I'm not good at this. I know everyone says that. Okay. I'll give it a shot. Everyone says that too, don't they?

My friend Ashley just decided to take this profile away from me and write it herself.

Hi. Ashley here. Seriously, girls. I have not ONE good reason not to go out with Darren myself. He is hilariously funny...dashingly handsome (what?? Dashingly is a totally legitimate word.)...up for anything...responsible...successful...a good dresser...smells good. I could really go on... I know what you're thinking...if this Darren guy's so great, why don't YOU just go out with him yourself? It's a valid question. Here's the kicker about Darren. And something to consider before hitting the button to message him:

While a night out with Darren is a GUARANTEE for a good time, in the end, this guy is a one-woman man...loyal, steadfast, ready to actually BE in a relationship...find love and, eventually, settle down and have some kidlets. And I'm more of a Good-time Charlie. (Darren just pointed out that I like to THINK of myself as a good-time Charlie, but really, I'm just a commitment-phobe. Whatever, Darren...this profile isn't about me.)

Let's just say...the guy does well for himself. He can keep your finances in order AND has a SERIOUS free hamburger connection.

Saying yes to things. Laughing. Knowing about obscurely excellent television shows. Rapping in the car. Staying up late and then waking up early. Cuddling. Eating breakfast.

Darren is REALLY not happy with this line of questioning. Ima look over and see what I notice about him first...please hold.

Okay, I'm back.

Nice socks.

Music: Pink Floyd, The National, Jay Z, Arcade Fire, Eric Clapton, My Morning Jacket, Fleetwood Mac, Dylan, Rolling Stones, Billy Joel...Darren is currently sitting on my couch singing "I Love the Way You Lie" at the top of his lungs. (He wants me to say that he was only singing the Eminem part...but I think we ALL know that he was singing the Rhianna part too.) Take from that what you will.

Food: An avid eater-outer (Oh MAN, that came out ALL wrong.) he'll take you to GORGEOUS restaurants all over town. Just make sure that your order doesn't have peanuts or shellfish if you want to share...he's allergic. (Darren is under the impression that "allergies are a turn-off". Ridiculous, I say. This is life or death here, people.)

Books: He's a busy fella...but when he DOES read, it's mostly fiction--things that other people recommend--Jeffery Archer novels...and things with too many numbers on the page.

TV shows and Movies: Y'know...all the usual stuff that smart, funny people like: The Daily Show, Friday Night Lights, Dr. Katz, Arrested Development, Family Guy (which is so obvious, he says.) Modern Family, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia...True Romance, Goodfellas, The Royal Tenenbaums and Anything with Bill Murray (Darren would like me to qualify that Bill Murray MAY be a polarizing topic...and that if you happen to be in the "Bill Murray is Crummy" Camp, he can live without him--so don't let that stop you from reaching out.)

Brunch plans
New ideas
A well-made cocktail
A comfy couch and someone to cuddle on it with (Darren doesn't want that to count as two.)
Gummy vitamins
and...
his car. ( I told him that was lame, and quietly, reverently, Darren replied "I love my car".)

whether retiring at 40 would be really fun or really NOT fun.

trying to convince friends to spontaneously go to Atlantic City...and then settling for Chinese food.

that he can't live without his car. Clearly.

you want to meet a guy who's SO fantastically nice and great, that he's got a friend who's willing to spend an entire Saturday writing his OKCupid profile. Enough said.