I'm an animal trainer and run my own dog training and walking company. I currently work with only dogs and plan on starting a wildlife outreach company. I write, take photos and intermittently do stand up comedy. I have a dog named Loki who is a good boy (Yes he is).
What I’m doing with my life
I'm what I like to call "indoorsy"; even though I hike and work outside all day I'm actually only inside at night because it's dark and scary out there. I've played in a recreational softball league and a sand volleyball league (If you know of one in the area please tell me). I've kayaked thrice in my life and had a blast - now I want to get my own kayak and paddle around the bay because what's the worst that can happen? Great white shark attack. Is the worst that can happen. Scientists recently found a tumor in a white shark for the first time...maybe they aren't so great after all.
• We should eliminate the "great" from white sharks.
• I am not above shamelessly ripping off Jim Gaffigan.
I’m really good at
I'd venture to say I'm a really good animal trainer, seeing as I haven't been eaten by anything yet.
I think I'm a pretty good photographer
. If this profile is funny and well written then I am funny and good at writing. I'm good at all sports - including football, baseball and sand volleyball. I don't consider bowling a sport, and not just because I'm terrible at it. Other things that aren't sports: basketball and soccer. Golf's sport status is inconclusive at this time.
✓ If that was too long for you, you should probably read more.
The first things people usually notice about me
My ♥ although if it's what's in your heart that truly matters then I may have a problem, because as I far as I understand, it's pretty much just blood and darkness in there.
What did we learn in this section?
⇒ I have a solid grasp of human anatomy.
⇒ Comprehending figurative speech is a weakness of mine.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: Mostly non-fiction. More often than not about animals and nature. Rick Bass and Bill Bryson are good, though from what I've read Disney made an movie of one of Bryson's books and it's garbage.
Movies: The best movie in the history of mankind is Gremlins 2 (No joke).
TV: I like IZombie, Flash, Arrow, Game of Thrones and Children's Hospital. You know the acting on Walking Dead is great when even the guns emote. (When Rick's gun is pointed down you know it's sad.) True Detective Season 2 may be the most highly anticipated yet underrated show ever despite an incomprehensible plot and consistently absurd dialogue.
Music: Jason Isbell, M83, Passion Pit, Stephen Lynch, Civil Wars, Chvrches, Ben Kweller, The National, Jenny Lewis, gregorian chants; my musical tastes are so ever evolving that if Darwin came back from the dead he could write a 1000 page ebook about them. If he had time between all of his eating of braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains.
Food: Mexican, Italian, Thai, Burmese, BBQ, etc.
Podcasts (Because this section isn't long enough):
I loved Doug Loves Movies until Doug Benson blocked me on Twitter for being right. Improv4Humans, Comedy Bang Bang, and How Did This Get Made are good.
The six things I could never do without
My dog, Loki, who always entertains me. I'm especially impressed with what words he recognizes - and not just the ones I've taught him, but the ones he's picked up on his own, like "outside," "food," and he gets super excited when I say "walk" - but I think that's just because he loves stirfry and doesn't understand the concept of heterographic homophones. Because he's a dog.
As a man I'd like to think that I don't need anything (Besides my dog ;-) narrative continuity nerds) - like you could drop me in the middle of the wilderness like Aron Ralston, Chris Mccandless or Timothy Treadwell, with a knife and flint and I'd survive - but then I remember that the only one of them who made it out of the wilderness alive did it by sawing his own arm off with a swiss army knife. For that reason I'm gonna throw "my Iphone" on the list. That way even if there isn't service I can play Angry Birds as I die of thirst and/or exposure.
➣ This isn't six things.
➣ These arrows are perhaps the coolest ones yet.
➣ NO I WILL NOT TELL YOU HOW TO MAKE THEM!
➣Ok fine, if you ask nicely I'll think about it.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
► Starting a cover band called "Not So Modest Mouse." We're gonna be the fucking best. Our first album will be entitled "Good Songs For People Who Love Great Bands."
► If the Police song "Every little thing she does is magic" was written in the 1600's it would have taken on a much darker tone.
► When anaerobic organisms have panic attacks do their friends tell them "bro, just relax and don't breathe"? Probably not; they're asexual.
► Condensed down to their major life events all koalas do is eat shit and die.
On a typical Friday night I am
If it's baseball season I'm probably watching an A's game. I'm a true Oakland A's fan, and I say this not just because I go to playoff games or because I cried real actual tears when Billy Fucking Beane traded away Josh Goddamned Donaldson, but because my Iphone autocorrect's "as" to "A's". I'm only a casual Raiders fan since I've never been to a game. Or stabbed anybody.
In the offseason I work hard and cliche harder like everybody else.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
SPOILER ALERT: The milk in my fridge is 6 weeks old!
You should message me if
→ You want to get coffee. Though to be honest coffee isn't really my cup of tea. Tea is, so I'll probably just get that.
→ You wear glasses: They are the windows to the windows to the soul.
→ Please only message me if you know the difference between whom and Britt Hume.
→ Bonus points if you don't have a beard.
Ps. If I offended, let me now issue a blanket apology: I am so sorry, blankets.