43 Sun Prairie, WI
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My self-summary
Wow. Such profile. Very word. Much date. Wow.

It has been brought to my attention that my profile comes across as intimidating to some people. I assure you, kind reader, that I am just as human and flawed as you are (probably more so.) So please, if you find me interesting, let me know. If you're courteous and can hold a conversation, I promise not to ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest... Uhhh... GOULET.

I am an adventurer. I have scaled Gibraltar Rock, repeatedly traversed the deadliest road in the United States, rescued people from the devastation of Hurricane Katrina, ascended to the highest paved surface in the US, swam across Devil's Lake, and survived the black Friday sale of Wal-Mart for 4 years in a row. Truly, I am a force to be reckoned with.

You want to know me. I'm funnier than a clown car that's on fire. Not only am I funny, but I'm smart. Like REALLY smart. Like being able to download porn and talk to my mom on the phone at the same time smart. If you want to have a conversation about quarks, super string theory, the 10 dimensions, or the metaphysical ramifications of farting in public, then you are a FREAK... but that's cool, I'm more than happy to accommodate... besides, I rather like full frontal nerdity. I can walk on water, eat live bullets and I know where my towel is. I can flip over a car with my tongue and breathe through my ears. There are only 3 truly bad-ass people on the planet, and the other two send ME Christmas cards. While traveling the world trying to find something cooler than myself, I happened across a Bedouin family that was dying of thirst in the desert. I saved their lives by squeezing grape Kool-Aid from a nearby rock. If I do send you an email, it is because I think that you would make a fine devotee that will rejoice my victories and lament my losses. While in my fold, you will learn much. You will learn to appreciate ALL good music; from Vivaldi to The Brides of Funkenstein. You will memorize every last word to the movie Caddyshack...but mostly, you will laugh and smile a lot.

So, on to why I'm here...

I want to meet someone with a sense of humor who can appreciate a range of witticisms from those that are safe for Sunday to those that make combat hardened Marines blush (or vomit). Someone who can participate in a deep philosophical conversation one moment and then tell me about the funny face the dog made when it humped the neighbor's leg. A person who loves completely and unconditionally like Alabama Worley (bonus points* if you get the reference). I'm looking for someone who can play the role of confidant, navigator, accomplice, goddess, and minx. A person who can kegel lift 50 pounds and is juicy like a Starburst. Someone who can fly and shoot super heated plasma from their hands. A person who doesn't make me want to tear out my own jugular with rusty nails. Someone who knows the lyrics to both Friggin' In The Riggin' and Mrs. Whiskey Name or is at least willing to learn. Someone who is willing to take the time to get to know the real me... that may be asking for too much, so let's start with open and honest communication that's done often.

ME: Fun, funny, caring, smart, understanding and prone to quoting lines from movies.

YOU: We are building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude. We forge our spirits in the tradition of our ancestors. You have our gratitude. (Extra special bonus points* if you get this reference)

Odds are that you'll like me. You'll find that my wit and humor are off the scale awesome. Dig a little deeper and you'll find that I am wise beyond my years (and given that I am at an age where a person is expected to have developed a modicum of wisdom, that's saying something.) Dig even deeper still and you'll find that I'm a dauntless romantic. If you care to hear it, I'll share my stories with you, discuss various philosophical topics, make you laugh until your face hurts, and surprise you with at least one of my many talents. Where you take it from there is up to you.

I've got the moves like Jagger. Some would call it incontinence, but those are the pants-are-half-empty kind of people that refuse to see the bright side of anything.

*Points are awarded instantly upon proper verification of aforementioned reference. Points can not be combined with other offers and are limited to one award per household. Points are nontransferable and void where prohibited. Consult your doctor before accepting points. Do not operate motor vehicles or other heavy machinery while accepting points.
What I’m doing with my life
Ladies: I've already gotten The Gold-Digger, The Compulsive, The IDK,..WHATEVER, LOL and The Batshit Insane filled out on my dating bingo card. All I need now is Cute & Fun.

If life has taught me anything, it is that the best time to throw darts at a clown is when he is juggling.

Perhaps confidence is one of those things that people can't tell if you really have or are just pretending to have... kind of like the female orgasm.

I'm keeping my finances in order so that I don't have to try to find a cereal that stays crunchy in water.

I'm readjusting to bachelor life. No clean bowls = glass of cereal.

I'm thinking about taking up a hobby of shark punching or maybe spend a summer in the Rocky Mountains teaching adolescent big horn sheep how to head butt.

I'm learning the importance of subtlety. Just the other night I learned the subtle difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.

I'm waiting for that person who has realized that an empty head can no longer sustain them.

I always add "For Heroin" in the memo line of all my checks.

I'm like a case of Tequila: Full of laughter, good times, sexual innuendo, and I will fuck a person up.

