"What have I done?" I asked as I looked at the lifeless corpse that lay in front of me. Was this the same one who had laughed with me so many times? Was this the one who knew it all and still accepted me? I start to reminisce about all the time I had spent with this one.

Last month when we were just walking and talking. It was so nice to just know that she understood like noone else. She seemed to get into the crevices of my mind, and fill the empty space that seemed to fill my day. Then there was last week just sitting watching tv. Just knowing that nothing had to be said, ever. Just the silence was enough to be comfortable. The by far the most engraved memory of her was last night. As we laid there naked, skin on skin. Nothing could even start to compare to what was there between us. It wasn't that "spark" or "fireworks." It was something that no one could really describe. Neither one of us had to even say a word. We knew what it was, and that was all we needed. But I knew all this time was stolen. It was never meant to be in the first place. I was not meant for her. She was someone else's. That was the hard part.

"You know we can't go on like this.." She said it so calmly, trying to hide the quiver in her voice. I knew what she meant. We had talked about it once before. In one of those silly "what if" conversations. I can't remember who said it first, but if we couldn't be together, we just wouldn't be at all. And it was then and there that I realized that, yeah, I could die for her. Never thinking that the plan would become manifest.

To everyone we were just a part of the group. Just another part of the crowd. Noone suspected what was up. The ones who new were in on it. Now granted I wasn't the best one in the group I wasn't the worst either. The whole lot of us had our little problems. For some reason we just clicked, her and I. Neither one of us could put our fingers on it. We didn't have to talk, and when we did it made all the difference. We knew the life stories, and the usual, but also all the fun little quirks that makes every one different. We could, and did talk about everything under the sun. no topic was taboo, and nothing was left out. There was no reason to hide any of it, and we didn't want to. It was just so refreshing know that as we went through our days with those smiles on our faces, the other knew we were screaming for help on the inside. Have you ver had that? Someone to just vent to, that would understand every said and unsaid word? Someone who is completely right there on the same page, but yet their own person? That's what we were, and now it's come to this.

Just a minute ago....

"This is it you know? There is no turning back at this point. And I'm done even if you're not. I just can't take this false life anymore." I was trying to talk her out of it. There wasn't any reason she couldn't just turn back now, and leave me to do this on my own. She had another life where she was happy and not like me. She was her own person with someone else. And I had no problem letting her go off and be that. I didn't want this for her, just for me. A release if you will. From this torture, and a sham of what my life had become. We had spent the whole day together. We went to the beach, and had a picnic. We came back and watched our movie and then had a few of our favorite foods. All the while looking at each other knowing what the night held. Then there we were, in my room, with our song on repeat. We sat in the middle of the room with the gun sitting between us.

"I want you to do it for me.." I didn't expect that from her. Was she really thinking of turning back? Thank God. "I can't. If you can't do it I'm not going to do it for you." we both had the same tone in our voice. It was the kind of tone you'd expect to hear at a wake. Like some one was already dead, and you were just saying goodbye. "I just can't pull the trigger. I'll hold the gun to my head, and cock it. Just please pull it for me." All the while grabbing the gun, cocking it and putting it to her temple. "No. We're in this together, but this is something that has to be done yourself." I didn't know how else to put it. Those words didn't sound right talking to her. Even now with the tears rolling down her cheeks, the ones that had been against mine, and felt as if they were never going anywhere. She had that look in her eye, and I knew what I had to do. I smacked her. It was for her own good. Now in full sob she was begging me to just do it. "I am strong enough and have the will, I just can't finish it."

"JUST FUCKING DO IT!!!!"

And at that I grabbed the gun from her hand stood next to her and pulled the trigger. It was in that instant that I had wished that I had thrown the gun away and said it would all be alright. I could have held her in my arms and touched her back, and just sung to her. We could have fixed whatever problems headed our way. We could have ruled the world had I just decided to say no. Or maybe I should not have given her that second look in the first place. Had I not invited her over for tea. But no. it was all over for her and soon would be for me.

So this brings me to the current time. I'm sitting here, gun in had, looking at her. She looks so peaceful. Oh how I long to be there with her. No worries of this world to bother us. Just together forever. Noone could touch us there. And what if there is something after this? What if we do go on and live forever? Will we still be us, or do we become part of a collective? Just another face in the crowd? NO. I won't believe it's for nothing. The gun is already to my head, and the pin is back. Just one move left. In the back of my head I hear her. She's calling me. Still in those cracks and crevices. Where noone but her has ever been. So ingrained in my mind that she's there now, even if she's not here with me. I tell my finger to pull and it tightens a little. Just a centimeter more and I'll be with her. Will it hurt? I don't know, but I don't care at this point. As I squeeze tightly, I whisper the words I couldn't say with words before....

"I Love You"