a range of witticisms from those that are safe for Sunday to those that make combat hardened Marines blush (or vomit). Someone who can participate in a deep philosophical conversation one moment and then tell me about the funny face the dog made when it humped the neighbor's leg. A person who loves completely and unconditionally like Alabama Worley (bonus points* if you get the reference). I'm looking for someone who can play the role of confidant, navigator, accomplice, goddess, and minx. A person who can kegel lift 50 pounds and is juicy like a Starburst. Someone who can fly and shoot super heated plasma from their hands. A person who doesn't make me want to tear out my own jugular with rusty nails. Someone who knows the lyrics to both Friggin' In The Riggin' and Mrs. Whiskey Name or is at least willing to learn. Someone who is willing to take the time to get to know the real me.
ME: Fun, funny, caring, smart, understanding and very laid back.
YOU: We are building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude. We forge our spirits in the tradition of our ancestors. You have our gratitude.
Odds are that you'll like me. You'll find that my wit and humor are off the scale awesome. Dig a little deeper and you'll find that I am wise beyond my years (and given that I am at an age where a person is expected to have developed a modicum of wisdom, that's saying something.) Dig even deeper still and you'll find that I'm a dauntless romantic. If you care to hear it, I'll share my stories with you, discuss various philosophical topics, make you laugh until your face hurts, and surprise you with at least one of my many talents. Where you take it from there is up to you.
*Points are awarded instantly upon proper verification of aforementioned reference. Points can not be combined with other offers and are limited to one award per household. Points are nontransferable and void where prohibited. Consult your doctor before accepting points. Do not operate motor vehicles or other heavy machinery while accepting points.