Well I've been here for a little over a month now.  Its hard to explain if you not here.  Hell Im not even "here" really.  I don't have the job outside the wire for my job so I don't get the full effect. 

   There isn't much to do on my time off so I've been going to they gym alot.  I've lost 10lbs with about 10 more to go.

   I miss my daughter's alot.  Nikki turned three and Nalani started 1st grade since I've been gone.

   There is way to much time to think over here.  If you've read anything I've written you probaly know that giving me extra time to over think and analyze everything is no good.  I found myself reexamining converstation that where over two years old the other day looking for things I could have or should have said....as if it would change anything.

  I had a friend tell me onetime "You have to have something to look forward to"  In keeping with that I've been window shopping for Jeeps.  I plan on buying an older one that I can take out into the woods/beaches and not worry about it getting messed up.  Something I can work on myself that has a classic look.

  I've also been looking at land in the middle of nowhere. There is a pretty good website named farmandland.com that I've been searching for my plane in the sun some where.

  Well I hope you all are doing well out there.  Once again thank you for stopping to read these.

Take Care,

Thomas

The Civil War Love Letter

     Major Sullivan Ballou of the Union Army wrote this letter home to his wife Sarah in Smithfield, Rhode Island. It is considered to be one of history's most beautiful and moving love letters.

July 14, 1861
Camp Clark, Washington

My very dear Sarah,

     The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days -- perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye
when I shall be no more.

     Our movement may be one of a few days duration and full of pleasure -- and it may be one of severe conflict and death to me. Not my will, but thine 0 God, be done. If it is necessary that I should fall on the battlefield for my country, I am ready. I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the Government, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing -- perfectly willing -- to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt.

     But, my dear wife, when I know that with my own joys I lay down nearly all of yours, and replace them in this life with cares and sorrows -- when, after having eaten for long years the bitter fruit of orphanage myself, I must offer it as their only sustenance to my dear little children -- is it weak or dishonorable, while the banner of my purpose floats calmly and proudly in the breeze, that my unbounded love for you, my darling wife and children, should struggle in fierce, though useless, contest with my love of country?

     I cannot describe to you my feelings on this calm summer night, when two thousand men are   sleeping around me, many of them enjoying the last, perhaps, before that of death -- and I, suspicious that Death is creeping behind me with his fatal dart, am communing with God, my country, and thee.

     I have sought most closely and diligently, and often in my breast, for a wrong motive in thus hazarding the happiness of those I loved and I could not find one. A pure love of my country and of the principles have often advocated before the people and "the name of honor that I love more than I fear death" have called upon me, and I have obeyed.

     Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the battlefield.

     The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen our sons grow up to honorable manhood around us. I have, I
know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me -- perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar -- that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not return, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper your name.

     Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have oftentimes been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your
happiness, and struggle with all the misfortune of this world, to shield you and my children from harm. But I cannot. I must watch you from the spirit land and hover near you, while you buffet
the storms with your precious little freight, and wait with sad patience till we meet to part no more.

     But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the garish day and in the darkest night -- amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours -- always, always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or if the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.

     Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again.

      As for my little boys, they will grow as I have done, and never know a father's love and care. Little Willie is too young to remember me long, and my blue-eyed Edgar will keep my frolics with him among the dimmest memories of his childhood. Sarah, I have unlimited confidence in your maternal care and your development of their characters.

     Tell my two mothers his and hers I call God's blessing upon them. O Sarah, I wait for you there! Come to me, and lead thither my children.

Sullivan

Sullivan Ballou, age 32, was killed on the battlefield in the 1st Battle of Bull Run seven days after writing this letter.

 

  Well as of yesterday my divorce is final.  Yeap its all done.  People ask me if I'm happy or sad and all I can say is "both".  Its on of those bitter sweet things.  I do feel a huge weight off my shoulders.

  Tonight I was driving around when these 3 Doors Down songs came on that I haven't listened to in quite some time.  They spoke to me a bit so I figured I'd share.;

 

"These Days"

I think i was better off before this all began
So clearly i can see lately that you don't know who i am
Everybody tried to tell me something that i never could believe
Stand back it seems so much different than it did in front of me
But i know

There's no good in lookin' back on yesterday
And wondering what could have happened then
You think you can give me what i want
You say, you say
I think i'm better off alone
These days, these days

Why should i put my trust in something that i never could believe
So one day you can find somethin better just to pack your things and leave
Loneliness is a friend for the moment but she won't walk out on me
I know

There's no good in lookin' back on yesterday
And wondering what could have happened then
You think you can give me what i want
You say, you say
I think i'm better off alone
These days, these days

I'm tired and i'm sick of waiting
Maybe i'll die alone
'cause i can't take another damn day
Of waiting here for you to come home to me
Yeah, yeah, baby, baby please
Tell me why

You think you can give me what i want
You say, you say
I think i'm better off alone
These days, these days
You think you can give me what i want
You say, you say
I think i'm better off alone
These days, these days

 

"Pages"

