Find better matches with our advanced
matching system

—% Match
—% Enemy


38 M New York, NY

I’m looking for

  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 24–51
  • Near me
  • For new friends, long-term dating

My Details

Last Online
Aug 31
5′ 8″ (1.73m)
Body Type
Mostly vegetarian
Buddhism, and laughing about it
Capricorn, and it’s fun to think about
Graduated from masters program
Art / Music / Writing
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Doesn’t have kids, but might want them
Likes dogs and likes cats

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I'm a total lech, I can't spell, and I like to expose myself in public. Misplaced anger, retards and homeless people make me laugh. I believe personal hygiene and sustainable living are absurd wastes of time. Why recycle when you can throw it out the window? Poor people eat bad food because that's what they deserve.

I Tevo commercials.

Bill Hicks for president.

Okay. I'm joking. I'm a fan of irreverence, an enemy of fear-mongering, a friend to those in need. I cry in bathrooms.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Funny. I ask myself this every day. "What the fuck am I doing with my life!" Except it's more of a declarative.

I'm writing stories that probably no one will ever read.

I paint houses. I cater. Sometimes I teach. That's right: your children are in danger.

Or they were.

Resume change:

I work in munitions as a voluptuary within the linguistics department, codifying socks as sox. I originally applied for the position of professing within the Department of Education, but the P.I.C. decided that I was unfit for consumption, bad for the youth. There were whispers around the water cooler, “not very bright.” So they moved me into the basement. When I’m not organizing outdated morphemes and shelving oxford commas, I’m writing a dissertation on the deleterious effects of prepositional phrases in the terminus.

“Against my will papa, against my will.”

On weekends, I pilfer ostracized semicolons and sell them to guerillas on the Lower East Side. They have plans to inject them into the water supply. When it happens, rest assured that most homo sapiens between the ages of six and thirty-eight will hemorrhage and implode. It's called Operation Colonic.

On a side note, have you noticed that everyone in this dating game is an artist, slash writer slash musician slash actor slash writer slash sculptor slash slash... I've never met so many unemployed people in my life. Hee hee haw.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Cooking, gardening, procrastinating, deluding myself, exposing myself to inanimate objects and getting mauled by small dogs and sleeping cats.

I'm told I'm a really good writer... But I think it's a conspiracy.

I'm really good at letting people be who they want to be and not passing judgment.

I can build just about anything. I can build a house from the ground up. What I want to do is build a boat. Then live on it and watch the city burn.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Generally people don't notice me unless I fart. But when they do, probably they notice the crusty stains around the inguinal area, followed by the shabby clothing and a dearth of style. Overall I suspect they smell the stench of an unctuous timidity that translates as creep.

Well... I suppose that's not true either. Well it's kind of true... But not really.

Maybe my eyes?

Or that I am unobtrusive?

Once, when I was an adolescent, I kicked a black boy in the head; does that make me a kicker of black boys?

I think about it often. I'm pretty sure you can't imagine what that feels like, kicking someone in the head.

I'm also pretty sure that's not the first thing you'll notice about me. That is to say the most obvious thing is usually the least important.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Books: ?
Movies: Porn.
Shows: Fox news.
Music: Hootie and the Blowfish.
Food: Fast and cheap.

Oh my god, could you imagine if it were all true? What a date!

I once read Moby Dick and now I am obsessed with it. And Beckett's oeuvre... and Genet's and... But I did not read Infinite Jest. Personally I thought it was an infinite bore.

Melville, Beckett, Woolf, Harry Mathews, David Markson.

South Park, Team America, Gummo.
Anything with Bogart. I love old movies.

Tom Waits, Gogol Bordello, Johnny Cash, Dresden Dolls, Cole Porter, Jazz, Blues, Classical, Wu Tang Clan.

Sucking frozen grapes out of your lover's ass will redefine your world view—providing your lover is an American Mastiff. I mean I'll eat almost anything... But not that.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Ramen Pride, Pudweiser, blowup doll, lube, my favorite trench coat, my Dick Cheney poster.


Breaking the rules.

Not following directions.

But what do I love?

Coffee, boats, the sea, birds, fish, elephants, botany, tomatoes, cucumbers, tea, bourbon, beer, wine, couture, sex in a storm, gardening... Parrots! Parrots and pirates. But not real pirates.

Could I live without them? Of course.

I couldn't live without writing, reading, affection, eating, sleeping.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Sex, money and White Castle. All at the same time! Yeah!

I think a lot about how much I dislike cynicism.

Also, how insidious this website can be (the culture of online dating). How it might pray upon our weaknesses. Our fear of loneliness and the need to be loved. I think a lot about that and what is probably an enormous waste of time. Would that constitute cynicism, or pessimism?

According to this website's analysis of my personality, I'm not very romantic. This is not a true assessment. But then again, people often misconstrue romanticism for sentimentality and vise versa.

But also, just how dark I can get.

I don't even recognize myself here. Look you, is that me? What a troll.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Masturbating. It bothers me that it's not spelled masterbating. When I'm not doing that, I enjoy sliding thinly sliced, rancid cold cuts beneath my neighbor's door... Naw! I like my neighbors.

I'm either out with friends or home writing. These days, mostly home writing and working. I don't actually go out too often on Fridays and Saturdays. Weekends and holidays are foreign concepts to me. For years it just meant more work. We called it amateur drunk night. I'm freelance and make my own hours. I prefer partying in the light of day.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I have abandonment issues.

True intimacy is terrifying and loneliness is embarrassing.

I've seen a lot of ugliness over the years.

I fall in love easily. Yet, I've been burned before, so sometimes it takes me a bit of time to navigate the internal landscape. This tug of war can make me a little batty at times. That is to say, I'm afraid of getting burned again. But of course, who isn't? I guess that's the risk that comes with romantic adventure.

Oh yeah. I almost forgot. Like Blanch Dubois, I lied about my age. But not because I'm ashamed of it. My good friend, who turned me on to this website, said, "You look 36, put down 36." So I did. She said, "If you don't, no one will look at your profile; they're all ageists." That coming from someone who is 28.

Really I'm 43.

Not incontinent.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You're curious.
You want to hangout, have a drink.
If you know what Thomas the Obscure is.
You have strong opinions on the semicolon.
You like body art, literature, theatre, art etc.
You're obsessed with the sea, boats, pirates, fish, birds, elephants, entomology, pataphysics, or botany.
If you have an obsession. I like obsessions.

Or: if you want to expose yourself to me as a means of familial rebellion, even though you flew the coop years ago.

And last: I've been checking you out.