Oh, and I have worms.

What? Goulet.

I think that Sid Vicious said it best:
"I plived, ee gah a guh. Dee geh ma ga, I luh da ard wuh. An mo, muh mo dan diih, I DID IT MYYYYYYYY WAAAAAY!!!"

...but if I could be anywhere right now... I'd be in your dreams, infecting your mind with a feverish urge to catch my every honeyed word as they dripped from my lips.
I’m really good at
I make the worlds best chili. This is not up for debate. I know that some of you are tempted to message me to bust my chops about this remark, but save yourself some time, as my chops are unbustable. There have been some people that have said that they make the world's best chili. These people also have their head's so far up their asses that switchback trails have to be cut in just to get to them.

Do you remember the fall of the Soviet Union? The end of Apartheid? Those were the last 2 times that I made my chili. It affects global changes for the good of mankind. ALL HAIL MY MEATY GOODNESS!!!... wait, that didn't sound right.

I'm good at giving advice, such as: Don't sweat the petty things... and don't pet the sweaty things... or: Life may not be what you had planned, and it's rarely what you want it to be, but don't waste the time that you've been allotted today. So put aside the pain and go out and find a reason to smile.

I put the sexy in dyslexic.

I like to snatch kisses... and vice versa.

I'm also great at making a room full of people laugh... or, at least I used to be. Being a male stripper isn't for everybody.

I'm also very good at the "flip cup" drinking game.
The first things people usually notice about me
The thing that people first notice about me is the tumor that I have growing from my back that looks exactly like The Edge from U2. At first, people are kinda creeped out by it, but then fear gives way to curiosity and they want to hear it play a song. They'll come up close and look at it's face and that's when it bites them... HARD. Then the fear comes right back.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

Homer, Larry Niven, Philip K Dick, David Gerrold, Terry Pratchett, HP Lovecraft, Neal Stephenson...

(...and if you read the above list and thought that I meant Homer Simpson and Hewlett Packard Lovecraft, then please message me as I am considering starting my own cult and need to find as many people of your mental caliber as possible.)


The Princess Bride, Snatch, Revolver, Saw, Serenity, Crash, Kentucky Fried Movie, Amazon Women On The Moon, Two Mules For Sister Sarah, Kelly's Heroes, Clue, A Fish Called Wanda...

Well, should I get married, should I be good, should I astound the girl next door with my velvet suit and my faustushood and not take her to movies but to cemeteries and tell her stories of werewolf tongues and forked clarinets...


I have a severe aural fixation. Some of my faves are:
Nomeansno, Slipknot, Vivaldi, Big Black, Rollins, Mozart, Dead Kennedys, Theory of a Deadman, Avenged Sevenfold, GWAR, Clay Walker, Filter, The Jesus Lizard, Chopin, Henrietta Collins and the Wife Beating Child Haters, Josh Groban, Melvins, CCR, My Chemical Romance, Ministry, Cage The Elephant, Revolting Cocks, Butthole Surfers, Josh Turner, Beethoven, Volbeat, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Foetus, Colby Caillat, Alan Jackson, Rammstein, me gusta reggae, me gusta punk rock, pero la cosa que me gusta más es panochita, Ingrid Michaelson, Jet, Santana, Faith No More, Mr. Bungle, Fantomas, Nirvana, Zac Brown Band, Incubus, Rancid, Primus, Aerosmith, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Garbage, T-Rex, Eddie Muthafuckin Rabbitt, Rage Against The Machine, The Ruts, White Zombie, Roger Miller, My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult, The Sex Pistols, James Taylor, Muddy Waters and Elvis Costello.... just off the top of my head.


My chili... and Wickles.
The six things I could never do without
The 6 things that I could never do without:

1. Garlic
2. Laughter -- I believe that the quality of your life can be measured by how little time passes between laughs.
3. Music
4. This space left intentionally blank
5. My friends
6. The letter 'E'
7. I could do without 7
8. Eight... I forget what 8 was for, but nine... nine...
10. Props
11. Cops
12. Come and try ta snatch my crops
13. These pigs wanna blow my house doooooowwwwnnn
14. The oh so delicious souls of the innocent
I spend a lot of time thinking about
- How to smash the white racist, homophobic, patriarchal bullshit paradigm that this country is stuck in.... I mean... whorled peas?

- Who the next Real Posters of Genius should be about. If you're not familiar, have a gander, Polly:

- how when a woman says "I feel good.", it is more often a declaration of being than it is an invitation for inspection.

- How all this aggravation ain't satisfactionin' me.

- How tricky it is to rock a rhyme that's right on time.

- All fortune cookies should read "You're going to have to take a dump in 10 minutes."