What happens to a man when
He spills his heart on a page and
He watches words flow away then
His feelings lie on the page alone
There waiting
For someone who cares to read them
To open their eyes to see them
To see if they can make his thoughts their own
To find out that maybe your life's not perfect
Maybe it's not worth what he gives away

You can see that this broken soul is bleeding
So you can see your feelings inside yourself
And wander through my heart
Letting you see through me
Now only consumes me
Forget your pain, watch me fall apart

What happens to a soul when
It's trapped inside his emotions
And all of these words he's spoken
They bind him to the life he's left behind
And every new step he takes
He knows that he might not make it
To all of these dreams that he has yet to find

Maybe your life's not perfect
But maybe it's not worth what he gives away
You can see that this broken soul is bleeding
So you can see your feelings inside yourself
And wander through my heart
Letting you see through me
Now only consumes me
Forget your pain and watch me fall apart

You can see that this broken soul is bleeding
So you can see your feelings inside yourself
And wander through my heart
Letting you see through me
Now only consumes me
Forget your pain and watch me fall apart
As i fall apart

 

   Once again thank you to anyone who stops by to read these.  Take Care

 

Thomas

 

  First of all I'd like to thank those of you who happen to stop by and read my posts.  Time is the only resource that can never be replaced and knowing that you spend some of yours reading these things mean alot to me....so Thank you.

  Man when I was in the shower (one of the best thinking places) earlier I had all these things I wanted to say on here.  Looking back at them now and they all seem unimportant or whiney.  I do enjoy jotting (is that how you spell that?) my thoughts and feelings down.  Its feel like Im NASA shooting my radio broadcast out into the universe hoping that it hits someone that it means something to.

  That being said I also feel some what selfish.  Nothing I say, talk or complain about hasn't been said before.  As my mom always said "Nothing old..nothing new...what has been will be again".  I can just imagine some guy ages ago staring up into the sky wondering about it all,  skipping rocks into a pond, staring into a fire, getting lost in his work.

  I feel as if Im missing something....that there should be more.  As if part of the painting of life has been masked off.  Its right there..you can almost touch it..but you're not quite sure where to start peeling the layers.  That reflection you catch in the corner of your eye that disappears when you turn to look at it straight on.

  On a different note...Fatherhood.  I like being a dad..alot.  I wanted nothing to do with it at first.  Until I walked in the hospital room and saw her for the first time I wanted run away and bury my head in the sand (like a lot of guys do) After I saw her for the first time I was done.  That was it.

  My exwife dragged me kicking a screaming in Fatherhood and for that one thing I'll always thank her.

 The only way I can describe it is "Its the happiest and the most afraid I've ever been at the same time".  Becoming a father helped me to understand my dad better (he left when I was two).  It's made me a better person overall. 

   Its amazing to watch them grow and learn.  It's also heartbreaking to see my own character flaws surface in them.  To think that the bucket full of crazy, loathing and self doubt you guys see here might haunt them one day.

  My daugthers (kids in general) are my(our) shot at immortality and redemption...I just hope I don't mess it up.

Thomas

 

 

  Sometimes I wonder it sites like this make things worse.  I look at people I've messaged that never replied or people whos messaged me that I didn't reply to and wonder how things might have been different if we'd have met on the street.

  Here you have was seems like a split second to be attracted to someone.  Do they fit your pre concived notion of a girl/boyfriend, lover, friend what have you?  Nope...Then off to the next person.  Some little tiny thing about thier profile or picture... a misspelled word.... a movie you don't like....some crummy band...and thats that.

  You don't learn or have chance here to "fall" for that person...their mannerisms....those little quirks that endear someone to you.  You can't hear their laugh.  Do they scrunch their nose?  What do they do when they are nervious?

  This whole thing seem so artificial...and here I am right in the mix. 

  Just something I've had running in my mind for a bit.

 

Take care,

Thomas

  I was driving today when I started thinking about that.  I want to kiss.  Im not talking about one of those "Bite your bottom lips tongue all over nasty sex kisses".  I'm talking about one of those that are just perfect.  The kind you give someone that you havent seen in a day/weeks/months/years.  You go to the airport to pick them up and all that matters is they are right there in front of you...tangible...whole and safe.  The whole world just blurrs around you and all you can think/feel is how much you just missed them. 

     One of those kisses you give someone as you're leaving for what might be the last time.  You try to infuse all your love and care into that person.  Hoping that no matter what happens a piece of you will always stay with them.  That kiss.. might last on in their memory long after you're gone

   You lean forward and breath all of their warmth..their perfume...that last little bit of thier breath.  Pulling it all in trying to slow down time with all you have.

  I wish I had the voice to carry the tune you wanted the hear.  The colors aren't vivid enough for my eyes to see the patterns you hold dear.  That lock with no key.  Uselessly holding on tight to an empty box.

 

  I had a serious case of Cabin Fever today so this morning after dropping Nani Bear (my 6yo) off at school Nikki (2yo) and I drove out to Pocahantas state park just south of Richmond.  They have a campground and what looks to be a pretty nice river to fish in.  There is also a lake that has no roads leading up to it just hiking trails.