- Perhaps the wisest advice that anyone can give at any time is: "Not in the butt."

- Wouldn't it be nice to treat everyone like a decent and respectable human being?

- ‎...and it is this that we all crave. A stirring of the spirit, the caressing of the id, an invigoration of the heart and mind. We take it where we find it - in a song, behind the wheel, or in the eyes and arms of another. We are, every one of us, junkies.

- Honey, I never drive faster than I can see. Besides that, it's all in the reflexes.

- How roses are red and violets are purple. Sugar is sweet and so is maple syrple.

- Before I go to sleep each night, I lie in bed and ask myself, "Did my words and actions today have a positive impact in the lives of the people around me? Did I deal with negativity today in a prudent and positive manner? Did the barista at Starbucks give me all of my change? What the fuck is that prick's problem?"

- How there is a very fine line between fishing and standing around on a riverbank like and idiot with a stick.

- How the good things that come to those who wait may be the things left behind by those who didn't.

- Do urologists sniff their apple juice before drinking it?

- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

- What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

- As sure as anything, I know this: at times it may seem that your whole life is crumbling around you, but every day that you continue on brings you one day closer your day in the sun.

- Life is complicated. The ultimate sandbox platform, offering everyone a plethora of choices and opportunities with just as many rewards as pitfalls. You literally have the world at your feet, so with an entire WORLD full of opportunity remember to feed that urge for adventure when it comes around. Keep your wits about you, but follow your heart. Go explore everything - the physical world around you and the people and things that fill it. Don't be afraid of making mistakes and have the confidence to go back out when you get knocked on your ass... because you will get knocked on your ass, and in it's own way, it'll be wonderful.

- As fucked up as my life has been, I still wouldn't choose to be anyone but who I am today.

- There are two things that smell like fish... and one of them is fish.

- ‎...and sometimes it's not even the promise of happiness, but the faintest glimmer of hope that carries us through.

Modern dating Shakespeare:
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date.
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.
For I have not much, but thou would make a man rich,
And just in case thou were pondering,
Here's a picture of my dick.

(Credit to comedian Kevin Iso)

What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god! The beauty of the world, the paragon of animals—and yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me — nor woman neither, though by your smiling you seem to say so.
On a typical Friday night I am
Waitin' in the front yard, sittin' on a log... a single shot rifle and a one eyed dog, yonder come a kinfolk in the moonlight.... oh wait, that's Louisiana Saturday Night.

On a typical Friday night, I am going around town with my pet orangutan Clyde, making the scene. Every place that I stop I gain more friends. Any time I say something witty I high five the orangutan. I talk loud and laugh louder. Soon the town is buzzing about the super cool dude with the orangutan. Word spreads like wildfire, "Have you seen the guy with the orangutan? You had an opportunity to DATE the guy with the orangutan?!?! OMG! What are you waiting for???"
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I actually work for *** 2 LINES DELETED *** It's not as exciting as you might think -- definitely nothing like the movies. Although on occasion I do get to *** 15 LINES DELETED *** There was no way that I was going to hang around for THAT!!! But most days are actually pretty dull.

Sometimes when I see an attractive lady who is obviously unattached... I get the urge to approach her and throw caution to the wind by just saying "Show me your wits."
You should message me if want to become stronger, smarter, and more beautiful. If you're not FULLY satisfied I will give you DOUBLE your money back!!! Don't delay!! Supplies are quickly running out!!!(Shipping and handling charges may apply)

Oooh! You should message me with proof that you have excellent taste in music even though I won't judge you for your taste in music.

If you think that you can hold my interest for more than a day or two, but you had better be interesting. Since most don't know what is considered interesting, let me set some guidelines:

A story of "I once found a Cheeto shaped like Jesus" is only mildly interesting. A story of "I once single handedly defended our planet from an invading army of triple breasted space monkeys armed only with a tuning fork and a bendy straw.", well now THAT would be really interesting (although I'd probably require a bullet-proof Plexiglas divider should you like to tell the story in person). So let's shoot for something in the middle.

***I usually don't initiate conversations here because I know that women on this site get an overabundance of poorly worded, lewd, disgusting, and nonsensical emails that are in no way entertaining.*** Although I may be lewd, disgusting and nonsensical at times, I feel that I am definitely entertaining and (comparatively) eloquent in my writing. I realize that there are some that can't be bothered to read a profile that is as long as mine, but there are others that have read it all and want more. I have been told on several different occasions that I give great word.

You should also message me if you like taking road trips with no particular destination. It'd be cool if you had a wondrous sense of adventure and exploration.

Oh, if you can't pass the Turing Test, don't message me.

If you've made it this far and read my entire profile, congratulations. It shows that you're not afraid of words (which is sadly becoming more and more commonplace these days).

...and now you have cholera.