  The park ranger gave me this look like I was crazy when I asked about packing my kayak out there.  She told me that no one has asked about that before.  All I could think was "Great! That means there will be one else on the water"

  Im not convinced that I'm "Good Luck Chuck" after hearing that my last "activity partner" is now engaged.  Oddly enought shes marrying one of my old roomates.  Small world.  That's four in a row that's moved on from me to serious boyfriends or fiances (can't spell that one)

  I got a text the other day from my friend Mark whom I was a groomsman for back in the Fall.  It turns out he's going to be a father.  Im really stoked for him and I think he's going to be great dad.

    Oh man!! The History Channel is playing in the background and they're playing a show about pork.  This is making crave some bacon.

    Well as you can see I'm not really to inspired tonight considering I just talked about a show about pork.  Im going to get.

Take Care,

Thomas

Sunday, December 28, 2008 My stupid brain

     Today I watched my daughters being driven away and I couldn't help but wonder "How many more times will I have to ?"   The girls are going to stay with one of Megan's relatives till we can get daycare up here.  I hate that we had to do this. I was shuffled around and pawned off alot as a kid and I never wanted my girls to feel that way. 

     I'm pretty bummed and missing them right now.  Nalani has became my best friend in the world.  Nichole is amazingly beautiful and has a temper to match.  I miss them.  Megan wanted me to drive down with her.  I should have but I didn't want to meet any more of her friends and family just to realize that ...well they aren't my friends and family.  Know what I mean?

   I went to the bookstore today to read magazines for free and bum the WiFi.  Well turns out the WiFi isn't free at Barnes and Noble.  While I was there I saw this cute girl.  Once again I froze up like a deer in head lights right before its smacked by an 18wheeler.  My mind started racing so much.    (This was just some of my inner monologue)

     "What do I say to her?.."Excuse me whats your name?....Hi my names Thomas"....Excuse me I couldn't help to noticing you and I wonder if you'd like to go out some time?.........No no those will never work...Dude what are you going to do take her on a date with no money....Ok ok calm down grab a magazine so you look interesting....Dont' stand in front of the "mens magazines" you'll look like a perv....  Paintball yes you like paintball....it will show you actually get outside and like adventure..either that or your a gun nut or refuse to grow up.  ( I grab paintball mag and sit down whilst keeping an eye on said cute girl)....What am I supposed to say to this person......man shes really pretty...I like the way her shirt is hanging off her shoulder....shes not going to want to deal with your shit....Your a bucket full of crazy at the moment...What is she reading?....I wonder if she has a boyfriend....she has ..to just look at her.....No ring?.....check......I wonder where shes from......why is she here?......Ok man up and just go talk to her...Yes..Yes you can do this....You've talked to plenty of women in your life...you can be cute and charming....Yes I can do this.....................No no you can't...shit..shit your leaving for a month....what are you going to get her number and not call for a month.....You know you could just tell her the truth...that your going to class but you'll be back.....nah she won't believe it your just some stranger......Shit shes leaving....Okay man just go talk to her before she leaves...Stop being a pussy!!!...................aaaand now she's gone.....Screw it....It wouldn't have worked out anyway....you've got to much stuff going on......(I start reading the paintball mag)...Damn all these guys are half your age.....What the hell have you done with your life?  ( End)

  Yes I really do talk to myself like that all the time.  The funny thing is that there where alot more thoughts that I couldn't remember.  Well guys you have a good one

Thomas

Thursday, January 15, 2009 Friends     I remember growing up my mother always told me "Becareful of the company you keep".  Basically she ment that there are people you might consider your friends especially when you're young that will get you in trouble.   My mom also would say "If your lucky you'll have friends that you will keep for a lifetime"
      I bring this up because I started thinking about all of you the other day.  How lucky I was to have all of you out there.  I was feeling guilty a little bit actually.  I feel as if I've taken so much from you in the past few months but haven't given anything in return.  So I decided to write a massive thank you.  I won't be calling anyone out by name but I'm sure you'll know who you are.
     To the Guys,
         Man where do I start.   We've ran throught the streets of europe, drank on dirt roads, bs'ed next to bonfires, talked about starting our own companies, watched the sun rise while drinking in lawn chairs.   You've put me in cabs,  carried my ass up three flights of steps, seen me strike out,  seen me get lucky,  been little brothers and father figures to me.   We've stood side by side through the best and worst of life, weddings (that I missed but wanted to be there), births of our children and deaths of our loved ones.
     Together even if miles apart we're growning into the men we are ment to become.
 
      To the Ladies (ex girl friends and just friends),
     Thank you...You've been amazing to me.   You've seen me at my worst and still looked at me,  you gave me a shelter from the rest of the world.  You let me let my guard down and relax if only for a sort time.  We've been together on sweaty Ga nights, rain storms on wooden bridges, comfortable and uncomfortable beds,  You've given me countless hugs and smiles that have brightened my days.  I've told you things I could never tell anyone else.   You've broken and equally mended my heart.
 
Thomas